Worried about Granddaughter

I'm pleased that your Gd is feeling a bit more positive and has made an appointment with her Doctor.
When posters mentioned sending her a tenner, it was so she could treat herself, go to the cinema or buy some make up, just something to give her a boost.
The same as if a friend was feeling down, you would send them some flowers maybe.
Some suggested sending a parcel of some treats and bits and pieces to lift her spirits as well.
When my twin Gd's are going back to Uni after a break, I make them 6 containers of my Chicken Curry each. They say that sometimes, if they've had a hard day, they'll get one out of the freezer and it's like a little piece of home and comforts them.
My daughter sends surprise parcels also, which they love.
Luckily, they haven't had any mental health problems but we've had plenty of tearful phone calls, stressing because of exams and the pressure of it all.
It's hard on them, they're still very young to move away from home and totally look after themselves and shop and cook and wash clothes and clean and live with other people and study and deadlines and exams looming.
It can be overwhelming for them!

Hi Lyndiloo I discussed this thread with a close relative who, like your granddaughter, suffered from debilitating depression during his years at university. His comment was that what helped most was the limitless love and acceptance of his whole family; shown through phone calls, visits, letters, financial help and most especially his parents involving themselves in proactively accessing help for him when his ability to make good decisions was compromised by the illness.

I do hope your granddaughter finds the GP is helpful, but would urge you to discuss the possibility of her also getting help from the university.

I remember being unhappy at uni and I got a lift with another student who was going to London and called in on my grandmother on spec. Goodness knows what I would have done if she had not been in! She was delighted to see me; and I remember that weekend with fondness. I learned a lot of family history and we chatted the time away - and she fed me royally!

I had never had time or space to chat to her before as all visits were family ones and my Mum hated her, so things were a bit strained.

Grandparents do have a role; and I am glad that you have had a chat with her and that she knows the channel of communication is open. I am sure it meant a lot to her.

I think money was suggested as a gift to show you care and students are often short of money. Could equally well be chocolates or something to wear/ make up. The good thing is she has done something proactive and seen her GP for a review and she has been happy to chat to you. Hopefully things will improve.

That sounds really positive Lyndiloo. I agree about sending money - unless you think she is short and needs a boost. It sounds as if you’ve done the right thing, just being there and in her corner.

Thank you all for your advice. Yes, I have been in contact, and she has made an appointment with her doctor to review her medication. We had a long chat, and she seems to be much more positive now.
One thing about comments 'bothered' me a bit. Why do a lot of respondees talk about sending her money ...? (I've no objection to this - and do send money occasionally.) But it's as if 'money' would be a way out of this problem, and to my mind, this has nothing at all to do her prevailing mental problems.

It does sound as if no-one listens to her.
If she was talking nonsense when drunk, it would be understandable to forget it the next day, but she's been expressing legitimate concerns about her life and her course work.
Good exam results could be brought about by huge effort that she feels she can't keep doing. Or she may feel they have simply been luck, which can't be relied on.

As others have said, make regular contact with your granddaughter - phone, text, whatever - and let her know you support her and she can talk to you about anything.

As your dd seems to brush it off as just the drink talking I would take it upon myself to ring my dgd and chat to her myself. Could you go for a weekend trip to Scotland and suggest meeting up for a meal? It sounds to me like she is crying out for support. You could suggest she gets some counselling at University. Remind her you love her regardless of whether she gets her degree or not. Tell her she can ring you anytime. I would not discuss with your dd as you are entitled to have a separate relationship with your dgd. Please be the one to listen to her. I worked as a Sixth Form tutor for many years and it dismayed me how many parents pushed their children beyond what they could achieve and got very 'disappointed' and even 'angry' if they did not achieve an 'A' grade.

