Mental health

GrandmainOz yes the hurt caused by those who don’t understand . It’s my darling daughters birthday on Monday, I want to look at all the photographs of her growing up but too painful .

I don’t think there is another illness which can cause so much hurt to a family.

Stay strong x

Oh anniebach, I sometimes think I could write a book, but nobody would believe it. I, too, am broken. But I fight, just like you. I fight every day. There are still people who need me and I refuse to let them down. So much hurt caused by those who don't understand - but us mothers know the truth. And we keep our faith that our children loved us. And our love for them is sometimes the only part of us that remains unbroken

Maddyone thankyou

Annie and GrandmainOz

True it hasn’t ended GrandmainOz, i like many others coped with two still births, being widowed young, being a one parent family , I fought back . My darling daughters illness , the hurt suffered by her three children and her husband by the illness, the reaction to her illness by my three sisters has broken me , but it was the illness which broke me not my daughter . I know and never doubt she loved me.

I just want to send my sincerest warm wishes to all dealing with family mental illness. I have serious MH problems myself (finally properly diagnosed and under treatment, but after decades of suffering alone). For me though, it was my AC's severe mental illness that pushed me to the brink of what I could cope with. I was permanently on "red alert": terrified, exhausted and guilty all the time. My beautiful, affectionate child, well he vanished. His illness spoke over him and consumed him. So,so hard to remember that's it's the illness, not your loved one, talking when there's such abuse, distress and confusion thrown at you. The 'better" days that give such a boost of hope, only to be plunged back into despair when another horror occurs just the next day. So hard to keep strong, be the matriarch for the rest of the family. A constant guilt trip as you try to remember the needs of everyone else when all you can think/worry about is the mentally ill person. In my case AC. My story with him ended extremely similarly to anniebach's. But actually that's a simplistic way of putting it. It hasn't ended. My guilt and pain endure endlessly it seems. But then so does my love for him.
The irony is that I am a "success story". Living a very limited life, but still LIVING, supporting and caring for my husband, other AC and GC. I was the lucky one. How I wish it had been the other way around.
My love and wishes of strength to all who walk this lonely, frightening path. You're not alone. Don't do what I did and shut yourself away

Oh Luba, thank you for your lovely message, but it’s not my husband who has been ill, but my daughter. Her depression has and is being treated, and she sees a councellor weekly and has done for many months. She has also been treated by a psychiatrist.
But the difficulties and stress that goes on month after month, and year after year, this affects the rest of the family, who try to be supportive and offer lots of help, but it all becomes too much eventually, and then other relationships suffer. This what has happened to myself and my husband.

Annie, it’s natural that you’ve felt upset with your husband because he wasn’t there when you needed him. It was the most natural thing to feel when you were under all the stress and terrible upset with your daughter. Please try not to upset yourself over it, because it’s so natural to have those feelings. Equally, although I dislike it so much, I realise that it’s natural, if unjust, for my husband and myself to be annoyed with each other, not all the time, but some of the time, because of differences in how we cope with the ongoing difficulties.

Maddyond, I've had depression and anxiety since I can remember. It wasn't spoken about all those years ago and labelled myself as a freak just as my peers did. I'm now 54 this year and was only diagnosed about 6 months ago PTSO! The specific councilling I need are so choca blocked full they're not even putting anyone on the list! The fact thst in 2019 the resources are so minimal. I was told by the councillor thst diagnosed me I must only go to a councillor that is specifically for people like me...yet there is none!
Maddyone your husband is lucky to have you. Has he been diagnosed with his type of depression. I would certainly go with him to a councillor in mental health who will them be able to point you in the right direction for him. I went to see a private councillor who charges what you can afford if you're on a low income. For example the place I went to their normal rates are £35 per session. However I was giving a bursary with a £5 charge.
I hope he soon gets well. Best wishes to you ?

maddy the years my daughter was ill I would unreasonably feel anger with my late husband for dying and not being with me to support our daughter , your post has made me rethink x

Maddyone I can well understand things coming between your husband and yourself. My husband has been wonderful (especially as he is actually her step granddad) but last night said how he felt we had no life left outside of our constant worries. I reckon there has to be a balance to be found and I will be trying to give him more of my undivided attention. It's all so, so hard isn't it?

So many people dealing with this issue, and so little support out there for family members.
For me, this issue is beginning to come between my husband and myself. We have different views on how to cope, and it these different approaches which are causing us difficulties.
Does anyone else find this?

notoveryet I am so sorry, so very sorry to read about your situation. It is very hard. Sending (((hugs))) and

I understand so well your mind going round and round. I'm ou r case it's our granddaughter whose life has been so badly affected. We are getting on in years and have already released equity from our house. I'm scared of the future for her and for us.

humpty I do understand , one’s mind goes around and around , little wonder exhaustion sets in.

You said it helps to think of your daughter as a disabled person, she is my love, her mind not her body has the disability.

