mean relative

Reading the posts, it's funny how some bad or difficult incidents from many years ago stay in the memory. I can remember situations that annoyed me when I can hardly remember the good parts. That's awful.

Ultimately do you want her to visit. You know the score so under those terms, invite her..... or not.
If you do invite her but don't want to pay for a meal out etc, then don't arrange to go out. If she says she's arranged for you all to go out.... then decline and say why.
Whilst no one is open and honest with her she can't choose to amend her ways.

'A bit highly strung'. What does this mean? Has she always avoided really partaking as a grown up? Perhaps she considers she is an entitled princess because this seems to be how the whole family collude in preserving. Try true assertion, 'Daphne your behaviour in not ever giving a gift, or paying your contribution at any family event distresses me'. Then wait for the fallout, twenty minutes of avoidant response of all kinds will spill out, running off and slamming doors etc. You have to stay calm and resolute and stay firmly with the distress she has bought about in decades of immature behaviour. She may be a splitter and try to divide others against you, you need the support of her brother your husband. It will be a chance to change her behaviour or no longer give good goodies to a taker.

Dont invite again, end of story!

Slightly off topic but a similar type of situation - I’m going out tonight in Malaga with a group of ladies - 8 of us in total for dinner in a restaurant. I’m already dreading the ‘well I only had water/one glass of wine/no dessert/just coffee conversations when the bill arrives at the table. I know I’d like a G&T on arrival, pre dinner so I’ve already decided to head to the bar and buy it before I sit down .... the comments on here about givers & takers just reminded me of what it will be like (again) tonight. It sort of spoils the evening for me. One lady in particular opens her purse and counts out her exact money ‘here’s my €... as I only had ‘x and y’ ’.... then someone has to remind her that a small tip would be nice....

I had an aunt who made life difficult for us all because my mother had been brought up to never upset her, by criticizing anything her sister did or said.

As an adult I refused to conform to the don't upset your aunt policy and told her politely if her behaviour annoyed or upset me. After a while my aunt did try to modify her behaviour.

You have the option of telling your sister-in-law that from now on when she comes to visit which you hope she still will want to, you really must ask her to contribute something, as you and your husband are finding it difficult to manage on your pensions. Add that regretfully you will need to give much smaller presents in the future.

If you don't say anything, things won't change.

Your other options are either to grin and bear it, or to invite her less frequently and only for short visits. "We find it too tiring to have visitors very often at our age".

Speaking of mean, how about the £300 millions worth of D.Beckham allowing his sister to sell her possessions because she's short of money ? Can this be right ?

Urmstongran - That reminds me of one friend who always wants to split the bill when she’s chosen the most expensive starter, main, pud & drinks but when I opted for a couple of glasses of wine when she had iced tap water as she was driving, she happily let me do a quick calculation and put three tenners down to include a tip!

Must be a coke head and feeding her habit!

I'd go to the bar and bring her a glass of water, give her small meals of cheap beans on toast -
It's small wonder she can afford to have £12k worth of teeth if you're funding her outgoings...

Carolina55 you are so right. It can be a mine field of poor behaviour. I usually don’t bother with dessert or coffee but those that do often say ‘but I only had one glass of wine’ and don’t like to split the bill. I’ve noticed this before when out (always women on their own) and once at a nearby table one lady got out her calculator! No class. And don’t start me on the ladies who then say ‘well I have to watch my outgoings these days’. *Sigh. I know dear, don’t a few of us but this is an ‘occasion’ it’s why we’re out!! Dispiriting.

Just don't invite her again -- Problem solved.
If you keep doing it she will carry on being the person she is. She gets away with it by making a big fuss and saying she is so sensitive, that is how she plays with you. She is your sister in law but what are the husbands in the family doing about it.

The best way to sort this is to agree that you each pay for your own, then no problem at all.
Maybe you can start the ball rolling and you may find that most of the others agree and are grateful you brought it up.

I totally agree about splitting the bill equally between friends but sometimes it isn’t fair to do so. I went on a birthday meal last year with a crowd of about 16, only 5 of them I knew. I drove people there and home so didn’t drink. The bill was split equally and I was happy to chip in to pay for the birthday girl’s meal, not so happy to share the cost of 3 bottles of wine she and 2 friends drank and tbh didn’t really feel that I should have to contribute to the 3 pints of lager the bloke (I didn’t know) sat opposite me supped. My share of the bill was £18 more than the cost of my meal! Everyone else said what good value it was ! I would never say, “hang on a minute..” on my behalf but would definitely have done for someone else if they were in that position. I don’t think it’s meanness to not want to pay for other people’s drinks when you’re their driver.

