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Moving parents in with us

(29 Posts)
Grammaretto Tue 13-Nov-18 16:13:34

We haven't done it yet but are seriously thinking of offering to have my in-laws to live with us as they get increasingly needy.
It would require us to move to somewhere suitable so not a speedy undertaking.
Has anyone experience of this? I'd love advice or to hear how it worked or otherwise. We are in our 70s so perhaps this isn't a common arrangement.

EllanVannin Tue 13-Nov-18 16:20:40

Oooooo>>>>>>>>scratching head. smile

Luckygirl Tue 13-Nov-18 16:24:34

I would not have done this for my in-laws! We did it temporarily for FIL when he was homeless on return from abroad - what a nightmare! He and OH barely on speaking terms, so guess who was keeping the peace?! And whose job it was to have the difficult conversation with him about "It's time to go!!!" And who searched for suitable accommodation for him?

It is a risky road I feel, even with a separate annexe.

MissAdventure Tue 13-Nov-18 16:25:02

I think it could work, possibly easier than spending more and more time trying to keep your parents current situation afloat.
I had my mum to live with me for a year, and that worked out very well.
She was very "well behaved". grin

Grammaretto Tue 13-Nov-18 16:31:13

I can see there isn't a one size fits all solution. They are very aged obviously so don't get about much but get lonely even though they have eachother. It maybe not such a great idea because they could lose the help they currently have . Would I recommend this plan to someone else? Scratches head.....wink

Charleygirl5 Tue 13-Nov-18 16:36:41

I also would never have done it for my in laws- I could hardly bare visiting them for Sunday lunch never mind living with them even if they had a separate annex.

MissAdventure Tue 13-Nov-18 16:46:46

I think if you had very clear boundaries, perhaps a connecting door which could be closed at certain times, and separate front rooms, if that would be possible.
I think they could probably still get the help they currently do, if you were very clear that you will not be taking on a care role.

Eglantine21 Tue 13-Nov-18 16:52:01

Ahem...I am the in law who has moved in, albeit temporarily because I have sold my house and not yet bought another.

I am sharing myself out and factoring in some weekends in a hotel to give people a break.

I can not fault the hospitality especially from my in laws and children but:

I am very careful to give them “space”. Going out for walks, going to bed early etc so they can be a twosome.

I try not to be waited upon and am particular to do things their way ( even when my way is patently better!)

I try to keep my stuff in my room and not produce a creeping tide that takes over every room.

Plus I am going - at some point!

I can’t imagine how we would all cope if I was there to stay.

It would only work if I could have my own separate space 😬

Feelingmyage55 Tue 13-Nov-18 17:00:12

We offered, and have an annex, but we’re turned down. So a starting point would be - would they like this? You might be surprised t at the answer. I was.

Grammaretto Tue 13-Nov-18 17:05:02

Thanks for your helpful answers. I think it may be one of my stranger plans which I will forget.
They haven't asked us. It just seemed like it could be a real help to them. They worry a lot about security and shopping and cooking which at present we could spare them that. However, none of us knows what the future holds so I would hate to trap any of us in a worse situation.

Fennel Tue 13-Nov-18 17:45:35

I think you need to ask them how they feel about it. We asked my Mum to come and live with us when Dad died and she didn't want to, preferred sheltered accommodation (until she had a stroke.) I think she was glad we'd offered though.

SueDonim Tue 13-Nov-18 17:55:39

I don't think I'd ever do that, I value my own space too much. Though as children, both Dh and I had GP's living with us and it wasn't a happy time so I guess I'm biased against it from that.

Grammaretto, I think you do need to consider how you would cope if you needed care yourself, too, a safety net, if you like.

Are there other means to making life easier for your IL's? Obviously that isn't an option without the financial means, of course. sad

Buffybee Tue 13-Nov-18 18:16:03

You say that they are particularly worried about security, shopping and cooking.
Could you perhaps help them make their home more secure, extra locks, have an alarm system fitted on doors and windows. My Df had this and when he switched the system on, while in the house, he felt very secure.
Alternatively, would they be willing to move into Sheltered Housing?
Food wise, there are lots of ready meals that they could try, to make things easier.
Shopping, maybe you could do an online shop with them and be there the first couple of times it was delivered.
Also, have they got Carers helping them at certain times during the day?
All well and good me suggesting things but from experience older people can be very stubborn regarding any help offered.

mumofmadboys Tue 13-Nov-18 18:18:32

We moved my parents to a bungalow around the corner from us. It was 2 minutes walk for me. Mum and Dad couldn't get that far by themselves. We maintained our privacy but were very much on hand to help. Dad lived two years there and Mum four. It was hard work but I am so glad we did it.

Grammaretto Tue 13-Nov-18 18:29:19

Thanks again. Lots to consider. Their present accommodation is not bad for elderly and I don't think they'd like sheltered housing. They are quite independent.
We were considering downsizing ourselves but wondered if a move, including them, might be an alternative.
I knew a couple who emigrated to Australia taking his 90yr old mother.

Welshwife Tue 13-Nov-18 19:16:51

Should they agree to the idea is, the moving because you will need a bigger house? If you could fit them in where you are it might be a better solution bearing in mind time scales - selling and buying etc,and ages of all concerned.

