I remember hating Christmas at one point as I knew there would be ‘issues’ over which parent was with us or not. One child has a family the other a partner, now is the time to say its time to new plans. Christmas in your own home and we will meet up all together at another time.
I'm sorry, I'm sure you are a nice caring person and clearly you want to do the best for everybody. I acknowledge that I came from a damaged family and that colours my views......but.........I just don't get it.
If you are Christians I can see it is an important festival. If not, what on earth is it all about? Why out yourself through this stress?
Let the inlaws do their thing and see the family for a lovely spring break. Adult children aren't children, they are adults.
Hi Nansnet you say in your post that there was an issue this past Christmas that was able to be resolved so as not to spoil the day. Take the same approach to this year's issue ... don't make a "thing" out of your dilemma. Make your choices/decisions and then go with the flow. I believe that your attitude can influence how people respond.
Anyway, you are not responsible for the feelings of every other adult in your family or how they react to disappointing situations. I think that most people in a family understand the nuances and subtleties of situations and will probably be very understanding of your decision, and all the things that needed to be considered.
I really think you need to relax a little about all this, its only April and a lot can happen between now and Christmas.
MOnica has a good suggestion. You can't please all the people all of the time and so don't get stressed trying. This sort of thing happens with most families and we have to reach some sort of accomodation. Try not to get into competition with the other grandparents, you all love your children and grandchildren.
Life becomes much more complicated when adult children live away from home and have children of their own. I would let your daughter know that you will be going to them this year for the simple reason your elderly father will be there. As Monica says new babies are lovely but have no interest in Christmas. Could you arrange to go to see them at New Year or in between? If you are flying long distance you presumably will be here longer than a couple of days? Be the better parent and let the in-laws have the spare room (I'd far prefer to stay in a hotel than with them but that's my preference) and then you can tell them you'll swap over next year.
I hope this doesn’t sound harsh, but I think there comes a time when “ our family” doesn’t really exist any more as a unit. Our children are now making their own family and we are periheral to those not central with them revolving around us.
From now on every Christmas will be different. If you can embrace that it will be fun!
Personally, in your circumstances, I would go to my daughter and then to my sons for New Year or before Christmas. It doesn’t have to be a precedent. Say something like “This year at Xs and next year we’ll come to you.”
Two things are clear:
1) You cannot split yourself in two;
2) One of your children will have to be disappointed.
Given those two immutable points, you should do what you want to do, and it seems to me that what you want is to be with your daughter and, particularly, to be able to spend Christmas with your father.
Things do change as our children grow, and we all have to make compromises. Your son will understand, and can have 'his turn' another year.
We too have loving children who both want us to be with them for Christmas, although only one is married, but our DS has a wife who is close to her parents as well.
Once grandchildren arrived, we started sharing. One year DS and family come to us for Christmas and go to her family for the New Year and the following year the pattern is reversed.
If I was you I would get ahead of the game by suggesting now that this be the pattern in future and be noble and offer to miss baby's first Christmas to stay with your daughter for Christmas this year. Babies at their first Christmas do not contribute much to the celebrations, bar sleepless nights, they are too small to take part and the presents mean nothing to them, whereas, by the second Christmas, they are the life and soul of the party. You also get the kudos for being generous and self sacrificing. It is a win/win. situation. You then visit for the New Year.
It then sets a pattern where neither child loses out, you will then be able to stay in your DS's spare bedroom.
I seem to remember a post last year about a very similar situation, disagreements between in-laws over Christmas arrangements.
Go to your daughter; she has invited you and wants you and surely it is her turn. Set a new precedent.
Your children are grown up; you have to make the compromises; be thankful they both want to host Christmas and want to see you.
Sorry, this is a long one! Quick background. My husband and I live a long way from both our son, DiL & GC, and also our daughter and her partner, but we live close to our DiL's parents. For years, myself and DiL's mum have taken turns to host Christmas for everyone. All has been good, until last Xmas when there was a bit of an 'issue' which created a bit of an atmosphere, although we did manage to sort it out in time, so as not to ruin the day! I know this seems all rather early to worry about, but as we all live so far away from each other, we need to book flights well in advance. Fast forward to this year, which is going to be the first Xmas ever that all my family won't be together. I knew this would happen one day, but it doesn't make it any easier! My son & DiL have decided, understandably, now that they have a child, they would like to have their 1st xmas in their own home, but both sets of grandparents would be invited. Whenever we visit our son & DiL, we always stay at their house. However, they only have one spare bedroom, so not enough room for us all to stay at their house at the same time. I personally don't like the idea of having to stay in a hotel, when the other set of grandparents would no doubt be staying with them. Stupid, I know, but it's the age-old paternal/maternal grandparent situation, and the idea of feeling 'left out/second best' kind of upsets me, and the 'issue' that we had last xmas doesn't make it any easier. It also happens to be the first xmas that our DD will not be coming to us, as she is with her partner, in their new home, and understandably doesn't want to be away from him again this xmas, plus he has work commitments, so unable to come over to us. However, she has also said she wants us to spend Xmas with them! I'm very close to both my son and daughter, so this is such a difficult situation to be in! I know my son will be disappointed if we don't spend xmas with them, as I think he automatically expects that we will, as we always have. But I also know that my daughter, who always very much looks forward to Xmas with family around, and is already excited at the prospect of hosting her 1st Xmas in her own home, will be very disappointed if we don't go to her. How do other parents/grandparents deal with this kind of situation, which inevitably must happen to most of us, at some point, as our children become adults, and get married? Part of me feels that because of the 'issue' we had last year, it'd be best if we went to my daughter's. But then we'd be missing out on seeing our GC, and I'd hate my son & DiL to think that we didn't want to spend xmas with them, which couldn't be further from the truth. Although, I do feel that the other GM would probably prefer it if we weren't there! The other part of me feels that I'd love to spend it with our daughter, who will also invite her own grandfather (my father, who lives close to her), who has often travelled to us for Xmas, but he's now quite elderly and not in the best of health, so I don't know how much longer he'll be around! So, what it boils down to is this:
1) I don't want to miss out on spending time with my GC.
2) I don't like the idea of spending Xmas in a hotel and feeling like I don't belong.
3) I know the other GM would prefer if we weren't there.
4) If we don't go I feel like I'm setting a precedent for coming years.
5) I hate disappointing either of my children.
6) My father would love for us to be at my daughter's.
I'm very new to this grandparent malarkey, and I'm really trying to do the right thing without causing havoc or upset! I know there are wise, experienced grandparents out there who can put their own spin on this kind of situation, I'd be very grateful for any advice! You can be as truthful and harsh as you like, I will take it onboard!
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join the discussion, watch threads and lots more.
Register now »Already registered? Log in with:
Gransnet »Get our top conversations, latest advice, fantastic competitions, and more, straight to your inbox. Sign up to our daily newsletter here.
