Gransnet forums

Ask a gran

Should I be annoyed.

(11 Posts)
Bopeep14 Sat 17-Nov-18 10:43:48

Yesterday I had to go to see a solicitor, the appointment was made at the last minute so I had to arrange for my daughter to look after my grandson her nephew. I cleared it with my son who said it was fine. Last night I went to see my daughter who was very upset because she had been told that my sons fiancé was annoyed that she had looked after her son not me, it was only a couple of hours I had him for the rest of the day, apparently she needs to know where her son is at all times. My daughter had to go and pick my sons fiancée daughter up from school the day before because she was stuck in traffic and wouldn’t be home in time, she gave her tea and then took her home when her mum eventually got there. I think she is being unreasonable, what do you all think before I talk to her about it.

Nonnie Sat 17-Nov-18 10:49:37

She is being unreasonable but there is nothing you can do about it. If you alienate her she has the power to stop you seeing your GS and DS, it happens all the time as you can see from so many threads on here.

stella1949 Sat 17-Nov-18 10:51:00

If your DIL wants to know where her child is, then it's a good idea to let her know. It might seem unreasonable to you, but if she wants to know about changed plans, you should go along with that. A quick phone call or text message would have sorted it all out. What happened the day before is not relevant - don't get the two situations mixed up.

If you are going to talk to her, your first words should be "I'm sorry ". Don't get all huffy about it . She has all the power in this situation - don't risk your relationship with your son / your grandson just because you think you are right and she is wrong.

Luckygirl Sat 17-Nov-18 10:52:50

Difficult - I do always tell DDs if I am planning to take their children out, or leave with another DD when necessary. However, you cleared it with your son so the son's partner needs to have her argument with him, not you or your other DD.

Violetfloss Sat 17-Nov-18 11:13:35

I'm a worrier and I get anxious so I can see where your DIL is coming from. I wanted to know where my children are and who they are with.

But I'd be having words with my husband as to why he didn't tell me. You cleared it with him so you did check and made sure it was ok, he didn't then pass on the message.

Buffybee Sat 17-Nov-18 11:14:56

I cleared it with my son who said it was fine.
If you do speak to your Dil, which by the way, I wouldnt.
All you need to say is, "I'm sorry but". The above!
Btw, how did your Dd find out that your Ddil was upset about the arrangement?
It seems not directly from your Ddil so whoever this person is may have got hold of the wrong end of the stick, she may have been annoyed that your Ds had not let her know where her Ds was and left her out of the loop.
Very different from being annoyed that you Dd had looked after her nephew.
Whatever, I would throw this back to your Ds to deal with.

M0nica Sat 17-Nov-18 11:17:10

We are all annoying and unreasonable at times. But we need a sense of proportion. Let problems like this get out of hand and you end up with feuds and estrangement. The child was never left alone without care.

So this incident was irritating, but let it go.

MawBroon Sat 17-Nov-18 11:18:20

I think a quick text to that effect would have removed any doubt.
Mum has over reacted, although I can understand why she might want to know where the little one , perhaps in case of an emergency, but should yoube annoyed?
No of course not.
I would not talk to her about it unless she raises it in which case something along the lines of “sorry, son said it was OK but if it should ever be necessary again of course I will text you”
Then let it go.

Bopeep14 Sat 17-Nov-18 11:22:46

Thanks for the replies, yes I am aware of her power. I have never come across this before I have left my other grandchildren on occasion with my daughter for doctors appointments dentist etc, also my daughter and I take the children out on her day off do I now have to tell her every place we go?I look after children 6 days a week I sometimes I have no option, my other daughter in law has never had a problem. I have a list of do’s and don’ts which I ridgedly stick too for her son, I just feel my daughter has been slighted for some reason and also my son it seems is not allowed to make decisions regarding his child. Just to clarify my son is annoyed as well.

Lynne59 Sat 17-Nov-18 13:05:47

Some DILs can be difficult (my son's ex certainly is).

In this situation, couldn't you have taken the child with you?

6 days a week of looking after a grandchild? That's a LOT. I adore my GC, but even if their mum had been different, I wouldn't have wanted to give up 6 days out of 7 to look after children.

felice Sat 17-Nov-18 13:12:13

I live in an apartment in the family home, even if DGS and I are going to the local market after Church or I am taking him to the corner shop I always tell DD.
Just a text or a FB message.
She is at home too but he is her child and it just seems normal to let her know where we are.