Adoption

Found this

GabriellaG..........It so happens I was not formally adopted and actually my biological parents only lived 10 miles away ......so we all knew where the other lived.
I do not even know what arrangements were made.......and of course, out of concern for my "Adoptive Mum" I asked no questions until after her death.............which was sadly too late.

Iam64, a beautiful photograph of our grandchild was given to the older sibling on one of the visits, with the request it would not be put on the internet. What happened was that this photo was shown/sent to a birth family member who lived abroad, and had NEVER seen or had any contact with our grandchild, it was then put on Facebook!! Despite this very distressing event, it was not this that finally influenced the parents decision, but the obvious distress, upset, and behaviour deterioration of their child prior to visits, who is their primary concern. Any other siblings are not their concern. As said previously, all information pertaining to our grandchild's adoption will be available if our grandchild wants to know or search later on.

Just a general note, mothers are no longer forced to give up their babies because they are not married. Children who are placed for adoption today have usually been forcibly removed from inadequate, neglectful, or abusive parents. One wonders what adopted children who grow up in loving families, and experience only love, care, and total concern and suport for their child, and including the addition of loving extended family. What if an adopted child searches and finds the birth family, and finds abusive and neglectful family members who have absolutely nothing in common with the now adult child? Does anyone actually think of the grown child who finds his/her birth family to be anti social, uncaring, possibly criminal (this is not fantasy, it applies to ours)? Does anyone think of the shock, the disappointment? It's a completely different scenario to a young woman, forced by society to give up her newborn, completely different!

Sorry, I haven't read the most recent comments on this thread but sarahwhitney I am absolutely disgusted at your comments about social workers and referring to them as "the SS".

There may well be a few not very good social workers, as there are not very good employees in most occupations. However, I believe the vast majority go into this very demanding job for the best of reasons.

*grannyactivist" spoke about the work she did in this field and it is clear from what she says that she cared very much about the wellbeing of the child above all but also of the birth parents and the adoptive parents. I don't believe she is an isolated example.

I would be very proud to have done such an important job - one which is not particularly well paid, carries huge responsibility and in which social workers seem always to be the first target for villification.

I recognise the desire to protect a young child, with no conscious memory of an older sibling. I recognise the emotional needs of an older sibling to know their younger sibling is safe and loved. The older child may have been the younger child’s main carer and attachment figure in their chaotic family of origin.
Reassurance doesn’t need to be face to face annual contact which may be overwhelming for everyone involved. Letter box, photographs, even short videos of the younger child playing at some anonymous beach or park can help the older child with the turmoil of losing a brother or sister.
It isn’t easy for any of the peopke involved.

Hollycat, I can fully understand what you describe, and grannyactivist, yes, it happens today. My earlier post on this thread outlines the circumstances of my grandchild’s adoption by my AC. The social workers were without exception totally pro contact with birth family, not birth mother so much as my AC made it absolutely clear that would not happen, but insisting that contact should take place once a year with a much, much older sibling, who was in care. My little grandchild was removed from birth mother due to appalling neglect, and placed in foster care. My grandchild was a young baby when this happened, approximately a year old. My AC and partner adopted this child some months later. This beautiful little grandchild has no memory of birth mother or any siblings. My AC has collected all information and documentation and kept it in a box for our grandchild should our grandchild wish to know anything later on, and they will share all information they have at that time, should it occur. But when they decided to stop the very occasional contact with the sibling, the social workers were not overjoyed to say the least, but there was no requirement in the adoption order that they needed to comply with, and we as a family are all in agreement that the contact with a sibling who was unknown was causing upset, even a deterioration in behaviour at school, reported to the parents by the class teacher, who whilst knowing this child is adopted, had no knowledge at that particular time, that a visit was being planned, and obviously our grandchild had to be told and prepared. This was the scenario that led to the discontinuation of these visits, the decision being taken by my AC and partner that the visits were not in any way useful to their child, and whatever the current thinking about birth family contact, for their child, it was proving to be actually harmful. So yes, social workers still push this agenda today.

