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I nudged her...

(72 Posts)
Ohmother Wed 06-Mar-19 22:06:13

My daughter is getting married in August and wants to arrange a wedding how she would like it.

My other daughter has grumbled that her child hadn’t been asked to be bridesmaid although her brother in law to be is an usher.

Should I say something as I feel like pig-in- the-middle knowing there is something stewing between my two girls? As a parent I don’t want either to be upset but I can’t help thinking about it.

Ohmother Fri 15-Mar-19 07:41:03

Apologies Esmerelda et al for not getting back sooner. I too get frustrated by none responders. I have been rather ill since I posted this so wasn’t up to responding. I don’t wish to give further details as I feel I have had my question answered by some very kind responders. Thank you to those. X

Bridgeit Sun 10-Mar-19 17:56:51

I think it would be perfectly natural to ask why she hasn’t been asked, you can do this out of curiosity.

knspol Sun 10-Mar-19 16:19:44

Her wedding her choice, best to stay out of it all.

knickas63 Sat 09-Mar-19 18:21:39

Difficult to advise because it depends on family dynamics. I could say out right to my daughter "your not having xx as a bridesmaid then?" Without any offence being taken. Not all families appear to be able to communicate this way, which is sad. Having what seems like her only niece as a bridesmaid doesn't seem unreasonable. But the groom may have 4 or 5, which may make it more difficult. Just talk to each other.

annabelindajane Sat 09-Mar-19 17:06:07

If she wanted her niece to be flower girl she would have asked . Weddings and their organising are highly charged emotional occasions and people take umbrage at all sorts of imagined slights!

Just relax and enjoy all the family being together

Starlady Sat 09-Mar-19 17:00:36

Maybe you're right, Esmerelda, but I'm sure the op is reading and thinking about our replies. Some people take a few days to think things over before they come back in and answer questions.

I don't see where the one dd asked ohmother to speak to her other dd/the bride about including gd in the wedding party, just that the other dd/the mum "grumbled" about the situation. Ohmother might feel like "piggy-in-the-middle" but she doesn't have to be.

Please don't let yourself get drawn into that, ohmother. And don't openly agree with your other dd or try to defend the bride. Either could easily backfire on you. It may be easier said than done, but please try just to listen to you other dd and maybe make some sympathetic replies like, "Aww" or "I'm sorry this is upsetting you."

Your dds are both grown woman, surely, and know how to talk with each other if they want to. I don't the other dd/the mum should say anything to her sister, but that's up to her. In the end, it's the bride's decision who she has for bridesmaids, etc. She knows she has a niece, so if she hasn't asked her, I'm sure she didn't choose to for whatever reason. She didn't "forget," etc. Please just stay out of it and enjoy the wedding.

Esmerelda Sat 09-Mar-19 15:37:37

I do wonder why someone would post this kind of a question on here, not giving specific information, and then when asked for clarification not bother replying. Some people are assuming the bride is not having any bridesmaids, some that the sister (and/or the niece) are not invited at all, some that the brother in law is the sister's husband (although he could be groom's brother ... my nephew had his younger brother as an usher, whilst his greatest friend was best man). It's all very confusing and the OP has done nothing to clarify, or indeed respond at all to the various bits of advice given. Time for this thread to end, I feel!

redheadh Sat 09-Mar-19 15:02:34

Personally if it’s her wedding she should have what they as a couple want. Perhaps they aren’t having bridesmaids or just adult?

VIOLETTE Sat 09-Mar-19 14:59:05

Always causes a problem at weddings !! Fortunately when I first got married many years ago there were only two small children in the family (and they were daughters of a family member who had embraced the Jehovah's religion, so I did wonder if they would participate in a Cof E wedding ...but they did, plus a neighbour's small daughter. No other children luckily in the family ….maybe if she is having no bridesmaids, it might be a question of having to choose and leave some out, which she doesn't want to do ! Another wedding we went to years later (my then partner's niece) his not asked to be BM and was very disappointed, so I took her out and , with their permission, bought her a pretty dress and shoes for the day, so she felt special anyway ….might be an idea … could tell her not every bridesmaid actually follows the bride if she is young enough to accept that ! otherwise, just leave them to it !

Dizzylizzy Sat 09-Mar-19 14:19:49

Having coordinated a lot of weddings for my church, I can tell you that children under seven often balk at the last minute and some weep loudly and refuse to walk down the aisle. The bride, or someone still at the door, is often trying to quiet the child, usually unsuccessfully. If the mother of your grand daughter talked her sister into having her child as a flower girl, and this happened, it could really cause hard feelings. Maybe the child can have another responsibility like passing out birdseed or bubbles to shower the couple as they leave the venue.

