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Grandchildren’s presents.

(41 Posts)
Bopeep14 Fri 24-Aug-18 11:50:52

What’s the etiquette for split families presents, do they go to the children’s main home or stay with the other parent who’s family bought them? New to all this.😢

SSDGM Fri 24-Aug-18 12:55:43

I think you’re going to get varied answers but I would keep most of the presents at the home of those who bought them (assuming the other home has toys for them to play with there) and let the child take one toy with them and making sure the my return with that toy.

BlueBelle Fri 24-Aug-18 13:04:39

And I wouldn’t....I d give them their presents and they could choose what to do with them, not many children would want to leave a present behind as soon as they d receive it, well not if they liked it anyway
I think the only protocol is ....A present is a present once given it’s nothing to do with the giver any more
The child may CHOOSE to leave it with the absent parent but more likely take it to the home that has their room and belongings in

Bopeep14 Fri 24-Aug-18 13:29:47

I am only asking because my sons ex has asked me to buy our grandchildren something quite expensive for Christmas, and up until now we have given There presents at there main residence, but that is no longer an option, she now has a new partner who does not wish me to enter the house anymore. Also recently she has been selling toys that i have bought them on selling sites on Facebook, which they only received for birthdays earlier this year.

mcem Fri 24-Aug-18 13:36:57

The discussion might also include clothes!
My DGCs come to me (in uniform) on Friday. Their father collects them after tea on Saturday. Uniforms go straight into wash on Friday and are handed over freshly laundered to Dad on Saturday. Kids meantime are in weekend/play clothes.
And that's when clothes disappear into the wardrobe black hole!
Every so often DD has to ask for return of items when I have virtually none of the stuff I 've bought. Clothes bought by him are only seen when he posts on FB as perfect daddy!
As for toys - anything bought by his family must stay with him. With all other gifts, the children choose which stay with mummy and which come to me ( I 'm very good at board games apparently but dislike any shooting!).
Before anyone slaps my wrist about washing the uniforms, it's because we're fed up of spoiled clothes and grey polo shirts because he chucks everything in together on too hot a wash!

mcem Fri 24-Aug-18 13:40:15

Sorry bopeep crossed posts.
In your case I 'd ensure that they have any expensive or treasured gifts with Dad.
Your DiL's behaviour means she's lost the right to dictate!

BlueBelle Fri 24-Aug-18 13:43:12

Well then the story has changed considerable now
Of course with the new information you keep them where the children will be able to play with them and where they won’t get sold on

Bopeep14 Fri 24-Aug-18 14:35:27

The clothes thing isn’t an issue because she won’t allow them to stay overnight. He has them for 6 hours a week, which is part of her reasoning that they won’t get played with if he has them at his home. I really don’t know what to do I don’t want to upset her, but then again I don’t want to waste money on toys that a few months down the line she is going to sell.

MissAdventure Fri 24-Aug-18 14:40:35

Probably better to waste the money and leave her to do what she will with the presents.
It may be wise to be very amenable, for now.

Jobey68 Fri 24-Aug-18 14:47:32

I'm afraid if I wasn't welcome in my grandchildrens home then I wouldn't be handing out expensive gifts to be left there either, of course I would buy for my grandchildren but they would be left either at mine or the other parents.
Quite why women allow a man to dictate how they bring up their children and who may or may not visit them baffles me, I wouldn't have stood for that from their father let alone someone who wasn't!

M0nica Fri 24-Aug-18 14:50:05

Why not personalise the toys in someway that makes them difficult to sell. Write his name on it in indelible ink, or write love from Grandma on it.

New partner not wanting you in the house sounds worrying. Is he the reason she is selling the toys?

Alterately say, that you would love to get him the (expensive) present but you cannot afford it and will need to get him something less expensive.

mcem Fri 24-Aug-18 15:08:36

Token gift for mum's house and more substantial one for
dad's? They need something to play with there and NO don't comply with her diktats.
Couldn't dad be pushing for more access?

