The mouse that roared

Growing up within a large family of girls we were always expected to be polite, unselfish and dutiful ...... fast forward a few decades and I finally learnt it's not selfish to consider my own needs and wants. If I don't take care of myself and don't respect myself no one else will, why would they if I've not shown any boundaries. I always give people the benefit of the doubt and would always help anyone in need, I've just learnt that helping isn't always 'doing' sometimes it's passing on the problem solving skills of independence ... otherwise known as being unavailable or saying 'no, sorry I can't' It's taken a lot of years for this lion to find her voice

Kitty assertiveness isn’t about being selfish and not helping other people.
And it’s not just about being able to say no.
I think of it more as being about saying ‘yes’ for the right reasons.
Saying ‘yes’ because you genuinely want to help your neighbour with the shopping, for example, rather than because you can’t say no.

And if you say yes for the right reasons, then you don’t expect anything in return, because you’ve genuinely wanted to help in the first place.

I'll do all I can to help anyone in need,its how I was raised .I dont believe I'm a "doormat" because I care .I look after my GC because I want to and enjoy looking after them and teaching them things their mothers dont/cant.I have always given a % of my earnings to childrens charities ..thats also my choice so when I'm bombarded by phone calls for the most recent crisis I tell them my money is already spoken for and I will only give what I can when I can to a different charity.We are all different and surely thats how its meant to be it would be a very strange world if we were all the same .

Sometimes you have to say yes to something to please others. It’s not always about you.

Having said that, I went from a very selfish teenager/young adult; to a mother who then (I think I gave birth to my brain) suddenly felt I needed to please everyone.

After a serious illness, I’ve become a little ‘hard’ again due to self preservation. I’ve cut some people from my life who were horrid. I will say no unless someone I care about needs me. I still don’t put myself first if it comes to my children/grandchildren but then I think if you have them your needs come second. Otherwise, don’t have them.

I also, like Paddyann give to a couple of charities (monthly) that mean a lot to me.

Guilt is a huge factor in people pleasing. So many who pressurise others when they have no right to. So many who please even if it makes them uncomfortable.

Please the people who matter and learn to say no to those who don’t I guess.

Like GrandmainOz, regarding other people I turned a corner (learning to say "no") at 40 - then again (more so) at 50 & at 60. Now that 70 is just on the horizon, my family continue to be important & I help them as I can. But nowadays I see (socially) only those friends whose company I enjoy and whose company is in no way "draining".

I prefer to be asked to do something by text. Then I can have a think and decide how i want to reply. When someone phones to ask a favour it's hard to think quickly.

I have always been 'just a girl who can't say no'. You wouldn't believe some of the daft things I've done that I really didn't want to. Prior to getting married in the 1960s, I bought a wedding dress from a friend, although I really didn't like it. I didn't like to say no when she offered to sell it to me. I didn't wear it on my wedding day. That's just one instance. What a dope. I'm learning though, at this late stage.

inishowen, when someone asks a favour on the phone I would say, I can't promise,but I'll get back to you on that one. With me, I have got older and wiser. I would always help anyone if I could, no matter what I had planned more so in illnesses. Some years ago I used to think my name was 'can ya' all I heard was can ya do this and can ya do that. What with trying to cope with my own troubles which I kept to myself, I started to get panic attacks and bad anxiety trying to cope with it all. Through the doctor I went on an anxiety management course for 6 weeks every Monday morning and among other things, how to be assertive. I admit it's taken a few years to put it into practice but as I've said I've got older. wiser and more worn out as we all do. So now I've started to please me. If I can do something for someone I surely will. The trouble is, some people can't take no for an answer and want to know the ins and outs of why not. Grrr. Then they turn tut and think you're the 'funny bugger' for saying no. It happens in the work place too. The lazy get away with it and the 'yes person' gets put upon and does the extra work. Bosses always know who they can rely on to say yes all the time. Those who say no they leave alone. Don't be doormats, just say no. You're not obliged to please them all. Yes of course we all have to put other peoples needs and welfare before our own sometimes but refusing an invite, babysitting, waiting in for the neighbours delivery etc is a choice we can make. We deserve to do what we want to do now and again and not feel guilty about it. I'm now going to confess, My dear daughter who is going on holiday for a few days in May and again in June has asked me if I could go and feed her cats for her. Yes I said!

Jane, I know it's about being assertive not being selfish - but not everyone wants to be assertive and some of us want to be helpful, if we can, because it pleases us to be so..

