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Dil and her Mother

(106 Posts)
PINKY57 Thu 07-Feb-19 12:37:16

I live 10 minutes away from my son and Mil lives 1 hour drive away yet she sees grandson every week and I have just found out dil has asked her to babysit when she and my son go out,I am really upset about this and feel I don’t want to see her anymore or the gs.

Izabella Thu 07-Feb-19 12:50:11


EllanVannin Thu 07-Feb-19 12:51:23

Suggest taking it in turns.

megan123 Thu 07-Feb-19 12:55:03

Offer to babysit too, you can share this between you. Whatever you do don't cut contact, you are very, very lucky to have them.

Bibbity Thu 07-Feb-19 12:57:03

Don’t be so ridiculous.
She is seeing her mother. Presumably because they want to see each other. As a result their child will naturally be comfortable around her and the first choice for babysitting.

How often does your son arrange visits with you?
How often do you call to see how they are?

If this is an example of your overall attitude then they may well steer clear.

megan123 Thu 07-Feb-19 13:02:42

I often wonder why people have to be so nasty Bibbity on here, I am all for different opinions but really! Pinky is obviously upset and feeling fragile, for heavens sake!!

Bibbity Thu 07-Feb-19 13:16:04

That’s not being nasty. That’s not pandering to someone wanting to throw a tantrum.

They asked someone else to babysit. So she never wants to see them again.

I swear my 4 year old came out with something similar the other day.

Better for her to get a reality check here where she hasn’t damaged the relationship then everyone make her think she’s being reasonable and taking this behaviour or real life where I assume she will receive an even less nice response and the decision to go no contact is made for her.

agnurse Thu 07-Feb-19 13:16:45

It's not a competition. How much time they spend with the other Grandma has no bearing on the time they spend with you.

stella1949 Thu 07-Feb-19 13:17:11

Your DIL is always going to be closer to her own mother, that's the way it normally works. No point being upset about it, you can't change the way people's relationships work.

As we often see on Gransnet, mothers of sons frequently feel like the second class citizen when the grandchildren come along. All you can do, is to make it very clear that you're only too happy to babysit when they need it, and then leave it up to them.

Jalima1108 Thu 07-Feb-19 13:18:26

PINKY Could it have anything to do with the fact that she is worried in case your DH may go with you, get drunk and swear in front of the baby as you posted previously?

Or the fact that you might criticise DIL for her parenting methods, eg swaddling?

Perhaps she feels more relaxed with her own mother.

Just a thought.

I am really upset about this and feel I don’t want to see her anymore or the gs.
Well, your decision but you would be cutting off your own nose to spite your face.

M0nica Thu 07-Feb-19 13:24:24

O, good grief, not another one.

megan123 Thu 07-Feb-19 13:27:35

It is being nasty Bibbity. People come on here when something has happened and they cannot make sense of it or their feelings. They are not "throwing a tantrum" as you put it what a ridiculous way to describe someone's feelings (we are not talking about a 4 year old here). They are expressing how they feel, and they need someone to explain things, so that they can see things from a different perspective. Obviously you could never do that.

Farmor15 Thu 07-Feb-19 13:28:18

PINKY - like Jalima, I remembered your previous posts and wondered could the situations described have affected the dil’s decision to ask her mother to babysit. If you want to continue to have some kind of relationship with son and his family, you need to find a way of accepting that your dil’s mother will probably be first choice for childminding but you may be able to help in other ways.

grannyactivist Thu 07-Feb-19 13:42:13

Is that really all there is to this situation? That your daughter-in-law has asked her mum to babysit instead of you, and for that you feel you don't want see her or your own precious grandson again?

Nanny27 Thu 07-Feb-19 14:02:37

I've just read through the whole thread twice I. Case I had missed something. What a ridiculous thing to be getting so upset about. Your role in that baby's life is to be loving, kind and responsible. Perhaps you need to take a close look at yourself and see if you are up for the job.

Lily65 Thu 07-Feb-19 14:06:14

Pinky, I do hope this is genuine. If so, it is totally beyond me.

Are you an adult with a life, friends, interests, a fully rounded human being? Or do you just sit there waiting to be thrown a few crumbs eg baby sitting?

Perhaps you are unwell. I don't get it, this competative stuff.

glammanana Thu 07-Feb-19 14:07:55

Pinky DILs are far more likely to gravitate towards their owm mums its a known fact my DIL knows she has the offer of me babysitting and looking after my DGD when she goes back to work part-time but she is having her mum looking after her I don't mind one bit but have made sure she knows I am available if her mum cannot manage one of the arranged days.
There are so many Grandmothers on this forum who sadly don't get to see their DGCs so please don't do something you will come to regret at a later date.

Bibbity Thu 07-Feb-19 14:13:44

No Megan. The OP is being ridiculous. As Pp have noticed she has a very good idea why they will not want their baby in her house.

She is acting petty.
I doubt they will put up much of a fight at all if she threatens No contact.
So the ball is in OPs court.
I’m not going to tip toe around and pretend that anything she posted here was reasonable.

Abuelamia Thu 07-Feb-19 14:27:06

I hate feeling cynical but this thread puzzles me. I hope this is a genuine post because people really want to help but somehow I feel uncomfortable and many of us will think OP really knows the answer to her query.

megan123 Thu 07-Feb-19 15:01:03

Final word Bibbity you have a lot of life to live and I hope along the way you learn some humilty and empathy.

MawBroon Thu 07-Feb-19 15:06:15

She has asked her mum to babysit
There is nothing unusual in that.
You don’t say whether you offered to babysit and were turned down.
If you really feel you don’t want to see your GS again, just who are you hurting by this?
One, you
Two, your son
And three, an innocent child who will grow up wondering why he only has one grandma.
Distancing yourself will not bring them closer to you, just let this go, stay friendly and loving and work at the relationship. What you are proposing is petty and childish.

Bibbity Thu 07-Feb-19 15:11:34

Megan 😂😂 condisending much?

Just because you’re older doesn’t mean jack.

This OP is a prime example of when AC choose to distance themselves from their parents for understandable reasons.
I’m tying to get the OP to give her head a wobble and come back to earth.

But let’s pat her one the head and let her nuke her final chance of her Gc knowing her.

muffinthemoo Thu 07-Feb-19 15:18:42

With respect and sympathy to Pinky, let us recall the context of this relationship.

Days ago, Pinky made the following post here:

"My husband had too much to drink the other day and said to my son that my grandson was hyper -he is only 9 months old and that he should teach him how to behave,- the argument escalated and they were both swearing at each other. my dil said to me the following day that she does not want her son exposed to such language, I am scared she will keep him away from me and not come to our house"

The reason DIL has not asked you to babysit is crystal clear. It is the behaviour of your husband. I recall you were offered much sympathy and well intentioned advice as he is clearly a very difficult man.

His behaviour has consequences and you are now feeling those.

I am sorry to be blunt, but DIL is in no way being unreasonable here. I too would not want to leave a small baby in the care of your husband after how he has behaved.

PINKY57 Thu 07-Feb-19 15:26:54

I have offered to babysit on numerous occassions.She is happy for me to take gs swimming which I pay for.I only found out today that her mother was coming again,she was there on tuesday.I have never spoken to her about swaddling and she does not do it anymore as gs is 9 months old,and my dh would not go with me to
Babysit.I don’t understand why her mother has to be there all day .she was coming in the morning.

Bibbity Thu 07-Feb-19 15:30:28

Why her mother is there has absolutely nothing to do with you.

You need to not concern yourself with issues that are none of your business or you will cause issues where there aren’t any.