Where I live there is a carers support group , is there such a thing in your area ? Mental illness causes isolation for the sufferer and also for the carer. And when it’s your child it can be torture . We want to make everything better for our child as we did when they were small don’t we?

Exactly, Annie, and unfortunately when I can no longer work I'm worried that I shall have to do that; I don't let myself think too much about the long-term future.

To downsize when one has a child with mental health problems can so easily be taken as shutting the door on that child

trisher, thank you, I know that's true and sometimes point that out to DD when she says she feels like a failure; but sadly it's not that simple, she has a lot of problems, and one manifestation of this is that she has been unable to live independently without having a breakdown.

humptydumpty I'm sure many of us have children who return home without having MH problems. It seems to be the accepted thing now. When anything happens go back to your parents. The only way to avoid it seems to be to downsize (and even then some do it) . That said it must be so much harder with a DD who is ill. I hope she is getting the best treatment and is on her way to some level of recovery.

I am so very sorry to hear how you all are feeling. My DD has MH problems and I can so relate to the feelings you have expressed; just recently she had to return home and I felt that this is what my life is going to be like now, so far from the picture I had of a future with an empty nest and the opportunity to lead my own life. Which is so selfish, because she loves me and it would really hurt her to know I feel like this. And of course it is much worse for her, her life is passing while she struggles. Personally I find it more difficult because it's an invisible illness, and it helps if I think of her as a disabled person (which she is, of course)

Very best wishes to you all, and my hopes for a happier future for you.

It is so good to have a forum like this, it's just a pity we can't all meet up.

I just wanted to expand a bit. I had a sort of "enforced" avoidance situation here, my daughter was taken into a unit and has been there for a number of years. It is getting better, through the wonderful care she has been given. She has just telephoned me to ask how my "lurgy" is - that is such a little thing to most people, but it is a big thing for me, at one time it would never have happened. I feel I have the girl I used to have and love. Not to say it will keep that way, but instances are fewer and far between. She will eventually be discharged into a supported accommodation when they think the time is right.

Maddy you are a lovely mum you are on here expressing how you feel but you are tired, weary and there seems no end to it all. This sort of thing has an effect on all the family and you are trying to keep things going for everyone. You have your good days where things seem better, and then "bang" something happens again. Notoveryet makes a good point, you seem to lose yourself in all of this. But, honestly, there is hope, and some light at the end of the tunnel. Unfortunately, this doesn't happen quickly.

I am sending you (((hugs))) and love

I sympathise with all of you with relatives with mental health issues. It can and does sometimes totally disrupt family life. I grew up with a dad who was what is now termed Bi-polar- he was termed manic depressive. Sometimes life with him was very difficult but he was also a great dad and grandad because he had such great enthusiasm for things ( I know it was probably sometimes the beginning of a manic phase). He played sports and games with great enthusiasm,. I do think sometimes we need to relise that this is an illness and like any illness it has to be treated when the sufferer is really ill but ignored when they have better periods. After my dad had been hospitalised for a short period because of a really bad session my mum was worried about him coming home. (This was 50+yers ago). She talked to the psychiatrist and said she didn't know how to behave around my dad. The psychiatrist said "If he upsets you you tell him, if he behaves badly you say so. He is ill but it's not an excuse for behaving badly." We did find when we pointed out that my dad was doing things we found unacceptable he would ignore us at first but would, if he was well, respond by changing. When he was ill it was a bit different and watching and learning when his medication needed to be changed, or something was wrong with him was something we had to learn. It is a learning curve and getting the right treatment can be difficult, but realising it is an illness and getting the person involved to acknowledge they are ill is a great start.

It's getting more difficult to get the right care for the various MH issues as lack of training in lots of areas of the illness exists in many counties. Psychiatrists and properly trained staff are becoming thin on the ground trying to deal with an influx of child MH illness as well as adult problems.

Midwives who are specially trained in spotting MH during and after pregnancy are vital but are few and far between.
It's most important for both the GP and the midwife to look out for signs of depression as soon as a woman becomes pregnant and catch the symptoms from an early stage to prevent prolonged illness such as post partum psychosis which occurs through " non-treatment " of depression over a period of time.
Post-partum psychosis is not curable but is/can be manageable with the correct medication. It's a scary illness which, if left untreated, can be disastrous in many ways.

Maddy, my granddaughter has been diagnosed with bi-polar, personality disorder and autism. In a way the diagnosis helps in terms of accepting she is not in control of what is happening to her. To be


honest I think my heart is broken as she also has a physical condition to deal with. I'd love a break
from the constant worry and fear, but she is always on my mind. It's almost worse when you see any improvement and then have your hopes dashed. I am so sorry for all you are going through and also a little surprised that so many of us are quietly struggling on day to day. My thoughts with everyone who has this to cope with.

*Maddy”, avoidence will give you some rest, there were times in the years of my daughters illness I think I would have welcomed a spell of avoidance but there was no one to watch over her and I couldn’t cast her adrift. It’s helpful you can share with your husband , give you some rest .
Hugs x