Grandson’s nursery time

Can’t imagine why she ever had a child, why not just get a cat? They are ok for a bit of a fuss when you feel like it but manage very well on their own if you need ‘me time’. Poor child, and you, theres nothing you can do about it I’m afraid, she’ll regret it later I suspect, most do. Nobody wants ‘I wish I’d had more time to myself’ on their gravestone, most wish they’d spent more time with their loved ones.

I do feel that its a shame that even nowadays people feel pressured to have children. I have always been impressed by those who announce they do not want them and never will. Its not how I could have lead my life but I fully respect those who have made the choice and live their lives how they wish. I have a friend who is a very dedicated head teacher. Neither she nor her husband wanted children. They came form families where there were already cousins and siblings with offspring so there was no pressure to reproduce. We often chatted and although she found educating children fulfilling and she was great at creating an excellent school she never felt maternal. Now in her 50s she has no regrets and lives a full and rewarding life as a sometime Auntie and a fulltime educator.
Having children is all about being able to put them first. They do not ask to be born but come into this world hardwired to adore their parents. As both a pre-school educator and a volunteer family support worker I have seen the unhappiness created by shoddy parenting whether it be the type created by poverty and lack of knowledge or the sort that has all the material benefits of large incomes but non of the relaxed 'quality time' where Mum or Dad can just drop what they are doing and can just 'be there'. I'm not saying that the OP is accusing anyone of 'shoddy parenting' I'm just saying you really have fully want to be the best you can and to put the children first for as much as you can.
In these enlightened times those who do not wish to be parents should be allowed that choice.

I suppose I can’t help thinking of a colleague I worked with, yes, a teacher, who loved her job and always said that she didn’t want to have children.

However, as she passed the mid thirties mark, her husband was desperate for a child and both sets of parents put a lot of (sad, sighing, silent) pressure on her. And, because she felt selfish, she became pregnant. She was anxious throughout the pregnancy that she had made a mistake in giving in. But everyone told her it would be alright when the baby arrived.

She took six months off and was thoroughly miserable. PND everyone said. Actually she was feeling trapped and desperate. Her husband was over the moon with the baby, but then he left the house at 8am and came back at 6pm. He wanted the child but she was the one spending all day doing something that she hated! Not him. She didn’t hate her baby, just the constant caring for a demanding helpless being.

After six months she went back to work. They could afford a nanny. Within a week she was back to the vibrant, energetic person she had been before.

She took a lot of stick from the disapprovers ( mostly father and grandparents) who couldn’t understand why she didn’t want to be with her baby more. Why had she had the baby if she didn’t want to spend her time with him. Nobody questioned why the father had a child if he didn’t want to be with his baby more.

This may not be what happened in the OPs case but the sense of disapproval is quite strong. Why raise the issue at all if not? Other remarks (she had PND, she is distant) ring a bell too.

Yes - the father could take some time as well - obviously! However - She is the one who is 'home' for six weeks. Dad may not be able to match that - so a bit of realism please? I suspect she just hasn't taken to motherhood. It happens. And whilst I rarely put down other women - we all have our own path to walk, but when 'walking you own path' impacts on others, particularly such a young child, then you need to give yourself a kick up the bum and re-evaluate your priorities.

I think it is a little odd. One or two days a week - possibly? Why did she have a child if she doesn't want to spend time with him? Just about every working mum I know - and that is most of them nowadays, are desperate to have more time with their kids. You can't say anything - but it is odd.

I still don't understand why the child's dad is not taking annual leave?

I understand the point you are making Newmom

I agree that as long as the child is cared for it shouldn’t matter. Just seems a bit unusual to not want to spend time with your little one when you have such a long holiday . Never mind . It’s up to the individual what they choose to do with their holiday time .

Erm ....the teacher couple I know ( my ex neighbours) both get 13 weeks holiday . As do the teachers at my DGCs school . The extra inset days are supposed to be training days.

No ones saying teachers don’t work hard . But let’s not pretend they don’t get fantastic holidays though.

What I meant was that it doesn't matter whether she's a teacher, a person who works full time and is on annual leave or a SAHM who's putting her child into nursery (I know one that does). If the mom feels like that's best than it's up to her and not really fair of people to judge or suggest that she shouldn't have had children or is doing a bad job because people parent differently. It doesn't mean that one way is right or wrong or one is better than the other. Personally, I wouldn't leave DD in nursery full time when I'm not at work, but I wouldn't judge people that do because it's up to them. As long as the child is safe and cared for then that's all that matters. The OPs DIL and son are doing what works best for their family, just like everyone on here did what they felt was best for theirs.

