Gransnet forums

Ask a gran

Family in crisis

(80 Posts)
annab275 Thu 05-Jul-18 13:26:26

My partner and I have been together for 25 years and he has been a great help to his ageing Mum, goes to see her every weekend, does jobs, takes her out etc. She is quite difficult and always finds faults and criticises him, for being too fat, too thin, too conservative etc. She has another son who rarely visits but to cut a long story short , he has been arrested and imprisoned. Organising prison visits has been pretty difficult as well as trying to sort out the brother's flat, letters, benefits etc etc. The son who is in prison asked my OH to look after a bag of money which was in the flat and take it back to our house. However, months ago before all this, he had asked his mum to take care of it, but never gave it to her. Already the cost of dealing with this imprisonment is taking its toll, (buying clothes, extra petrol to get to the prison, organising storage for his belongings etc). The Mum is quite forgetful and forgot that my OH had given her a key to the flat (so she could go around and tidy up as she wanted), and insisted that the money should be kept at her house, but my OH said no, as he was dealing with all the letters etc. visiting and so on. Anyway they had a bust up over the phone, this morning, and he said he was fed up with her ordering him about, trying to control everything, and he has put his foot down. Meanwhile Mum in law accuses him of being pig headed and stubborn etc. Sorry to go on but my view is that since my OH has to help her
with banking, internet, and this sort of stuff already, it doesn't make sense that she should be entrusted with such a large amount of cash. He feels that she doesn't trust him, and will spend it himself, which he is very hurt about. How to navigate through all this?

Jalima1108 Tue 10-Jul-18 15:32:47

But not all of them are in prison ga!!

petra Tue 10-Jul-18 14:36:47

jalima
Not one of my best days grin
But I've had worse over the years.

grannyactivist Tue 10-Jul-18 11:39:05

I have a relative who lives 'off grid' as much as possible and always withdraws money from the bank as soon as it goes in. There are more people like that than most of us credit I suspect.

Jalima1108 Tue 10-Jul-18 11:03:11

For the cash it might be legitimate, buy a floor safe and concrete it into mums floor so it is safe, don't get involved beyond that.
What - and possibly be charged with conspiracy to steal/defraud/etc?

this is stretching my credulity.

Jalima1108 Tue 10-Jul-18 11:01:29

Virtually the only people who have bags of cash at home are crooks . Legitimate payments are not made in cash.
my first thought was tax evasion ...

That must have been a shock petra !

petra Tue 10-Jul-18 10:29:46

The only thing that confuses me is: this man has obviously committed a serious offence, he is being held pre trail.
I find it hard to believe that the police haven't searched his house,and if they did, why didn't they find the bag of money.
Many years ago my ex husband was arrested. It wasn't until the police arrived at my door to do a search that I knew he'd been arrested.

eazybee Mon 09-Jul-18 14:11:37

Nothing to do with being on remand, but with taxation.
This man has money, such a large amount of cash. hidden in his flat, which he wishes to conceal. He is, or was, in receipt of benefits.
It should be declared.

Farmnanjulie Mon 09-Jul-18 14:03:39

There is something very strange going on here!this sounds like dodgy money! There is no reason to have a bag of money,having a jar of coins is different,is the brother in prison for a money related crime? You sound like you are doing all you can to help the situation,but you cannot be responsible for so much!
Have you counted out this money,is it quite a lot?
Speak to the brother ask them to account for it,if you are not happy with any part of this,either having to do so much,or being responsible for his is property's,say so!
He chose to somewhat ever he did,and is now facing the repercussions,so everyone else should not have to be running themselves ragged to make his life easier!

NotSpaghetti Mon 09-Jul-18 12:15:16

Don’t assume cash at home is “ill gotten”...
And more and more people live - or have lived “off grid”.

Just because something is outside our own experience doesn’t make it inherently wrong or illegal.

As to the cash belonging to someone on remand... there are plenty of genuinely wealthy prisoners/people on remand....
The cash can be totally unrelated to the crime.

Tweedle24 Sat 07-Jul-18 23:42:08

Whilst I understand the concerns about the source of the money and it’s legality, I have to respond to those who say that they don’t think people keep large amounts of cash at home. Believe me, they do! As a retired Ward sister, I could tell tales of, yes, suitcases of money being brought into hospital by patients for’safe-keeping while in hospital’. Money was normally kept under the mattress. The most I saw was an elderly lady who not only kept her savings at home but, also the compensation given after her husband died. She did not want to spend any of the latter as she said it felt like blood money.

Davidhs Sat 07-Jul-18 18:39:43

There is nothing like money to cause family upsets but this is entirely normal
For the cash it might be legitimate, buy a floor safe and concrete it into mums floor so it is safe, don't get involved beyond that.
All the other hassle is what we all get dealing with increasingly dependant relatives, you get no thanks and probably no bequest either but YOU know you have done your best.

maddyone Sat 07-Jul-18 11:53:27

Quite right eazybee, good post.

eazybee Sat 07-Jul-18 10:11:16

Your partner is sorting out 'his brother's flat, letters, benefits etc ', and yet this brother has a large bag of money in his flat?
He used to work full time and was saving up for a house - he had to be laid off due to back problems and it's the last of his savings.
He lived off grid (??) for years so has a suspicion about banks and such like.
Yes, because possession of a sum of money could affect his benefits, and concealment of assets is an offence.
Declare it to the police immediately, otherwise you are colluding with his deception.
If, of course, this is true.

annab275 Sat 07-Jul-18 09:58:20

as I have said previously, the money is not illegal and it's not THAT much. My OH's brother has not done anything fraudulent, or committed burglary. It is his hard earned cash. He has not been convicted and is awaiting trial. I think enough has been said on this thread. My original query was regarding coping with his mother more than anything else.

