Grandchild sees my home as a bolthole

Bang on girl. The child comes to grans house as she feels safe with you. Tell her parents to donate for food etc.
Every time she turns up at yours lots of hugs and kisses and tell how much you love her.
Feed her and then take her home

Please keep your Granddaughter with you if possible, 14 is a vulnerable age. She may feel that nobody loves/wants or understands her, you maybe the one who can change that for her, help her to continue in education and go on to lead a happy fulfilling life.

Once you get involved with SW and CAFCASS things may be taken out of your control, if she was mine and was put into foster care I could not forgive myself.

It sounds as if your son is not coping well with his diagnosis, perhaps an understanding GP could be helpful?

Not sure about the home schooling, unless the son is qualified to teach arts, sciences and language to GCSE level.

I agree with those who say she should be a priority and your son should give up his bed for her. If she’s living with you apply to get the Child Benefit and you will also be entitled to Child Tax Credits, a not to be sneezed at amount and that will ease the financial burden. Apply for a house from the local authority and try to think that it may be difficult now, but she might end up in care if nobody looks out for her. Try to imagine how you would feel in the future if she ends up on drugs or has mental health issues and you hadn’t done everything that you could. If your son isn’t working he could home school, that might be worth looking into as well.

I guess if something terrible happens to a child everybody is quick to find fault?

I think I know where Codfather is coming from, Social Services have a rule book and some managers interpretation is way over the top. The amount of interference and stress they can cause is just not worth any help you may get and they might want to put her in a children's home, that is the worst of all options

Your son may get rehoused by the council if he is classed as vulnerable with Copd but you will have to evict him first. He may not be well enough to give physical support but he could give emotional support which really counts. Wish you all well in a very difficult situation.

So cod father, you had one terrible one, one young and possibly inexperienced one and one good one?

I do sympathise and understand a lot of what you are saying; codfather. SS can be an absolute minefield and although I don't doubt they do much in the way of good, we had a very bitter experience in our family when a child was being physically abused with pushing and shoving, and neglect, and a whole catalogue of other concerns too long to list here, and yet the person concerned turned on charm, lies and tears at hearings . The CAFCASS officer was arrogant and would not listen to anybody; our saving was that she was taken off the case and another appointed who had compassion and common sense and could see right through the bullying and lying. We also experienced a judge who steam rollered through a hearing and it then became apparent that he hadn't read the case file at all as he got several things completely wrong including the number, sex and ages of the children. I think it was close to lunchtime. Events resolved finally; we were thousands out of pocket but the real damage was to the children. That said, I would not tar all in Social Services with the same brush - clearly you have been unlucky and so were we.

I stand by everything I say about Social Services and others. Once they get involved, you lose all control. They make their own mind up and the Courts go along with them without question. The first Social Worker lied through her teeth to cover her own back. She was eventually sacker through a DPA breach! The second SW was wet behind the ears and was just told to get it finished. The Court appointed guardian was another Social Worker who just colluded with the others and as for CAFCASS, they made such a hash that the Judge had to drop them from proceedings. They couldn't even get names right!

The next case did have a decent SW who ignored her instructions and worked with us. Unfortunately, she retired after completing our case.

Subsequent SW's involved with the first case have been totally incompetent. One even told the parent with care that he did not have to abide by a Court Order granting us access to the children on Christmas Day!

Try complaining and you are met with a toffee-nosed manager who dares you to complain because you both know they will hide behind child protection.

And don't get me started about Family Court Judges, they are not worth the air they breathe!

I had to take out a secured loan of £17,000 to pay for legal costs in 2005 costing me £175 pcm which I finally settled in April with equity release.

Of the three Grandchildren involved, one is now 16 and visits us regularly. His sister we no longer have to visit because of her behaviour which was sanctioned by SS and the third grandchild lives with us permanently (the only thing they did get right).

I have every right to be bitter about Social Services! They are not the angels they are made out to be. You may not get the outcome you desire!

