Birthday blues

Solitaire I still love my birthday even though I am a 50 something? there are two days of the year when I get spoiled my birthday and Mothering Sunday. You are never too old to have a fuss made of you in my opinion ????

Two wrongs don’t make a right .... make a fuss of him card present cake , and keep smiling .... ( he may get the message ) but don’t bank on it ! Men just aren’t like that , remember who does all the cards at Xmas ,and birthdays , left to a man they wouldn’t get done .... no way ... that unfortunately is what it’s like ..... men just aren’t “ built that way !!!

Gransnet should do equivalent of Facebook reminder of people’s birthdays. And we could all give each other a celebratory wish! I quite like the greetings on Facebook, despite loathing the site!

I agree with Gabriella MOnica and others who don't care about birthdays.
Birthdays are for children to enjoy not us oldies.
As for buying your own gifts ...really! ?
I buy for friends and family any time of the year if I see something I think they'd enjoy.

Dot

My late husband was hopeless with birthdays - when we were courting he asked when my birthday was and I said it was the last day in August. On the 30th he brought me breakfast in bed and a card and present. Lovely, except it was the wrong day. I told him and he insisted he was right, fetched his diary and pointed to the last entry on the page. I flipped the page over and showed him the space for the 31st. Who knew August had 31 days I have also had the same card in successive years (he knew I kept all the cards he did give me), presents of chocolates ( which I don't like at all) and all manner of odd presents besides. It was just part of him. I used to prepare a special meal for us on my birthday, complete with a nice bottle of wine! I knew he cared about me in the other things he did for me and our children. The oddest card he got me had 'Because you have been like a Mother to me' on the inside page - he picked it because he liked the flower on the front, never bothering to look inside at the message. If your OH shows he cares about you in other ways is it such an issue about your birthday really?

My husband (of 50 years) has never done birthdays - my birthday particularly. Except for my birthday just after we first met, when I got a card and lovely watch, I’ve never had a birthday card or present. The same for anniversaries and Christmas. He doesn’t like his own birthday recognised either and most of our five children now take him at his word and don’t get him anything.

I can’t pretend that I like it or that it doesn’t bother me but I have got used to it and expect nothing else now.

I’m a second wife and most unfortunately my birthday is on the same date as that of his first wife’s death. However I don’t think he would behave any differently if it wasn’t.

I admit to being hugely resentful when he charged me with buying his sister ‘something nice’ for her 70th a few years ago. She was so embarrassed and hurt for me that I think it spoilt the giving of the gift.

His frequent mantra is that birthdays are for children.

DH forgot my birthday this year - even asked why I had put my cards on display so early (two days after the day!). He was very apologetic which I accepted but I was very careful not to say that it didn’t matter- it very much did. I was so hurt, especially as he remembers all the b*** dogs’ birthdays! I will remember and acknowledge his but the urge to do something special has gone - forever.

DH and I don't exchange birthday presents but we always give each other cards - birthday, anniversary, Valentines and Christmas. Usually 2 cards and 3 at Christmas. Not sure how we got into the multiple cards but one is usually a funny one. It's a 2nd marriage for both of us and maybe that makes the difference. 27 years this year. Having been married previously to a very manipulative man who withheld attention and affection I really appreciate our little bit of fun with the cards. We've both kept all the cards and when I pop my clogs, mine are all coming in the coffin with me.

We don’t buy each other presents for birthday or Christmas or buy each other cards. What’s the point of giving each other a card when we can say happy birthday to each other. I only buy cards for people who live too far away for me to see them. As for presents if he or I need or want anything we can have it. Makes life much easier, no arguments and lots and lots of love. The best present is being taking care of, as they say the best things in life are free.

Legs55 - when my lovely aunt reached her 80s she really had everything she needed. I always got her Thornton's Special Toffee which she loved. Her daughter, my cousin, gave her a Lilliput Lane cottage which she loved.
With some relief my cousin explained that there was a whole range and she would get her one each year. Auntie was appalled 'No thank you, please don't, you've given me one. I like it but I don't need any more!'
She lived to 104 so would have had quite a collection!

My DH rarely buys me a present, usually buys a card or finds one for me in my store. The first thing he whispers in my ear first thing every morning is how very much he loves me and I will take that with great joy because I so nearly lost him to a serious road crash at the beginning of last year.
My DC never forget to send a card which I appreciate and every now and then I am given a big present which shows great thought.
I have never had a birthday party, ever, and so when I was thinking, somewhat wistfully how nice it would be to have a party for my milestone birthday this year I know it will not happen so I just have to keep reminding myself of the above.

