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Adopted Grandchild

(117 Posts)
Lyndiloo Wed 01-Aug-18 03:16:47

My daughter and her husband have trouble conceiving. They have a daughter of 4 years, by IVF treatment, but as my daughter is now 43, don't want (and can't afford!) to try IVF again, and have decided to adopt. They have been through all the adoption procedures, and a little boy of 2 is likely to become theirs in October.

My problem is that I don't know how to handle this. I've been very supportive throughout all the adoption process, for my daughter's sake, but really, I don't know how I feel about this.

I'm worried about the affect this will have on my granddaughter (although, if her mum were pregnant, she would be facing just the same feelings of jealousy, etc.)

I'm worried that I won't be able to bond with this new child. (I really want to say 'strange' child!)

I'm not the sort of person who adores children. I don't drool over babies. I love my own. And that's it!

Of course, I will treat him just the same as my other grandchildren.

But I'm really worried that I won't be able to love him. (And poor little soul has been through so much rejection, I would hate to add to it!)

ChaosIncorporated Wed 01-Aug-18 06:17:44

Love obviously wont be instantaneous, but I am inclined to think that it will grow. Treat him exactly as you do the others, and "fake it 'til you make it"!

PamelaJ1 Wed 01-Aug-18 06:45:29

Excellent adviceChaos,
Unfortunately not all children are quite so lovable as others but if we have a genetic link we have an inbuilt tie that predisposes us to love them.
You have already said that you will follow Chaos’s advice so I’m sure it will work out well.
My friend has 2 adopted GC and she had similar worries. All is fine now.

Greenfinch Wed 01-Aug-18 07:02:47

Your sentence in brackets suggests you are alreay on the road to bonding with him.Dont worry about it.You care and that is important.

sodapop Wed 01-Aug-18 07:41:16

I think you should stop stressing about it Lyndiloo and just go with the flow. Stop thinking about the adoption factor and just concentrate on the fact that you have a new grandchild. Don't forget the child will soon pick up on any negative vibes.
I was rejected by my adoptive maternal grandparents obviously many years ago now but we both lost out because of it. Don't let this happen to you, your family needs your support.

BlueBelle Wed 01-Aug-18 07:46:22

Please don’t overthink this before he arrives
I m not a baby drooler either but I ll tell you what I bet the first time that little chap touches your face, holds your finger tightly and smiles at your face he will be yours and given time no one will know the difference please don’t imagine problems that will most probably never ever arrive
A wise friend who use to long term foster little ones who’d been in very dire family situations told me that after the first nappy change they were hers
Many natural mothers worry about bonding it doesn’t always happen instantly but it will happen if you allow it
Lastly do not worry about your granddaughter he will be her brother she will know no difference
Enjoy your family

Luckygirl Wed 01-Aug-18 08:20:54

Worried you will not love him? - you will.

There are adopted children (now grown) in our family. We love them - they are family.

Teetime Wed 01-Aug-18 08:56:02

Exactly my thoughts ' fake it till you make it' and you will find it all works out well. How lovely to soon be welcoming this little chap into your family- focus on the joy he will bring.

Iam64 Wed 01-Aug-18 09:16:41

'fake it till you make it' is a new phrase for me, sheltered life or what. It's great advice and as everyone else has said, its almost certain you will fall in love with this little one. It's so good to read that this is the route your daughter and her husband have chosen.

Eglantine21 Wed 01-Aug-18 09:17:02

To be honest some of us don’t feel that overwhelming rush of love that others get when seeing their natural grandchild.

For me it came as I cared for them and watched them grow. A development of love if you like.

I’m like that in my adult relationships too. Let everyone grows if you let it.

“Love isn’t something wonderful that you feel, it’s something wonderful that you do.”

Eglantine21 Wed 01-Aug-18 09:18:02

That should say Love grows. Goodness knows what this pad is on!

goldengirl Wed 01-Aug-18 10:58:31

Just imagine how the little boy will be feeling. He's only 2 and this is another change in his life. You will surely want to contribute to making him a happy and in doing so you will find yourself loving him and making him part of the family. Yes, the 4 year old might be a bit jealous - just as siblings are likely to be, but she'll get used to having him around and if our GC are anything to go by will bicker and love him too!

henetha Wed 01-Aug-18 11:04:00

I understand how you feel, because I felt that too at first.
But now I can honestly say that I love my adopted grandchildren just as much as my blood grandchildren.
In time, it just doesn't make any difference. Adoption can be a wonderful thing. I do hope it works out wonderfully for all of you.

