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What do you think

(60 Posts)
Coolgran65 Mon 20-Aug-18 20:43:24

Offspring and partner bought a house. They are now parting. We 'lent' them the deposit. We had to sign a document for the mortgage company confirming it was a gift.

When the house sale is finalised there will be some equity.
If the deposit is taken out of the equation they each have a few thousand each.

Legally they can keep the deposit because we signed the document.
We feel it was given/lent to them with good heart as a deposit for a home. The home will no longer exist.
It was hoped that it might some day be repaid but didn't have much hope and that would have been that. Now that the house is no more and they will each be renting a property or going back to live with parents, is it morally right that the deposit should be returned to us. And is it morally right that the partner of our offspring should be walking away with half the deposit plus the other few thousand£ equity.
Our offspring is quite happy to return the deposit but the partner says they need it to start a new life.

When the house was bought two years ago they had no cash, hence we did the deposit.
Two years later partner would have several thousand. But wants also half the deposit.

What is morally right. I would value your insights.
I know legally it's theirs. But under the circumstances what about morally.

janemar Mon 20-Aug-18 21:32:24

Morally you should get it back so must assume the partner has no morals. I know it is early days but do try to let it go or you will be so full of bitterness it will make you very unhappy and your daughter will feel guilty as it was her partner.

lemongrove Mon 20-Aug-18 21:36:03

Yes, you are right in my view OP,( morally )you gave the deposit so they could buy that actual house.After it is sold it would be the decent thing to return the full amount to you.

Menopaws Mon 20-Aug-18 21:43:28

Absolutely you should get your money back, it was given/lent very kindly for a house and if that house no longer exists it should rightly come back to you

petra Mon 20-Aug-18 21:59:43

Have sent you a PM.

Bathsheba Mon 20-Aug-18 22:11:13

I agree with everyone else. Morally that money should be returned to you. I imagine it was understood at the time that the money was, however loosely, a loan and that you signed a document to the effect that it was a gift only because this was a requirement of the mortgage company.
Had the couple stayed together and therefore were still occupying the house, then I'm sure you would happily let it go and perhaps they would repay the loan at some future, maybe distant, date, or maybe not at all. However, they now have no need of the house, and therefore no need of the deposit money. It should unquestionably be returned to you in full, and I am astonished that the partner thinks otherwise. What an absolute cheek hmm

janeainsworth Mon 20-Aug-18 22:11:50

coolgran morally the money is yours, but if you can afford financially to let it go, then let it go. There’s a saying that you should only lend money that you can afford to lose.
Perhaps take some consolation from the fact that in taking this stance, the partner is showing their true colours, and it’s better that your offspring has found this out at a relatively early stage, rather than wasting half a lifetime on them.

Melanieeastanglia Mon 20-Aug-18 22:17:59

You are right. Much depends on how much you lent. If it was a large amount (and I imagine it was knowing the price of even quite small properties), you should quite definitely pursue the matter. If it wasn't too much, I might take a different view.

It depends also, I guess, on your own financial position.

I hope you get your money, or at least some of it, back.

Coolgran65 Mon 20-Aug-18 22:19:14

Thank you for your supportive comments. I was starting to doubt myself. My dh says to forget it that ‘no good ever came of bad money. ‘. And that Karma will out.
We are talking a substantial 5 figure sum that was a 10% deposit.

I guess I feel we’re being taken advantage of (albeit legally) by someone we cared for and was part of our family for over a decade.
And indeed we had lent

I just feel so sad and let down that this person can do this to us seemingly without conscience.

Coolgran65 Mon 20-Aug-18 22:27:35

We are fortunate that we will not be on our uppers to write it off. And yes it is only because the need for the house has gone that the return of the deposit comes into question.

However I do feel the need to Speak of my disappointment to the partner. Our paths cross about once a week. My dh will tell me to leave it.

janeainsworth Mon 20-Aug-18 22:37:43

I think you have every right to express your disappointment to the partner, Coolgran, but whether it’s wise to do so is another question.
If I were you I’d only say something if I could be quite sure I wasn’t going to speak in anger.
As soon as you express anger as opposed to disappointment you invite retaliation and defensiveness, rather than remorse and regret.

Melanieeastanglia Mon 20-Aug-18 22:37:48

I've had a thought. Would the partner be willing perhaps to return part of the money? That would be something.

Coolgran65 Tue 21-Aug-18 01:28:16

Melanie - I know that dh will say to let it go.

Coolgran65 Tue 21-Aug-18 01:29:13

Jane - I can do it without anger ok.

BlueBelle Tue 21-Aug-18 02:46:24

I agree with everyone else morally yes of course they should have returned it to you and yes I d definitely let them know your disappointment and THEN let it go

Coolgran65 Tue 21-Aug-18 07:11:31

Having written it all down last night and slept on it I think my issue is that I need to have my say to the partner.

Next opportunity i will calmly say how disappointed i am that they felt it is morally ok to keep their share of the deposit.

And will then leave it.

Thank you for your advices. You've been very helpful.

FlexibleFriend Tue 21-Aug-18 07:17:48

Morally you should get your money back. So what if they need to start a new life, it happens and they should have planned better, they are supposedly an adult and responsible for their own life. You're no relation so why should you finance their future when you thought you were helping to fund their joint future. If there is no joint future the funds should be returned, no question. Your offspring is obviously well shot of them, better now than later.

FlexibleFriend Tue 21-Aug-18 07:22:28

did you have to state it was a gift to them both, couldn't you have said it was a gift to your offspring and she/he was paying say 90% of the deposit, that way he/she could have kept in their hands. Sorry easy to be wise after the event I know x

J52 Tue 21-Aug-18 08:01:06

I agree morally your off spring should have the money that they put in and return it to you. It was a gift, but from experience I know that Banks insist that it has to be when helping DCs with deposits.

Not much help, sorry, but when we did this our DC and partner had a Deed of Trust drawn up. It is a legal document stating that should they split up the DC gets all of the money gifted by us back and they then split any profits from the sale.
Worth considering by anyone gifting deposits.
I do hope you and your off spring get all of the money back.

Caledonai14 Tue 21-Aug-18 08:04:17

I think you are entitled to have the deposit returned, but I wondered if you could suggest that - while you appreciate a split is difficult financially for all concerned - you were hoping they (the ex partner) would return the money once they have everything sorted out? That takes the pressure off without letting them off the hook. It might take some time to get the deposit money back, but it means you are being more than generous and not (unintentionally) causing any extra ripples for your offspring or the once-treasured partner. The partner knows fine he/she is in the wrong, but maybe needs a bit of distance from the split to do the right thing.

loopyloo Tue 21-Aug-18 08:08:48

Was it a gift or a loan? You signed that it was a gift. I am afraid you have to let this go.

FarNorth Tue 21-Aug-18 08:09:13

Am I the only one to agree with your DH?
Seems to me it was a gift, and that's that.

FarNorth Tue 21-Aug-18 08:10:16

x-post, loopy.

Niobe Tue 21-Aug-18 08:13:32

We gave our son a large gift to use as a deposit and the letter to the mortgage company described it as a gift to him not to them both. The sample letter we had been sent named them both but I retyped it naming him only and that was accepted.

Dolcelatte Tue 21-Aug-18 08:19:12

Was it a gift to your child or to both? If the former, then your child should be repaid the entirety of the deposit before any other monies are divided.