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Am I selfish ,am I being all wrong about this?

(26 Posts)
Farmnanjulie Wed 01-Aug-18 15:38:37

I have been feeling really down lately and don't know if I am being unfair or selfish and have no one talk to,it's about my son,I have two grown up children ,my daughter is married with teenagers and is pretty happy,my son is 28 and single, my daughter was a handful when she was a teenager and not very nice,assume has matured we begin very well,she is 7 years older than her brother.
My son had some health problems as a baby ,and some general learning difficulties,and as I was a widow and my daughter left home at 16 her choice as she wanted to see a much older man,we did not want her to go,but she did! Which left me and my son,he was a joy ,and we had such fun , and we are quite close and have similar likes,which is the same for much daughter,
James found it hard to get work ,he has low self esteem,and did not do very well in school,and jobs being hard to get he became depressed and hated signing on.
He has now had a job ,a manual one and has held that down and did well,so obviously I see him less,he lives with my brother near his work,James is awful with money ,but is on top of that with debt advice,and sorting it out,I see him about once a week sometimes two,and we normally go somewhere with his sister and my gc,who all get on well ,the problem is,he has met a girl online and went to meet her ,she lives in Dorset we are in Essex,has no car,and is renting cars,getting trains to meet her , and borrowing the money to do this,which has not got,he has been down five times for days ,in which they are going out,eating out etc,he has been back from one of these trips three days and is planning a other one next week,we do not know much about this girl ,she phones a dozen times a day crying about things,and James sounds like a counsellor when he speaks to her,it's never cheerfully,,I have seen a photo of her,and she is crying I that one as well!
James has really changed,he is glued to the phone answering told off at work about it,he is either ringing her or she is ringing him,he has no other conversation,and people have said he is not Interested in anything else,he was a real family man,but he is pulling away ,and God help you ! If you don't join in his conversation about this girl,he gets really angry.
From my view ,I do not see him now,and we all had a family day out,and I miss that,I don't know if I'm selfish ,I live in a isolated cottage miles from anywhere ,and don't drive,I'm 52. It very lonely,so is it me, that,s wrong.
We know very little about her,we don't know her surname or age,she doesn't work ,has depression,and cries all the time,but the story changess every time,
I'm not sure if having to loan money to visit,or a girl who also has depression and money problems,is the best match,he says he wants a family like his sister,but I'm really worried now he will manage,as he cannot keep loaning,he has no car and sold most of what he owns.
I'm also worried he will move away, I would really appreciate any advice..please!!

Farmnanjulie Wed 01-Aug-18 15:41:27

Sorry for typing errors,I type fast ,as its in my head,to get it all out,! Hope it makes sense!!

Squiffy Wed 01-Aug-18 15:56:51

Farmnan You may want to ask GN to edit your post as you have given quite a lot of personal info - names, places. This is a public forum and can be read by anybody in the world. Not everyone realises that!

Jane10 Wed 01-Aug-18 16:04:28

Sounds like he's in lurve. He's got it bad and I don't think there's much you can do about it sadly.
He was always going to move gradually away from you though. Can you turn your thoughts to your own situation? Is it maybe time to think of a move to a less isolated house, somewhere you could get more involved in local life and be less reliant on family for company?
I know that's a bit of a thought but maybe this situation with your so could be a catalyst? Good luck.

Ilovecheese Wed 01-Aug-18 16:05:32

This is an awful worry for you and I am sorry.
It sounds as if your son has fallen in love, and that is when all sense can fly out of the window. I think the best thing you can do is take an interest in what he tells you about her, and join in his conversations about her, ask if you can meet her, invite her to visit etc.
We cannot choose our children's partners, however much we would like to, and yes, children can and do move away.

Could you possibly move yourself, so that you could meet more people without having to drive.

Farmnanjulie Wed 01-Aug-18 16:05:48

Thanks for your concern ,first post ever! Probably have given to much info.its because I cannot talk to anyone about this that's made me do that , cheers for advice!

Ilovecheese Wed 01-Aug-18 16:06:09

crossed posts Jane10

BlueBelle Wed 01-Aug-18 16:08:35

Well I think you have two things going on here one a normal worrying mum thing and the other a selfish facet I think what you believe about this relationship, his recent spending habits getting in debt, the fact they both have depression and his single mindedness about this lady is probably well founded and doesn’t sound very ideal for either of them however he isn’t a baby he’s 28 years old and would normally have flown the nest long before now so really it is his business and not yours Is this his first girlfriend ?
The second is about you I am worried he will move away And I am very lonely you cannot keep this man away from lady friends because you are not enjoying life you have to cut the apron strings and let him fly and fall or soar on the wind
You are extremely young, do you have friends You need to make your own entertain,ent find some hobbies some like minded people and leave him alone to find his own way Don’t be paying for his trips or giving him money, if he wants a long distance relationship he will have to fund it on his wages why don’t you invite her up for a weekend then you can see for yourself she might be lovely you just never know until you try much better than making an enemy of her

Nanabilly Wed 01-Aug-18 16:13:43

I think you need to meet this girl . Get involved in the relationship even if it's the last thing you want to do. That way you will find out the things you need to know about her and you never know you might be pleasantly surprised or you just might have your worst fears proven. I know , its a little devious but pretending you are interested is the only way to find out.

