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(48 Posts)
BonnieBlooming Wed 04-Jul-18 16:36:20

My lovely DD has miscarried her first pregnancy at 8 weeks. She is devastated and very sad. It doesn't help that she works as a midwife. Having experienced pregnancy lose myself I have been doing everything I can to support her. Letting her talk and cry, doing things with her to try to distact her. Arranging wee treats for her and buying her something to keep in remeberance of the baby. But nothing feels enough and I suppose what I really want to do is take her pain away and I can't. Has anyone supported their DD through this and can give me any advice on things that helped? She got pregnant as soon as she started trying and is desperate to be pregnant again which also worries me!

grannyactivist Wed 04-Jul-18 16:42:59

Hello Bonnie - it is a great sadness when a longed for baby is lost, but it seems you've been a great support for your daughter. Close friends of mine recently went through this and were desperately in need of support afterwards; still are in fact. Just being there and providing a listening ear and a comforting hug is most likely enough.

Luckygirl Wed 04-Jul-18 16:45:48

Do not worry about her wishing to try for another pregnancy straight away - this is a very early miscarriage, barely more than a late period in obstetric terms. Hopefully she will get pregnant again quickly. Nature having a trial run.

I do know how it is, as my DD lost several pregnancies, mostly much later - I do remember her distress when one pregnancy seemed to be going well until a scan said it was not alive.

I was just there to mop the tears and provide understanding of her distress - as were her sisters and her very sensitive DH, who himself needed comforting. The situation was made worse by the fact that they were not particularly fertile and conception was a slow business.

I think that all you can do is absorb her sadness and be there for her. Comforting reassurance for the future is hard to give (even though it sounds as though all should be well) as she will have been so excited (and so will you) and this is a huge let-down for all of you.

I am so sorry that you are going through all this. Sad times. DD now has two lovely boys; hard won and much loved and treasured.

ginny Wed 04-Jul-18 16:57:43

Very sad news. My youngest Dd has suffered two miscarriages this year. One at 13 weeks and the other at 9 weeks. To be honest all you can do is. what you are already doing.

yggdrasil Wed 04-Jul-18 17:10:21

I lost my first pregnancy at 12 weeks. It was only then I found out the 1 in 4 of first pregnancies ends in miscarriage. I didn't know, my mother didn't know. The two following were perfectly normal, and this is the usual pattern. The midwife said it was just my body wasn't quite ready.

This of course does not apply to those who have had more than one mis, where there may be underlying problems.
But I do think the facts above should be more widely known.
My reaction was not to 'remember' the baby. At 8 (or 12) weeks, it isn't a baby. I just got on with the next one as soon as possible.

BonnieBlooming Wed 04-Jul-18 18:32:48

Thank you for your kind words everyone. The strange thing is that from the very beginning she said she felt things were not quite right even though there were no signs they weren't. Her best friend told her she had the same experience but that her second pregnancy felt completely different. I'm hoping this will be the case for DD. We mothers never stop loving our children and wanting to make everything right for them! I've seen her through all the usual ups and downs over the years but this just makes me feel so helpless.

paddyann Wed 04-Jul-18 18:59:56

I am so sorry for her loss,when I got pregnant the first time it wasn't "right" from the start in fact the doctors kept telling me I wasn't pregnant.I miscarried at 8 weeks .I still felt pregnant though and although I was still bleeding weeks later I insisted they do a test ..back in those days there was no home pregnancy kit.To their surprise I was still pregnant but no happy ending I'm afraid as that baby a girl was born too soon and only lived 4 days .
It was all made much worse by people who refused to acknowledge she existed at all.I really needed to talk about her ,no photographs,or footprints either so nothing tangible .Talk to your girl,its the best medicine,although its an early loss she'll already have had plans in her mind and a wee life mapped out .Let her tell you how she feels and cry with her .

paddyann Wed 04-Jul-18 19:01:34

sorrry 11 weeks ...should proof read before pressing send.I had your 8 weeks in my mind .

