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mean relative

(56 Posts)
Catlover123 Fri 04-Jan-19 11:32:56

just needed to vent! had my sister-in-law to stay for a week and not only did she arrive empty-handed but she never picked up the tab when we went out for drinks ect it just makes me so annoyed as we never go to hers without taking wine and food and often buy shopping when we are there. We are all retired but she seems to think that we must be better off than her so she is not under any obligation to give us anything! It's not so much the 'stuff' but the attitude of ingratitude that gets me., just a token present would be warmly received. She is not that badly off, she had teeth implants last year that cost her £12k. Other people in the family have said the same thing too, but because she is a bit highly strung no-one wants to upset her.

MrsJamJam Fri 04-Jan-19 11:45:00

You have my sympathy. My youngest brother is just the same, never chips in for anything, never says thank you. He is 56 but still regards himself as a dependent child! We just see as little of him as possible, remind ourselves that he isn't going to change now, and grumble to each other to let off steam. Some people just seem to be born selfish.

Lynne59 Fri 04-Jan-19 11:48:26

What a leech! My husband's sister is similar - she works, as do we - but in the 40 years I've been with my husband, she's had us to her house on 2 occasions. We have taken her out for meals, bought her presents for birthdays, all that. No more. Her own (adult) children are sick of her too.

You can either:
1. Carry on doing what you do, and she won't alter.

2. Have her to your house, but ask her to bring some food or to contribute in some way.

3. Don't have her to your house again.

mumofmadboys Fri 04-Jan-19 14:35:07

I think you should go on modelling good behaviour ie taking flowers/ wine when you go to hers. Maybe if she stays with you you could pay for drinks out one day and the next day say 'would you like to pay today as we paid yesterday' smiling sweetly. On the other hand you may feel it is not worth a possible fallout!!

sodapop Fri 04-Jan-19 15:10:05

If you don't want to upset her then there is nothing more to be said. catlover.
If you want to make a point then just take a small token gift when you visit her or as
Lynne59 said ask her directly to bring a contribution. Sounds like this behaviour is entrenched though and not likely to change.

Baggs Fri 04-Jan-19 15:18:29

If your sister-in-law's behaviour irks you so much I think perhaps you should reciprocate with the absence of contributions when (if) you go to her. If she brings the subject up, you could say that you thought that's how she preferred things (without adding "since it's the way you behave").

Worth a try?

Grammaretto Fri 04-Jan-19 15:32:42

That is quite mean but I think it may be caused by her position in the family. Does she think of you as the older, wiser and richer older "sister?"
I have a younger BiL who wouldn't think to bring us anything or offer to pay but if I ask him to bring something he would.
If my big sister offers to pay, I don't argue. Old habits die hard.

Saggi Sat 05-Jan-19 09:12:13

Selfish people are toxic....don’t let her turn you into something you don’t want to be...if you insist on seeing her keep it civil...personally I would see less and less of her. Like I don’t need it. It’s my NYR to stay away from all toxic people...they debilitate and erode your own personality.

GabriellaG54 Sat 05-Jan-19 09:13:56

Ok, vent but if you don't want it to continue you know what to do.
Never mind the the fact that she's highly strung. Don't take any stuff to her house next time you're invited and if she has a fit, walk out. She'll soon learn.
All you're doing is facilitating her behaviour.
Venting doesn't solve the problem so I guess, as this isn't the first time, you don't mind it continuing.

LJP1 Sat 05-Jan-19 09:20:31

Giving is more blessed than receiving.

Don't waste your energy on resentment; enjoy your moral high ground!

edsnana Sat 05-Jan-19 09:26:09

My sister in law used to come for at least a week at Christmas, she'd bring the cheapest, smallest xmas pud, and one year when I said it would suit us if she went home on the Tuesday, (3 days after xmas) she told everyone I'd thrown her out!

lovebeigecardigans1955 Sat 05-Jan-19 09:29:25

I would add that you reap as you sow. If family and friends get so fed up with this they'll visit less often, eventually dropping off altogether and she'll probably wonder why!
There must be a way to convey how you feel without causing offence. Could you just visit her without gifts and say nothing? If she says something add that money is a bit tight at the moment. Then never contribute again. It seems mean but will stop you from being taken for a ride. Who knows? She may then bring something next time she visits you, but I wouldn't hold my breath.

