Bit of a dilemma

No Lily65 I agree but as Nansnet is so worried I suppose its best to sort things out so she doesn't have to worry all year. We are a turn and turnabout family and if you can work out going to each of them alternate years that is the best arrangement I think. However, things like seeing your father come in to play and also your health and what accommodation is available etc. Speak to both son and daughter and if you want to go to her this year then say so. Please don't start worrying about the inlaws hopefully everything will fall into place.

Is it me or is this a weird conversation for early April?

Nansnet, maybe I am fantasising however I do imagine that it might be a lot of fun if all the older generation rented a pretty little place not too far from the young family group. Plenty of nice alcoholic beverages to suit 4 individual tastes could oil the social joints as alcohol is reputed to do.

I think most of us agree that you should spend it with your daughter. Your other GC will have many Christmases to celebrate with you, but can you say the same about your Dad?

So....if you decide to go with your daughter, you could then...
a. Plan an alternate amount of time to spend with them (i.e. between Christmas week and New Years... or whatever suits you
b. Alternate day could also be celebrated at your house and invite everyone
c. Offer to go next Christmas and take turns thereafter

BTW, who was going to pay for the hotel?

You need to sit your children down and discuss how Christmas is going to be from now on.

I would suggest that you go to you son one year and your daughter the next. If you and your DIL's parents are invited at the same time, you need to take it in turns to stay at a hotel.

I suggest you leave it to your son and daughter to work out whether you go to him or to her this year.

I don't Imm6 I would much prefer your idea of staying in an hotel. My own bathroom and not having to worry about what everyone else is doing.

Your 6 bullet points give very clear clues about your own feelings.
You want to go to your daughter and partner for Christmas.
My suggestion is this.

Explain the predicament to both your D and S.
Ask each of them what they think, as it's perfectly obvious that you can't be in two places at once nor should they think you 'favour' one over the other.

According to what they say, you could say you'd be delighted to spend alternate Christmases with each of them and leave it to them to arrange who you visit first.
You'll just have to get over the other GPs staying with their daughter.
That's how families usually work.

You don't say whether your S and D live in the same country as each other or how far apart they are.
If they're near enough to each other you could alternate Christmas and New Year if travel/flights were affordable.
Whatever you decide, remember that you read a lot about family disputes on here as regards visits, other GPs/, not seeing GCs as often as you think the other GPs see them.
It's an ongoing theme and you need to steer a steady ship, otherwise relationships can come under immense strain and cause a lot of heartache.
Don't argue but don't agree with an arrangement that makes you unhappy otherwise it will end in you stewing over it for years.

Be upbeat and let the two AC decide between themselves who is going to host you this year.
I send you every good wish.

In short.................book a holiday, somewhere warm and let them get on with it! Sorted.

A couple of days in an Airbnb so you can cook a meal, and invite them to your little 'home'.

For the last five or six years our daughter and husband have very happily and very beautifully, hosted sixteen for Christmas - us, SIL's Mum, Sister, Partner and Son, our Son, Dil and two grandsons plus Dil's parents. We all decided last Christmas that they needed a break so we booked a private room at a very nice Restaurant for Christmas Eve Lunch. Dil's parents spent Christmas Day with her and family, we spent it with DD and SIL and SIL's family who live in another City, spent it together. It worked just fine. Everyone got together on one day and Christmas Day was much more relaxed. Perhaps something like that would work. Might not help - just a suggestion.

I can only say what I would prefer to do and that is: Stay with your daughter this year and go to your sons next year. Take it in turns with the other GM to stay in a hotel and let your son know that's what you intend to do so that he knows that you aren't leaving him out. Hopefully the other GM will also agree to this, you can't be expected to stay in a hotel every time you go. Good luck,these sort of events often cause problems and it's such a shame because they should be happy times for all of you.

Some wise words of advice on here as we've come to expect.
We always host C'mas as we still have very aged parents ourselves.
The DC and DGC either come to us or to their in-laws it hasn't become a problem yet.
Last year we had 25 for lunch including an uncle.
If we downsize it could be awkward.

DS has been scrupulously fair up till now but I don't expect them to always want to drag the children to the other end of the country esp as his inlaws live nearby .