Grammaretto Wed 01-Aug-18 16:20:59

I would suggest you get professional help. Try asking your doctor. This is rather a complex situation and although you want your son to be happy, it doesn't sound as though this relationship is making anyone happy.
The money side is worrying too.
I suppose you could invite the girlfriend to stay or suggest your brother does. That way you can meet and see what she's really like.

Farmnanjulie Wed 01-Aug-18 16:29:45

Good advice,I want him to be happy, he would be a brilliant dad,I dont want him to be in debt for ever,as it stops you getting anything apart from the worry,
As for me as we,have a tied cottage ,goes with husband's job,he loves son ,but is very black and white about money,see very little of husband,manages three farms alone ,so have to live here,pretty but lonely,
It's really hard when people move away,but would never stop anyone ,you have to live your life.

I have asked about her,get varying not sure what's true,yep first girlfriend ,!!

shysal Wed 01-Aug-18 16:31:37

If you wish to ask HQ to edit some of the personal details from your post, the email address is [email protected]

Telly Wed 01-Aug-18 16:47:16

Living beyond their means seems to be pretty normal for a lot of people. I guess that whoever is lending the money should think again, equally they are probably not going to be repaid so it is actually a gift. What can you do? Not a lot really, he is an adult, living away from home and is in love. I am going to guess that it will be a question of picking up the pieces as and when it falls apart which must be a strong possibility as they both have various problems to deal with. But what about you? Perhaps you could try to socialise more, even if it does mean driving to meet up. At the end of the day worrying won't help and you deserve to have a life too.

Bluegal Wed 01-Aug-18 17:08:44

I agree with BlueBelle (again). And No we are not in a clique lol

I understand your concerns but he does need to make his own choices and mistakes. Stop giving him money though. If he can’t afford it, he can’t afford it. The relationship may continue long distance or may just fizzle out

I too was slightly alarmed by your comments regarding missing his company etc. If that is even a minor contribution to your feelings then stop now! Our children are not our possessions. Guide, advise, listen but let him live his own life. JMO

paddyann Wed 01-Aug-18 17:28:13

Can you try to be happy for him,,he's found someone he wants to be with and if he's had a difficult time up until now she'll seem like the most wonderful girl in the world. Whatever you think of her make the effort to show you're interested in her and care about their relationship.He will appreciate it so much especialy as you are so close.

In my experience if you're nice to them they'll keep coming back to visit and thats what you want,dont chase him away make him feel you'd like both of them to be part of the family .As for yourself have to try to find things or people to fill the void ,its not easy but it will be worthwhile .

FlexibleFriend Wed 01-Aug-18 17:33:53

Oh Blimey a first GF at 28 and bless him he's smitten but there really isn't anything you can do. You either wait for it to all fall apart or be supportive. You say he gets angry if you don't join in conversations about her but how can you when all you know is what he tells you. That's obviously going to be very one sided because he's in lurve. So I think you need to suggest meeting her, invite her to stay for the weekend and find out about her that way, her likes and dislikes and get him to talk about her properly. You say you have a good relationship with your son so use that relationship get involved by being welcoming and non judgmental because that will only drive him towards her. If he really can't afford to continue as he is then it's very likely to accelerate their relationship because he clearly wants to be with her so don't be surprised if he starts talking of moving in with her. We all know what young love is like, he may have come to it late but it's clearly no less intense. I think you have to be supportive regardless of what you feel.

Farmnanjulie Wed 01-Aug-18 20:26:57

Some great words here! I don't think it's odd to miss his company as was suggested! We get on well,I get on with my daughter well,and missed her company too !

I'm not looking to my son or daughter for a life,I'm concerned about him getting into serious money problems,trying to get the money to go every second week,when he has no money,renting cars,train fairs etc,his girlfriend cannot travel to him as she is skint as well.

