Bit of a dilemma

You have an embarrassment of riches. I hope you are feeling the gratitude especially when l think of the bad Christmas 's alot of people have.
Dawn

I’m with you Cindy.

As I know from years of experience, you cannot please everyone!

Over recent years, my husband and I have spent Christmas Day together, usually a day at the coast, and some awful Christmas movies, then Boxing Day, anyone who wants to come here, including extended family, are more than welcome, cousins all love seeing each other for a couple of days, and we all have a good time

No pressure though, if anyone doesn’t want to come, that’s fine

Basically I suppose what I’m saying is, do what YOU want to do, you won’t please everyone whatever you do

Hi guys, i would spend christmas day with my other half just the two of us and then on boxing day go and visit everyone else including any grandchildren problem solved!xx

have you discussed it with the other grandparents? or how about going away yourselves for christmas .and let s and dil have their own family christmas.after all you can see them in the new year. christmas gets hectic with all that many people in one house. i would sit down one weekend with all involved and discuss it.i would love to stay in a hotel after a busy christmas holiday...

Wow! I'm overwhelmed by all the responses! Thank you, they have been most helpful!
Just to clarify, myself, son & daughter all live in different countries, and all long-haul journeys, so spending
Christmas with one, and New Year with another, isn't really and option, due to time constraints, husband's work commitments, and of course, the cost of it all!
Also, the suggestions that I speak with the other GM and agree to alternate Christmas/New Year, isn't an option either. I know that there's no way on earth she would ever agree to that! She'll be there every year, Christmas AND New Year! And I certainly couldn't suggest to her that she takes her turn staying in a hotel - she would think that I was stepping way out of line! Yes, some of you will say that my son or DiL should decide what happens, and that we 'take turns', but DiL is very sweet and kind, and doesn't like any kind of confrontation, and my son simply likes to keep the peace with his wife and not cause any upset, understandable.
So, I guess it's up to me to make my own decisions ...
What most of you have said makes a lot of sense - I just needed to hear what other people thought about the situation. I agree that it's probably best for us to go to our daughter's this year and, more importantly, spend time with my father. It won't make feelings of missing out on time spent with my GC any easier, but as many of you have said, there will be plenty of other occasions for us to spend time together.
This grandparenting lark isn't the easy job I thought it would be ... but as long as I don't dwell on the other GM too much, I think things will turn out OK.
Thank you all so much for the advise ... and the pep talk that I very much needed!

In your original post you gave several options but to me you forgot the most important person and that is your father. Surely if he is elderly it's more important to spend time with him now as he won't always be here. Your GC and most probably more of them in the future are going to be here lot longer than your elderly father. How would you feel if you went to DS instead of your DD and then something happened to your father before the next Christmas. Put you father first and explain to your son why you are going to DD this year because your father will be there. There are years ahead to see your DGC and you can the alternate with MIL and one stay at Christmas and one at New Year. That's just my opinion of course.

Tell them both it's good to feel wanted and you are going to toss for it - with witnesses! Easier said than done, I know.

Imm6, DH & I agree with you about having your own space when visiting "faraway" DC & families. We have rented a holiday home in the area - this is heaven to us!

I agree with someone’s post that the daughter-in-law ‘s mother is always number 1 - I was like that with my mum and it is quite normal - just try to understand and accept it and don’t get competitive. You both love the children - that’s all that matters.

There are a lot of days over Christmas so l try and see all my grandchildren at some time over the festive period, it doesn’t necessarily have to be Christmas Day but I try and fit around what other family members are doing but I remain calm and manage to see everyone!!!

I think you should go to stay with your daughter this year and make it clear that you would love to alternate after this. You love them all but cannot be in two places at once.
Hopefully they will understand and your son and his wife will have the company of her parents.

Nansnet...1st have a drink of your choice, ☕️?breath out and relaxe!!
2nd..Follow Monica’s excellent advice!!
3rd..accept that from now on Christmas is all about compromising and chances are as Gm you will probably do the most compromising of anyone!!?
Enjoy the rest of the year!

