Advice re childcare arrangements with grandchildren

Tell DD that you've been enjoying having them so much that you didn't realise how much you have neglected the business, and that you'll have to work out a plan that will allow you to do 'a bit of both '. Include the fact that through your enjoyment, your income has reduced.

What other people think/disapprove is just not worth thinking about...ignore ...its YOUR life not theirs! However I would suggest thinking about the need for your daughter to build her capacity and strategies to cope with two children on her own … this part is HER life!

I think you need to be honest with your daughter re the problems that the present arrangements are causing (saying you want to do what you do but...) and then all of you work out together what the solutions are … involve her rather than just trying to solve it yourself and worrying. You are doing her and her husband a favour making THEIR lives easier etc ...it is their responsibility to find solutions, not just yours!

Hi GabriellaG54 - no I haven’t seen the programme you mention as we are over in Malaga at the moment. That said, we will be back in Urmston next week and I will be sure to check the programme out on catch up! Thank you very much for your thoughtful post. ?

DorothyL You make no further reference to SIl other than he works abroad. Permanent.?? but what ever the length of time DD is virtually a single parent ?
If as claimed you are 'poor' through giving DD your assistance then is it not time SIl was advised of this and the only one to do this is DD.

Does she really need al that help with 2 children?

That is an awful amount of help for someone who is not in such a bad situation.

I think you are making it harder for your dd to feel confident as a mother, actually.

You're very welcome.

My last post is to Urmstongran

Take no notice of other people's disapproval as it's none of their business.

Money - does your daughter know your financial position? Perhaps you could gently say that it is sometimes hard to devote sufficient time to your business.

It has always been a mystery why some of the females in our family found it difficult to cope after the birth of their babies and some, before. Of course, everyone was highly critical of them because even without the pregnancies, they hadn't always been the most active of people, tiring a little bit more than others at certain times, always having a bit of pain here, there and everywhere. Lazy and hypochondriacs!
However, one Dr recognised that mine and my sister's children were hypermobile (double-jointed) in their joints but as it was then labelled Benign Hypermobile Joint Syndrome, we thought nothing of it until my niece was being assessed by a group of specialists for a legal claim. When they got all her records together, they were able to say definitively that she had Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome Hypermobile Type. When they looked at all of us who were symptomatic, they found that most of us were had it to varying degrees. Unfortunately, my daughter had had a baby by that time and it brought about a collapse like you would never believe. It has taken her 7 years to recover. All the girls in our genetic family all had the same thing after having a baby...not enough energy to cope for quite a while after the birth. The moral of this tale is that harshness about Dorothy's daughter needing help for so long, might be for such a reason so please be a little less judgmental.

I think one or two of us asked if she was perhaps not well or there was another reason why she needed so much help, icanhandthemback

I like your username - but it doesn't seem as if the OP can do that!

Er ican most of us are asking in concern as it’s quite odd any woman needing that much support excluding physical or mental health issues

It’s quite legitimate to ask questions as this situation is extremely odd.

Just one point to make. It's great to spend time with your grandchildren and have a close relationship with them but do try to have other friends as well and make time for your own interests. It's not long before the children are at school and then a short time before they do not need minding at all. You will then not be needed and will have to start finding interests and friends. You can feel discarded if you are not careful. I have experienced this.

But we can only reply to what the OP tells us in the original post and any follow up ones.

If we were to try to triple, quadruple, hundruple guess all the possibilities that could lie behind an OP we would be completely unable to respond. All we can do is respond to the case as put by the OP and if she doesn't mention any physical or mental problems we must assume that they are not there.

Jalima1108, I hand mine back when I'm exhausted but after 2 years, I have had to cut my hours with my grandson, especially as I have another grandchild on the way and a very lonely grandaughter who needs more of my attention. I just wish I had the energy to do more.
Mycatisahacker, I don't have any problem with anybody asking questions, but a leap to judgement is what I urge against. The point was that from the outside, my female family looked reasonably normal and weren't even aware why they struggled more than others. If you have always lived your life feeling like you do, you think it is normal. In generations gone by, all the family would have stepped in, now it isn't the norm.
M0nica, I'm not second guessing but this condition is more widespread but not so obvious and mothers tend to know if their daughters are double-jointed. It might just be a lightbulb moment, you never know. There is nothing worse, as a parent, wondering why your daughter can't manage when everybody else's seems to. I also try to understand where the problem lies with kindness rather than pointing out she's an adult and shouldn't need her mother's help.

Unless the OP comes back and enlightens us we may never know.
There could be many reasons why this daughter needs more support than most.

Yes, I've heard of that ichtb but didn't realise just how incapacitating it can be.

DorothyL posted about the same time last year when her daughter was heavily pregnant. The older child is at school. Husband works abroad. Both families live quite close to each other but in a very isolated rural setting. Think in these circumstances daughter is otherwise very alone.

When my sister became a single parent 13 years ago, straight from hospital she moved in with my elderly mum, as she couldn’t cope with the baby. It was my mum who got up to feed him in the night every night, and looked after him in the day while my sister did nothing. She took advantage of my mum for 3 months, then went home, but still went round everyday for her meals. Fast forward 13 years, my mum is in her 80s now and in bad health, but my sister still goes round everyday for meals, and to off load her son, because she still can’t cope with being a parent. He’s a big lad, and has severe autism, he’s got a bond with my mum that he should have with my sister, and when mum dies he’s not going to cope with the loss.
Can you and your husband imagine still doing all this in 13 years time?
You need to step back a bit, your daughter and GC have their own home, and should be living in it. I help out with childcare 2 days a week while my daughter works full time, she has 4 children, and once a week or so, my husband and I, go to theirs and her partner cooks for us.
Your daughter is taking advantage I’m sorry to say, and you may enjoy it now, but the more you do, the more she’ll put on you.

Dorothy, You say you are "very poor". Your daughter's husband works abroad....is paid quite well I would assume. I don't see why she cannot contribute something towards the kids' food etc. There's nothing wrong with accepting a financial contribution from your daughter. I look after my daughter's children and occasionally my daughter will put £50 on the table for a "Chinese takeaway" for myself and the kids. It's not that she is paying me for looking after them ...it's just a little treat. I have looked after them since they were born. They are teenagers now.
I am divorced and although I am not poor, I am certainly not very well off .

I remember (vaguely) now Anja, thanks for the prompt

Thanks Nana and Grampy - I have done so now.

Thank you ICanHandThemBack for your kind and helpful comments. There are indeed complex reasons why my daughter finds it difficult to manage alone (I am afraid I cannot go into them here). Having said that, I take on what many comments say about the need for me to step back a bit at least to protect my own health, finances etc.
I am trying to think of ways to do this without leaving daughter in the lurch or distancing ourselves too much from our grandchildren, both of whom my husband and I have helped rear since birth, so we are all very close.

Thanks Anja for clarifying for me - I'm sorry for not giving full information but I didn't want to make my original post too long. If I told the whole story I would need to write a book! As I commented to ICanHandThemBack, there are complex reasons why daughter struggles to manage alone, which I am afraid I cannot go into here.

Thank you for your very considered, thoughtful helpful comment Goldenage

Thank you so much Breeze - your comment is very helpful and warm, much appreicated.

Thank you JanaNana for your kind and helpful comment.