Incidentally, my grandchild and adoptive parents do keep in contact with the foster parents, seeing them a couple of times a year, and they have been able to provide baby photos and such like, so the history is not just a blank. Our grandchild knows there was a birth mother who ‘couldn’t look after you’ and that is why the adoptive parents, who very much wanted a child to love, became the parents, and they say every day how much they love their child.

Some adoptions are ‘Open Adoptions’ where some written contact is encouraged with a view to an adopted child requesting a meeting depending on age etc. As with everything sometimes it works out & sometimes not, but IMO it’s essential that it is at the request of the age appropriate adoptee.

It is now possible, with DNA genealogy tests, to track down the parents, or at least the grandparents, of many adopted children. Sometimes there is more than one daughter or son who could be the parent and unless one of their children has tested its not possible to identify the parent exactly.

It's more difficult to track down an adopted child because records for the living are usually withheld. In some cases that too is possible, it's more likely if the adoption was a long time ago.

Anyone adopting a child has to be aware that it is a possibility the child may be curious. IME if you bring the child up believing they were "unwanted" it's much more likely they will go looking. Even if they dont want to know their biological parents they may wish to know if they have brothers and sisters. The desire to do this can come later in life, not necessarily at 18. They may want to know their medical background for the benefit of their own children.

It's not always the case that both parents even knew about the adoption if it took place some time ago and if they knew the child's wider family may not have been told.

Adopted children contacting biological relatives need to see this in the same way as meeting any other stranger. Sometimes it goes well, sometimes not.

Hollycat I cannot even begin to imagine a scenario such as the one you describe. Please tell me this happened back in the mists of time before social workers were properly trained.

I think it's a very twee expression and we tend not to do 'twee'.
I do agree mcem, I was just trying to explain why some may find it useful.
We always called a dog 'a dog' and not a woof woof, nor a cow a 'moocow' etc

My cousin and his wife adopted three children, a little girl of five and her two young brothers. They came from a children's home and were there because the parents couldn't cope. All went well until the social worker suddenly decided that they must put a photo of the home and the staff on the mantelpiece. The little girl thought it was a threat to send her back there and began bedwetting. The social worker insisted and the little girl became pale and withdrawn. My cousin told her that they had to put it there when the social worker visited because she liked to see it but as soon as she left it would be put in a drawer and left till the next time she came. That worked, up to a point, but the child was acutely aware of it in the drawer. They had to move out of the area before things settled down. How do these people get trained?

My daughter has recently married an Australian who is adopted and he is 39 years old and they have just had a child together. Our new son in law has an older adopted sister (not blood sister) and they are very close. They both adore their adopted parents. While over in Australia his parents told me that for the first 5 years of his life they received a call from his birth mother on his birthday asking about him. On his 5th birthday his adoptive father told his birth mother to please not phone any more as it was too upsetting for them. Our son in law has always known he was adopted and when he was 18 his parents gave him all the information they had on his birth mother so he could contact her. He said he didn’t want to see this info and from that day to this he never changed his mind. His adopted parents are wonderful and have given both him and his sister a happy and loving life.

I look after a child and his brother is adopted. We have to write twice each year to his adopted child and they to us. Letters are very bland. They comment on health, how child is doing at school, their favourite TV programme and food. Any sporting or musical achievements and hobbies. You must not write anything that would give away where in country child lives. We usually word process 1 page with a 14 font and spaces between each paragraph. The child we look after even though he is almost 12 does not write himself. We read out his letters to him as hand written and hard to read.

My only maternal cousin was adopted by my Aunt and Uncle when she was 12 months old.
The whole family which included 4 other childless couples took her to their heart and she was treasured by us all.
She is over 60 now and we are very close.
She traced her natural mother when in her 40's after my Aunt and Uncle died, she discovered two more half sisters who the mother kept.
There was no meaningful relationship with the mother who has since died or the youngest sister, but the middle sister has become a very dear friend and very supportive of my cousin and her DC.