I don't see the point of being hurt. I might be surprised to be forgotten by family members, but I wouldn't feel hurt. It is the love and caring that is shown on a regular basis that means something to me.

MawBroon

I did write that 'everyone has their own expectations'. I was airing my view just as the majority were airing their views about their OH forgetting or buying unsuitable gifts.
If you've been married for a fair number of years and your OH has always been neglect/forgetful, one can only expect more of the same.
Personally, I wouldn't think my partner valued me less if he forgot or never recognised an occasion. Why do women miss the fuss and gifts? Men don't. Are we more aquisitive and some, more sensitive than men?
As for sympathy, for people I don't know...very little, I don't carry other's sorrow on my shoulders. I give help where and when possible but not the sort to wring my hands and say' how terrible'. What good does offering verbal sympathy do? Nothing.
Make of it what you will. You are you and I am me. Both entitled to our views.

Not getting a card/present/sincere birthday/Christmas wish in itself is not the issue surely - isn't the issue, the change in behaviour? If you choose a relationship with someone who does acknowledge such occasions then the big question is, why has he stopped doing that? If your OH has never done it, then there's no problem - no change in the relationship. Reasons for changing and ignoring birthdays are either that he is genuinely becoming forgetful, in which case see a doctor, or he has become mean and complacent - like my OH - in which case you need to tell him in no uncertain terms how you feel and if there's no change, alter your own behaviour towards him - that's not childish, it's merely retaining your own self-respect.

We got married on my 40th birthday(my husband never forgot) however after our first anniversary I only got 1 card each year, one year it would be a birthday card, inside he would also wish me a Happy Anniversary then visa versa the following year. On my 50th birthday I received 2 cards which I cherish as they were the last I received, he died before our next anniversary/birthday.

When I was young and living at home, my dad always used to give me some money to buy a birthday present for my mum. I usually used to buy her a little bottle of ' Californian Poppy' perfume that used to be attached to a card. It cost half a crown if I remember rightly. I knew and must have been told that this scent reminded her of when she was courting my dad. But, and a big but, on mum's birthday, three days after Christmas, Dad would always forget to give her his gift for her. she used to 'fume' all day waiting for him to give it to her. In the end one of us used to remind him to get it out of the wardrobe. Even when I married and left home I always had to tell him before hand so he didn't get into trouble, right up until his dying day. Dad would have given his life for my mum and us five children, but to my mum it did matter to have a card and a gift. I on the other hand, although divorced with three adult children, It wouldn't bother me at all.In fact every year I tell them not to get me anything. They do and they spoil me.

So he remembered your birthday and thought to pack a card for you?

I would give him a card as usual and plan a dinner in or out, with wine and flowers, etc and tell him it is a joint present for both your birthdays. In my book it is how he treats you every day that really counts.

Haven't had a single card in 44 years ,not bothered at all.I like buying cards and presents for OH and the rest of the family but its not his thing.I knew that when I married him and I wouldn't change him for the world.

If I really want something I'm more than capable of buying it myself.

Birthdays are a big deal in our house and always will be. Some comments on here are really nasty. The OP hasn’t come on here to be verbally attacked she feels let down and probably likes a fuss to be made of her. Not a huge one but a fuss. If Birthdays in your house aren’t a big deal don’t be mean to others who want a bit of fuss. Women can be so bitchy. If you can’t sympathise or empathise, shut up

For every husband/partner who doesn't or forgets to do something, there exists a mother who didn't teach or encourage their son to be respectful and thoughtful and learn how to do things, like wrap up a parcel, them self!

When the woman of the house does so much for her family, one day a year to say thank you sounds not unreasonable.

This sounds like my husband.
He has always been the same, never remembers birthdays or anniversaries for anyone but strangely always remembers his own. Now that I am retired and have a lot less cash I now 'forget' his. He's taken to reminding me that his birthday is coming up, I say if you want it remembered organize something yourself - he never does.
Over the years it's been very hurtful.

DH was very good at remembering my Birthday but would have to check date & month with me as he got confused between that date & our Anniversary (which were a month apart, we only celebrated 1st Anniversary)

DH worked where he didn't have access to shops so we would have to go shopping together, he would ask me what I would like , luckily for him I collected Lilliput Lane cottages so we would have a look in any shop selling them, I would tell him which ones I already had & then give him a few suggestions of the ones I liked but he made his own decision & often bought one I hadn't pointed out.

I look forward to getting cards from friends & family but gifts are less important

He doesn't sound "kind." I'm sorry you have such an inconsiderate husband but how has been allowed to develop over sp many years?