You can be helpful as a rule while still saying no. This makes me sad that women see it as an either or situation.

I think this is part of a lot of issues between MILs and DILs. Younger generations of women are learning that it is acceptable to say no to things they don’t want. Whereas older generations of women were taught that they were never allowed to say no if they wanted to be “nice girls”.

Putting ones self first, isn’t the same as being selfish.

kitty you can be kind and assertive.
As summerlove says, it’s not either or.

It’s about knowing when too much is being reasonably expected of you, or if you’re being taken for granted, and putting yourself first in those situations.

Sometimes, doing something you don't want to do because it helps someone else, is more valid than doing something you want to do.

Anyone can do something they wanted to do anyway, but a real friend will help you whatever the cost.

BradfordLass, the discussion is not about selfishly only doing things we want to do versus not doing things we don't want to do. That is not the point at all. There will be many occasions when we are all asked to do things that we don't particularly like doing, the timing is not good, we are busy etc. but we do it. The discussion is about feeling confident that we have the right to refuse a request as well as the right to accept a request because we care about our friend, family member, community issue etc, not because we feel guilty, pressured or obligated to do so.

Being able to say 'no' does not negate that there are times when we say 'yes' simply because it is the right thing to do. Agreeing to every request can sometimes be more about a person needing to be needed rather than other people's needs. It is not an either/or, helpful person vs unhelpful person situation. Like most things it is all about balance and mutual respect for our own and other people's rights.

Totally right Apricity It's not about being selfish at all.

If it were about being selfish, then we would do nothing for anyone, ever - we all know people like that! We also all know people who commit to doing everything for everyone who asks, and end up burnt out.

Sometimes immediate family pay the cost of such assiduousness to all. Have you read "A song for Issy Bradley"? The pastor in that is so much at the beck and call of his parishioners, driving people to appointments, filling in forms for them, doing things for everyone, that he is not free to grieve with his wife at the death of their child. Everyone is so used to his immediate attention that it doesn't occur to them to do it themselves or find someone else to ask

Bradfordlass a real friend would realise the strain she is putting on a friend by asking all the time. We can still help by saying no and encouraging them to do it themselves.

I find it very difficult to ever say "no" to anyone who asks/demands my time. I rarely (if ever) ask for a favour in return as I am pretty sure that if I did I would only end up disappointed.

When my phone rings and or a text pings and I see the caller name, I can guess what is coming and it is never, "hi how are you"? its almost always "can you or will you" . I have even practised saying "sorry, no I can't" but whilst the words are in my head they never quite make it into my mouth !

I can recommend "A Woman in Your Own Right" by Anne Dickenson - though when I read it I stumbled at the first hurdle, couldn't do the exercise (at home!) taking coffee back to a counter because it's cold, and not saying sorry'!

There is no way I could take anything back to a counter without saying sorry (although I do get that I shouldn't be the person complaining about the cold coffee who should be apologising) . I think it is just in our nature that we do apologise for almost everything.

I tend to accommodate people if I possibly can, especially my AC and our DGC.

I often find myself going to events I'd rather not go to, (I am a bit of a home bird) but because friends asked I make the effort. I usually find I am glad I didn't make an excuse and I think getting out of our comfort zone is also a bonus to being agreeable.

If I really cannot do something I will say so. I have lately realised I don't always have to provide the reasons why, but I usually do.

I must learn some polite but firm stock phrases for refusal.

Ha ha. Good point! Why do we always say "sorry" - when it isn't our fault?

Day6 we can’t help it, we’re British
www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.buzzfeed.com/amphtml/robinedds/things-that-will-make-a-british-person-say-sorry

Such good tips on here! I like the idea of ‘I’ll get back to you’. Giving me time to think it through. I find it easier to be asked by text too rather than being put on the spot.

Oh janeainsworth that list made me laugh out loud!

Some of them are so ridiculous but we still apologise! Forwarded to AC and a few friends!

i think it’s two different things. If I can help my family and friends in any way I will, and do so gladly.
But I’m quite tough about saying no to things I don’t want to do, or people I don’t want to spend time with. I haven’t always been like this, I’ve spent many boring evenings with people I’m not interested in, and years trying to get along with some family members, saying no, is incredibly liberating, my husband, who is obviously nicer than me, has kept up the friendships, but I have opted out, and I’ve never regretted it