Gransnet forums

Ask a gran

Adoption

(31 Posts)
NewgranGill Fri 22-Feb-19 12:17:55

Can anyone tell me what happens if a child that has been put forward for adoption is not adopted.

The courts have made that order regarding my DGS and I really want him to have a family to love and care for him and help him reach his full potential. He is a lovely bright little boy and the worry about him not having a family is making me ill.

Are they left with foster carers do they go into a children's home if they still exist? With all the reports of institutional child abuse I can hardly function some days worrying about him.

I suppose the odds are in his favour as he is only 3 but with IVF becoming more successful you never know.

I hope someone on Gransnet can answer my query. Thanks.

GrannyGravy13 Fri 22-Feb-19 12:23:56

I think he will be fostered until his forever family come along

Anniebach Fri 22-Feb-19 12:26:50

NewgranGill , your grandsons age is definitely in his favour for adoption.

There are difficulties with older children, sadly many have been damaged , one of my nephews short term foster children taken into care and awaiting long term foster homes.

GrannyGravy13 Fri 22-Feb-19 12:32:13

We have a close family member adopting a child at the moment and all
involved are so very caring and understanding.

stella1949 Fri 22-Feb-19 12:35:41

From my own personal experience, children stay in foster care with a family until they are adopted, no matter how long that takes. They don't go into childrens homes. I'm sure your little GS will find a forever family.

Caledonai14 Fri 22-Feb-19 12:45:23

NewgranGill, my very limited experience and knowledge in this area goes back quite a few years but, first of all, three is not a difficult age to find adopters for these days. Second, have you asked about things like keeping contact with your grandchild for the future? Please don't give any identifying details here for the sake of all your family. And third, could you make up a book of photos and information about yourself and your own parents and grandparents? You could ask for that to be stored with the child's adoption record until he is of age and then he should be able to see it. I've never seen any of these but I think there are organisations and charities which can advise you on this because nowadays we know so much more about children and their families trying to find each other after many years. There are a million reasons - even now - why it's not always possible or practical for children to have family contact during the adoption process but many many children come to foster care and adoptive parents with a stipulation for birth family contact and I think you need to try to make sure the social workers know you are there. They may be able to put your mind at rest in a general sense - or even just to note that you have expressed concerns. There's much more emphasis on placing children within their own families now but it isn't always possible and, at the very least, you should write a personal letter to your dgs and lodge it with whichever agency or council is handling the adoption. Hope that helps in a small way. I think the Salvation Army may be able to advise, but that's just what I have picked up from television programmes. My heart goes out to you in that situation.

GrannyGravy13 Fri 22-Feb-19 12:50:54

There is something called “letterbox contact” whereby his new family could send you a picture and letter at regular intervals and you can reply.

grannyactivist Fri 22-Feb-19 13:09:40

I was a social worker who matched adoptive families with their children and then supervised the placement.

The child will be with foster carers who will be preparing him to move home to his 'forever family'. As a part of this preparation they will put together a 'Life Story' book for him that will have photographs and age appropriate details of what led up to him being in care. When potential adopters are found they will be given details of his background and a photograph. If they wish to proceed there will be planned introductions and then the move to the new family home. Contact with the foster carers will be maintained for a short time in order to facilitate a smooth transition and then the child will become part of the new family under supervision until a court order is made approving the adoption.

Of course you are going to worry about your grandson, but please be assured that he will be well cared for in a family home with trained foster carers until adopters are found, which based on his age alone I suspect will be a very short time. Your grandson is of an age to generate plenty of interest from adopters and the social workers will be trying to get the best possible match for him.

NewgranGill Fri 22-Feb-19 13:41:46

Thank you all.

I have been in touch with the adoption social worker and asked about Letterbox and I write just a couple of lines a month, stored on my laptop for whenever I can pass it along, such as about the bonfire at granddads allotment and the old rhyme about 5th November. Just little things that I would tell him if he was sitting on my lap. I'm going to try to get some photos but have been told I will not receive any - security I suppose.

