Adoption

HI, I am a foster carer and we the child we took at five had an adoption order originally but he did not find an adoptive family as he had many special needs due to early neglect. He was put in short term foster care for six months after this his case went back to is still in contact with child and and they changed his order to long term foster care. Then he came to us at 5 1/2 and he is still here at 12 1/2. We have tried to adopt him but can't because his birth father is still in contact and has made objection. In your gs case he will probably be adopted quite quickly. Even though we cannot adopt our foster son we all love him and we will be his family for life. He sees us as his family and he has come on so much his special needs are much less now.

How very hard, I feel for you. All I can say to give you some comfort is I was adopted at six months and I had wonderful parents and a lovely childhood. This was, of course, many, many years ago and things were very different in those days. A lot of helpful advice above from other posters for you.

I hope all goes well, I am almost crying for you, I would hate to lose my grandchildren. I hope all works out for you and your grandson and the helpful responses from Gransnet comfort you and give you hope.

I really feel for you Newgran but have nothing to add to what has already been said. Gransnet at its very best.

I knew of a family of 3 children, all older than three, who were adopted together, and the adoptive parents went to great pains to keep the birth grandparents involved. Take heart NewgranGill

LikeBlossomsmum I have experience of both sides of adoption with several adopted children and 2 GC who have been adopted. Luckily although they were taken away just after birth they were placed with the same adoptive parents. If your GS has been in care for a while the SW may well have a couple in mind who would be a good match for him. But it is a good idea to keep a newsletter going for him. My DD gets an annual letter from the adopters but maybe the adopters would be prepared to keep in touch with you. It is all done through SS so no addresses are involved.

Thank you all for your kindness.

DH and I would have loved to have him but realistically it wouldn't be fair to him we are in our 70s and not in good health, I would hate him to have to become our carer.

The letterbox is very sucessful you hear from the adoptive parents every three months with a letter and photos.I am not sure how this works with grandparents.The case i know is a birth parent who was not able to keep the child.I hope you manage to keep contact as you are a very caring and loving grandparent .

@NewgranGill you could apply for special guardianship

'A special guardianship order is an order appointing one or more individuals to be a child's 'special guardian'. It is a private law order made under the Children Act 1989 and is intended for those children who cannot live with their birth parents and who would benefit from a legally secure placement' stop worrying and find out

Your DGS will remain in Foster Care until the right family can be found for him. Two of my grandchildren are adopted and were both in foster care from birth. Sadly the older one was not adopted until he was 18 months old and that has had a profound effect on him. The younger one was adopted at 8 months from a very loving foster home and is fine.

Is this in England? I thought they were moving towards more open adoptions where the children could access their biological relatives if they want to and benefit from the contact. Long term fostering isn't a bad alternative if a suitable adoptive family can't be found - and at least the child always has a social worker they can theoretically report abuse to, unlike after they are adopted, when they are eventually written out of "the system". Long term fostering can work well if there are relatives other than the parents who are beneficially involved with the child but can't have them to live with them. Of course a lot depends on whether the child has behavioural problems, because if they do, it can result in a lot of changes of carer.

Blossomsmum what a lovely encouraging post.

NewgranGill I hope you are now reassured that your grandson will find a forever home and that you may have some ongoing contact. Most adoptions are successful and there is no reason to think that your grandson won't have a caring home with people who will love him as their own.

So sad for you. ?

I have experience on both sides of this as we fostered and adopted for over 20 yrs plus one of my long term foster daughter’s (she came for 6 months when she was 9 and because of her mild disabilities is still with us aged 41 ) son was adopted as a baby .
My adopted daughters were 15 and 12 when we adopted them , they are 46 and 37 now . My 4 other children who adopted us are all in their 30s and early 40s and my homemade ones are 40 and 41 .
I have the same love for all of them and they are MINE no matter where they started out in life .
My daughter decided before her baby was born that she didn’t want to bring him up or have us bring him up so the plan was always adoption . He is now 16 and has a wonderful life with his parents . We have contact by letters through the adoption service and are now looking at whether it’s time that he knew more about us with a view to eventually meeting us and his birth mum .
I think what I am trying to say is that fostering and adoption can and does work and kids are not just dumped in a cdrens home .

I really feel for you , is there no one in the family who could take the little boy?

Two people I know have adopted recently, one a new born and one aged three. The new families are working well and are incredibly happy to have a child and both homes are wonderful. They had to be carefully vetted, understandably. I wish the same for your grandson, so many people for whom IVF doesn’t work are looking for a child to love. Sending hugs to you, this is clearly a very distressing time for you xxxx

So hard for you. If he decides to look for his birth family one day it will be good for him to know you cared and thought about him.

So sad this news today. I do hope it gets resolved and you have some contact with his new life even just messages and how he is doing. Thinking of you.

I feel so much for you in this sad situation; you are so obviously a loving Granny and I hope that your fears have been calmed by the very kind and helpful advice on here.

That really made me sad.. I am so sorry for you..xxx

newgran this must be a terribly hard situation for you. I hope you have someone to talk to and support you

I just feel so sad for you Newgran.x

Thank you all.

I have been in touch with the adoption social worker and asked about Letterbox and I write just a couple of lines a month, stored on my laptop for whenever I can pass it along, such as about the bonfire at granddads allotment and the old rhyme about 5th November. Just little things that I would tell him if he was sitting on my lap. I'm going to try to get some photos but have been told I will not receive any - security I suppose.

I was a social worker who matched adoptive families with their children and then supervised the placement.

The child will be with foster carers who will be preparing him to move home to his 'forever family'. As a part of this preparation they will put together a 'Life Story' book for him that will have photographs and age appropriate details of what led up to him being in care. When potential adopters are found they will be given details of his background and a photograph. If they wish to proceed there will be planned introductions and then the move to the new family home. Contact with the foster carers will be maintained for a short time in order to facilitate a smooth transition and then the child will become part of the new family under supervision until a court order is made approving the adoption.

Of course you are going to worry about your grandson, but please be assured that he will be well cared for in a family home with trained foster carers until adopters are found, which based on his age alone I suspect will be a very short time. Your grandson is of an age to generate plenty of interest from adopters and the social workers will be trying to get the best possible match for him.

There is something called “letterbox contact” whereby his new family could send you a picture and letter at regular intervals and you can reply.