Mental health

Annie that's so poignant

Yes Annie, you keep wishing and looking for what once was, even when realistically you know that even what once was wasn’t what you thought it was.

Jane, it does take over your life at times, and for me those are the worst times. As a parent going through it, yes, it lasts for years, and eventually you do realise it will probably never go away, you’ll never be free of it. As a friend supporting your friend, the best thing I think you can do is simply be there, in person or at the end of a phone. The support I have received from my friends, and from friends on Gransnet, has helped me so very much. All you need to do is listen, neither you nor your friend can make it better. There are bad times and better times, few times are good in my experience. But the listening, the love, the concern from friends and other family members helps. Of course people deal with it in different ways, my husband has his hobbies, his gardening and so on, and he gets on with those as and when he can. He is happy then, he can forget for a while. I find comfort in seeking out my dear friends, one in particular who spent a whole afternoon with me crying on the phone due to what our dear child had done. Meanwhile DH was up at her home trying to sort it out. That day I couldn’t face going to help, I was beyond helping another, even my own child, I needed my friend and my mother who listened, loved, cared.
Jane, you are right to do normal things, a walk, a shopping trip, a lunch out etc with your friend, but when she wants to talk, let her. Just be there for her is the best advice I can offer. It sounds to me as though you are doing a brilliant job of supporting her anyway. But remember, you can’t solve the problem and make it better. My DH would like to that, it’s a man thing apparently, but even he knows now that he simply can’t do that. But he’s optimistic, and always looks for improvement, even when there’s not much to see.
I hope that’s helped you Jane.

Jane. I think it’s similar to being the mother of a child who has been abducted, the mother keeps searching for their lost child

I've been a professional in the field! In this case I'm not optimistic unfortunately. Instinctively I'd like to help to steer the mum away from constant rumination on her DD. It's become her life. I understand that. I'd love to be able to give her other, nicer things to think about and do. Maybe that's too obvious though, maybe that would annoy her. The poor, poor soul has been living a special sort of hell for years.

Jane10 this is a dilemma as unless you know the type of mental illness your friend's DD is going through then it's difficult for me personally to say or advise your best plan. I don't expect you to rattle off details or type of medication just perhaps a hint of behaviour.
You see, I had experience of this up until 2 years ago with my friend's daughter who was really sick and hospitalized caused by something which had been on-going for years since the birth of her daughter.

Act normally around your friend and speak as you normally would in conversation. Try not to make the illness the main focus. Difficult I know if you're not accustomed to such situations.

A friend has been coping for years with her DDs severe and enduring mental illness. She phoned yesterday and updated me on all that's been going on. I was appalled. Despite masses of support and input from NHS and other care organisations the awfulness continues. My friend is a valiant and devoted mother who has been fighting for her DD and suffering along with her. She said that she's shed many friends and social contacts over the years as there's been no time for them.
I've been feeling so sad and sort of crushed for her. My question for you mums in a similar situation is what would be the best thing for me to do? What's a good thing to say? What should I not say? I don't want to be clumsy. I'd love to help her in some way but I just don't know what to do. At least we're back in contact. I want to do some sort of social thing. Just a change for her. What do you think?

Humpty, you are correct, sadly mentally ill people do think only of themselves. We find this all the time with our beloved child. It is impossible for her to see things from anyone else’s point of view, resulting in the sad situation that any discussion goes around and around and around. It’s all so sad, but I get weary of it. The worst times are when I become too distressed and anxious to deal with it. At the moment, I’m just weary.

Just popping back to see how your daughter and baby are scarlet. Everything improving I hope.

Scarlet, I’m so sorry to hear of your difficult circumstances. I realise that it will be very distressing for you that your daughter has been readmitted to hospital. You don’t say what the problem is, but you do say how distressed your daughter is feeling. I do hope baby has been readmitted with her as it is best not to separate mother and infant at this early stage.
When I started this thread I was at my wits end with worry and distress about my DD who has suffered from mental health issues for a prolonged period. Sometimes the pain is so bad and the distress so great that it’s therapeutic to just write down a little of what is happening. The lovely ladies who responded on this thread not only helped me, it turned out that many of them are going through, or have been through, similar situations in their own families.
I hope you feel Scarlet that just writing this down has helped you a little. At this point your distress will be great, hopefully your daughter will regain her health and return home to her family soon. xx

My dd had a traumatic birth 3 days okay my beautiful gs is doing well she has had to go back into hospital today. I am so anxious and worried about her. She has been so distressed.

maddy I am so sorry for your problems and relate very much to what you have been saying. In my experience, people who are mentally ill tend to think about themselves obsessively while ill, it is very wearing as a carer but it's part of the illness.

A step forward maddy, this is good x

And just another thank you to you all for being so supportive, it helps, believe me.

