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Family in crisis

(79 Posts)
annab275 Thu 05-Jul-18 13:26:26

My partner and I have been together for 25 years and he has been a great help to his ageing Mum, goes to see her every weekend, does jobs, takes her out etc. She is quite difficult and always finds faults and criticises him, for being too fat, too thin, too conservative etc. She has another son who rarely visits but to cut a long story short , he has been arrested and imprisoned. Organising prison visits has been pretty difficult as well as trying to sort out the brother's flat, letters, benefits etc etc. The son who is in prison asked my OH to look after a bag of money which was in the flat and take it back to our house. However, months ago before all this, he had asked his mum to take care of it, but never gave it to her. Already the cost of dealing with this imprisonment is taking its toll, (buying clothes, extra petrol to get to the prison, organising storage for his belongings etc). The Mum is quite forgetful and forgot that my OH had given her a key to the flat (so she could go around and tidy up as she wanted), and insisted that the money should be kept at her house, but my OH said no, as he was dealing with all the letters etc. visiting and so on. Anyway they had a bust up over the phone, this morning, and he said he was fed up with her ordering him about, trying to control everything, and he has put his foot down. Meanwhile Mum in law accuses him of being pig headed and stubborn etc. Sorry to go on but my view is that since my OH has to help her
with banking, internet, and this sort of stuff already, it doesn't make sense that she should be entrusted with such a large amount of cash. He feels that she doesn't trust him, and will spend it himself, which he is very hurt about. How to navigate through all this?

Blinko Thu 05-Jul-18 13:31:01

Is it possible to put the cash into a bank account? I'd be worried about having a large amount of cash in my house, whether it's yours or MiL's. I suppose there might be an argument about whose name it's held under, but couldn't the account somehow be opened in the name of the brother who's in prison?

Telly Thu 05-Jul-18 13:31:30

Nothing like money for tearing a family apart at the seams. I think your partner is right, he is dealing with the finances already so it makes sense that he should control the cash. His Mum is not happy about it, but as he is already managing her finances there does not seem to be another option. If she is not happy, then so be it. The only other thing is if the brother in prison asks him to pass it onto their mother. Apart from that, just weather the storm. Families!

annab275 Thu 05-Jul-18 13:50:53

Blinko - setting up a bank account would cause endless arguments and it's hard enough to organize simply sending a letter x Telly - great advice - we must just ride the storm, as you say. Mum in Law is very opinionated and is not used to anyone saying No to her!

muffinthemoo Thu 05-Jul-18 13:53:29

He’s in the jail and there is handily a large bag of cash money stashed in his house?

Have you thought about advising the police?

kittylester Thu 05-Jul-18 13:58:11

My thoughts exactly muffin and I wouldn't touch it with a barge pole!

Do you know it's not the proceeds of crime?

SueDonim Thu 05-Jul-18 14:19:26

I'd be wary of getting involved with large amounts of cash unless I could be 100% certain of its provenance.

annab275 Thu 05-Jul-18 14:21:22

He used to work full time and was saving up for a house - he had to be laid off due to back problems and it's the last of his savings. Certainly hasn't come from anything illegal.

Teetime Thu 05-Jul-18 14:40:07

Oh dear money laundering came to my mind too. hmm

stella1949 Thu 05-Jul-18 15:08:12

Why not simply get a security box at the bank and put the bag of money in there. It would be safe and there wouldn't be any problem with the authorities. When the brother gets out of jail he can have it back.

Melanieeastanglia Thu 05-Jul-18 15:35:11

If you are 100% certain it hasn't come from anything illegal, why not buy a safe? It could be kept at mother-in-law's house and you could keep the key/combination code perhaps. Would that be a compromise?

Could it be put in some kind of safety deposit box at a bank? I may have not used the right expression here but the money would be somewhere neutral.