BonnieBlooming Wed 04-Jul-18 19:52:02

Paddyann I'm so sorry you lost your baby. When I lost twins at 16 weeks my MIL treated it as though I'd been in hospital to have my tonsils out! I think we are much better at understanding now.

luluaugust Wed 04-Jul-18 20:43:35

Yes Bonnie when I had two miscarriages, 8 and 12 weeks, my mother expected me to get over it as quickly as possible. When my daughters miscarried we did talk it all over many times and I was with them but they both tried again asap.with happy results. I think 1 in 4 pregnancies end this way as your DD knows as a midwife, You are doing all the right things, only time will help.

Melanieeastanglia Wed 04-Jul-18 21:00:15

I have had two miscarriages and, naturally, they upset me but I took the view that perhaps there was some kind of problem and things had maybe turned out for the best. I mean this well and hope it comes across properly within the discussion.

I went on to have two sons and all went fine. This is over 25 years ago.

I wish the lady who has had the miscarriages the best of luck in her efforts to have a baby.

grannyactivist Wed 04-Jul-18 23:54:47

I had a pregnancy that resulted in the baby dying in the womb and for reasons I won't go into just now I ended up carrying the baby for almost a further month; it was one of the most difficult times of my life and had a profound impact on me, but what to me was a devastating loss was completely ignored by almost everyone I knew, including my then husband. (In fairness I should say that he was working abroad at the time.)
My dear young friends have received tremendous help from this small charity that runs on a tight budget, but offers tremendous support:

kittylester Thu 05-Jul-18 06:50:05

GA, I had a missed abortion too!! I also carried the baby (my 4th) after it had died but for 6 weeks. My consultant went away for a month having said that i would miscarry naturally and I think dh and I were in shock so did nothing about it. The baby was being resorbed so I was getting thinner rather than more pregnant and everyone kept telling me how well I was doing in not piling on weight. I couldn't tell anyone for fear of dissolving. I eventually miscarried on a ward full of women having hysterectomies. I had 2 more children after that.

OldMeg Thu 05-Jul-18 07:04:56

My daughter had two 12-week miscarriages after carrying her first baby full term with no problems. Yes, she was upset, but with a toddler she just had to pick herself up and get on with it.

grannyactivist Thu 05-Jul-18 10:07:47

Kitty I hated that it was called a 'missed abortion'; I know it's the medical term, but it seemed unfair to call it that. I had spent some time in hospital with a 'threatened miscarriage' beforehand and because I refused a D&C when there was a chance the baby was still viable I was discharged, with a telling off from the ward sister for being a difficult patient. I was then deliberately made to wait until the baby started to come away spontaneously, but that didn't happen for several weeks after a pregnancy test came back negative. I still looked very pregnant, but like you I didn't want to tell anyone and became almost a recluse for a time. That baby would be 40 years old now, but unlike other miscarriages I had I have never been able to fully find peace about it. I believe the medical staff involved were deliberately cruel.

kittylester Thu 05-Jul-18 10:51:46

My 'baby' would be 40 in October GA and we decided it was a boy - to even up the numbers! It's strange that you say you haven't been able to find peace as I don't think about 'him' often but I start to feel sad in the middle of October and then realise why. Odd, isn't it?

I had previously miscarried and, when I asked why this had happened in this particular way, I was told that 'these things happen for the best!' My lovely GP let me cry all over him a couple of times and DH was very good. I don't think I gave him any credit for coping with me, 3 littlies and his own feelings while working full time.

I was 'pregnant' for 24 weeks in total before I miscarried and we think the baby had died in week 19 as I had felt faint movement and then none. I only ever heard of one other person who had had this happen. She was a Mum at school and was a real star at protecting me from people wanting to check how my pregnancy was progressing.

Sorry, to have taken over this thread - it opened a can of worms!!

kittylester Thu 05-Jul-18 10:52:45

And, DD3's baby is due on 10th October - weird timing.

Nonnie Thu 05-Jul-18 11:03:35

I do feel for you and for your daughter. I am glad that nowadays we talk about these things openly.

I disagree with the one who said that at this stage 'it is not a baby', it is for the mother who has lost it.

