MIL/DIL - Help me understand my MIL

That's good! I assume you tell her how much DD enjoys the arts and crafts with her...how pleased you are she has that opportunity etc etc! I wouldn't worry too much about her motivations, best gran or otherwise! Focus on getting the balance you want in the relationship and ensuring no negative impact on your DD seems best all round

Thanks Madgran! They're really good points!

I did text her saying thank you for coming and that DD has really enjoyed using the gifts she bought.

It's sad if she is definitely playing for best gran as she doesn't need to. DD and my mum just had this bond a lot like my nan and i but MIL brings other things to their relationship like being really good at arts and crafts which DD enjoys.

DIL17 ...its not your "fault" about letting your emotions get in the way! Its a bit human really! You are pregnant and trying to deal with a situation that has been upsetting you, in a positive way, which is really good and constructive of you! You deserve oodles of admiration for that!

My advice re responses/questions (I think you mean some of my earlier suggestions?) is don't try to run before you can walk and don't beat yourself up if it is hard at the beginning. Maybe focus on one aspect of the problem and appropriate responses to start with ...and address that with her first with those responses?

Also another strategy when she is with your Mum with you is to respond positively to your Mum so that your MIL hears it. So ..."Thanks for checking with us first Mum, yes that is ok as that is what she is used to" or "Thanks for stopping Mum, we try so hard to keep things consistent with her!"

Everyone who plays the Best Granny In The World game eventually loses.

Sad but true. If that’s what’s going on, all you can do is try to dissuade her from ‘competing’

@LuckyGirl she stayed there as it was the only childcare that could be arranged and it was arranged before everything went really off. My DH travels away a lot for work and in the summer, she was the only one free. It was either that or a week unpaid off work for me (which with DC2 on the way I want to avoid!) Not ideal and it was strange, but we had no other choice. My dad had a stroke when DD was a few months old and can't look after himself and my mum works FT.

DD is the first DGC which is why at first I didn't get so annoyed, but she's 5 now. She does work I said earlier one that up until this summer she was a teaching assistant so had school holidays off, that's why she was the childcare solution that week. She's just started working in a care home, still FT. She also seems to do a lot with friends during the week .

AS for the weekend, it didn't go well but that was entirely my fault! Not hers.

My anxiety just rocketed when she texted DH that she was on her. I don't know if that's pregnancy hormones or not. We engaged in a few questions as she was talking with my sister a lot. It was nice I think for her to see DD with my mum.

The two are never really in the same room and if I ask my mum not to do something she'll stop but she also checks with me and DH about things and I think MIL was interested in this as she seemed to watch my mum quite closely. Maybe that was a good thing? She also had her time with DD, opening her gift, talking about school (just started).

I'm still trying with the questions: response mentioned further up. I have admittedly tried in front of a mirror and in role play with DH (sounds so silly). This weekend though was just my fault letting my own emotions get in the way.

The recurring comments on power play are interesting. I don;t think it's that as such, but a play to be the best grandparent. Hopefully having more DGC will help calm this as that energy will need to be split three ways instead of focused just on DD.

More reason to treat her gently and not get drawn into discussions that mean challenging an obviously very fixed mind set.

There was some research published recently that showed that challenging people with fixed views of the world around them with information that challenges their views (providing Flat Earthers with evidence that the earth is round) only makes them more convinced that their view is correct one!

Worth bearing in mind!

If I remember correctly, 'Diktat' changed her user name to that after a GN commenter said she seemed to issue diktats in her life - she said she really liked that name. Previously she had a sequence of numbers as her user name I think. I don't think DIL17 is in her kind of category as she seems quite normal by comparison ?

I think the best thing to do is ignore deliberately provocative threads like this, especially from someone choosing such a deliberately 'in your face' name.

Unless of course it is to express one's doubts.

MOnica that’s what I said a few posts back. I think she just says things to wind people up. I find it frustrating that we can’t indicate on GN posts if we agree/disagree, support etc.

I think your MIL is obviously indulging in some sort of power play and my advice would be don't engage in it. I don't think there is any need for a one to one confrontation as if she cries and sulks that will be counter productive. It also probably won't make any difference.

Re the party, I would just comment it would have been nice to have received the same information the other family members did - ie that it was a surprise party for your DH. Other than that just enjoy the fact you did not have to do anything and tell your DD that your DH had his presents at home before the party.

Going forward if you really want to involve her more in your life then maybe invite her over to yours more so that this is not always on her territory. As you get on well with BIL and SIL maybe make it a more regular thing as the cousins will be close in age and they appear to back you up. Call her out on any undermining of your decisions each and every time.

Is your DD her first DGC? Does she work? I do think mothers of sons seem to think they have to assert their authority before DIL takes their son away. If your DD loves her there must be some good in her and she may just be acting out because she feels insecure around you.

Also as a GM myself I would have to say I am quite soft around my DGDs certainly more than I was my own DDs but I certainly respect my DDs and her husbands parental choices and would not undermine them.