BlueBelle Fri 24-Aug-18 15:29:25

What a sensible idea MOnica you can also buy lots of presents that are personalised at source
Are you concerned about the new partner and grandchild ?
Where does your son sit in all this ?

Bopeep14 Fri 24-Aug-18 15:52:59

That sounds the best idea mcem, maybe a personalised one. It’s taken two years for her to allow him any access at all ,yes he would love more but he doesn’t want to push it at the moment he is happy just seeing them and doesn’t want to cause a problem so she stops visitation again. No I am not worried about her new partner he seems nice enough, he just thinks it’s best if the children see us in there dads house or ours, so they can get on with being a family unit.

Chewbacca Fri 24-Aug-18 16:25:53

I'd bypass the expensive presents and put money in their savings accounts OP. Ex DIL won't be able to sell that, or access it.

janemar Fri 24-Aug-18 17:00:55

It seems a bit of a waste to have an expensive toy that can only be played with for 6 hours a week. Children go off things so quickly that it is often better to sell them while there is still some value, that maybe what was happening. I certainly would not be buying now for christmas as they may not even want it by then, especially the game consul type things.

sodapop Fri 24-Aug-18 17:53:46

Good idea Chewbacca then the children can just have some small inexpensive gifts.

annep Sat 25-Aug-18 09:22:28

Well I'm not sure it would stay in their accounts. Maybe something they cant access until they're older. I certainly wouldn't buy expensive presents unless its something they will keep. My GC get bought expensive presents regularly by other Grandparents. They arent appreciated any more than my more moderate ones.

Cabbie21 Sat 25-Aug-18 09:37:45

Perhaps you could arrange a treat instead of a present? Tickets to somewhere special. Or an event?
It is possible to open a savings account on behalf of a child and keep control of it until they are 18.

GabriellaG Sat 25-Aug-18 09:52:14

Haha...the games people play. Does no-one have a life any more? Dad can't wash clothes properly, mum sells her almost new children's toys on fb, GN buys 'expensive toys' as requested by DiL?

Pinkshoes26 Sat 25-Aug-18 10:33:30

With my lovely grandchildren I give £10 every birthday and a gift at Christmas. The £10 is then put with other money and a bigger pressant bought, chosen by mum as they are young. Christmas, I have always insisted I see the family open our pressants. Take photos etc.....So we have a day just before Christmas that we swap and open our gifts. Our house or theirs. Makes it special.

annep Sat 25-Aug-18 10:34:29

GabriellaG it can be complicated when families split. Sounds funny but it actually isn't. I know my own child could well do without all the hassle caused ( and was the IP)

Bopeep14 Sat 25-Aug-18 10:58:12

GabriellaG life is not easy sometimes we all have things going on just because a dad can’t wash children’s clothes properly doesn’t make him a bad dad, yes selling children’s nearly new toys on Facebook is a bit petty but maybe the children don’t play with them. I certainly don’t buy expensive toys at the request of DIL, and it all depends on you perception of expensive. It really not funny at all.

JanaNana Sat 25-Aug-18 11:44:22

I think I would just buy them a small gift each birthday and Christmas, but open a savings account for the child and put in the extra money you may have spent on a larger gift into the account. When the child is 18 there will be a little next egg from this that will probably be far more useful then than large expensive gifts now. They probably already have/get lots of presents already so they won't be missing out. If necessary tell DiL what you have decided to do....gifts are the choice of the giver whatever the expectations of the recipient.

Elrel Sat 25-Aug-18 12:15:19

Bopeep - If you have time there are lovely barely used clothes in some charity shops.
Do the clothes the children go to their father in then end up at their mother's? Every time? I know how annoying it is when a nice tee shirt disappears into the ether!
Maybe as they get older they can bring a top and trousers each in their school backpack to wear on Saturday. Or perhaps their father can ask the children to do a quick change at their mother's on drop off and give him 'your' clothes to take and wash.