NfkDumpling Tue 13-Nov-18 19:25:42

If they need a couple of hours care per week then looking at Housing with Care may be an option. It’s increasingly popular. They’d have their own flat and front door but care and help and companionship.

M0nica Tue 13-Nov-18 19:46:53

After she was widowed, My DMiL, moved to live near us. She bought a one bedroomed flat a few hundred yards away from us. It worked very well, even when she was ill and housebound because we were so close at han. It was easy for DD to look in on her way home from school and run errands, and we could call in of an evening, without any problem.

*Grammaretto, if you plan to downsize and share a house, make sure you both have separate living rooms and bathrooms as well as bedrooms, even if the kitchen and dining room are shared space. Ideally, one living upstairs , one living down.

The flat needed work so she lived with us for three months before moving in. It went very well, she was easy and uncritical to live with, but we both admitted it was nice to have our homes to ourselves, once she moved to the flat.

oldbatty Tue 13-Nov-18 19:51:43

Gut reaction? No don't do it. Try to find a good private carer for them.

agnurse Tue 13-Nov-18 19:53:13

I think it's very situation dependent. There are a few things you would need to consider:

1. "Shared" vs. "private" spaces. Especially when it comes to things such as TVs and other electronics. If you have a den or a bonus room in addition to a family room, it might be an option for you to let them have that as a private sitting room. If you don't have an extra sitting room that could be an issue.

2. Health issues. As they become more frail, is your home set up to deal with health issues they may experience? Do you have good lighting? Are the floors slippery? Are there throw rugs (major fall hazard)? Is the bathroom safe for them? Do the stairs (if there are any) have hand rails? Are there accessible entrances (i.e. no steps)? Is at least one bedroom and at least one bathroom located on the ground floor?

3. Caregiving issues. If they need more care, are you in a position to provide it? Remember, home care will do some things, but they can't be there 24/7. Would they be comfortable with you doing personal care such as bathing or toileting?

I'm not saying it's a bad idea. It really depends on the situation. Rather, I'm saying these are things you'll need to consider if you have them move in with you.

I wonder if they might want to consider an "aging in place" facility, if such a thing is available in your area. This would be a facility that has different areas for lodge, assisted living, and continuing care-level needs. More independent people would live in the lodge area. As their care needs increase, they would move to different areas of the facility. This way they can stay close to their friends and in a familiar environment while still having their needs met. If you decide that moving them into your home is not the best option, this might be an alternative to consider.

M0nica Tue 13-Nov-18 21:14:37

agnurse I think you are talking about a retirement village. You need to be very well funded to live in one of these. We have several near us and the prices for property and the care home are very high.

agnurse Tue 13-Nov-18 22:14:51

Ah. I am not sure how it is in the UK. I know that in Canada, for long-term care, if it is a public facility you pay only for room and board. The cost is set by the government. Private facilities, obviously, you have to pay for everything. Many private facilities do have some subsidized beds.

I am not sure how funding works for lodges.

Grammaretto Tue 13-Nov-18 22:22:53

Again thank you all so much for taking the time to write such careful, thoughtful replies.
I have learned something!

Perhaps we will consider moving nearer to them. I had been worried that if we moved further from them, it would seem cruel . We are presently only a few miles away and see them frequently and help them as much as we can.

M0nica Tue 13-Nov-18 23:03:11

agnurse in the UK we have sheltered flats, and care homes. Usually quite separate from each other and no connections.

Sheltered housing can be in the public or private sector and, essentially outside the public sector you get what you can afford to pay for. Public provision is almost entirely for those on limited incomes.

Care homes are almost all private and if you have any assets, you have to use almost all of these up before you get any state financial help. If you have no assets the local authority pays the bills, but very little and not if they can avoid it. This results in many people getting poor and inadequate care.

A number of private companies have built retirement villages that will have flats and houses and some communal facilities for the able-bodied and disabled who can manage on their own or buy in the care they need. There will then be a care home on site for those that need care and cannot look after themselves, but these are expensive in every way.

The Canadian system sounds much better.

JanaNana Tue 13-Nov-18 23:23:10

Lots of pros and cons here I think. Don't think it will be easy with the best will in the world though. Bearing in mind you are in your 70s I am guessing your in-laws are around their 90s. They may not want to move at all, if they have lived a long time in their present home they might dig their heels in and want to stay put.
You obviously know them very well and must get on well with them to consider asking them, but I think the practicalities could be quite difficult.
I think it would depend on the size and type of property ..... maybe a house with an annexe could work, giving you all space of your own but being on hand for support when necessary. I would have a conversation amongst you all fairly soon, just tentatively at the moment to try and find out if they would be open to the idea, if so then you could start making plans.
We stayed with our daughter for about 4 months a few years ago (while we were doing up a property) in a three storey modern town house and although we shared the kitchen it had three bathrooms so there was never any problems with queueing to get in, also we had the top storey on our own while daughter, SiL and grandchildren lived on the other two storeys, so it worked out very well.
We were then in our early 60s and it was only temporary, but things can work out if everyone makes the effort to do so. Whatever you choose to do, hope everything works out ok for you all.