Fflaurie Sat 05-Jan-19 09:35:42

Why are you worried about upsetting her, you don't like her and it wouldn't be a void in your life would it?

Allykat1946 Sat 05-Jan-19 09:36:11

There are people in this world that are takers and think nothing of it. They use people but give little or nothing in return.. but they still think that they are nice people and feel very offended if you let them know how selfish they are. I was naturally a very thoughtful and giving person but years of being taken for granted I have now in my old age changed quite a bit and am not in such a hurry to volunteer my services and will now wait to be asked to help out etc.
I found the more one helps the more others expect..

tiredoldwoman Sat 05-Jan-19 09:44:37

Grammaretto. My goodness , you've answered the puzzle of my family ! I've always felt inferior to my sisters - 62 years , but it's my birth order ! I feel enlightened !

Urmstongran Sat 05-Jan-19 10:01:26

You mentioned your SIL Lynne59 in my NY resolution thread. I think she finally got to you last year & now you’ve decided not to spend time with people you don’t like. Good call IMO.

Blackcat3 Sat 05-Jan-19 10:19:51

Have her to your home, but don’t go out for drinks etc.....nor offer them at home....if she says anything...say you can’t afford it but if she’s paying that would be a lovely treat! Also when you visit her, take and pay for nothing. Again if anything is said ....say we pay when you come to us....... My SiL was the same....arrived for a week one Christmas with a jar of marmalade.....went to the pub with my (now ex) husband while I prepared all the meals....I was 3 months pregnant.....paid for nothing....came for another week when my son was born and had me looking after her as well as a two week old baby!.....and invited us to her house.....for a day.....exactly 3 times in the 20+ years we were married, yet she happily came to us several times each year! I felt it was up to my ex, her brother to say something but he never did.....but I think it was the way she was brought up....MiL was just as mean! Yes we could afford it and were better off than her, but as you say it was the ingratitude and selfishness that irked me.

Barmeyoldbat Sat 05-Jan-19 10:22:41

Don't invite her to stay.

mummsymags Sat 05-Jan-19 10:32:07

grammaretto I am the 'baby' in my family and spent years feeling inferior to and dependent on my older siblings (through no fault of theirs). When I divorced and brought up my family by myself I discovered that I am quite capable and wise!
So, catlover123 maybe facing the facts would do her a favour - be direct and ask her to be the one to host. No need for raised voices just "Would you like to take a turn?" during normal conversation - she may not have the confidence to take it on. I know I didn't for years.

JanaNana Sat 05-Jan-19 10:56:42

There has always been people who do the giving, the ones who not only give treats and gifts etc. but often help out willingly in various ways as well. Then you have the takers, who seem to expect everything to revolve around themselves without apparently any thought for any one else's feelings or effort that might have gone into something done for them. A bit of appreciation goes a long way.
Only you can decide if you are going to let this continue, I would be more specific about the length of time she stays if she is going to stay with you again! Perhaps it might not be convenient for you to have her visit for a whole week in the future, but a long weekend or couple of days instead. Some people are thick skinned and can't take a hint, whereas others deliberately so and you will have to more assertive.

Kalu Sat 05-Jan-19 10:57:07

If someone is ill mannered enough not to even bring a gift as a thank you for the invitation, time and trouble you have gone to making them welcome and the visit went downhill from day one due to their selfish behaviour. That would be their last invitation.

I can’t abide selfish people. Highly strung is no excuse to treat any host with such an attitude.

chris8888 Sat 05-Jan-19 11:11:09

Some people are just takers so dont invite her again and tell her why.

LuckyFour Sat 05-Jan-19 11:23:49

It can be irksome when people don't pay their share, it leaves a really bad taste even if you have quite a nice time otherwise.

luluaugust Sat 05-Jan-19 11:23:52

The most simple thing is surely not to take anything when you next go to visit her, don't pass any remark about it and if she suggests an outing sit it out and wait for her to pay. In other words no more than she does. Saying anything would take things to a different level and it depends how far you want to take it, any chance you could be a bit highly strung yourself on occasion?

sazz1 Sat 05-Jan-19 11:29:43

When I stayed with my friend I don't take anything but take her out for a pub lunch every day. Also take her shopping as she doesn't drive. Works out well.