Hollydoilly I find your comments outrageous!'Antidepressants can make you morose and even more depressed than ever and don't work for most people'. Are you a doctor, a psychiatric nurse, a pharmacist or a research scientist? What do you base your opinion on?
Lindyloo. I hope your GD improves soon. Alcohol may well have caused her to over state the problems. Some antidepressants interact with alcohol so missing the tablet if planning to drink is a good decision as long as it is only the odd day

Keep in touch with her, let her know that you are there for her. It doesn't have to be spoken about, she just needs to know you're there and she can approach you at any time for any thing.

Just sitting down to sanity check one of my granddaughter's essays.

I would just keep quiet would be my advice.
Anti depressants can make you morose and even more depressed than ever and don't work for most people.
Just send her love and letters of encouragement to show her that you care.

Your granddaughter is at university. She is an adult. There is no need to involve her mother in this, if as you suspect, her mother attributes the young woman's behaviour to the fact that she had been drinking at New Year.

Write or phone to your granddaughter and tell her that you are worried by what she said when she was with you at New Year. Offer to help by listening to her concerns.

At lot of university students worry constantly about the demands of their courses and feel they are not doing well enough. I taught at university and have seen this quite often. The University has a student councillor she can talk to and get help to see her abilities in a proper perspective.

If your daughter gets to know of your intervention and complains I know what I would say if she were my daughter: "A fat lot of help you were, pooh-poohing the poor girl's worries. So I stepped in;,she's my granddaughter, you know."

I hope your granddaughter gets over her depression and stops drinking, unfortunately drink is part of the student culture, but it helps neither studies, depressions or anything else.

Don’t interfere, her own Mother is the one who knows her best.Natural for you to be concerned of course.
If she asks for your advice by phone text or email, then give it, not otherwise.

Welfare and counselling departments are very good, but they’re not family, and don’t love their clients unreservedly (at least they shouldn’t!). I agree with the others - keep in touch and let her know you’re not judgemental and can keep secrets.

As Rachand points out all Universities have a welfare & Counselling department as well as designated GPs all of whom are more than used to dealing with student problems. I would encourage her to contact her university's department in the first instance as well as keeping in close contact with her yourself. One of my DDs developed stress related eczema and had tremendous help from her Uni.

Think everyone is right, think she needs someone there to talk things over with.
Rather than sending cash you could get her a prepaid credit card sent to her then just top it up whenever you want to. They can then be spent mostly anywhere that takes cards but unlike a normal credit card you can’t buy with it if the money isn’t there.
Just search prepaid credit card and they will come up, used to use one myself

Hi Lyndiloo -
Can you email the money to her?
and send her a text to tell her you love her and have emailed her a little something just because.

I agree with those who say keep in touch with your granddaughter directly and not via your own daughter. I made a clear shift when they were about 16 that not everything went via their mum (my daughter) and it has paid dividends in building an adult relationship with them. Be where they are- texts, Facebook, instagram etc. Especially important if she is having issues. Be kind- she is only young and give them as much money at uni as you can. It's different from when we went.

If you are concerned she might self harm, ring up the Uni she’s at and ask to speak to Student Welfare, tell them your concerns, it will be kept private, but they do have trained counsellors and lots of experience on site and they should be able to keep an eye on her and offer help.

Very often pop money inside a card. I know there’s a small chance it can go missing but never happened yet.

If it was me in your situation i would most definitely keep in direct touch with your granddaughter, as you will have a different relationship with her than her mother does. Also she did comment no one listens to her so I’d pick up on that and be the one that does listen to her, i wouldn’t make a big deal of it by running it by her mother first either I’d just make contact.

I feel that today's world is very difficult for a lot of young girls. I have one 18 year old granddaughter who seems very grounded but have a 16 year old who often seems unhappy with life. I always try to show her how much I love her and she knows I am always happy to help.

How glad I am that I was born in a different age ?

I think the fate of a £10 note is the least of your worries just now!

Keep in touch with your Grandaughter and tell her how worried you are about her. You don't need to go via your daughter to do this. It will show that you care and love her