I have never spent Christmas with my son since he got married. I have only spent a few Christmases with my adult daughter. It is not the end of the world. It can get really complicated trying to fit in with everyone, and even harder when there are step families, in laws or multiple generations involved. Somebody in the mix will insist on always hosting, or must be in their own home, and it can soon be like a game of dominoes, and all the carefully planned Rotas can collapse.
You cannot be in two places at once.
You cannot please everyone.
Consider the ages and health of the youngest and oldest. Do what fits best. Christmas Day is just one day. Most people have lots of days off around Christmas and New Year.

Message deleted by Gransnet for breaking our forum guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Go to your daughter and arrange a Skype call with the other family plus arrange a visit at another time?

Also I think I'd have a conversation about it with your son. Maybe not in great detail but letting him know that you are torn between going to him or his sister and have decided you need to see her this year.

At first while reading OP I was going to say it's a dilemma we have probably all had at some point and then it got to the part where you mentioned your dad and i knew what I would decide if in the same predicament. Go wherever your father is going to be and use his failing health as the reason for your decision , if you have to have a reason for anyone that is.

I think I'd go to daughter's if I were you, so you can have the honour of being at their first Christmas, in their new home, and you'll also be with your father too.

I expect your son would understand and not only that, he and his family might be glad not to have to host two sets of grandparents, given one stays and one set goes to an hotel. Arrange another time over Christmas to visit them and enjoy your DGC all to yourselves too. Might be easier and a blessing in disguise?

Suzan05, I think you should tell them how you feel. Put it very nicely so as not to cause upset, but just let them know. Sounds to me things have got out of hand. You need to start standing up for yourself.

And tell them to get a sofa bed. Or at the very least, a Z-bed.

We haven’t seen anyonefor Christmas or New Year for a few years. My children usually spend it with in laws who live locally to them. I have a DS and DD in the south of England, we are in the Midlands. Also a single DS, on the south coast, who won’t join anyone for either celebration and a DD who lives in Australia, no FaceTime with them either last Christmas as they were with in law’s.
My husband’s parents live about ten minutes away and every year invite one of my husband’s brothers and his partner for Christmas etc. We don’t get asked, even for a cup of coffee, they won’t come here as his mum who is 90 won’t leave the house.
It is me that goes monthly to help with childcare for my grandchildren belonging to the eldest two children, help my other son financially and practically. My husband has pointed out that I’m only contacted when help is needed, some of which I’ve done for five years travelling up and down the country. I didn’t want to admit the fact but reading this has made it clear. Christmas, New Year, Mother’s Day, etc are not celebrated together. I do realise that they now have their own families but as all the in laws live close to them we seem to get missed out. They know that they are all invited here for Christmas, New Year or at any other time but there’s always an excuse. We haven’t had any visitors since July 2016. I have toys, baby things, cot etc. I am always made very welcome when I go to help but sleep on the sofa every night as even the ones with thee bedrooms have made the second bedroom into two office spaces. The other couple only have two bedrooms. I love every minute I spend with them, just feeling sad that I miss out on so much that the other grandparents go to etc. Strange that if they want to go away for a day or two or want someone to look after a child overnight it’s me that gets the phone call. Life is different now and I think we just have to ‘go with the flow’

I'm with Jane10. Go to your daughter and partner, that way you can enjoy another Christmas with your father and I'm sure your son will understand that.

So I am agreeing with Imm6.

Myself, I just say "I will be here. If anyone wants to come, you are welcome". So far they've all come.

nice little hotel

First of all can I just say that I would much rather sleep in a nice little and go to the family after a lovely hotel breakfast. But that's just me.

Apart from that, you just need to choose don't you? No one else can do it for you. Where do you think you yourself would have the nicest Christmas. Decide that and go for it.

You would not be setting a precedent.

Okeydokey, I can't get my head round it. I am a worrier but I wouldn't be worrying about 24 hours on the coldest , bleakest time of the year and placating adults.

Anyway Nansnet, hope you get a solution to your dilemma.