Jaycee5 Sat 07-Jul-18 09:37:32

Willa45 This doesn't sound like a few weeks money though. The OP said that he was saving for a house. Having some cash is sensible but this sounded like something more than that.
Some finance experts do advise on keeping a certain amount of cash but a large amount is unlikely to be covered by insurance (unlike savings accounts which are covered by the Bank Deposit guarantee).
It is not that holding cash is illegal, it is about being sure that cash you are asked to look after was legally obtained, declared etc. and what the fallout could be.
The US has introduced a law making it illegal to hold more than $10,000 in cash but we don't have anything of that kind here which I think is reasonable. People should be able to hold cash if they want to.

maddy629 Sat 07-Jul-18 05:53:46

annab275 where did the bag of money come from, if he is in prison it could be ill gotten gains. If I were you I would inform the police.

willa45 Sat 07-Jul-18 02:40:56

Last time I looked, it's not illegal to own any amount of cash or to have it in your home. Many people deliberately accumulate considerable amounts of cash to keep on hand for emergencies (i.e. to protect themselves) should there be a widespread power (grid) failure where banks have to close because computers are down, credit cards don't work and neither do ATM machines.

This very scenario became reality in the wake of Caribbean hurricane "Maria". The citizens of Puerto Rico found themselves unable to withdraw money and couldn't pay for petrol and other necessities for several weeks until credit cards could be used again. During that dark time, people who had hoarded cash fared much better than the rest.

I also agree that OPs story raises a lot of valid questions (and eyebrows), but I prefer to assume good faith until proven otherwise.

For me, it would be very helpful if the OP would tell us why her BIL was arrested in the first place and under what circumstances.

codfather Sat 07-Jul-18 00:57:09

If it hasn't come from "something illegal" then it should be in a bank. Quite simply he is trying to hide it from the authorities as it is more than likely "proceeds of crime" and can be seized as compensation. If it comes to light that you have this money, you could be held as an accomplice!

The other alternative is that he was not declaring it to the taxman. Not trusting banks is a weak excuse! They're hardly going to run off with the money! He doesn't want it traced! Pure and simple!

Legs55 Fri 06-Jul-18 23:10:17

The money is a problem to which I have no solution. When DH & I bought our Park Home we had to transfer money to our Vendor & Park Owner, this was done by Bank Transfer, we were asked where the money had come fromhmm, a little devil on my shoulder was whispering "from my drug deals", I thought better not say that, the Bank employee may not have had a sense of humour. I had all the paperwork relating to the sale of our housesmile.

I would presume that BiL has a Solicitor acting for him, they may be able to help.

MillyG Fri 06-Jul-18 18:17:16

No comments from OP about the reactions to her post.

Like others, I’ve noticed some odd/unusual posts lately and have sometimes wondered whether those posting are budding authors/playwrights trying out possible plot-lines. grin wink

Jaycee5 Fri 06-Jul-18 17:46:45

Has the cash been declared when obtaining benefits? If not and your husband is helping with this he is aiding and abetting a crime.
Collecting cash for a house purchase will cause problems at some stage. It has been over 10 years since I have been retired but even before then the idea of a client turning up with a suitcase of money to pay for a property purchase were long gone. I had a purchase where someone who transferred money from abroad had a lot of problems with the Bank (although it was legitimate) and it caused quite a bit of delay and annoyance. Nowadays even if you pay a cheque in you can be asked what it is for.
You also have to watch for note changes. What would you do if, say, it is in £20 notes and they change the notes. Banks will only change notes for their own clients. You will be trying to filter some at your own bank and travelling the country cashing them at different post offices. If you send them to the Bank of England to be changed you have to explain where they came from.

kathyd Fri 06-Jul-18 17:38:41

Maybe the brother is a pensioner. The state pension is referred to as 'a benefit' - which always annoys me because it isn't. It's something we have paid for.

jenpax Fri 06-Jul-18 16:56:29

JanaNana Very true.I used to sometimes lend ex small sums of money (he is on disability pensions) but recently when he tried to repay me by going into his local branch of my bank to pay cash in ( a matter of £50 only) he wasn’t allowed to😳 he is mistrustful of online banking and really only pays on his card or by cash so now I am out of pocket!!😡

grandtanteJE65 Fri 06-Jul-18 16:25:09

If, dear Anna, you decide to keep the money in your own house for safekeeping, please do think about the fact that if your house is broken into and the money taken, you and your OH will be in a very nasty position vis à vis both your BIL and MIL.

It sounds to me as if MIL is old and forgetful and certainly not the right person to have a bag of cash in her house.

So start by asking BIL what he wants done with the cash and then find some way of either keeping it in a safety deposit box or opening an account and paying the money in in your BIL's name, otherwise you risk being taxed on the money or having benefits if you are an OAP stopped on account of the money.

Obviously, whatever your BIL is in prison for, his flat hasn't been searched by the police, so presumably the money was earned by him moon-lighting!

Home safes are all very well and good, but a determined professional thief will find some way to open one, and no insurance company is likely to want to re-imburse you for stolen cash.

Molly10 Fri 06-Jul-18 15:19:26

So have I got this right?

BIL was laid off so he is now on benefits!

He is now in prison awaiting trial for...we know not what!

He has a bag with lots of cash in that he wants looking after till he gets off/out/escapes!

You are absolutely adam ant that all is above board and there is no crime in any of the above!

And to top it off your husband is the downtrodden , ill thought of nincompoop who is acting as a clean up guy!

Well blood is thicker than water. [grin}

Love squiffy's reply!