I think she is doing it for a wind-up and is thoroughly enjoying every second of our outrage at her behaviour.

Poor woman what a sad life she must live, most of us live lives that are outwards facing and all the fuller for it. Hers is so inwardly focussed, emotion can only come from winding other people up online, and hoping to make them feel miserable.

Diktat, you are probably the nastiest person who has ever posted on this site. I think you need some real help and counselling.

I wondered if your DD is the only DGC as well? Maybe you are learning as a parent - I wholeheartedly agree with your sensible approach to rules by the way - as the same time as MiL is learning to be a GP. This is my situation too, but with DD and SiL, and I've been shocked sometimes at how DD has perceived/mistaken some of my words and deeds. Fortunately she tells me and we try sort out whatever the problem is. I'm learning to be more careful, but it doesn't help that I'm sometimes a bit thoughtless and can't read people very well. At least we're open to discussion and, above all, we have the wellbeing of the little person first and foremost. Perhaps your MiL needs a little more encouragement and a little less correcting? You say your relationship is at 'rock bottom' but she doesn't seem unkind or some harridan, like some MiLs described on MN. True, it would have been better to have informed you about the surprise party but she didn't take over your birthday plans on the actual day, and perhaps it genuinely did just occur to her that she'd extend the lunch a bit and invite a few more members of the family - you did say he doesn't have a big family anyway. Maybe you are overthinking it, don't give her a reason to cry, calmly insist on your rules when it's important - great suggestions about how to approach that from Madgran77 - and good for you for wanting to improve things when you have DC2. Just try to make it two way and build your own relationship with MiL instead of leaving DH and DD to visit her. Because if you are correct, and her motives are suspect, then that might be just what she wants. I think you sound the thoughtful kind of person who will persevere and succeed in having a good relationship with MiL.

I think children do understand about different places, different rules, and I think it does them no harm to see that people with different views can get along - or at least be polite to one another!

When our GC are with us we try to stick to family rules, but there are some little things that happen here and not at home and they seem to have no problem with knowing what applies to which situation and accepting that.

I was slightly puzzled by the fact that DD went to stay with MIL for a week in the summer, given your concerns - or have I misunderstood that?

Eglantine

Swear and moan about her to your own family and friends, but be happy and nice to her whenever you meet up with her, either at yours or other families homes. Whatever you do, don’t let her see she has any effect on you and she will get bored trying, if she is doing it on purpose.

As far as chastising your children goes, say quite clearly, in front of your child and hubby that you guys do whatever in this way and while she is in your house you expect her to be the same. When the children go stay with her, then let her spoil them a bit, that’s what grannies do and children adapt to how to behave at home and the fact they might get a bit of leeway at grannies.

Good luck.

Do I know that song willa - you could say so!
We had the book with one of those press button things that played it all through
Over and over and over …. and I bought a new one for the DGC (silly me).
In the end the press button stopped working thank goodness.

Words and actions

Thanks Jalima.....After I posted, I wondered how many actually knew the song, otherwise not nearly as funny!

My sons ( male ) partner is great .

Actually it never even occurred to me that they wouldn’t find someone and go off to make a home of their own, that would be different from mine.

Even when they were little I could see they had personalities that were different to mine, enjoyed things I didn’t, rejected things I wanted to do ( oh why wouldn’t my daughter play dolls) liked their rooms to be different from what I would have chosen for them.

When I’m at theirs I do it their way, and when they come to stay - oh well I seem to do it their way too.

Just a pushover really

Mothers of sons are in a difficult place
That depends Palliser - I was just very thankful that a lovely girl came along and married DS - I thought he could be at home for ever - he had boomeranged back a couple of times.

willa thnks for that one

Monica, you are lucky !
I have 2 d.i.ls, one of whom chooses to keep me out....she is an only child and has a very "interfering" mother...say no more...
On the other hand, my daughter is so good with her parents in law.....she always involves them in everything. She finds them overbearing at times, but she tolerates them because they are wonderful grandparents to her children.

The OP is not overthinking or psychoanalyzing.....she has a great deal of useful self knowledge and is asking for other perspectives.

Palliser what a strange view you have of mothers of sons. My experience as a DiL was that I loved my sons parents dearly, especially my MiL , she was like a second mother to me. Both sets of grandparents got on really well and after my MiL was widowed and moved near us, she stayed with my parents who enjoyed her company and being with her.

Now I am the MiL. My relationship with my DDiL is the same as mine was with my MiL. Both families are quite small and we all consider and talk of ourselves as one family. We have twice had family holidays that incorporated both sides of the family together and are talking of a third.

Your experience may be of poor relationships, my experience is entirely at variance with yours. I would not make sweeping generalisations out of either of our experiences.

My daughter came across this one on Facebook and shared it for a good laugh!

^If you're happy and you know it, overthink
If you're happy and you know it, overthink
If you're happy and you know it,
Give your brain a chance to blow it,
If you're happy and you know it, overthink^

or you can also 'have a drink'