I had miscarriages in the days that it was not something to be talked about. I discovered from my sister that my mother thought it was my fault and she was a nurse!

Please tell your daughter that I eventually went on and had children who grew up to be healthy. Nothing will take away her pain and she probably has too much knowledge of what the cause might be. Just let her express her feelings in the way she wants to and let her know you are there when she needs you but please don't try to hard, that may make it worse for her.

pollyperkins Thu 05-Jul-18 11:10:10

This is so common and yet no-one talks about it. My first pregnacy ended in a miscarriage too and then I discovered so many others had had one as well including my MiL. Others in my family and also several friends have miscarried. I did go on to have healthy children later. All you can do is be there for her.
I think people are more understanding these days -I was treated very insensitively at the hospital where I was sent for a D& C afterwards, being put on a maternity ward with mothers and babies for example. It was awful at the time but I barely remember it or think about it now.
As others have said 8 weeks is very early and hopefully she will be pregnant again in due course.

BonnieBlooming Thu 05-Jul-18 22:31:27

Ladies I am sorry if this thread stirred up painful memories for some of you. I think, however, that if you have had a loss it never really goes away. As most of you say when you go on to have healthy children it helps enormously and I just hope this happens soon for my daughter.

harrigran Fri 06-Jul-18 09:53:10

I supported DIL when she lost her second baby, no problems until no heartbeat found at twelve week scan. I was the only one who had any experience having lost my second baby at 16+ weeks. DIL got quite distressed at being told to go home and wait for nature to take it's course so after some time she was offered a D&C. DIL was pregnant again within five months and a very healthy baby was born at full term.

agnurse Wed 11-Jul-18 07:23:29

Miscarriages are always incredibly sad. I once cared for a woman who had a miscarriage. It was her second pregnancy. (Her first pregnancy resulted in the birth of a healthy baby girl.) She was understandably very upset, and sadly I didn't help matters because I was the nurse who cared for her during her labour with her first. I knew that she would likely recognize me and it would just hit home even more that she wouldn't be walking out with a baby in her arms in a few months. Unfortunately I was the only nurse who could care for her, as we only had 2 RNs and the other was male (with the personality of a sledgehammer - I don't think he meant it but he wasn't big on tact).

I don't think it's a bad thing that she wants to try to get pregnant right away. In fact, depending on the cause of her miscarriage, the odds are good that if she conceives within the next couple of months the problem that caused her miscarriage will not occur with her next pregnancy, and she should have a healthy baby.

Our best estimates are that about 30% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, most in the first trimester and most due to genetic anomalies. We in fact don't know the exact number of miscarriages that occur, because a) some happen so very early the woman didn't even know she was pregnant and b) it sometimes happens that a woman will have a multiple gestation but lose one baby very early and have a second healthy baby. It appears to be a singleton pregnancy but it actually began as twins or more. My stepdaughter actually was a twin but her sibling died in utero and was reabsorbed.

Deedaa Wed 11-Jul-18 20:32:38

Back in the 70s a friend of ours had several miscarriages and then a baby that died soon after birth. It was a horrible time for them but they went on to have two healthy babies afterwards.

stella1949 Thu 12-Jul-18 01:34:05

We all react differently to this, don't we. I lost four babies through miscarriage, at around the 12 week mark, but I coped fairly well with them. I always looked upon it, that those babies were just not meant to be, that there must have been something amiss and so Nature took it's course. I went on to have my two perfect children , so it all worked out for the best.

absent Thu 12-Jul-18 07:15:51

Miscarriage is a grief that perhaps only mothers truly know, although fathers can, of course, also be saddened and disappointed. Pretty much most of us who have miscarried, even once, remember with sadness all our lives, even when we have had healthy happy children later. It is hugely important not to belittle that grief.

My daughter had an ectopic pregnancy which can only be treated by removal of the oviduct and the fertilised ovum and we were both terribly sad. However, she became pregnant just over a month after the surgery and the lovely boy is now three.

Women's bodies perform miracles of birth all the time. Give your daughter time to grieve until she feels the time might be right to try again. Just be there when she wants you.