December 25th is just one day out of 365!! Cannot see why you are getting so upset. Go to your daughters, have a lovely time and arrange a separate time to visit your son, when you will be able to stay with them. Do not get fixated on calendar dates

Why not see if you can go to them alternate Christmases? Your daughter this year and your son next?

We always have this exact problem at Christmas. DIL has to spend it with her mother and sister’s family. If we go we stay at local Premier Inn! I now accept it as we can never match up, but want to see our granddaughters. DH not so keen.

Christmas should be a happy time but there always seem to be arguments among famililies. Our family never made a fuss about it. We weren’t well off and thought the money would sooner be spent on summer holidays.
Christmas means a lot of work, expense and worry for the women while the men contribute very little.

We love staying in a nearby hotel when we visit DS. We have our own bathroom and can be as grumpy as we like in the morning. I don't like lying in bed wondering what time to get up, wondering what's for breakfast and having to be chatty. Whereas DiL's parents always spend time staying with them. It's just the way it is with sons and they certainly don't mean any offence. Anybody else not like staying at someone else's house? I know I don't.

I am my 4 GC's only grandparent and almost never see my D, SiL and GC over Christmas. This is for a number of reasons, mainly due to my SiL only having limited time off over that period and the 12yr olds hatred of being out of routine, (he's severely autistic but verbal). Plus I don't drive and they live an hour away so a nightmare trek.
I do my own thing, volunteer at a Christmas day dinner, on Christmas day then see my S & BiL, plus any who care to drop in on Boxing Day. I then visit my D and family on the 27th, (my younest gd birthday). It works for us and I have the best of all world's, great company, 2 Christmas dinners then my family before and after Christmas.
OP, I'd go to your daughters a Christmas and your sons afterwards, maybe for new year. Explain to him in advance, 1st Christmas, elderly father etc then suggest you go to him next year and your daughters on new year. The best of all world's, and quite possibly you'll get to babysit your new gc on new years eve.

Feel like you are over worrying about this a little. Clearly you can't satisfy all yours and your family's wishes. Im sure its a situation many families have to face. If your children are reasonable minded you need to discuss things with them all and come to some sort of compromise. They should be able to realise its impossible for you to please everyone. And unfortunately you can't have it all. Perhaps you could do Christmas at one house and have a 'second' Christmas on Boxing Day or NY depending on distances? Don't think it would be unreasonable to say to your son that you would like to see your GS on his first Christmas. But promise to alternate your Christmas visits bi-annually. Make a Skype call on the day. I think you are being over sensitive about staying at a hotel. It comes up regularly that DILs mother usually gets top billing. It's perfectly normal and understandable in my book. Hope you can find a way to keep everyone happy and enjoy Christmas. You are a lucky lady to be so wanted!

For a few years after my ac married and had children they alternated between us and in laws going to one for Christmas and the other for New year. Then they almost unanimously put their foot down about spending the entire season 'on the road' and announced that Christmas would be spent in their own homes. Phew! What a relief all round. DH and I do our own thing for Christmas then we all get together taking turns to host New Year.

Go to your daughter and spend Christmas with her and, crucially, your own elderly father. That should be understandable to the others. Then you could visit your son and family after Christmas when you can actually stay in their house.

Why not have Xmas with your daughter then New Year abroad

Year about. Do though tell your DS and DiL that you are trying to be fair and that when you spend Christmas with them it will be totally with them, not staying in a hotel. They now have their own adult lives and you have to adjust.

It's always difficult to please all the bits of the family. In the early years of our marriage we lived close to my parents but 5 hours drive from my in-laws. Most years we spent Christmas Day with my parents and set off in the early hours of Boxing Day (DS asleep in car seat wrapped in duvet) to spend the rest of the holiday with DH's family.
DS now lives 5 hours away with his family and we've said that we're happy as long as we spend some of the Christmas period with them. Last Christmas we stayed with them for a few days at the beginning of the New Year and had a lovely time. I've already invited them to us for next Christmas but I expect them to leave Boxing Day or shortly thereafter to spend time with DiL's parents.
The last two Christmases have been the only ones in over 40 years that I haven't had to cook for the family. It's been a bit strange, but we've done things differently and just relaxed. As others have said, perhaps it's time to start a new pattern for the Christmas holiday. How about renting a holiday house near your son and share it with the in-laws if you all get on?

I agree with easybee.