Elderly parent

My FiL who had dementia became extremely stubborn about washing or changing clothes. However he was living with us (until it became too much for me to cope with) so I would have a clean set ready, watch like a hawk for when he went to the loo first thing, zoom in and swap.
He never noticed.

This sort of thing is a perennial problem with dementia I'm afraid. Later had the same problem with my formerly fastidious mother, who would refuse to bath or shower, except when my sister, who lived much further away, visited far less often and didn't mind getting tough, would say very bluntly, 'You need a shower - you smell!' (she did.)

I who visited much more often could never face all the tears and upset, but they were soon forgotten and I'm sure she must have felt better afterwards.

You could also get a pretty tabard ?

My DM has mild dementia and would refuse help with self care. One thing that made her much more likely to have a shower or wash was if the carers said 'it'll make your children happy if you do' or 'do (whatever needed doing) to keep your children happy'. I hope this works for you.
Well done for taking on such a challenging role and best wishes.

You are doing so well in looking after MIL you are clearly a loving family. Do you remember the old fashioned wrap over "pinny" you can still get them .we bought 3 identical ones and encouraged her to wear it indoors over her clothes,brightly coloured , she quickly took to wearing it regularly, it keeps her clean and fresh . Good luck , and don't forget careers need their support too so look after you

I had this with my MIL.

With a large portion of trifle, (heavily laced with sherry!), she would go to bed. I would then sneak in, gather her clothes, apply stain remover, wash and dry them overnight, and put them back before she woke the next morning. I did this every night until all clothes and bedding were clean.
We used to travel to hers to bring her back for a stay with us, so it must have been easier than your options.

Its good she is still enjoying lunch out, you are not letting her down, if she does go out with stains on her front so be it.
Gentle persuasion might work, otherwise try not to worry, ignore and let her enjoy her day out. Well done for caring.

Thank you so much for your advice. I suppose that I shouldn't worry about it but the high spot of her week is going out for lunch and I feel that I am letting her down if she goes out covered in food stains.

My mum never wanted to change her clothes either, it’s a common problem I think. It’s difficult, but if she has a bath then try and change them then, keeping like for like if possible, but if she resists then leave her be. She will only get upset.
It’s hard, very hard.

justanoviceit might help to give your MiL a choice.
Take away the stained clothing and offer two different outfits.
It worked with my mum when she didn’t want to bathe. I would say something like ‘you can have your bath now or at 10.30 when I’ve finished this job.’
Not bathing wasn’t an option.
It sounds as though you’re doing a brilliant job

DM disliked bathing and particularly hair washing so we bought dry shampoo and she had bed baths.
Also cutting her nails was a problem . The carers refused to cut her nails so SiL or I would do it but she squealed as though we were cutting off her fingers.
Latterly she was bedbound so day clothes got motheaten in the wardrobe and it was just floral polycotton nighties towards the end.
It comes to us all.

Stained clothing may be bothering you but, if she isn't bothered, then forget it for a while.

Thank you for your advice. I should have explained that my DH's mum lives alone and is extremely independent.

My mum wanted to wear the same item every night. It took me a while to understand so eventually I bought duplicates of the clothes she was comfy in (usually M & Co) so affordable. The biggest problem was her bra - she really struggled so she progressed to a sleep bra (soft, unsupported and no hooks to irritate her very papery skin), then we gave up and she wore no bra at all as she found it so irritating (and perhaps because she was living in the past). A top and a cardigan were perfectly modest. Also mum had worn trousers for decades and struggled at the toilet with pants and trousers, so she happily changed to elasticated waist, soft fabric skirts. It was easier for both her and whoever was helping.
With mild dementia, many people are more confused in the evening (sundowning?) and sometimes we just allowed mum to sleep in her day clothes. After all when she was showered in the morning and everything on clean, it didn’t seem terrible to allow her to wear the clothes for 24 hours rather than upset her. She would shower very happily if she liked the smell of her shower gel and it was vey foamy. We eventually found a particular fruity smell that she loved and that was a huge help. She also had a favourite towel and would not shower unless that was available. Before the shower (epic effort but had to be done to look after her skin) I would promise her a treat after of something that was essentially a reward for cooperating. I needed a treat myself! Sometimes though, it is not worth the emotional upset. Mum also often wore clothes inside out and we finally realised that the seams were irritating her.
I hope that gives a little insight. Your mum may just not want anyone to see her undressed. My mum became quite uninhibited. I was always embarrassed but she didn’t seem to be. Sometimes allowing her to choose her clothes helped, sometimes the decision was too big as to what to wear. I took a long time to learn how to go with the flow. One thing that was never a problem was getting her hair done - that was always perceived as a treat.
Sorry if this is a bit long.

I used to help an elderly relatives to bath. She had one of those bath seats that move up and down but needed supervising getting in and out. I used to nick her clothes and lay out clean ones while she was splashing about.

On the courses I help run for carers, we suggest having duplicate clothing as it is often about familiarity.

If you are there at bedtime, could you take the dirty clothes and put out fresh clean ones for the morning? I know how difficult it is as I worked, for most of my life, with the elderly mentally ill.

Ah I do know from personal and professional experience how difficult this is. I'm afraid all you can do is gently reassure and cajole and accept small concessions from her rather than wanting her to change all her clothes at once. I found some people really didn't want to take of any clothes as they felt the cold. Sometimes it comes better from a carer or support worker than family. I'm sorry not to have the definitive answer its all trial and error I'm afraid but insisting and getting cross will make things worse. I'm so sorry - I have been there and I know how frustrating and distressing it is. Best wishes.