I feel for you. Similar thing happened a few years back. I invited a friend to stay with us for 5 nights. Before she arrived she listed everything she liked to eat (and I was pleased as I would have hated to have given her something that she didnt like) we had to go shopping to get some fresh things when she was here and she filled the basket with things she wanted and stood back and let me pay. We then went out for meals, went on excursions etc and every time just stood and let me pay. The day she was flying home she even asked if I could do her a packed lunch as she wasnt going to pay airport prices. We incurred car parking prices when we picked her up and took her pack to the airport, coffee and cake in the airport while she waited to check in,and toll prices there and back. Don’t get me wrong I would have happily paid for these things, but the most important thing was she never once offered to pay or even say thank you. Thats what got me the most.

I hope you feel better after venting and all the advice. Seems we all have one such person in our lives.

The one that beats the others in my life is my brother. Many years ago we were discussing why my parents did so much for him and not for me. They didn't contribute to my wedding and didn't buy us a present but they paid for most of my brother's wedding and also my sister's. He simply said it was because we always looked like we didn't need it and he made a point of looking poor and asked her for money! He seemed to think that was OK.

Life is full of givers and takers.

It's those with little to spare who give the most !!

When I was a child, I had an uncle with a top job for an oil company. He was provided with palatial accommodation in America and elsewhere; owned a yacht in the Caribbean; and a holiday villa in Provence (true!). It used to drive his brother in law - my father - wild when he came to stay for a week (whenever he was in the UK) in our ordinary three bed northern suburban semi, as he never contributed anything. Also,as he would never go to the expense of a hire car, Dad would lend him our family car so he and his second wife could go off exploring on their own. He always returned it with an empty petrol tank, and I remember Dad's annoyance once, when he gave my mother - as a thank you for having him -and cooking for him all week - a small notepad with pencil!

Conversely, in later life, we have made a friend from a distance whose health and circumstances are far from enviable. We are glad to pay all expenses when he visits, as he is good company, never takes anything for granted, is undemanding, and very appreciative. He also always insists on buying each of us an inexpensive - but always very thoughtful - small present just before his departure, as he cannot return hospitality in his own home.And he is good at keeping in touch.

I know which man I have most admiration for....

We have a friend who, admittedly, is significantly better off than us but we don't go out with him any more because he always insists on paying.

EV I have heard that said before but how could any of us know? I don't tell anyone what I give why would someone with little tell what they give? You can't always rely on what people say. I once worked somewhere where they decided that instead of giving each other Christmas cards we would all put money in a charity box. No one gave cards and when the box was opened the only money in it was what I had put there!

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Chucky - it always amuses me when people say let’s split the bill before ordering and then go on to order lots of expensive food and drink without a thought on how some one else might struggle financially with a blow out meal. That’s apart from being unable to eat as much as when we were all younger - I rarely eat a 3 course meal these days! I’ve seen a few come a cropper when somebody braver than me has insisted on paying for their own food +tip leaving the ‘splitter’ to pay their fair share! I even had to sub someone a tenner once as they hadn’t enough cash so it was obviously something planned and probably not the first time!

In the 15 years we lived in Spain we had many people invite themselves over to stay. We would pick them up at the airport, tolls, petrol and parking. They would then stay for a week or 10 days with us providing everything plus trips out etc and plenty of booze. Some people would buy us a meal at the end of the trip probably 25/30 euros each.

The whole thing cost us a fortune and a lot of work. For really good friends we didn't mind but it was amazing how many people crawled out of the woodwork. In the end we put a stop to it and kept it to family only.

A lot of people felt they had paid their air fare and everything else should be provided.

Carolina - this really makes me mad. Couldn’t go on a night out with workmates as had to work. My friend told me later that one workmate just had Lasagne and a can of coke (which cost about £18). Another (who had organised it) had 3 courses then Liquer coffee as well as several glasses of wine. At the end of the night the organiser got the bill and asked everyone for £48!! Nobody turned round and said anything as they didn’t want to upset her as she was our Manager. Needless to say I never went on any of the nights out unless it was a fixed price meal, as did quite a few others who had been there.

I think 'splitting the bill' is fine between good friends who have similar incomes etc. but works do's are different. Better to pre-agree on a fixed price meal and pay for your own drinks.
I go out regularly with a group of friends and we all have very different disposable incomes so it is accepted that we pay our own way..even if we all have the same thing!