I occasionally bump into one of the Social Workers and we do have a chat and Social Services do keep me in the loop, when appropriate and that's because they accept the value of my input.

The best course of action would be to sit down with the son and granddaughter and discuss the situation as it stands. Then ask your Granddaughter what she would like and see if that is practicable and possible. If the mother is agreeable to whatever decision you come to, all well and good. If not, you may have to involve solicitors.

Another source of help may be the teaching staff such as Tutor, Head of Year or even Head Teacher but as with everything in life, some are good and some are bad, but that's another story!

If you take on full-time care of your Granddaughter, a residency order will give you Parental Responsibility which can make things easier. You will not necessarily be entitled to any financial support other than Child Benefit and Child Tax/Working Tax Credits and Child Support from the parents. Some Social Service \departments do have a fund for this situation but it would probably be means-tested and may have suffered budget cuts. We never sought this funding as we didn't want any further involvement.

The best support we've had over the years has come from school staff who have gone out of their way to be of help. In fact, I've just come off the phone speaking to them. Even though your Granddaughter is having problems at school, direct face-to-face contact can work wonders.

codfather what an awful thing to say! This family needs help, not a diatribe against social workers based on one person’s experience. I have dealt with social workers, and my daughter is a social worker dealing with just this sort of case. I have always found them to be professional and helpful, given the restraints of time and resources they work with. Yes, cazdk, you should see if there is any help available from social services. The longer your granddaughter is out of school, the harder it will be for her to get back in. But, I would also counsel against going to the school in a combative manner. The school may not be aware of all the circumstances, so you need to sit down calmly with someone in charge and explain everything, including your granddaughter’s anxieties. Better to co-operate with people who can help your family than be antagonistic.

So just write off the whole of professional help according to Codfather based on his/her experience alone

at 14 your granddaughter is old enough to voice her own opinion
You seem to have no idea! a child of 14 who has been through and going through what this girl is going through may have no ability to voice her fears, her thoughts, her expectations, her needs she may not even know them in her own head
I m afraid it’s a far more complex situation than your post signifies

Firstly, avoid Social Services like the plague! I speak from years of experience battling them for my grandchildren. Only once did we get a social worker worth anything who helped us get our Granddaughter despite the department's other ideas! CAFCASS are totally incompetent and couldn't write a shopping list! On the whole, the "professionals" are totally unprofessional!

At 14, your Granddaughter is old enough to voice her opinion and your son should be stepping up to the mark.

Unless there is a residence order in the mother's favour, your son is perfectly entitled to offer his daughter a home!

If your Granddaughter does move in you, you can claim Child Benefit, Child Tax Credits and Maintenance from the mother.

Oh cask, taking on others' responsibilities is exhausting and financially draining. I feel for you.
Some friends are bringing up grandchildren, and I believe that they get an allowance for each child as they are the foster parents.
Regarding school, you need to know if there is a teacher she gets on well with, someone who can mentor her, keep an eye out for her. A school counsellor would be brilliant, but only if they know her, and she wants to 've mentored by them.
CAMHS is an out if school child and adolescent mental health resource that the school/GP can refer her to.
Good luck

Your son really needs to step up here. This is his daughter-what is he doing to help/support her? This girls difficulties go far beyond school bullying and are really much closer to home. Her school are not to blame.

I have been in this situation both ends. I feel for you however please please put your love and support and reassurance and safety into this girls world. Otherwise she will feel rejection all of her life. It shouldn't be your problem but has come from your sons situation, this won't last forever but the joy you get from seeing her one day settled and happy will be the greatest feeling. Wish you well.

She sees your home as a sanctuary, a place of safety and you just cannot abandon her.

I can't keep feeding her - if that is because of cost then you must get the child benefit allocated to you.

I will bet I am much older than you cazdk but I would take in a DGC if they were in such desperate need.

Persistent school refusal, and alternative placements, are usually handled by social work in tandem with education.

