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Is DD MIL being unreasonable?

(24 Posts)
Lizzies Sat 15-Dec-18 15:53:14

My DH has been ill for most of this year and we have now been told that the cancer is incurable and all they can do is try to keep it under control. DD’s sister in law has also been ill and their MIL has told DD’s husband that they are nasty people because they have not been texting or calling SIL to see how she is doing and have not sent a get well card. They do ask after her when calling MIL ,who lives near her and looks after her 2 kids when needed, and send their best wishes. DD lives in Midlands, we live in North and MIL and SIL live South. DD already feels guilty that she can’t get to see her dad as often as she can and now her Grandad has broken his hip and he is even further away than us. She rang me sobbing the other day and had to be sent home from work. Is her MIL being unreasonable?

lemongrove Sat 15-Dec-18 16:01:45

What do you think Lizzies ?

dragonfly46 Sat 15-Dec-18 16:04:05

This is a hard one.
You are all living with your own problems and it is hard to encompass other problems around you. Your DD's MiL is just seeing things from her point of view not from yours as she is not directly affected by your husband's illness.

It is a shame that your son in law conducts his conversations through his mother. If I were her I would hope that he could contact his sister directly. As a parent we want our children to get on. She is wrong to say they are nasty as this will antagonise them but if it were my children I would give them a gentle nudge and remind your son in law to text his sister or call her. I would also be ringing you to see how you and your husband are getting on.

I recently became ill and I had calls from everyone in the family including my son's mother in law.

I am so sorry for you and your husband and I hope they can contain the cancer for a long time.

SueDonim Sat 15-Dec-18 16:06:43

Surely it's your son-in-law's duty to contact his sister, not your daughter's? I must admit, if I was seriously ill and my siblings hadn't been in touch, I probably would be a bit hurt. So I see it from both sides, really.

hulahoop Sat 15-Dec-18 16:09:54

I think she is , sounds like your dd as enough problems of her own and from what you say they do ask about .it sounds like you are all having a horrid time and things can be said in haste maybe if she can manage to find time a card with a few words may stop any more escalating of these feelings mil as .sorry to hear about your dh Lizzies 💐

Granny23 Sat 15-Dec-18 16:11:37

Surely it is your DD's husband who should be in touch with HIS sister? You have heard the 'Nasty' remark at third hand. I understand that you are upset for your DD but I don't think having a go at her MIL is called for. MIL is also under enormous stress and is upset for HER DD. A time for the whole family to pull together, support and make allowances for each other.

hulahoop Sat 15-Dec-18 16:11:41

Sorry predictive texts have changed some words blooming thing !

agnurse Sat 15-Dec-18 16:39:54

1. It's not your DD's job to contact her SIL.

2. How often they do or do not contact SIL is none of MIL's business.

MissAdventure Sat 15-Dec-18 16:43:50

I don't think anyone is being unreasonable.
You're all under a lot of pressure, so its time to all try and support one another as best you can.

Lizzies Sat 15-Dec-18 17:41:54

Sorry I haven’t been clear. It’s my SIL’s brother’s wife who is ill and she has her own mother and sisters nearby. The message that they were nasty was told to SIL who told DD. When SIL told his mother DD was upset she said he shouldn’t have told her if she’s so fragile.

BlueBelle Sat 15-Dec-18 17:50:26

Blimey Chinese whispers 🤔

Jalima1108 Sat 15-Dec-18 18:04:19

I may have to draw a flow chart as I'm having difficulty following this.
Is it me?

It's not your DD's job to contact her SIL.
I am shocked by that remark agnurse

It would just be a nice thing to do.

notanan2 Sat 15-Dec-18 18:08:37

Sending your "best wishes" second hand via your parents to your sick sibling/sib-in-law is at best cold, at worst a kick in the teeth. Im not surprised they are hurt and angry.

notanan2 Sat 15-Dec-18 18:11:26

You son in law needs to grow up and speak to his sibling/SIL DIRECTLY
Your DDs MIL must be fed up with the lot of them..

