I think I need help!

Bekind - ouch! So your problems are basically because your children don't get on and want you to choose between them? Phew.... not experienced that t.b.h. only sibling quabbles that I refuse to be drawn into and they sort themselves out.

Personally, I would NOT be drawn into it! Tell them ALL you love them the same and will not be blackmailed/forced into complying with acting against any of them. Then ....leave them to it!

Concentrate on YOUR life and your enjoyment. You don't OWE them any more than you have done. Don't feel guilty - just keep an open door and get out there living your life for you! We only have ONE .... Good luck and please please stop bowing to anyone else. Children/friends/partners anyone.... x

I know; when our children hurt we hurt but when they're hurting each other it's even worse.

I have one child.

That's funny, Labaik! A lot of my unhappiness has come from my children's relationship with each other! I pictured getting old with lots of fun family celebrations with lots of cousins running around playing! Ha! My kids can't be in the same room!

See; it's all your fault for having three..[only joking]. We can't do right for doing wrong can we.....[sigh]...

Yes! She has always been in competition with her sister AND brother and now with the other grandchildren. She is the middle child.

Out of interest, do you have children and grandchildren agnurse or do you just have an 'ology' ?

It's not just the absence of abuse.

It's a relationship where the child is given freedom to grow and develop as an individual. It's a relationship where the parent and child are not each other's only sources of emotional support - that isn't healthy. It's a relationship where the parent accepts the role of parent when the child is young and provides guidance, but gives the child opportunities to learn and grow and recognizes that when the child becomes an adult, he/she is becomes the parent's peer and has the right to make his/her own decisions - even if that means it's not what the parent would have wanted. It's a relationship where the parent allows the child the right to privacy and individuality.

Basically, it's a relationship where the parent doesn't treat the child as a "mini me", friend (in childhood), therapist, or surrogate spouse, and conversely, where the parent doesn't infantilize the child either.

it is still possible that you may have had an unhealthy relationship with your child

How do you define a healthy parent-child relationship, agnurse?
Presumably it is not simply the absence of abuse.
Genuine question from someone who feels that most of us just muddle through, doing our best.

The dreaded sibling rivalry. Never goes away, does it . Out of interest, is your daughter the eldest one?

That's my critical examination of my behavior.

I am experiencing estrangement because my daughter hates her brother and his wife so much that she wanted me to tell them they could not come to my house while she was there. When I refused, she said I picked them, and wrote me out of her life.

Bekind...I don't know what has gone on in your life to make your daughter shove you out of her life. All I can say is..you have brought your children up! You DESERVE peace now to carry on your life as you want to. If this is a sort of BLACKMAIL attempt....it is up to you whether you comply or stick to your guns.

I can empathise with you as I have six children, all with children of their own. They sometimes try to 'blackmail' me into looking after their children when I have other plans. Yes, I help when I can BUT when I want to do my own thing...I do it! I never bow to feeling 'guilty'....done that, been there, worn the t-shirt.... Sometimes one, or other has gone off in a huff and I just leave them to it! TBH..I would NEVER be blackmailed with any of my children. THIS is MY time now!

So in answer to your question would a therapist help? NO, just stick to your guns and tell your kids exactly what you will and won't do and start to live YOUR life the way you want to. Good luck hon x

BradfordLass72

In fairness, some people are so caught up in a toxic relationship that they don't realize at first that it IS toxic. This is commonly referred to as being in the FOG: Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. It may take years for the individual to realize that there is a problem.

Now, I am not saying that everyone here is toxic. That said, if you are currently experiencing estrangement, it might be beneficial to critically examine your own behaviour and to consider counselling. Even if you aren't "toxic" per se, it is still possible that you may have had an unhealthy relationship with your child.

I think you make a good point, Labaik. I think I put myself first because I spend most of my time doing what I want now, but as I'm doing it, I am thinking of my children!

Bekind; perhaps you need to relearn how to put yourself first; something we find very difficult when we have children. If you need help to do so, sobeit. I've always felt that those of us that try not to interfere in our childrens lives but do everything we can to support them in any way possible are often taken for granted. I've had several estrangements from my children [thankfully all ok at the moment] and still have no idea what I did to deserve it.crazyH

I'm so sorry about your son! My daughter has put me in the freezer off and on her whole life, but I thought she would outgrow it once she had children of her own. Not only did she still turn on me, but is enjoying using her children to punish me. She has told her sister she is not even going to tell us when her baby is born!

This is good to know! I have made my appointment! I hope I can get some kind of relief!

I had counselling last year due to estrangement from my elder son, it made a massive difference to me. I had been constantly worrying about exactly what I had done that was so wrong, and the counsellor made me see that this wasn't about me, it is about my son. This is his problem, not mine.

It really helped me to let go of any guilt I had about what was happening. Not to say, I don't still worry about never seeing him and his family again, but I feel much better having spoken to someone independent of family.

Hugs!

As long as you don't start blaming yourself Bekind.

My son had a strange freak and wrote me the sort of e-mail you doubtless received and up to then, literally only days before, we'd had a laughing 2 hour phone conversation (a frequent thing in those days).

He was always a little unpredictable but had never said any of the awful things which came out in the letter.

It took me ages and wonderful therapy from my younger son, to convince me it wasn't me at fault.

My reasoning now, and advice to others in the same position, is that if we were such evil monsters, why did they not 'divorce' us years ago? Why now, suddenly?

It's that which tells you it is no fault of yours.

I'm glad there's a sort of peace in your relationship.
I have not heard from my son in almost 2 decades.

thank you, hdh74!

sorry this is the thread www.gransnet.com/forums/relationships/1260550-Support-for-all-who-are-living-with-estrangement

So sorry to hear that bekind - I know how terribly painful this is. Haven't tried therapy so far. There's a thread here that you might like to read if you're not already aware of it www.gransnet.com/forums/threads-im-on

This is not are rare as you might imagine Bekind as sadly children do move on and away, geographically and emotionally.