Retired but no time to myself

In my case it's not me that retired at 60 but my husband, and although it felt odd at first having him around all day for the first time in our 30 years together (I work from home), and I of course want him to stay fit and active, I now think that he is in a similar position to Chris. My mother has moved near us and is very demanding and my husband has a few voluntary roles that he treats with the same over-conscientiousness he did his paid job. He seems to be being taken advantage of, and I as usual come some way down his priority list, but feel it's selfish to mention this (except here!). My husband has several health conditions that could kill him early, so I wish he would spend more time enjoying himself - but his own nature and upbringing seem to make that impossible.

Say "no" it's easy after a coupe of times. Do what you want to do end of story.

I'm with Oakleaf here in wondering how all these chores and demands were managed before you retired? Was everybody sitting waiting to pounce on your 'big day'? I would simply say to all the 'users' sorry, but this is getting out of hand and I'm not going to be necessarily available in future. Then have a creditability gap and think what you really fancy doing and go for it. Takes courage after the way you've started and may ruffle a few feathers but discussed rationally with people who care for you should result in a happy compromise for everyone. Certainly hope so. Good luck!

Try making a timetable and stick to it. If you want to go to the gym book regular classes and say I'd love to help however I am at gym that morning same with any other interests and holidays just book them the world will still keep turning. ?

How did they all manage before you retired? They coped without you then so why can't they do it now?

Think about joining stuff like U3A, WI. local gym. Treat these things almost like a job. They are in your diary and if you are asked to do something on one of those dates then you can politely refuse but you are genuinely doing something else on that date. It gives you choices and you will also make lots of new friends, your social life will pick up and you will be reminded that 'life is not a rehearsal'.

chris4159 How did you cope before retirement ?Were you expected to be in such demand then as you are now? If the answer is NO then you only have yourself to blame for your lack of 'me' time. Get your priorities right before you run yourself into the ground You clearly have adult children what are they doing while your retirement is being eaten up by the demands of others and most important get H to pull his weight.

Hi please put yourself first and say 'No'. You've earned the right to enjoy your retirement your way not to be called upon by all and sundry to care for them. As for those who don't contribute to costs tell them you can't afford it now you're on a reduced income following retirement.

Chris4159 - I know how you feel - mine is self inflicted though because I took early retirement when my ex son in law walked out on my daughter leaving her with the three GC and trying to work full time in a demanding job to keep her house. I am busy all the time with school runs and shopping/cleaning etc. I have created a gap though by joining a local charity as a volunteer. Wednesday mornings are 'mine' - unless one of the kiddies is sick and unable to go to school. I love being a volunteer, it is completely different to what I do every day and I get to talk to other adults (which is a bonus!). I only have one GC at Junior School and I have already said to my DD that once she too is in Senior School (18 months to go) I want to go and do a degree course at our local University - DD is happy for me to do that and she has had plenty of notice that is what I want to do. I do think that is the secret to managing expectations - you need to take control, have a diary and make some time for you - we have a local taxi service that specialises in taking people to and from appointments be that at the hospital/dentist/shops called Driving Miss Daisy UK - their charges are very reasonable for the service they give and they can be trusted to turn up - if there is a branch or similar service by you I would recommend getting your relatives to try booking with them instead. Wearing yourself out is not going to help anyone when it all becomes too much to deal with so, if you can, wean them off being dependent on you so much - my DGC (15, 12 and 9) are now tasked with cooking Saturday lunch between the three of them for DD and me and them, nothing grand, just hot dogs in buns , but it makes a difference to me as it is so nice to have something done for you!

I had this phase of my life long before retirement, running around taking care of elderly, infirm parents, cleaning elderly aunt's cupboards and floors, earning a living and solving problems for grown-up DS.

The others are right: say no!
The parents of your grandchildren are presumably related to the elderly people you mention and should assume some of the burden of looking after them.

Anyone over the age of twelve can do shopping, and most 10 year olds can show great-aunt etc. how to order groceries online and have them delivered.

Next time anyone asks you to drive them anywhere, say politely, "I'm sorry, unless you pay the petrol which will be such-and- such, I am afraid I cannot afford to take you anywhere"

You are still cheaper and more convenient than a taxi and petrol is not free, as you well know.

It amazes me how many Adult children seem to expect their parents to be their indentured servants!
Is this a new problem? I don’t recall having or expecting even a third of the help from my parents that has been expected from my DH and myself nor from friends who tell a similar tale.
I realise that lots of adult parents are working and very busy but so was I and never expected any regular help?

