Should I visit terminally ill friend who has just moved to a hospice?

As a hospice nurse I would say don't phone the hospice as they should only give information to chosen family. If you have not heard from her husband you could take a chance and go to hospice (you say it is not far from you). You may get to see her, you may not, but at least you have tried.

I would call the hospital. I am sure they will be aware of the families wishes. Things happen so quickly and in his grief her husband may even have thought he returned your call. When my best friend died in a hospice her husband thought he had left a message on our answer phone when she died but the first I heard was when he called to tell me about the funeral plans. Even though I had visited her a few days before it was a great shock.

I would take a card and flowers to the hospice. Ask the person to whom you give them if your friend would like a visit or not. Then wait for the person to give her the flowers and card and come back with a reply. You will know then that she had you last message and that her wish with respect to visitors was obeyed.

Well the hospice will know whether the patient is up to receiving visits or not, at the very least. If she is too ill to have let them know her preferences then it's simple - she's too ill to visit.

Get yourselves into gear and get down there NOW your friend is still alive and needs a kiss and a hug and maybe her husband does as well. You cannot do that with a corpse. YES everybody needs a kis and a hug including the husband.
GET MOVING before it is too late

4allweknow - so sorry and sad to hear about you daughter. ?

I certainly wouldn't want friends as visitors around my death bed. It would be total intrusion for me. Think on and be kind and selfless. I'm talking about bosom buddies here and not more casual acquaintances.

RobertAnthony who says they need a hug?

When I was losing a close loved one the only hug I wanted was from the person who couldnt hug me because they were dying.

The friend may hurt all over and not want to be hugged. Sounds like the OP is the one who may want that hug but needs to get it elsewhere for now.

Barging in deciding that everyone needs her hugs would serve no one but the OP

I am very sorry to read this. I lost my best friend of 30 years towards the end of last year. She died in a hospice and did not want anyone to see her in what she described as a 'reduced state' (she had bowel cancer) so only allowed her husband and son to visit. I saw her about four months before she died; we had lunch together. She was feeling and looking well at the time and that is how I'll remember her. I have a photo of her - looking beautiful and vibrant, which she was - and I treasure it. I agree with other posters that you should respect her wishes and those of her family. When the inevitable happens, is there something you can do in her memory? I promised my friend that on her birthday each year, I'd do something to celebrate her life. It would have been her 65th birthday in late May, so I'm planning a day trip to the city where she grew up. I shall raise a glass to her and think about the lovely times we had together and what a beautiful person she was.

Send her pretty cards each day telling her how much she means to you.
Tell her you'll meet again....
if you believe that.

Very sorry to hear your friend is so unwell and you’ve not been able to see her. Maybe not a good idea to pop in unannounced but you could send her a card and let her know you are thinking of her lots, maybe a little gift to help cheer her up. Xx

4allweknow - so sorry to hear about your loss

He's probably too swamped by events but call him in the first instance and if you can't get him then call the hospice to find out if she's having visitors other than family. If she's not then send a note/card with your thoughts and love. Not sure kittylester's idea of a plant or flowers is a good one but flowers would be nice I think.

Having read various memoires of people with cancer - who usually end up having the last chapter written by their partner being too ill to finish writing, I'd say that the last days are a fine juggling act to even get pain relief that's effective. The strain of simply having to look grateful for the flowers your friend has brought in is enough to make the pain break through again. So it's a jolly good idea to find out the condition of the patient before visiting anyone in hospital or hospice. It's possible that the most appropriate visit is one where you just gently tell the person you're there then sit quietly by the bed for a while. Or read to them from whatever book they were in the middle of when they became too weak to hold the book any more.

Magrithea I'd say don't phone the partner, he may be trying to catch up on some sleep and then be terrified that it's the hospice ringing him. He can't exactly turn his phone to silent in order to sleep like most of us can. The people who say call the hospice have it right, I think. If the man hasn't answered his email, then I'd think that's a negative sign. Has CristalTipps been back to us yet?

I did pop a card round yesterday- just saying she and her family were in our thoughts and let us know if she would like a visit , put in phone numbers etc. So far no reply so we will leave it there. The lady at reception said - oh you can pop in and visit anyone here anytime, but I just said we didn’t want to visit unannounced and would wait to hear from the family. Obviously as people on here have said she could be too unwell/ sedated etc and may not welcome a visit and it’s about her and her families’ needs and wishes not ours. It’s very hard as it was only a 4 months ago that we were having lunch and arranging a future outing, she was talking about her golden wedding and an exciting holiday planned. ?

It's all so sad. Life can be so cruel

I'd go along with ring the hospice

Sorry to disagree, but I’d take direction from her husband. A long term friend and neighbour of my mother visited her at home every day, and her sole topic of conversation was that a cure was just around the corner! My mother dreaded her visits! Your friend may not feel comfortable telling staff in a hospice what visitors she would or wouldn’t like, and I’m sure they would have told Mum’s neighbour she’d be very welcome!
I have worked with many patients at the end of their life, and some wish to avoid the topic of their impending death, while others have so much they want to say, but their families feel they must avoid it.

How sad. I do not think you should visit unless invited. I would send her a card and some flowers, and also ask her husband if you can be of any help. Maybe he would appreciate help with meals or housework if he is spending a lot of time at the hospice.

4allweknow so sorry to hear about your daughter.Sending love and caring thoughts to you.

crystaltipps
I am glad you have managed to come to a decision, at what must be a very sad time for you. You sound like a very kind, considerate friend.