knickas63 Wed 01-Aug-18 11:17:27

You already care about his feelings - so you are half way there! It will be difficult - he will be unsettled as the poor little mite has had no stability - but I believe you already understant that so I suspect all will be well. Take each day as it comes.

grannyactivist Wed 01-Aug-18 11:52:08

Of course you're wondering how you'll feel, you've never been in this position before. However, your last sentence tells me that you will do whatever is needful to make this little child feel loved and that's what matters for now.
Well done for supporting your daughter in spite of your misgivings. flowers

HildaW Wed 01-Aug-18 12:39:37

Lyndiloo....we have adoptive children in our family and it all worked out well, in fact we are a fine example of blood not being thicker than water! It does all come out for the best. It might take a little time but just take your cue from your daughter and support her, familiarity will do a lot and love is contagious. All the best.

lollee Wed 01-Aug-18 14:15:43

I work with Cared for Children as a humble Passenger Assistant. We transport children of all ages from dot to 16ish and I have to say there are some I love to bits and others that I would rather not be around. However, a baby I have not taken to often softens my heart although older unpleasant children with attitude I can never take to although I never show it and do try my best to befriend them. Often the tougher the kids, the easier I find to get through to them, they seem to respect my brand of discipline and no nonsense and will often open up to me. Sorry to rattle on, all I can say is to echo the very first reply which sounded spot on to me.

Luckygirl Wed 01-Aug-18 14:33:32

This little chap will have had a difficult life so far, or he would not be available for adoption. He will need the structure and security of a new family around him, and you will both be part of that. It is both a responsibility and a pleasure.

Bridgeit Wed 01-Aug-18 15:02:02

If you don’t show you don’t, he won’t know you don’t,but I bet before long you will love him for real, compassion for how he got to where he is should help you. 2yrs is a difficult unsettling time for children that have not had a stable start in life. He will need to feel & be assured he belongs ,all of these things shows a kind of love,but perhaps not the instant sort that starts at birth. best wishes to your family it takes special people to do this .

Lyndiloo Wed 01-Aug-18 16:31:26

Thank you all for such supportive and inspiring comments. I feel a lot more positive after reading them. And I shall remember, "Fake it, til you make it," and "Love isn't something wonderful that you feel, it's something wonderful that you do."

I'll do my best!

HildaW Wed 01-Aug-18 17:18:39


Bluegal Wed 01-Aug-18 17:24:28

Lyndiloo when I was pregnant with my first I wondered if I would love her. This was despite already having two step sons I adored. When I was pregnant I worried I wouldn’t love another the same as the others! It’s natural to feel anxious but don’t worry unnecessarily. Nobody really knows what “love is”. Love takes many forms. I love my mum my husband my children grandchildren even my pets but don’t love them in exactly the same way. I take care of them all to the best of my ability and that’s all anyone can ask.

Take it slowly, get to know him, care for him. In time you will forget he wasn’t around for the first two years of his life. How exciting. Good luck

SpanielNanny Wed 01-Aug-18 17:39:08

Not the same as your story, but I am a sort of a surrogate grandmother to the two young girls who live next door. Their mum suffers form ms and their dad works long hours. The girls have no ‘blood’ grandparents and there is no other family close by, so I would occasionally help the family out. Over the past few years I have developed an incredibly strong bond with them. I really do consider them my family.

I also have a 14 month old grandson, when he was born (unlike when I met the girls) the love was instant and overwhelming. I loved him as soon as I knew my dil was expecting! This morning I took the youngest of the girls with me to visit my dil and dgs. Watching her play with my grandson, my heart was so full of love, I honestly couldn’t distinguish one from the other.

Give it time, you will love your new grandson just as you do your granddaughter.

Congratulations on your growing family flowers flowers flowers

Barmeyoldbat Wed 01-Aug-18 18:50:15

My sons two eldest are not his but when they were young I just loved them to bits. As they got older one became a real problem so I don’t have that much to do with her but the other, well I just still love her to bits. Just wIt and see and have an open mind.

PECS Wed 01-Aug-18 21:01:35

Unconditional love is what parents are expected to have for their children that they chose to have.
Grandparents may have unconditional love for their DGCs but it is less expected.

Your daughter and husband are expecting their second child..which is a joyful thing. Understandably you are feeling anxious & you are worried about spoiling their happiness by not feeling the closeness with your new grandson that you feel for your DGD. If you can already think of him as DGDs little brother, are picking up a little gifts for him , as you would if he was being born to your DD and getting a bit excited about his arrival I am sure the rest will come as it seems you really want this to work out well.