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I nudged her...

(71 Posts)
Ohmother Wed 06-Mar-19 22:06:13

My daughter is getting married in August and wants to arrange a wedding how she would like it.

My other daughter has grumbled that her child hadn’t been asked to be bridesmaid although her brother in law to be is an usher.

Should I say something as I feel like pig-in- the-middle knowing there is something stewing between my two girls? As a parent I don’t want either to be upset but I can’t help thinking about it.

maryeliza54 Wed 06-Mar-19 22:26:16

Your dd should just ask her sister if her dd can be a bridesmaid - why can’t people just talk to each other?

B9exchange Wed 06-Mar-19 22:31:18

Some couples want child free weddings, strangely. Has DGD been invited? If so, I think your DD should just comment how thrilled DGD is that they are getting married, and is there a chance she could be a flower girl or bridesmaid, as this is her dream? It's no good moaning to you! smile

showergelfresh Wed 06-Mar-19 22:35:36

You could say to your daughter as a first step in this situation
"Are you having any bridesmaids?"
Then go from there.

BlueBelle Wed 06-Mar-19 23:06:35

What does the title mean I nudged her ?
You can’t do anything it s not your place
Her brother in law to be is an usher isn’t he the groom ?

notanan2 Wed 06-Mar-19 23:52:35

God I HATE when families do this.

If A wants something from D they get B to ask C to tell D to do it?

Everyone who involves themselves in this kinda nonsense needs to grow up, and speak up directly to each other

Your daughter knows its not reasonable to invite yourself or your child into someones wedding party, which is probably why she hasnt brought it up herself, so of course its not your place to play piggy in the middle.

Tell her to either speak directly to her sis or put up with it dont stir the drama.

maryeliza54 Thu 07-Mar-19 00:03:45

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect you’ll be invited to your sisters wedding tbf- what is unreasonable is the two sisters not talking to each other about what is a big event in as family

notanan2 Thu 07-Mar-19 00:06:28

The MOST I would do is maybe remind the other DD of the advantages of NOT having your child as flowergirl:

You can inconspicuously sneak them out of the ceremony if they get bored

If the hate their outfit or find it uncomfortable or its not weather appropriate, no biggy! They can change/chose

If they spill food on their outfit, no biggy, they cam change!

They only have to stand still for the camera for the big group shot

notanan2 Thu 07-Mar-19 00:07:24

Mary she's not uninvited! Shes just not in the bridal party!

BradfordLass72 Thu 07-Mar-19 02:33:00

How difficult for you to be piggy-in-the-middle (never did like that game even at school).

I think it all depends whether the bride is having any bridesmaids at all. Many do not. If she is, it seems a wee bit sad her niece is not included.

Nevertheless, it may be better to let the sisters work it out themselves and only step in if real acrimony occurs and you see the dangers of this wedding being ruined and a huge split in the family.
I hope this isn't happening yet.

Keep mum, Mum and let it unfold, smile flowers

kittylester Thu 07-Mar-19 07:26:14

Welcome ohmother, if you are new.

wildswan16 Thu 07-Mar-19 07:36:17

Tell your daughter that it has nothing to do with you and if she has a problem with her daughter not being a bridesmaid then she must speak to her sister.

However, it may well be that she only wants one or two bridesmaids and cannot possibly ask everyone. It really shouldn't be an issue - bride's choice.

Anja Thu 07-Mar-19 07:42:48

What have families come to when a mother can’t simply ask ‘have you thought of asking XXX to be a bridesmaid?’.

I’m about sick and tired of this lack of communication between families being condoned by ideas that ‘it’s nobody else’s business’ or ‘it’s not your child’ and so on. It says that a mother is afraid to have an honest discussion with her own daughter. How can that be right?

Is it this generation or what?

FarNorth Thu 07-Mar-19 07:52:44

If Mum knows, for instance, that daughter doesn't want bridesmaids then saying ‘have you thought of asking XXX to be a bridesmaid?’ could seem interfering.

More info needed, ohmother, and what does the thread title mean?

Anja Thu 07-Mar-19 07:56:08

Really? Asking a simple question is interfering? It’s nit the same as saying ‘I think you should ask XXX to be your bridesmaid’. Now that is interfering.

That’s what's wrong with families in these situations. There’s no real communication if the OP feels unable to simply ask.

mcem Thu 07-Mar-19 07:58:39

At my DS wedding 3 years ago there were 3 adult bridesmaids and no little ones. DC had been flower girl and ring bearer a year earlier at DD's wedding.
They enjoyed both and the couples had a wonderful day, just as they wanted.

By all means encourage communication but don't take on the position of mediator.

FarNorth Thu 07-Mar-19 07:58:54

It is interfering if the answer is likely to be "No, I haven't thought of that because I don't want any bridesmaids, as you know."

Nanabilly Thu 07-Mar-19 08:04:34

On dear I think some people are offering had advice here ..don't say anything ... It's none of your business ..if she does not want her niece as maid them that's her choice and should be respected. Maybe she just has not decided yet!
Tell your daughter to speak to her sister herself or even better tell her not to be so "entitled" .
Just because her sister is getting married she is not forced to have her niece as a maid.
Are your family always like this ? Don't they communicate directly to one another or is it always done by a third party?
I never ever tell my kids what the other one has moaned about .I just listen but never make comment so that way they can never make out I agreed with anything .I leave it to them to sort out themselves and they always do .. Eventually!
Keep out of it !

Anja Thu 07-Mar-19 08:12:42

Farnorth as far as I can see there is no ‘as you know’. Have I missed something?

FarNorth Thu 07-Mar-19 08:18:05

Anja it was an example of what could go wrong.
We don't have enough info to know if asking would be okay or not.

M0nica Thu 07-Mar-19 08:28:11

Tell one daughter to discuss it with her sister and then keep out of it yourself. The last thing you want to do is be seen to be taking sides (even if you aren't)

GrandmainOz Fri 08-Mar-19 06:51:08

Why can't your concerned daughter just ask her sister an innocent question re bridesmaid plans? As long as she's prepared to accept the answer.
I hope she's not letting the child overhear her concerns, talking to you and so on. Wouldn't be very nice for the child to hear herself being discussed and possibly feeling rejected.
This is probably all about your daughter's feelings rather than the little girl's anyway wink
Don't get in the middle. Some girls apparently turn into "bridezilla once that engagement ring is on. A modern phenomenon so I'm toldhmm

Alima Fri 08-Mar-19 06:57:33

Be so much better for everyone involved if the happy (?) couple eloped to marry. Sorted.

EllanVannin Fri 08-Mar-19 08:10:30

It'll all end in tears-----and tantrums. Not a good start to the ahem " perfect day ".

H1954 Fri 08-Mar-19 14:13:40

Sorry, ohmother, if I were you I would stay out of it. You don't mention what age GD is, maybe she's very small and DD who's getting married doesn't want small children, I know I wouldn't. Either way, leave them to get on with it or, alternatively, prompt other daughter to ask her sister why.