Newmom101 Sat 15-Dec-18 18:12:55

Depends entirely on the relationship they have with your son in laws brother & wife. If quite close then yes it's odd and a bit mean. If not very close and rarely see each other then I don't think it's a problem.

Madgran77 Sat 15-Dec-18 19:20:07

agnitse why on earth would it not be appropriate for Dd to contact her SIL. This is about relationships for goodness sake

Pythagorus Sat 15-Dec-18 19:30:55

It’s not really about your DD. It’s about your SIL. It’s up to him to contact his sister.

I would keep out of it and let the SIL deal with his own family.

M0nica Sat 15-Dec-18 20:17:53

At times like this everyone is distressed and upset and dealing with other problems, and also very sensitive to anything anyone else says.

The council of perfection is to say, accept that it is a a time when everyone in a moment of stress will say unfair or unpleasant things or see things in a negative way and after a short period of being upset, forget it.

agnurse Sat 15-Dec-18 21:23:46

I never said it wasn't appropriate for DD to contact her SIL. That would be a very nice gesture, certainly. What I meant was that if MIL wants to criticize, she should be directing her criticism at the actual biological sibling, not the IL. Many families have a "you handle yours, I'll handle mine" approach. We do, for example. Now, my MIL is lovely, but let's say my SIL's husband became seriously ill. Would it be appropriate for MIL to chew me out because I didn't say anything to them? (For the record: my MIL is lovely and I doubt she would ever do this.)

Madgran77 Sun 16-Dec-18 09:44:30

agnurse thanks for explanation. I don't think its appropriate re "chew me out" but if MIL wanted to discuss the possibility of making contact to help them along the way through difficult times, seems fine to me (I know this MIL appears not to have done that) We do not operate a "you handle yours, I'll handle mine" approach in our family which may be why you and I see this differently.

I hope it works out for the OP

Tooglamtogiveadamn Sun 16-Dec-18 16:11:54

The MIL sounds horrible! She should be pestering her son to phone HIS sister, not your DD to phone her SIL. Your DD has no obligation to phone her, she’s not her family. The MIL should realise that it is her son that she should be bullying. The SIL is not your DD’s family, why should she contact her? Your son in law should phone his sister, your DD shouldn’t be expected to deal with other people’s relatives! Ridiculous! Your poor DD.

Buffybee Sun 16-Dec-18 16:56:50

If I'm following correctly, it's the OP's Son in Laws, brothers wife who is ill. So quite honestly your Daughter 's Mil should have had words with her own Son, not have a dig at your Daughter.
So going to your original question, Yes, in my opinion your Daughters Mil is being unreasonable.
Also, saying to her son that he should not have passed on her comments to your Daughter, "if she's so fragile" sounds , quite frankly, bitchy.
As you say, she has enough to worry about with her Dad being ill.
After saying all this, if I was you and your Daughter, I'd let it go and concentrate on your own family. flowers

Jalima1108 Mon 17-Dec-18 13:15:25

You all have a lot to contend with at the moment Lizzies.

I don't know how close the two young women are and how ill the sister-in-law is, but under the circumstances, with all you and your DD have to contend with, perhaps your son-in-law should be the one keeping in touch with his brother to see how things are going with them.

How often does your DD's MIL contact you to enquire how you all are? Has she enquired after your FIL at all since he broke his hip?

I'm sorry that you're having a bad time, perhaps this woman is just stressed at the moment and having to do more childcare too.
However, I don't think she should have stirred up trouble when everyone is distressed on both sides of the family.

OutsideDave Mon 24-Dec-18 00:37:32

Her MIl is being awful, but I’m guessing it’s not new that she’s behaving inappropriately. Considering all DD is struggling with, it’s SILs role to handle supporting his brother and his wife; not his wife’s. It’s not MILs place, and if SIL was my friend I’d tell him he should tell his mom to put a cork in it and not meddle (and please stop passing on nastygrams to his wife!). Support your Dd and take care of yourself as best you can.