Gransnet forums

Ask a gran

Grandson’s nursery time

(156 Posts)
Sielha Sat 21-Jul-18 00:17:50

Interested in others’ opinions on this: my daughter in law is a teacher and therefore just broken up for 6 weeks. My grandson of 15 months is in nursery full time (7.30am- 5.30pm) and will continue to be placed there throughout these holidays in order that she may have a break. Wouldn’t begrudge anyone a break but I find this a little odd, to say the least. Understand that the place has to be paid for regardless but would have expected a combination of nursery and at home with Mum throughout this period. She is a distant mum and my grandson has the strongest bond with my son (acknowledged by her). Post natal depression? Selfishness? Or completely acceptable? Welcome your constructive comments.

notanan2 Sat 21-Jul-18 01:12:50

teachers have a LOT of prep to do in their own time in the holidays... she may be having a "break" compaired to term time, but I'll betchya her "break" involves some work!

There is merit in being fully "off duty" when the kid is at home, rather than half being with him while half trying to get prep done.

"selfish" mothers drink the food money BTW, there's nothing selfish about working your ass off in education to provide for your child, and these days without some respite she would end up burning out as teaching is not what it was! it chews people up and spits them out!

you clearly don't like her

stella1949 Sat 21-Jul-18 02:04:38

Don't concern yourself with it. He is well looked after - what's the problem ?

Tassymumof2 Sat 21-Jul-18 03:43:22

I don't see a problem with that. His place has to be paid for regardless if he goes, or he would loose it. Why waste money, the days are paid for, she might as well use them.
But on that note, she may have plans to keep him home a day or two each week, depending on what other things she has to do in those 6weeks. She might just not have any firm plans yet. A teachers job doesn't end when school does unfortunately, they have a lot of prep work to do at home.

Try not to read to much into it and jump straight to PND or selfish etc. She's still probably finding the balance between work, her baby and time for herself. Her son would have a familiar routine with going to nursery during the week and it could completely disrupt his moods/sleep to change it up too much just because schools out.

BlueBelle Sat 21-Jul-18 05:27:58

I do personally see a problem although I agree it’s not your business But it’s a long old day for a year old 10 hours away from Mum how’s he ever going to bond with her I cannot see the point in having a baby to pay someone else to look after it sorry call me old fashioned ( which I m not) but where’s the fun times with Mum
Tassey you say why waste the money that sounds so cold The little chap needs a mum around she obviously hasn’t bonded with him or else she would be counting the days to the end of term to be with him I know a teacher (depending on the age group she teaches) have work to do in the holidays but that could be done when he sleeps or evenings, you work around things
Sounds as if he ll be at boarding school when he’s 7

In my opinion and from the bit of info you ve given she’s doesn’t sound very maternal at all I hope he can find his love, cuddles and guidance from his Dad and you Sielha

Beau Sat 21-Jul-18 06:18:50

I agree with BlueBelle, Sielha - there's nothing you can do though, I had / have similar with DD and DGS. I can't understand it at all, I never wanted to be away from DD when she was a baby / toddler but nowadays some women don't feel the same - I find it heartbreaking.

MamaCaz Sat 21-Jul-18 07:15:21

I can see where you are coming from, OP, and I would probably have similar thoughts in your position.
However, in addition to your dil's wanting a 'break', I think there might be another argument in favour of not changing the arrangement over the holidays -routine. Particularly with such a young child, it might be less traumatic overall for him to stick to the usual routine, rather than having to re-adapt in September.

That said, like you, I find it very surprising that his mum doesn't want any extra time at all with him over summer!

Grandma70s Sat 21-Jul-18 07:19:08

I agree with Bluebelle and Beau. It sounds extraordinary to me. I know teaching is a tiring job and prep has to be done, but it doesn’t take all day every day for six weeks. Couldn’t the child be at nursery in the mornings and at home in the afternoons? Or at nursery for three weeks and at home for three weeks? It sounds to me as if she simply doesn’t want to look after the child herself. That’s very sad.

Surely the father must have holiday time as well, so he could look after the baby at home during that time.

I accept that in dire financial circumstances it is sometimes necessary for both parents to work, and to put babies in full-time nursery, and I accept that it is nice to have the occasional break. However, a child is a full time job, and should be a priority, not an extra in your life. I’m very glad I was able to look after mine myself.

mumofmadboys Sat 21-Jul-18 07:28:36

I would share your concerns Sielha but best not to say anything. She may just feel exhausted at the end of term and be desperate for some recovery time. In a week or two as she recovers she may change her plans.

Febmummaofaboy Sat 21-Jul-18 08:18:06

I would keep your thoughts to yourself, I wouldn't do it (MIL says I should leave son elsewhere as isn't fair) but if she is worn out from teaching and still doing her prep for next year maybe she needs some me time? My sister is a teacher and it doesn't stop in the holidays, they still need to prep and a child in nursery is 3 or under so would be a lot of work? And maybe son likes nursery? If I was paying for entertainment for my son I might begrudge taking him out of that to then pay to entertain him another way?