The homelessness issues and her itinerant living arrangements are also matters for social work and housing to work together.

If you are getting no joy from school, it’s time to phone social work.

First I would help her, she really needs it. Secondly I would demand, yes, demand the child benefit (and any benefit the parents are getting for the child,) which would help towards the feeding. How well does she get on with her dad or is she coming to stay with you because she gets on better with you. You could ring Social Services and speak to the duty social worker and see what help they can offer. Above all please don't abandon this child who really needs your help.

Such a difficult and sad situation you find yourself in. I feel sorry for you all, but your granddaughter in particular. As you have waited in for a visit three times and no- one turned up, could you make a visit to the original school yourself and present the situation to them. Headteacher maybe able to give certain advice themselves to you and maybe better if you see he/she on your own as you can be more forthcoming with them than if your son and granddaughter are actually present at the meeting.
Is there any way you could afford to get a sofa bed in your living room ( not necessarily brand new) for your son to sleep on, or a single divan style bed instead, which during the day can be covered and arranged to look and act as seating.
I think your granddaughter sees you as the security she needs. Maybe someone at Citizens Advice can tell you if their are any extra benefits you could apply for, given the situation. They can often tell you straight away once they have all the necessary information and you might well find that your granddaughter's child benefit ( which is for the named child) should be coming into your household and not her mother's.
If there is anything that has to legally change for this to happen they will know and advise you. You have nothing to lose by booking an apt to see them and everything to gain.
I do hope that things improve for all of you.

Poor little girl. Her life must be so bleak. Can the adults in her life not see this and show her some compassion? Her father must be spineless (sorry - it had to be said) to allow her to come and go while he remains comfortably at home with his mum. Someone needs to stand up for her, give her a lot of love and sort out the bullying. I would have the metaphorical boxing gloves on and be trying hard to improve her life, not wondering if I could get rid of her. Sorry if this sounds harsh but she has one childhood, and to think she is spending it as a bullied child, mostly unwanted, is enough to make one weep.

This child has 2 parents! Opting out and not coping when they have problems or when they are teenagers is not possible. They are family, flesh and blood. I don't understand how people can opt out of being a parent. When you have a child they are hopefully there for the rest of your life. My children are grown up now and have children of their own. Our lives are not perfect but I support them practically, emotionally and at times financially as much as I can. As a grandparent you don't expect to continue the parent role however this child needs you now as a priority. You can do this for her. My heart goes out to her. All this turmoil in her teenage years. Lots of practical advice given already so I won't repeat that. Best wishes ☺

I don't think that home schooling would be the answer - who would be 'home schooling' her?

If your son is unable to work because of his condition, it would not be ideal for him to sleep downstairs, but at least he could catch up on some sleep during the day. Your DGD needs a good night's sleep and I think it would be best if you sorted out her schooling with the help of professionals.

Your dgd may be at the end of her tether. She is just 14 and feels unwanted and unloved. She seems to trust you or maybe comes to see her Dad. Could you not invite her to live with you and make her feel wanted on the condition she goes back to and stays at school until 16. Her Dad could sleep downstairs and she take the second bedroom. I know it is a big responsibility especially when you have raised your own children and you are getting older but she needs someone loving and sensible and responsible to take her in and help her to grow up. Your son is an adult and should be fending for himself and helping his daughter. You should get child benefit if you are looking after a child under 16 full time.

Oh dear. I'm sorry that my comments confused you. The comment re full stops was to another GN user who posted before you. I should have put the name (natasha1)
As for the 2 bedroom comment. The first few comments I read mentioned that the OP might ask her son/DiL for some financial contribution towards food when, to my mind, a place for her to sleep was more important as she could hardly get a good night's sleep on a sofa, not on a permanent basis anyway.
My opening comment was to the OP (as I assume most are unless a particular GN is named) and it was she to whom I was referring when I wrote that GNs, broadly speaking, would normally not think twice about ousting the father from the bedroom and onto the sofa.
I hope that's made my points clearer.