You don't seem keen on putting the money in some kind of bank account. Surely the bank must have dealt in the past with money belonging to people in prison. Perhaps you could ask them. You never know - they may have the answer for you.

annab275 Thu 05-Jul-18 15:56:02

Thanks for your answers - a safety deposit box in the bank maybe a good idea

Totallylost Fri 06-Jul-18 09:13:15

If you're in contact with BiL why not tell him what's going on ask him where the money should be kept, with you or MiL, that way if he says def you then put it in a safety dep box. Good luck family and money 😢

mabon1 Fri 06-Jul-18 09:13:33

Put in s safe in the bank, will be a charge but worth the agro.

dollyjo Fri 06-Jul-18 09:17:15

I got around a similar problem by putting the money into a 1 year Isa. (My GD didn't want to take money from me - the other GC's had taken theirs)
You could do the same for the length of prison term. That way, it is making interest.
Your husband could ask his brother if he agrees.

GabriellaG Fri 06-Jul-18 09:27:17

Firstly...is the money from a legal, above-board source?
People don't normally keep bags of money at home for months on end.
If there is any question about it, then I would not advocate your OH keeping it in your home. It should be deposited in a bank.
Secondly...why are you spending money on clothes?
I suppose they are for your partner's brother but inmates get clothes provided, joggers, trainers, tshirts everything they need for all weathers.
Why don't you send some of his own stuff in?
Visitors can claim for visitation expences so explore that avenue.
I was, for many years, a prison visitor. Someone who visits those who have no family or friends to visit and we also sat in on governor decisions and rulings when a prisoner was on a charge.
It's a far cushier life than some would have you believe so don't fall for any sob stories re clothes or money.
Keep looking after yourself and your partner. You and he are your first priority.
Best wishes to you flowers

Fluffly Fri 06-Jul-18 09:28:46

The banks don’t have safe deposit boxes any more. I think a house safe may be the better option as suggested above.

Nezumi65 Fri 06-Jul-18 09:29:25

Why on Earth were his savings in cash?

Money laundering laws are extremely strict. ‘My brother in prison asked me to look after his savings which were in cash & it didn’t occur to me it wouldn’t be legit’ probably wouldn’t cut it.

GabriellaG Fri 06-Jul-18 09:32:13

Reading the OP's reply re mkney bag. Why would any normal person keep money saved for a house (no small amount, I gather) in a bag at home? Is that what he wants people to believe or...hmm
If he was in full time work was his salary paid into a bank account?
It's all more than a bit fishy.

harrigran Fri 06-Jul-18 09:35:00

Sorry but every time a bag of money is mentioned I see a cartoon drawing of a sack with swag written across it.
All seems a little far fetched and scenarios like this do not occur in the world I live in.

Minerva Fri 06-Jul-18 09:38:55

I think there are a lot of people, especially older people, who don’t like banks and keep large amounts of money in their homes. Not me I hasten to add.

Chewbacca Fri 06-Jul-18 09:39:43

Maybe I'm being sceptical but there seems to be a plethora of threads about odd family dynamics, very unusual circumstances and new posters at the moment. hmm

newnanny Fri 06-Jul-18 09:41:41

Put money in safe and leave at Mum's but do not tell her combination number. This may satisfy her as she can see your dh is not spending it, which is what you say she was worried about. Not that I think he would.

annab275 Fri 06-Jul-18 09:50:54

thanks for this - the money is legitimate. My OH has spoken to his brother this morning who has agreed with the current arrangement. The clothes problem arose as we didn't have the key to the flat to get clothes for him. What my OH has understood is that it is not that simple just to organise a visit and turn up with clothing, as in a hospital. To be honest it doesn't sound cushy at all. He hasn't even been convicted of anything yet as the trial hasn't happened. He lived off grid for years so has a suspicion about banks and such like. Thanks for all your messages as the situation is currently resolved re money. It is just that Mum in law is not happy but then how could she be with her son awaiting a trial?

sarahellenwhitney Fri 06-Jul-18 10:06:02

Any one who is going to court with the possibility ?of a prison sentence?, having money in their property would have made sure , they have their house' in order.' I too would be concerned where this money came from.
Take advice from a professional and rest assured this would be confidential so no worries you are letting yourself into 'anything ??' brother may be involved in.