DIL / MIL relationship

Your daughter is not a sticking plaster for your MIL feelings or your desire for a better relationship. Please don’t “ use” your baby. That sounds nasty but I don’t mean it to be. Just that this is your ( both of you) baby for you to love and care for in the way that suits you as a family.

If you would like a baby sitter sometimes then by all means give your MIL that pleasure. But if you are enjoying time with your baby then don’t think you have to have anybody babysitting or have to hand the baby over for”fair shares” or whatever.

Oh and don’t give her a key. Ever.

Good post Eglantine21. No more to be said really ..........

It would be lovely to think she has had a real change of heart.
Some people who have posted here have actually taken in all the opinions, and realised how unreasonable they're being.
I hope so. It would be nice to have a close mother figure to enjoy spending time with.

I agree with Eglantine21.

The situation you describe suggests a rather controlling nature. But you and your DH seem agreed that MIL does not need a key. I tend to agree given the history. If you want to keep the relationship as positive as possible then ask her to babysit..just an hour or so e.g. for you and DH to go for a drink. See how it goes. You could leave your baby with her at her house.

Your Mil may have realised that the family dynamics have changed
You are now living as a family unit with a baby, in a home that belongs to both of you.
Whereas before you were 'in her eyes' living in her sons home.

Good idea Pecs Try a little babysitting at a time but definitely no key.

I have to be honest here - I would not leave my baby with this lady at her house. I am amazed that your house move was to somewhere just 5 minutes from where she lives! I absolutely understand that you are finding it hard to trust her - why would you, when she has gone against your wishes so many times?

You and your DH will need to set some clear boundaries; and stick to them. And definitely no key!!!

It may be that the close relationship that you had hoped for might not be possible - your priority has to be your own child.

Grandparents have to understand their role - and think back to when they started their families and whether they would have been happy with our behaviour.

I have keys to both my DDs but would never use them unless I am feeding cats, caring for DGC etc. Would never enter their homes without being asked to do so! #oversteppingthemark

The good thing is that a 5 minute drive equates to about a 30 minute walk from your place to hers. I'm amazed that you didn't make it further, but 30 minutes will put her off from dropping in anyway.

Just don't give her a key, and do let her babysit sometimes. She doesn't sound to be dangerous, just annoying. Keep your boundaries and don't let the situation slide back to where it was. Good luck !

I will echo the rest. Never, ever give her a key.
I would be inclined not to leave her babysitting until the child is older - and then not for more than a couple of hours to start with.

Good on you both for not giving her a key. I have keys to both my married children’s houses and they to mine. I’d never dream of letting myself in except in an emergency or if I’d been asked to.

As far as refusing to eat your food, that is just plain rude.

Keep this controlling woman at arms length. Be polite but don’t let her into your lives any more than is necessary.

She’s playing some kind of game now. Controlling people don’t change, they just change tactics.

I impressed on my 3 daughters that it was important to make friends with MIL and they did, it wasn't always plain sailing but they got there.
Don't give her a key obviously, as for baby sitting, give her specific instructions, written down if needed and if she tries to change the routine you just have to correct her. It's your baby either she babysits your way or you will ask someone else, it a power play and one that you must win.
As the children get older granny doing thing differently may become a real problem so with the backing of your husband get the politics right now.

Thank you for the advice. We are asking her to do short stints of babysitting whilst we are still in the house doing jobs. It wouldn't be appropriate for her to babysit on her own until our daughter has some independence with toileting etc as she struggles to pick DD off the floor and can't hold our little wriggle bum for more than a couple of minutes. I suppose time will tell if this is a genuine change of heart or not but I'll definitely take what's been said here on-board thank you

No key. A spare key is not a free pass to come and go out of someone’s house as you please. I don’t let myself into my parents’ home albeit it was also my home for many years, because its a question of respect.

If she physically struggles to lift DD, best for both their safety that they aren’t left on their own together until DD is a bit older.

I don't see how your mother-in-law can baby sit if she can't physically manage the child. It's an accident waiting to happen and a definite no no in my book.
It's a good idea having her to watch over the baby whilst you are busy in the house, I think you are doing the best you can, just be patient now.

As others have said, no key - ever! My MIL from my first marriage was manipulative and demanding. When one approach didn’t work for her, she changed tack. Fortunately my husband was well aware of this. I don’t wish to be overly pessimistic about your future relationship with her, but do be prepared for a different approach if this sudden onset of reasonableness doesn’t get her what she wants.

Something is making me feel uneasy here. I believe in being kind to old grans so I would try to have her round often and make her feel loved BUT I am not sure I'd feel comfortable having her in sole charge of the baby until the baby can speak and let you know what happens when they're alone together. I am not sure I could 100% trust this lady to not do something weird (not talking sexual, more munchausensish, or emotional stuff)

I think you are right to supervise. It is a bit of a coincidence that her access has been removed and suddenly she is offering to babysit, meaning she will be alone in the house. I hope she is not as bad going forward but I second what people have said about waiting until the child can talk. Even then, children can be asked to keep secrets from parents, which I disagree with. She could undermine you this way. Try not to take it to heart. She obviously has issues and the good news is your partner and both see it. Some cannot.

I would never walk into my DS/DILs home uninvited or with a key its just not done imo.
I will however ring DIL and let her know I am in that part of town and if she has time can I pop in and visit her and DGD.
My DIL has her own circle of young mummies she see's during the week for baby activities and I understand this all part of being a MIL.
The dymanics however are totally differant with my DD I can turn up anytime uninvited buts thats the differance between mums & daughters isn't it.

I experienced much the same as you. In the end, we changed the locks and didn't give her a key. She didn't like it, but at least that aspect of her behaviour stopped.

She would take our baby for a walk in the pram for an hour or so, and eventually for a day out shopping, to the park etc.

Unfortunately, she didn't change her attitude to me up until the last few weeks before her death. It was only then did she realise she had missed out on what could have been a good friendship and could have received help from me when she needed it most.

Sadly, many people are like that and just leave a trail of destruction and bad feeling behind. My DH and I have no fond memories of her, which is a shame.

You seem like you have been wonderfully tolerant of her. She is lucky you sound like a reasonable person. I suspect she is just a cross you will have to bear. Think you are dealing with her well. Take her at face value, but just be wary. Maybe she has started to realise what side her bread is buttered and she needs to behave better. You can but hope.

Wow ! Would love to have you as my DIL
She doesn't realise how lucky she is
Keep working at it with love xxxx

You sound like an amazing DiL, absolutely lovely. I echo everything all the others have said, no key ever, no babysitting without supervision because if she can’t hold baby for more than two minutes she clearly isn’t strong enough physically to care for baby, and no worrying about her not eating your food, the same food all your friends like. It’s obviously just a way to make an unkind point, don’t raise to it, ignore totally if she doesn’t eat your food, it’s her loss.
Just carry on doing what you’re doing, but sadly I think you will have to accept that you’ll never have a really worthwhile relationship with this lady, but at least you’ll always know that you did your best, and you did the right thing by her.