Madgran77....her husband is going what mine is ...SOD ALL!

‘Doing’...oops

Seems to be the norm when you —stop working— retire. I’m in a similar situation. Did say I would not commit myself to babysitting, but was stupid enough to say I would help in emergencies and now have ended up helping out 3 days a week. Also help out with elderly fil 2-3 days a week. Combine this with dog sitting and running people about etc. and sometimes I wish I was back at work as at least I would get paid there.

Tell that husband of yours to help out. He sounds so bloody lazy letting you do all this while he watches daytime tv. Does he ever have dinner waiting when you get home? If not why not....

Chris I feel exhausted just reading your post, to have taken on so much in such a short time, well.... I guess your best bet would be to start cutting back slowly. Christmas could be the first excuse with all the shopping and preparations so you can't visit every day or do every school pick up - what did they all do before you retired? Do have a serious chat with your OH unless he is ill surely he could visit the older family members at least.

How did all these people manage before you retired? You remind me of my own mum who could never say NO or often volunteered her help before it was even requested, then grumbled about how busy she was with no time for herself. She was so kind but maybe enjoyed being a bit of a martyr really.

I'm feeling soooo tired just reading all that. Just say no.

Learn to put yourself first and say no, no and no again!
As has already been mentioned, how did they all manage before you retired?
You will soon suffer burnout and make yourself ill.
Continuing being a martyr or start living your retirement as you had planned.
I don’t blame your husband. If you want to spend your life running around others that’s your choice.
What does he say about your situation?
I hope that you make the right decision for yourself . You have worked hard and now it is time for “ me time “

How could they all be so selfish to take such advantage of you?
Maybe they're just not psychic!
If you ask someone about something and they sound keen and willing, why wouldn't you believe them?

Having lived through the exact same problem.
First say I'm not going to be free Wednesday ever that's my day,then tell each older family member exactly when you can take them anywhere i.e.I can take you shopping Monday a.m. otherwise I'm not free due to other commitments,do the same for each person and they get used to it,you sort of have to train them.See if you can then re-train your husband,I fractured my arm and it was amazing how much my husband had to do and after that he actually started to help with driving--------the family is his too,next join a fun group that you HAVE to go to and start to enjoy yourself,arrange coffee with friends then you just say I have an appointment if anyone ask you to do stuff.The very best of luck.

For goodness sake woman, stop being such a doormat. Go on an assertiveness course, boot your husband off the sofa (cut the plug off the TV if you have to), and make sure that you fill YOUR time with things YOU want to do. Stop whining "poor me" and grab your life with both hands. You've obviously been a martyr to your family all your life and they still expect you to be. Disappoint them!

For those saying “just say no”, it is not that simple depending on your upbringing and personality. I was brought up to say yes to all requests and was so afraid of the consequences of saying no that it has become the habit of a lifetime. Dealing with guilt tripping, sulking and bad temper after saying no makes it easier to say yes. But it is possible to change ..... I asked someone I had helped a great deal for years, for a favour when my parent was terminally ill (the first time I had asked and I was desperate). When my request was refused (would have taken an hour and a half at a critical time) I suddenly found myself able to say no. Now I ask myself, would they help me in return? So I only help in real emergencies or if it is something I would enjoy doing. Ie boring things like staying in all day for deliveries, cleaning, shopping. Get items delivered in the evening, pay a cleaner, or keep it clean yourselves, shop online. Emergencies always excepted. I am actually more appreciated and wish I had realised sooner.

Do,please ease up, Chris. You will get run down and prone to illness. Set limits and stick to them.

I'm normally (touch wood) pretty healthy, but last year I was so shattered after a lot of very small child care (it was an emergency situation when the even smaller one was in hospital for a week) that I felt like a wet rag afterwards, promptly caught a really awful cold, which was followed almost immediately by shingles!
Which meant I was no use to anyone for quite a while.

I'm convinced it was only because I was so worn out to start with.

Chris419 - no use moaning when you allow yourself to be put upon.

Sorry, but whilst I empathise with the feeling tired bit, I'm beginning to suspect that you enjoy being "needed" really.

Make your mind up about how you really want to spend your retirement - you're in charge! And get that husband of yours to be more active. Unless he's disabled or not well sitting in front of a TV every day can't be good for his future health.