EllanVannin Fri 22-Feb-19 14:38:11

I just feel so sad for you Newgran.x

GrandmainOz Sat 23-Feb-19 08:07:10

newgran this must be a terribly hard situation for you. I hope you have someone to talk to and support you

Cece44 Sat 23-Feb-19 09:11:11

That really made me sad.. I am so sorry for you..xxx

Rosina Sat 23-Feb-19 09:11:58

I feel so much for you in this sad situation; you are so obviously a loving Granny and I hope that your fears have been calmed by the very kind and helpful advice on here.

Harris27 Sat 23-Feb-19 09:13:12

So sad this news today. I do hope it gets resolved and you have some contact with his new life even just messages and how he is doing. Thinking of you.

ajanela Sat 23-Feb-19 09:22:19

So hard for you. If he decides to look for his birth family one day it will be good for him to know you cared and thought about him.

Nanatoone Sat 23-Feb-19 09:28:28

Two people I know have adopted recently, one a new born and one aged three. The new families are working well and are incredibly happy to have a child and both homes are wonderful. They had to be carefully vetted, understandably. I wish the same for your grandson, so many people for whom IVF doesn’t work are looking for a child to love. Sending hugs to you, this is clearly a very distressing time for you xxxx

ruthiek Sat 23-Feb-19 09:29:54

I really feel for you , is there no one in the family who could take the little boy?

Blossomsmum Sat 23-Feb-19 09:36:17

I have experience on both sides of this as we fostered and adopted for over 20 yrs plus one of my long term foster daughter’s (she came for 6 months when she was 9 and because of her mild disabilities is still with us aged 41 ) son was adopted as a baby .
My adopted daughters were 15 and 12 when we adopted them , they are 46 and 37 now . My 4 other children who adopted us are all in their 30s and early 40s and my homemade ones are 40 and 41 .
I have the same love for all of them and they are MINE no matter where they started out in life .
My daughter decided before her baby was born that she didn’t want to bring him up or have us bring him up so the plan was always adoption . He is now 16 and has a wonderful life with his parents . We have contact by letters through the adoption service and are now looking at whether it’s time that he knew more about us with a view to eventually meeting us and his birth mum .
I think what I am trying to say is that fostering and adoption can and does work and kids are not just dumped in a cdrens home .

wellingtonpie Sat 23-Feb-19 10:08:57

So sad for you. 😔

grannyactivist Sat 23-Feb-19 10:45:48

Blossomsmum what a lovely encouraging post. smile

NewgranGill I hope you are now reassured that your grandson will find a forever home and that you may have some ongoing contact. Most adoptions are successful and there is no reason to think that your grandson won't have a caring home with people who will love him as their own.

ReadyMeals Sat 23-Feb-19 11:29:24

Is this in England? I thought they were moving towards more open adoptions where the children could access their biological relatives if they want to and benefit from the contact. Long term fostering isn't a bad alternative if a suitable adoptive family can't be found - and at least the child always has a social worker they can theoretically report abuse to, unlike after they are adopted, when they are eventually written out of "the system". Long term fostering can work well if there are relatives other than the parents who are beneficially involved with the child but can't have them to live with them. Of course a lot depends on whether the child has behavioural problems, because if they do, it can result in a lot of changes of carer.

trendygran Sat 23-Feb-19 11:37:38

Your DGS will remain in Foster Care until the right family can be found for him. Two of my grandchildren are adopted and were both in foster care from birth. Sadly the older one was not adopted until he was 18 months old and that has had a profound effect on him. The younger one was adopted at 8 months from a very loving foster home and is fine.

Onestepbeyond Sat 23-Feb-19 11:45:23

@NewgranGill you could apply for special guardianship

'A special guardianship order is an order appointing one or more individuals to be a child's 'special guardian'. It is a private law order made under the Children Act 1989 and is intended for those children who cannot live with their birth parents and who would benefit from a legally secure placement' stop worrying and find out flowers

Houndi Sat 23-Feb-19 12:07:16

The letterbox is very sucessful you hear from the adoptive parents every three months with a letter and photos.I am not sure how this works with grandparents.The case i know is a birth parent who was not able to keep the child.I hope you manage to keep contact as you are a very caring and loving grandparent .

NewgranGill Sat 23-Feb-19 12:20:10

Thank you all for your kindness.

DH and I would have loved to have him but realistically it wouldn't be fair to him we are in our 70s and not in good health, I would hate him to have to become our carer.