Twelve weeks holiday; the training days are taken from teachers' holidays, but fitted in to term time.

Of course the job makes a difference . Most other jobs only come with 4-5 weeks annual holiday per year . Teachers have 13 weeks.

I don't think her job makes that much difference really

You’re probably right newmom

I don't think her job makes that much difference really. Like PECS said, not everyone enjoys little children. Some mothers struggle more than others. For those commenting 'why bother to have children if you're going to let someone else look after them?' What if she is really struggling, what if the hypothetical baby was nothing like the reality and she's not coping well? Surely her son being in nursery is better than at home with a stressed out and overwhelmed mother. At least he's not being neglected.

And how is this situation any worse than people who work full time and have children in school all week and then pass the child off to grandparents overnight at the weekend because the parents need a break/to go out/date night. Pretty much all of my cousins do that with their children and people seem to think that's perfectly acceptable when they're spending even less time with their children.

MissAdventure you’ve missed the point- no one said that teaching was more stressful. What I’m saying is that some people think teaching is a doddle because of the long holiday. We are simply pointing out that is not the case and that teachers work much longer hours, outside school hours, than most people realise.

It makes me laugh when I see people suddenly very knowledgeable about jobs they have never done. Most jobs have their pros and cons & presume teaching is as stressful as other types of work. But until you have done a job you don't know you can only surmise. I have done care work, cleaning, retail, project management, HR, admin, facilities management, budget manager and progress chasing, waiting, PR, promotion & comns. , training & development, It's been intersti g that's for sure.

My dil is a teacher, head of dept. Head of year. She is the Special Needs teacher. And is on board of governors. Her working week takes all of 7 days when considering preparation/marking etc.

He has two little girls one at school and one at day nursery. During the school summer break the younger does not go to nursery and she has both children at home with her. Still managed to mark A level papers.

It can be done. It's all about what mum wants for the school break!! And like all grans we keep it zipped.

If she was not a teacher DGS would be at Nursery. Not everyone is an earth mother or enjoys their child's babyhood. She may be a super mum when he is older. She may be a better mum for being refreshed and give him better experience for a shorter period of time each day . If this was your son on his annual leave and dil at work would you expect him to have son f/t? I don't know the family so hard to say ..just putting a few thoughts out there.

No more so than being a nurse, a doctor, a carer, and ambulance driver, etc.
Except that those jobs involve shifts into the bargain.

Does anyone really think teaching 30 6 year olds is a doddle? Can't understand why there is a recruitment crisis then.

There is not really enough to go on here. I take it OP that the family is not having a summer holiday this year? Is your DS not taking any annual leave to spend with his son? This seems odd as you write that he has the strongest bond.

I worked as a University lecturer and it used to make me laugh when people talked about "long holidays" as though the summer is a holiday for staff and that staff have nothing to do when students go down! It was often a busy time:
- carrying out research
- writing research papers, books and articles
- planning the next year of teaching - lectures, seminars, exam papers, assignments
- reading books/articles for possible inclusion in future courses
- reviewing articles for journals
- preparing and marking resit exams
- admin

I always took 2-3 weeks with the kids and DH but they would always have to attend nursery or holiday clubs for some weeks

..and celebrating when the school holidays end!

I think there are lots of stressful jobs....teaching is one of them. I don’t recall anyone saying it’s the most stressful job there is, but there are plenty who seem to be suggesting it’s a walk in the park eg ‘teaching 6 year olds!’ ....what a doddle that must be ?

Funny then that many parents (mainly mums) seem to be tearing their hair out about how to entertain their 2.5 children. Child’s play! ?

Jenny Murray is quoted this morning as saying part time work must be made available to both parents. She's right in saying that it's expected mothers will be the parent who works part time when children arrive. This tends to lead to the view that part time workers aren't as dedicated or reliable as those who work full time. It also imo puts a lot of pressure on women who take the pt route. They work over their hours, go into work for meetings on their 'off' days and in addition, find themselves doing all the domestic and emotional care of the family.

Children are the responsibility and joy of both their parents. It amazes me that we're still stuck in the dark ages in the UK with very expensive day care, negative views of mothers who continue to work etc. Look to the Scandi countries where high quality, subsidised child care is the norm. Where both parents are given flexibility - what's not to aspire to.

Thank you iam64 your kind words about key workers lift my heart as I've done this job fir 16 years seen many changes mostly red tape! But I live it and will retire when I stop loving it. I have had some lovely flowers cards presents this week all nice but the kind words and the hugs mean the most to me! Where children are happy let them be in part day or whole day they will be looked after.