Bluegal Sat 21-Jul-18 08:32:53

Like others have said I would have wanted to be with my children in school holidays too but best to say nothing!

FWIW why is teaching considered any more stressful than other jobs? I appreciate it the day doesn’t necessarily end at 3 pm but what about Doctors/police/fire/ambulance men and women? They are parents too. Also many parents do not get time for themselves because they can’t afford it! So I don’t quite get the “she must be stressed because she’s a teacher angle”.

I can see she may not want to disrupt his routine. But as has been said kids are only kids for a very short time and I would want to be as much a part of that as I could (and was).

Luckygirl Sat 21-Jul-18 08:40:21

Well basically it is not down to you - it is the parents' choice. So definitely zip the lip.

When I was a social worker I used to tell Mums who had the money to do as much good parenting as they could and to farm out the rest to professionals. Sounds a bit crude, but at least the child gets something good in both settings, rather than a tired disgruntled mother.

Presumably he is happily settled at nursery, so there is something to be said for keeping the routine going.

Wouldn't suit me, but we are all different.

eazybee Sat 21-Jul-18 08:41:24

I am assuming that when your son takes his holiday entitlement he has his child out of nursery and with him full time?

harrigran Sat 21-Jul-18 08:42:17

I am old fashioned and believe a child belongs at home with mother when it is a baby/toddler.
If you do not want to put your career on hold do not have children.

OldMeg Sat 21-Jul-18 08:44:02

You’ve obviously never taught then Bluegal and no one said that teaching was any more stressful than the other jobs you’ve named. Yes, it’s up there with the doctors I imagine who don’t just sign off at the end of a shift/day.

Police/fire/ambulance also very,very stressful but when they sign off at the end of their shift their day is their own.

OldMeg Sat 21-Jul-18 08:45:51

What a load of #&*85£+ harrigan what century do you live in? Where would we find our teachers, nurses, doctors, shop assistants, etc. if mums didn’t work.

Grandma70s Sat 21-Jul-18 09:01:54

Harrigran was specifically referring to the time when the children are babies and toddlers. I agree it's best not to do a paid job then unless it is absolutely essential for financial reasons.

gillybob Sat 21-Jul-18 09:07:09

I really can’t understand why any mother could want their child in nursery full time to enable them to “enjoy a 6 week break” Sielha it just doesn’t seem right ( to me) . My DD will have to go back to work soon (she works in a coffee shop so her shifts will stretch over a 7 day period and 15 hours per day) and her little one us only 11 weeks old . It’s breaking her heart . I don’t know how we are going to manage with nursery as her shifts will change week in and week out. I intend to do most weekends ( dependant on her partners shifts who also works 5 from 7) and at least one day / overnight during the week .

I just can’t understand why anyone with 6 whole weeks summer holiday would not want to enjoy their time with their child. Maybe it’s just me ? I agree with Bluegal plenty equally stressful jobs as teaching. Would any other job enable such generous holidays of 13 weeks over year? Most people get a measly 4 or 5 and they not always so family friendly either. My son and DiL almost always have to take their holidays apart to look after the children. How rubbish us that ?

OldMeg Sat 21-Jul-18 09:16:33

Neither would most other just have you working all weekend and at night gillybob

OldMeg Sat 21-Jul-18 09:16:57

Jobs not just

gillybob Sat 21-Jul-18 09:21:41

Not sure what you mean OldMeg but my DD works from a possible 7am start to a 10pm finish 5 from 7 ( always at least one Saturday or Sunday) 4 weeks holiday plus BHs which can’t be taken on BH. Not exactly family friendly is it ?

OldMeg Sat 21-Jul-18 09:22:08

Though I do understand Gillybob that unless you’ve personally experienced the demands of teaching or had a member of your family in that profession it is almost impossible to understand the stresses and the amount of unpaid overtime teachers put in.

OldMeg Sat 21-Jul-18 09:23:51

Presumably your daughter gets paid for every hour she works though?

MissAdventure Sat 21-Jul-18 09:24:35

I can't understand a mum not wanting at least a week or two with her child, teacher or not.

littleflo Sat 21-Jul-18 09:25:58

To do the very best for your child, does not necessarily mean you have to be the care giver. For what ever reason the mum feels that a break away from each other is In the child’s best interest.

I think that between 1 and 2 is the most difficult time. The child is mobile enough to be active but has no sense of right and wrong, I would imagine a very unhappy child who is with a mum who cannot relate to his needs. In a good nursery, he is socialising and learning behaviours that are not always easy to teach at home.

When she is with him she will be refreshed and able to give him all the love she is capable of. Please don’t condemn her for not being maternal. Some women don’t relate to babies but can be superb mums when the children are older.