Tokyojo3 Sat 09-Mar-19 13:42:26

I wanted a child free wedding 42 years ago but had to accept that my husbands very small niece and nephew had to be there as they had come from a distance. So I accepted that but guess what my sister in law did? She had a bridesmaids outfit made for the little girl and had her in every photo she could ... the four bridesmaids( including my sister in law) were sent to the hairdresser for a free wash and hair do ... she had a complete restyle and a very expensive perm ! To say she had the cheek of the devil is putting iit mildly ! The look of sheer arrogance on her face is mind blowing in the photographs. It was a taste of things to come ...

paddyann Sat 09-Mar-19 13:08:52

nothing to do with you,these things often spiral out of control ..if you add one from that side then you're asked to add one for the other side or if there is more than one small child then they ALL want their girl to be included.I had this at my own wedding .I had 3 neices and my OH had two little cousins whose mothers thought should be asked .I decided I didn't want a trail of wee girls behind me,they were invited to the wedding but not as BM .iT HAS TO BE THE BRIDES CHOICE

willa45 Sat 09-Mar-19 12:33:28

How old is your daughter's child and how old is the brother in law (usher)? Are they the same age? What about other bridesmaids/ushers?

Goodbyetoallthat Sat 09-Mar-19 12:05:19

I don't think you or your daughter should speak to the bride to be about this.
It is her choice & she will have her reasons for who she chooses (she may not want bridesmaids at all).
In my experience it is often the mothers who are much keener on their child being a bridesmaid than the child themselves.

sarahellenwhitney Sat 09-Mar-19 11:46:41

I had a similar problem at my wedding that was going to be a no expense spared event funded by my parents but never the less resulted in several of DH relatives through their choice not wishing to attend for reasons being.....
I had intended to have a close friend as maid of honour and three small bridesmaids one of these being a close relative of DH. I had a domineering mother who ruled the roost so consequently I allowed her to make a choice over who she believed I should have as one of my bridesmaids who was to be a cousin I had nothing in common with. Consequently to accommodate mother I surrendered went for her choice and decided no small attendants. The ones to take offence were as you may have guessed DH relatives .
'Fallout' was to continue long after our wedding


grandtanteJE65 Sat 09-Mar-19 11:38:02

I don't agree your daughter should speak to her sister about the child being a bridesmaid.

Is the bride intending to have bridesmaids, and how old is the child concerned.

You need to stay right out of this, although if it were my daughters I would tell the child's mother that she is being unreasonable. I assume the brother-in-law who is to be an usher is grown up, or nearly so.

icanhandthemback Sat 09-Mar-19 11:29:39

I would probably ask my daughter what she intended regarding bridesmaids and, if she was having other children, did she think it might be a nice gesture to ask her niece. However, I would preface the latter with the "It's entirely up to you because it is your big day but....?" I think you can gauge the lie of the land, get her to think about her niece etc without actually interfering or causing a row. Weddings can be very difficult but I do think the way you go about asking makes all the difference.

Kim19 Sat 09-Mar-19 11:22:16

I arranged my 'no children, please' wedding. Ruffled feathers at first and then reluctant acceptance. I did have one little one from either side as pageboy and flower girl for the ceremony and then they were whisked away to something much more fun than a formal reception, by way of thank you. My joy is that, later, all parents agreed that it was one of the most relaxed wedding celebrations they had been to. I have not a moment's doubt that this was due to the temporary freedom of parental responsibility and all that that entails. I would do the same again without hesitation.

Bibbity Sat 09-Mar-19 11:08:35

It’s not a family wedding.
It’s the two people getting marrieds wedding.

It’s nice that they’ve wanted to invite family. But the guests don’t get to stake a claim on the day.

jocork Sat 09-Mar-19 11:08:25

When my son got married my MIL started going on about her GD, my niece being a bridesmaid. My DIL had already chosen 4 adult friends and 2 young bridesmaids from her family and I told MIL she should leave it alone but she must have made other comments to someone as I learnt that my niece had been added as a third young bridesmaid. This upset my DD as she then felt left out as she wasn't asked. I don't think she minded 'til her younger cousin was added. Unfortunately my MIL has always had a tendency to interfere in things that are not her business.
My advice is don't ever suggest someone should be a bridesmaid for someone else's wedding. It is the bride's decision as to who she wants. If someone feels upset and left out they need to grow up and accept it.

annep1 Sat 09-Mar-19 11:05:10

It's a family wedding. What is wrong with some people nowadays that they can't include family and ask what do you think? Me me me!
I wonder who's paying.

Momof3 Sat 09-Mar-19 11:00:08

Well you brought up this generation!!

paulinecnd Sat 09-Mar-19 10:39:42

If your daughter wanted her niece to be a bridesmaid, she would ask her. Don't get involved!
Family weddings!!!

quizqueen Sat 09-Mar-19 10:32:52

If the bride has not chosen her niece as a bridesmaid there are three reasons- she doesn't want children as bridesmaids at all, she feels there are too many similar children in the family or belonging to friends and she doesn't want too many bridesmaids or she doesn't want that particular child as a bridesmaid. All her choice.

CarlyD7 Sat 09-Mar-19 10:29:21

You could just talk to your daughter about the wedding and how it's going and has she decided to have bridesmaids? Just in general terms - that should tell you what's going on. (She may have decided not to have any children as bridesmaids, and given by the last wedding fiasco i went to - 7 young bridesmaids wandering down the aisle at different paces, one stopping to examine something on the carpet, another deided to cry in the middle of the wedding vows, 2 having a scrap - I can only support her choice!)