He seems to be not thinking about how to sustain this,you cannot. I would hate for him to not be able to get a place ,as he is now blacklisted,and these visits are lovely for him,but you cannot get loans for ever,
I have managed to get a bit more general info about her,and he seems very smitten,I'm concerned that how he will manage to do it,as some payments are not paid,and he is trying to catch up,he is in a low income job,

I think maybe it's me hanging on, there are so few family members now,the circle gets smaller every year, suddenly everyone is either died,moved away,or so busy with their lives that they do not bother to keep friend and family links.

My first husband died very young and I became fearful about all losses,then my mum and dad died,and I try to hang onto the few that are left,
I dont know if it's the letting go,or what! But the thought of my son and daughter moving away throws me into a tailspin,I really,really try to reign it in.
But I'm obviously not making a good job of it!

Beau Wed 01-Aug-18 20:43:50

I can see why you are worried Farmnanjulie - would the learning difficulties you mention make him especially vulnerable? I agree with you that this woman sounds like the worst type of woman he could meet, given his circumstances. I don't know what you can do though - find out as much as you can about her but as you say the story changes every time so alarm bells ring for me.

Farmnanjulie Wed 01-Aug-18 21:18:25

His learning difficulties make him more like 18 ,very young for his age,very impulsive ,big gestures of gifts to people,short fuse,very emotional,lacks some understanding , especially with written communication, when angry he has hit walls although thank goodness he stopped that,I have to go with him to any hospital appointment as he will run away! Bad with money.

He has improved a lot ,but a lot still applies,he is very loving,has a a great sense of humour, never been in trouble,
I think he loves this girl already ,in 8 weeks , that is what he is saying, I cannot make him a bit realistic, it took him years to find a job because of his problems,and a family member gave him a job and a chance and he does really well,what if he leaves to be with her,no job,no car,no money,

He told me she worked and where,then he told me some thing different,but he says she has nothing!
And then he is selling all he owns to visit!
I am at my wit's end

FlexibleFriend Wed 01-Aug-18 21:52:07

Trouble is he won't be thinking ahead, you know what young love is like, 8 weeks is an eternity. talk to him without being judgmental, just make it sound as though your trying to find a way through it for him because you know he wants to be with her. Ask him about job prospects where she lives, how much accommodation costs etc etc just don't make it sound like you're trying to put him off. Would it be better if she moved to where he is, does she work?

petra Wed 01-Aug-18 22:18:00

Do you know what site it was that your son met this women?
I'm assuming that you know her name.
To all intents and purposes it could all be perfectly innocent on her part, but, I've known a couple of cases where vulnerable adults have been taken advantage of.
Thank goodness in this electronic age you can find out almost anything about people.
You will have to start playing detective.
For a start, just search her name and see what comes up.

stella1949 Wed 01-Aug-18 22:30:48

I agree with petra - track her down and find out about her. She'd have a Facebook or Instagram page - look her up and see what she is like. I know it's not all believable on social media but it gives you an idea .

The more you know about her, the more informed you'll be. But at the end of the day , he is infatuated and you can't fight it. Just be there when it all disintegrates and pick up the pieces.

I'd certainly decline to lend him any money - to be blunt, when he runs out of funds I suspect that the relationship will founder, so maybe it's a case of "the sooner the better".

Best wishes to you .

MeltingMacaron Wed 01-Aug-18 23:32:34

Just a thought but why is this all one way traffic?

I don't know exactly where she or you live but an advance return train ticket from say Bournemouth in Dorset to Colchester in Essex with a 16-25 railcard can be bought for about £30. Even if you or your son paid for her ticket, could she come to Essex so that you could meet her to alleviate some of your concerns?

Do you know if she is getting medical help with her depression? She sounds extremely needy and rather selfish if her calling him constantly is getting him into trouble at work. I would be concerned that her behaviour is attention-seeking rather than genuine affection for your son.

BlueBelle Thu 02-Aug-18 08:19:28

Actually missAdventure you can get tickets a lot less with the many online companies now and if you book ahead My daughter has just bought return tickets for herself and two teenagers for £30 for a 130 mile journey to London and back There is also coach,s longer but cheaper
I don’t think you can stop him meeting up he’s in the full throws of first love and we ve all been there I d have moved to the moon to be with my first love
As I said in my first post make a friend of her invite her to yours you never know it might be good company for you they might start meeting at yours instead of hers who knows this might open up your lonely life and even if they finish it would give your son the green light to know he can conduct another relationship in your area your home and with you around, not isolated
It’s not her or you

Dolcelatte Thu 02-Aug-18 08:39:45

It is good, I think, that your son has formed a relationship. But don't lend him money that he can't afford to pay back and, yes, invite his girlfriend to come and stay for a few days. You could maybe fund the tickets. He should not be doing all the running and certainly not putting his hard won job at risk.