What do you think

If you can afford to "let it go" then fine, BUT do you have other children who might one day need the same support, think about it.

Morally they should repay you the deposit plus a pro rata share of any increase in value since they bought the house, but unfortunately you can do nothing. The hardest thing will be to let it go, on top of the sadness of the break up of the relationship. Perhaps the partner thinks they are owed the money as compensation for a wasted 10 years!

However, although you are morally right, the only way to get over it and not let it eat away at you and make you bitter and ill, is to put it down to being a mistake to learn from. If you can bring youself to politely tell the partner how you feel, good for you. PS Your husband sounds loke a saint!

If the split is acrimonious then it is possible the partner is using this as a way of hurting your child by making them feel guilty that you will not be repaid the money. If you are on speaking terms with the partner you could try explaining your point of view and hope for the best.

We did the same but my son had a document drawn up saying that his partner had no right to the money if they split. In fact they are now married and selling and moving on.

There is some confusion over the money in the first place being a 'loan' or a 'gift' - morally it seems clear the money should be repaid but people read different things into situations. I know you appreciate OP that in law there wouldn't be any justification to get the money back because a document was signed to state it was a gift.

They've had to sell the house but does the equity enable them each to buy another house - or afford to rent somewhere or is might there be some truth in the fact that the ex partner may need it to find somewhere to live?

A decision can be made right now to change how you feel about this and sometimes - like with my divorce that cost £16,000 in 2008 because he was such a horrible person - the cost is worth it to get rid of them!

CG I like your style in that you feel able to mention/discuss this loan with the offender with confidence of calm and no heat. Under those circumstances, I feel you should go with your instincts. I envy the control you seem to have. I felt unable to discuss this with my offender as I was under the control of such unbelievable disappointment and hurt that I wouldn't have managed as well as you. Good luck.

Next time give it to your daughter or son as the case may be, then they can recover it without any doubts - as long as there is cash available.

Not much you can do now, write it down to experience and let it go as DH suggests.

Morally you should get it back.
But legally, you did sign the contract to say it was a gift not a loan.

I agree with your hsuabnd, Karma is a wonderful thing.

I am in a similar situation. Dd & husband have split & a considerable amount of my money was lent for their deposit. However, although it caused a huge family row I insisted that they both signed a legal document saying that the money should be returned to me when the house was sold. My dd is hugely grateful that I did, as her ex cannot benefit from what is essentially my pension. Moral: Insist on legal agreement, signed & witnessed. Verbal agreements are not worth the paper they're not written on!!

We did the same with my DS first house. His partner kept everything, but we walked away from the money as there were GC and we felt it the home was for them. It was a substantial loss for us. What we did not know at the time was that she had found someone new. Not just her and the children, but a complete stranger benefited. Lesson learned, we helped him buy a new property and took a second charge over it rather than declare it as a gift.

Was it a gift to your child or to both? If the former, then your child should be repaid the entirety of the deposit before any other monies are divided.

We gave our son a large gift to use as a deposit and the letter to the mortgage company described it as a gift to him not to them both. The sample letter we had been sent named them both but I retyped it naming him only and that was accepted.

x-post, loopy.

Am I the only one to agree with your DH?
Seems to me it was a gift, and that's that.

Was it a gift or a loan? You signed that it was a gift. I am afraid you have to let this go.

I think you are entitled to have the deposit returned, but I wondered if you could suggest that - while you appreciate a split is difficult financially for all concerned - you were hoping they (the ex partner) would return the money once they have everything sorted out? That takes the pressure off without letting them off the hook. It might take some time to get the deposit money back, but it means you are being more than generous and not (unintentionally) causing any extra ripples for your offspring or the once-treasured partner. The partner knows fine he/she is in the wrong, but maybe needs a bit of distance from the split to do the right thing.

I agree morally your off spring should have the money that they put in and return it to you. It was a gift, but from experience I know that Banks insist that it has to be when helping DCs with deposits.

Not much help, sorry, but when we did this our DC and partner had a Deed of Trust drawn up. It is a legal document stating that should they split up the DC gets all of the money gifted by us back and they then split any profits from the sale.
Worth considering by anyone gifting deposits.
I do hope you and your off spring get all of the money back.

did you have to state it was a gift to them both, couldn't you have said it was a gift to your offspring and she/he was paying say 90% of the deposit, that way he/she could have kept in their hands. Sorry easy to be wise after the event I know x

Morally you should get your money back. So what if they need to start a new life, it happens and they should have planned better, they are supposedly an adult and responsible for their own life. You're no relation so why should you finance their future when you thought you were helping to fund their joint future. If there is no joint future the funds should be returned, no question. Your offspring is obviously well shot of them, better now than later.

Having written it all down last night and slept on it I think my issue is that I need to have my say to the partner.

Next opportunity i will calmly say how disappointed i am that they felt it is morally ok to keep their share of the deposit.

And will then leave it.

Thank you for your advices. You've been very helpful.

I agree with everyone else morally yes of course they should have returned it to you and yes I d definitely let them know your disappointment and THEN let it go

Jane - I can do it without anger ok.

Melanie - I know that dh will say to let it go.

I've had a thought. Would the partner be willing perhaps to return part of the money? That would be something.

I think you have every right to express your disappointment to the partner, Coolgran, but whether it’s wise to do so is another question.
If I were you I’d only say something if I could be quite sure I wasn’t going to speak in anger.
As soon as you express anger as opposed to disappointment you invite retaliation and defensiveness, rather than remorse and regret.