Dreading the future

Susie.... don't fear the worst, enjoy every moment of your day and holidays. I lost my husband when he was only 43, kissed goodbye one morning and that was the last time my 3 children and I saw him, he collapsed and died of a heart attack that afternoon. Never in a million years did we expect that. This was 21 years ago, it was hard and I too thought about family times and holidays gone forever, but not so. Friends have been amazing and life does pick up again, no matter what..... absorb every minute!! I'm now a grandma to 3 gorgeous children.

Just re-read what I wrote above, and of course the last word in the first para should be "husband".

Thank you for the encouraging words and good advice.xx

Susie and Susan: I do hope your worst fears are unfounded and that you get to go on your planned holidays. However, I think an incident like this can wake you up to the fact that one day your marriage will end in the death of one spouse, and that is most often the wife.

My husband and I were married for 46 years before he died of prostate cancer. We were close and loving, and particularly enjoyed travel and holidays together, but we had always pursued separate, as well as joint, leisure interests and had some separate friends - we didn't always socialise as a couple or rely entirely on each other. We felt that this helped to keep our relationship healthy, and hadn't really thought of it as "future-proofing" against bereavement, but during my husband's terminal illness, he kept encouraging me to maintain and develop my interests and my independent social life.

After he died, I came to realise how wise this approach had been. I still had my friends and my interests, and more importantly, the confidence and resilience needed to go out there and get on with my life. It isn't easy learning to be a widow and do everything on your own, but I think it would have been much harder for me if we had always lived in each other's pockets and done nothing independently.

You can't spend every day anticipating widowhood, but you can perhaps develop some independent interests and activities that don't rely on your husband. This can be fulfilling and rewarding, and may help make you less afraid of facing a lonely old age.

Also airlines have their own rules about flying after surgery which vary of course according to what type of surgery

Don’t forget about informing your insurance company <ever practical> and ask medical advice re flying after surgery. Hope it works out.

I wondered if the writings of others struggling with life events may help. For instance Jarem Sawatsky in his book ^Dancing with Elephants^ He talks about mindfulness and living in the moment. In other words not worrying about things that may never happen. His book is worth reading and it has helped me personally to get to grips with dealing with my unwelcome diagnosis of early Alzheimers

Thanks mcem he seemed quite positive tonight when I visited in a lot of pain post op but ok fingers crossed re holiday xx

A bit different but may be reassuring.
Last year I broke my hip and had to have it pinned and plated. I had booked a week in Disneyland Paris for myself and DGC (18, 9 and 8) in mid July.
With enthusiastic support from physiotherapists I decided not to cancel.
We made it just 6 weeks later! I used a walking stick and it was tiring but we had a terrific time !

[Susiewakie] you sound so much more positive! Go easy on the holiday though, take one day at a time. I hope he feels better when you see him today.

Susie and Susan...thinking of you and hoping that you will be able to go on your planned holidays.
I'm in a bit of a shock as well......something's not quite right with our new neighbours. The husband and children haven't been seen for a couple of weeks. The young mum is there on her own. And people are taking flowers in to her. But none of us know what's happening and we don't like to ask because they haven't integrated well .
I only hope it's nothing too serious.

Thanks for the kind words we are 7 weeks in he had another operation yesterday on his arm it went well . I am going to stock the fridge have my hair done and visit him with Greek guidebooks onwards and upwards no more moping and eating rubbish thanks so much for listening xx

You have had an awful shock, and it has left you reeling. You are dreading the worst, but the worst may not happen. Concentrate on supporting your husband, try to be cheerful when you visit him, accept all the support and help you are offered, and try not to look on the dark side. Make sure you look after yourself too: eat even if you don’t feel up to it, just have small nourishing meals, try to get some sleep, have a walk every day, get your hair done, buy something nice to wear even if it is only a bright cotton scarf.

Hi Susie,I could have written your post.My husband had an accident six weeks ago,needs surgery but not urgent so is at home.We too are booked to go on holiday at the end of June,I ask him every day are you sure you will be up to it.I too have a full life with family but like you,I feel we are two halves of a whole and I think at times my thoughts have gone along the same lines as yours.I don’t know how long ago your husbands accident was,we are six weeks in and we are both definitely starting to feel more positive.Thinking of you both.xx