My girls were even younger jalima when the adoption story became part of the bedtime routine!
I think it's a very twee expression and we tend not to do 'twee'.
I have to admit that I also find it uncomfortably intimate.
Years later I met birth mum and think she'd agree that it's not a particularly appropriate term.

^It wasn't until I read this thread that I came across the term "tummy mummy".
I thoroughly dislike it and find it patronising.^
Perhaps it could be OK when trying to explain to a 2 year old mcem but otherwise I agree.

Your story is also very moving Patsy, as are so many others.

Re phone calls, letters written by child etc; the later a child is placed the more likely it is that child to birth parent contact will be stipulated. This is particularly true if the child has at any point been in the parents’ care or had regular contact with them.

I understand there is an increasing drive to make the letterbox contact come more and more from the child as they get older eg drawing pictures, writing letters themselves etc.

Grandtante what a lovely post - that has brought tears to my eyes and one would hope that all adoptions are as successful.
It's sad, though, that she had to 'prove' that she was their legal child when your parents died.

Precisely bridgeit.
We subsequently were told that we were chosen by the young student mother because of family teaching connections and love of books. (42 years ago!)

Never heard of an annual phone call. Have though heard of a letter via a third party usually adoption agency. The tummy mummy can also provide a letter but these do not usually go to the child.
Why on earth this is done is beyond me as if a child is given for adoption doesn't that mean the adopters are the parents and the biological parent/s have forfeited any responsibility/rights. You are not being unreasonable to think it is mad.

I worked in a field related to adoption.

Once the adoption is finalised, and the adopters are the legal parents, they cannot be prevented from closing the adoption.

This is often not made clear to birth parents, who often are under the impression that this contact cannot be prevented.

The agreement for letterbox contact, including its frequency and nature, cannot be enforced by the birth parents after the adoption order has been made. This covers any requests to provide pictures which is often found difficult and undesirable by the adopters. Information such as the child’s school, or the child’s address also is not required to be provided.

I will not go into the ethics, morals or suchlike of the decision; I merely wanted to state that that is the legal position.

In short, adopters need to play nice with the SW until you get the order finalised, and after that it is the adoptive parents’ decision.

Most adoptions, even now, eventually close in terms of ongoing contact.

It is also not uncommon for birth parents to not provide their end of the letterbox contact which can be exceptionally distressing for children, particularly those not placed at birth. Again, there is of course no way to make a birth parent provide that contact.

I beleive the term usually used in adoption is ‘ matched or matching’ ie these days social workers try to best place a child with who they believe seems to tally in some way with the child’s original family & circumstances

This may not be a welcome comment but I 'd like to say that we never used the term chosen.
Visions of a line of cots and choosing the baby you want - boy or girl? prettiest? the one with a smile? blond hair to match daddy's?
It was not like that and we didn't pretend.
It was simply that we very much wanted a baby and a very kind young woman, who didn't have a home and family to help, decided that her precious baby would have a happier life with us.
She had a choice - looking through the information on 4/5 prospective parents and choosing the family she thought would be best.

Lyndiloo, am just sitting here wondering why you are getting so agitated by this? Were you adopted yourself or did you want to adopt but got turned down?

I find your attitude towards the 'birth' mothers a bit negative. No one puts their child up for adoption without there being a very good reason, so is it really too much to ask that you get a yearly letter saying how your child is getting on?

And surely when you adopt your child, you are always going to be aware that there is another 'mother' lurking about in the background. But if you forge a good, loving relationship with the said child, and have been honest to it from the start about how they are 'special' and that you got to 'choose' them, they aren't going to love you any less. Young children are very accepting if they are told things that is age appropriate, it's usually when they become teenagers that the problems can start, regardless of whether you are their birth mother or adopted mother.

Unless I have got things totally wrong, it sounds as though you are the one worrying about it and not your friend. Let them deal with any problems with their allocated SW and just be happy for them all.

I think an adopted child-should be told they are adopted as young as possible & should have age appropriate information given to them as & when they ask questions. I think it’s a terrible suggestion that they will ‘Have ‘to make this sort of contact annually ,it should only be If & when a child can understand & make the request themselves.