Grandchildren’s presents.

You know the answer let them open the presents when they come to see you and then take them back home to Dads. Some women behave terribly after a relationship has failed and when that affects children it’s despicable. When the children grow up they will realise how good you and there Dad have been over the years.

I am in the camp of 'small present' or maybe a Christmas Stocking with bits and bobs which they could play with when with grandparents/ non residential parent and start, or add to savings account. Although for my DGDs birthdays we have bought tickets for shows they want to see! That way it is an experience for them to enjoy and not a thing!

Jobey68. Agree and how sad the parents can't get a life and put the children first.

My DS keeps his DS toys/clothes bought by our family at his house. However, if DGS wants to take them back to his main home that is not a problem but they come back with him next time he comes. It also works the other way round that toys/clothes come from his main home and go back. Never been a problem at all.

nicenanny3 mediation is an option for the future. He is just taking it slowly for now.

Hm99 it hasn’t been through the courts to expensive for him he can’t afford it.

When my daughters were young all presents were brought back home(always wanted to show me what they'd got) however they would often take a few things back as they spent every other weekend (Friday -Monday at their dad's) clothes they used to take with them. Similarly my stepdaughters used to take any presents home to show mum but would bring stuff back to leave with us so they had some of their own toys at our house. Clothes/shoes were a different and had clothes that we bought that stayed with us.

When my Grandchildren were younger, well early teens I suppose, at Birthdays when they had presents given they took them to the parent who they were staying with that week,they had double of everything in clothes, saving them packing them every weekend at the handover, sounds expensive but it worked well.
I just wish they all lived together and didnt have to do the handover every week, I find it quite upsetting although I suppose it is normal for them now.

I would tell her that you won't be buying expensive presents anymore because you've seen her selling other things you've bought on facebook, especially as you are not allowed to visit and enjoy seeing the children using/playing with them. I agree, personalise the ones you do buy so they are harder to sell. Write a message in books/on jigsaws etc. to say they are from you etc. or open an account for the children, which they do not know about, and give it them when they are older.

I agree Citizens Advice way to go. Gingerbread might be helpful but CAB very good. I would not settle for this if I wanted more. But your sons decision really.

Bopeep has he tried going to Mediation, not as expensive as going to court? My son went this route and got 2 overnights a week, although still having problems, she won't let him take his son on holiday, the threat of court if mediation didn't work got him the overnights because he said if I take it to court I'm going for 50/50 access.

I too am surprised by 6hr/wk access for a parent. Hard to parent on 6hrs. Did courts grant her full custody? Can CitizensAdvice offer him any help other than going through the courts?

Nicenanny3 yes he is on the birth certificate, they have been separated 2 years but she has only just in last few months allowed him to have access to them, he has been devastated and got very down because of it, he is so happy that he actually gets to see them that he doesn’t want to push her in case she changes her mind, he has a bedroom all set up for them when they eventually can stay. He can’t afford to go through the courts unfortunately. Like you I despair of it all too. ?

Bopeep I feel for you, sorry you are going through all this, I am going through something similar. Also 6 hours and no overnight stays doesn't seem nearly enough access. Is your sons name on the birth certificate if not he needs to apply for parental responsibility and then he will have more rights and can apply to court for more access. As for the expensive present, I usually give my grandson money but this year am just buying him some clothes. Don't we live in complicated times sometime I despair with it all.

As a teacher I spent literally ages trying to get divorced parents to check their children's schoolbags, as I was frequently told that books, homework, essays etc had been left at whichever parent's house the child had just left.

There is no generally agreed etiquette here, only a minefield.

I agree with the poster who said that once you give a present, it is up to the recipient to decide what to do with it. If the children's mother is selling toys you spent good money buying, I understand why you might want the toys left at your place, but please, do try discussing with the children's parents whether they feel the children have too many toys that are never played with.

Otherwise stick to small presents and the savings account idea, or stipulate that a present is to remain in your house before you hand it over.

Mcem I had the same problem years ago with my 2 oldest grandsons, we (my son and I) always bought the "big" toys for their birthdays Xmas, but inevitably they would disappear within a couple of weeks, she was selling them. In the case of clothes I literally used to strip them, they always came in rags, and shower them when they came to us on Friday night and they wore clothes, shoes jackets etc we had bought them and kept at our house. I always bought their winter jackets shoes etc plus clothes for birthdays & Xmas but she never put them on the days they were coming to us.

Bopeep - If you have time there are lovely barely used clothes in some charity shops.
Do the clothes the children go to their father in then end up at their mother's? Every time? I know how annoying it is when a nice tee shirt disappears into the ether!
Maybe as they get older they can bring a top and trousers each in their school backpack to wear on Saturday. Or perhaps their father can ask the children to do a quick change at their mother's on drop off and give him 'your' clothes to take and wash.

I think I would just buy them a small gift each birthday and Christmas, but open a savings account for the child and put in the extra money you may have spent on a larger gift into the account. When the child is 18 there will be a little next egg from this that will probably be far more useful then than large expensive gifts now. They probably already have/get lots of presents already so they won't be missing out. If necessary tell DiL what you have decided to do....gifts are the choice of the giver whatever the expectations of the recipient.

GabriellaG life is not easy sometimes we all have things going on just because a dad can’t wash children’s clothes properly doesn’t make him a bad dad, yes selling children’s nearly new toys on Facebook is a bit petty but maybe the children don’t play with them. I certainly don’t buy expensive toys at the request of DIL, and it all depends on you perception of expensive. It really not funny at all.

GabriellaG it can be complicated when families split. Sounds funny but it actually isn't. I know my own child could well do without all the hassle caused ( and was the IP)

With my lovely grandchildren I give £10 every birthday and a gift at Christmas. The £10 is then put with other money and a bigger pressant bought, chosen by mum as they are young. Christmas, I have always insisted I see the family open our pressants. Take photos etc.....So we have a day just before Christmas that we swap and open our gifts. Our house or theirs. Makes it special.

Haha...the games people play. Does no-one have a life any more? Dad can't wash clothes properly, mum sells her almost new children's toys on fb, GN buys 'expensive toys' as requested by DiL?

Perhaps you could arrange a treat instead of a present? Tickets to somewhere special. Or an event?
It is possible to open a savings account on behalf of a child and keep control of it until they are 18.

Well I'm not sure it would stay in their accounts. Maybe something they cant access until they're older. I certainly wouldn't buy expensive presents unless its something they will keep. My GC get bought expensive presents regularly by other Grandparents. They arent appreciated any more than my more moderate ones.

Good idea Chewbacca then the children can just have some small inexpensive gifts.