I’ve contacted a few councellors to talk it through and develop strategies for dealing with this, and I’ve now got an appointment for an initial assessment to see if we both want to work together. It’s not for a couple of weeks though, but this isn’t going anywhere soon, so no problem to wait.
MIND is the next call ( had a busy time and put it off for a bit.)
To all of you who are also suffering, sending support and

if you are able to get some help maddy it would give you the opportunity to talk to someone who is impartial and not involved because sometimes it is hard talking to friends or family because they are also involved. Counselling may also perhaps help provide strategies to cope with what Must be a very stressful situation. Do give Mind a ring.

maddy, don’t give up x

I feel for you, wish there was something I could do. You are not alone.

Thanks again ladies, I really appreciate the support I’ve found on here. I also feel especially for those of you who are going through similar situations, it’s truly amazing how many people live with these types of difficulties. Having spent a good bit of time doing online research re support for parents of adult children with mental health issues, I’ve discovered that there is in fact, very little support available. There’s a lot of support out there for parents of young children with mental health issues though. I think I may give MIND a ring, they may be able to help, and I’ve made contact with two possible councillors/psychotherapists, although one has already emailed back to say she has no space available. I need to talk this through and develop the ability to withstand the onslaught when it arrives.
We are going through a more quiet time at the moment, only one nasty text in the last few weeks. I hope all of you out there who are suffering as well are having a quiet time too.
Thank you agnurse, your absolutely correct in saying I should say ‘ let’s not talk about this now.......’ but the problem is that this would in no way bring about the calm that it should bring about. In fact I have tried the ‘ I can see you’re upset, let’s talk about this when you feel calmer’ but unfortunately that is like showing a red rag to a bull. AC becomes even more abusive, it’s difficult to describe how a tiny thing , or a behaviour by us or someone else, can cause her such huge distress that she just screams and screams at us, often for long periods of time eg an hour of screaming abuse is not uncommon. Her father tries and tries to reason and be calm with her, but is no longer ever successful in this. We’ve tried every possible way to help, support, not upset her, but only her medical help will eventually help her, I hope anyway. So for me, it’s down the councilling route I think.
I hope you’re all having as good a day as you can. for you all.

Perhaps try a few sessions of counselling. If they do not suit you, give them up. You have nothing to lose by giving counselling a try.

I wish you well.

Hi Maddy. I’m in a very similar situation. It’s heartbreaking. I don’t want to put details online but if you’d like to pm me I’ll get back to you (if I can work the technology!). Support groups can be helpful and I’ve had counselling, which was good, but nothing takes away the pain. Big hugs to you.

Oh maddy I really do feel for you.

We all develop strategies to try and manage what is at it's worst a totally unmanageable situation. It's not fair and no-one should have to live with problems caused by mental illness, but we don't have magic wands to change things so we have to learn ways of dealing with the way things are. Is there a carers support group anywhere near you that you could attend? It really does help just to hear that others understand the difficulties you're experiencing - and in a group there may also be a people who can share tips that help you to cope.

Yet again, I thank all you kind ladies for your caring support. I did actually receive an apology the other day, by text, and followed with justification as to why she felt that way. She is under treatment, and I know these things take a long time, so I'm not expecting miracles, but every outburst of abuse wears me down, especially as we try to not provoke her in any way at all. Her father is wonderful with her, never loses his cool, points out the reasonable and kind way of looking at things, rather than the unbalanced way of interpretation. But I unfortunately am not as strong emotionally as he is, and the abuse wears me down. It's taken a long time for me to recognise it as abuse, I thought of it as, well just the way she is. I found myself envying my friends with perfectly normal mother and daughter relationships. But it's not just me, our entire family suffer from this situation, but she thinks we're all out of step, remember the saying 'All the world's out of step except me' .
Bluebell, I ask myself that question sometimes. I do think they suffer because of the outbursts. Luckily she relies on us to do a fair bit of childcare, so we had them this weekend, and we've got them again for a couple of hours later today. I feel they need us as we are a stable force in their lives so am reluctant to be anything other than consilotry whatever she throws at us. DH and I are going away for a week shortly, just the two of us, it will be good for us.

I just want to add my thoughts Maddy it’s such a fine line you are walking at the moment
About your daughter blaming you for everything please remember that it’s the person they love the most they will abuse because you are the one they can trust and feel safest to abuse they know you will always be there
Please look for support and help for yourself you will be guided the best way to handle certain situations
Are the grandchildren safe ?
?

I would definitely suggest getting some counselling for yourself.

It's not easy to deal with a mentally ill person. It's also not at all wrong to say that you need some time for yourself. If you were caring for someone with a physical illness you would be encouraged to seek out respite. It's not unreasonable at all to say to your AC, "I'm sorry but I can't listen to you about this today. Let's talk about something else." That's called setting boundaries. It's not abandonment. It's healthy.