Dil and her Mother

As the mother of both sons and daughters, I spend a lot of time with my girls, for them as much as seeing the DGC. I adore my DIL, but I fully expect her to need and turn to her own mother when they have children. I consider my self a back up to her mother (they live nearer us), and fully expect there to be lots of visits up to them, or visits down here from them. I love my son dearly - but we do not do the same sort of visits/bonding that I do with my daughters.

As someone else says it's not a competition. We know a couple who have to make sure that the grandparents have equal opportunities to babysit etc. Or they never hear the last of it.
They nearly had a breakdown over trying to make fair Christmas arrangements!!

My god. You think this is mean yet we’re called the snowflake generation.
I thought that this derogatory term (not coined by Gransnetters btw!) was intended for the so-called millennials so I wonder how old you are Bibbity?

I agree Marianne. I see it all the time on here. And all I ask myself is who’s the one who raised them

Bibbity, I hate the term “Snowflake generation”, it’s demeaning and rude. I’m afraid it’s the fault of the Media that is in our faces morning, noon and night and making this term normalised. I would never use this , however, as a baby boomer, the Media is always demeaning my generation as well.

Pinky57, please think back when you were a mum. The Daughter-in-law’s mum will always be closer and that’s the way it is. Try not to think about how many times the other Grandparents see the Grandson, as this will just get to you, (as it looks like it is). Accept that you see him and can take him swimming on your own, which is fantastic. Grandparents shouldn’t be competing.
I was so happy that my Grandson had lots of grandparent time with my daughter’s in laws as we lived too far away. Now that we live nearer, we are in his life more and I presume the in laws don’t see him as often, as it is usually us that babysit.

I think I can understand only too well why the DIL doesn’t want you babysitting after reading the post about your DH behaviour. I never let my MIL babysit either when mine were little as her opinions and those of my FIL were loudly stated and differed substantially from ours, plus there was alcohol involved there too. I am sure there are some unpleasant DILs out there of course, but sometimes we need to look at our own behaviour before we overreact to theirs.

If her mother wants to drive over every day to see her daughter & the gc as you put it! ..has nothing to do with you Pinky .It is irrelavant that you live 10 minutes away ,as others have stated you aren't her mum & it is normal for daughters to spend time with their own . I count myself lucky that I get on very well with my DILS & see my grandsons frequently, but I know they spend heaps more time with the other Grandparents.

It is very difficult to get this right. I used to feel really guilty that I saw so much more of my DGC & did 90% of all babysitting as we lived 10 mins away from them & DiL's parents were over an hour away. We all got on very well together & I really liked them. I felt even worse when her mum died unexpectedly- I felt guilty that she had not had much time with her GC but it wasn't our fault. She never gave any indication that she wanted to do more TBF but I still feel bad about it.

I can understand why you're upset as you feel left out - but DIL is bound to be closer to her own mother. However, all you can do is offer to babysit with a smile.
I really wouldn't say anymore - least said, soonest mended. It would be best not to start a fight as it would put all of you in a difficult position which is unfair to your son - then you'll feel worse.

Be careful you don't get what you wish for. It's great that you can come on here let of steam and have a little rant. We all do it on the spur of the moment but it doesn't mean we will action our thoughts. I am glad everyone's replies have enabled you to think more clearly. Of course you don't want to cut off your grandson. You were just feeling very miffed and hurt. I know it's difficult but just try to be thankful for what you do have and hopefully you will get more as time goes on.

bibbity my Las post was most definitely not patting the OP on the head and saying there there! But I also think it was expressed with more respect as have been some other similarly honest posts! When someone is upset then "don't be ridiculous" rarely gets through their upset feelings and is therefore unhelpful. I too believe in straight talking, but how its expressed makes all the difference to impact!

Pinky I loved spending days with my mum when my kids were young! So did my kids! I imagine her mum stayed all day because they all enjoyed it!

Your DIL was at least honest with you about her concerns about you husband; good on her for speaking to you openly about that, it cant be easy and I imagine she could do without the stress.

As she has spoken directly to you why not return to that subject and ask her if that makes her wary of asking you to be babysit? Let her be honest with you about her feelings. You can tell her that you love taking GS swimming and would love to babysit too. Then it is up to her and your son. I would not raise the point about her mum by the way, it is not relevant.

I have to tell you too that if my FIL had behaved in the way you describe then my husband (his son) and I would have been worried about asking MIL to babysit if we thought there was any chance of FIl being involved

I hope that you and your DIL/son can speak honestly together about the situation that works ok for everyone and in particular your lovely little grandson. His safety and happiness are paramount and hopefully you can enjoy him for many years

swaddling!

newmom
PINKY did say I have never spoken to her about swaddling and she does not do it anymore as gs is 9 months old
she didn't say 'I realise that a sleeping bag is not swaddling and therefore now realise that DIL is not swadding the baby'

I think there is a difference but yes, it was confusing!

Park it.

It's her mum. Totally different relationship and she is clearly close to her mum which seems normal. You can't control this situation or come between that bond.
Make your own specail time with gs? Offer to help, and drop the negativity. You risk her shutting you out with this sort of thing, it's her mum and I think understandable she is just closer to her.
Try a positive approach and don't take it personally.

I have to admit to spending the whole day when I visit my daughter / son-in-law and grandson, and if son-in-law’s mother lived in this country I’m sure she would be with us too, so why not visit and have a lovely day the three of you ladies together with the little one. It doesn’t have to be either her mother or you, it can be both of you. Please don’t alienate yourself.

We all have our moments when we feel angst about our relationships. I'm glad you are feeling better about yours.
I think there must be something in the water...I never really thought about what a minefield of emotions having grandchildren can cause until I was on this forum! As the child of a narcissist, I was brought up to believe that your mother was the most important person in your life superseding everybody else, including your own children! However, my lovely husband helped me see that your focus should be on your children's needs and that the more people they have to love them, the better. It is amazing how much angst you lose when you start looking at the positives rather than the negatives.

Do you not have a daughter or daughters Pinky57? Mothers and daughters will usually be closer than Mothers in law and their daughters in law. I have two sons and expected this to be the case and to take a back seat when the grandchildren arrived. As it turned out this was not the case but it is the case in the majority of families.

Jealousy is a very destructive emotion and can be a major cause of family breakups and estrangements and I would advise you to try and overcome it.

I think Bibbity answer to the post was was OK and sensible.

DH and I are very close to our DS and DIL. They live very close to us, but a little bit further from her parents. But they spend far more time with DILs parents than they do with us. This is because I think girls and mums are more inclined to spend time together than boys and mums are. Its perfectly normal. And DIL is extremely close to her mum. My son has even commented that he feels a bit guilty about it. We have told him it's fine. We understand. We dont have any GC yet, but I suspect when we do, we will see more of GC than the other grandparents, we are retired and they're not. I think you should be glad of the time you do get to spend with your GC. Otherwise you could find yourself unhappy and without any contact.

NB I responded to the top post before reading the rest of the thread. I now see you've come to the same conclusion

Pinky, I do sympathise with your feelings, but I think when you take a while to think it all through you'll decide you're going to be happier not cutting off contact and you'll keep your dignity better by not making a fuss. Nothing worse than feeling jealous AND feeling undignified at the same time

So pleased you feel better about the situation Pinky57 and have found members comments helpful. I see you have booked a last minute holiday to Dubai. Sounds wonderful, have a fabulous time and let yourself relax.