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Dreading the future

(41 Posts)
Susiewakie Mon 06-May-19 09:29:46

Hi I don't normally post much but I read lots of good advice so here goes..
Recently my husband had a accident he was badly hurt and is currently in hospital.
I am so lonely as we are a close couple with similar interests etc. Don't get me wrong friends and family have been great with support online etc .What I'm trying to badly explain I feel of DH did die omg life would be very dull. I'm just depressed I think I still work look after mum mil and 1 day a week my beloved DGD's . Hopefully DH will still be able to go on holiday end of June ,! Thanks for reading,/ listening just needed to vent I think x

petra Thu 09-May-19 19:40:51

Is it really 18 months. I still remember your post that day.
Unbelievably sad flowers

Susiewakie Thu 09-May-19 18:03:59

Hi everyone thanks for the kind words DH is improving slowly.I am so sorry for saying dull I couldn't find the right words to explain really .My heart goes out to those of you who have lost DH or are terminally ill I think I am lucky he is recovering and will make the most of outings etc with friends and family as well x

MawBroonsback Wed 08-May-19 19:45:05

You have indeed been through the mill Annsixty - the cruel years of coping with your DH’s dementia at home and then these last few months in the care home and hospital, the midnight dashes to A&E and the constant draining stress.
Losing PawBroon 18 months ago although it feels much, much more recent, I too find “dull” far from being the worst there was to fear. The yawning loss, crying at the drop of a hat, the pain of knowing he was suffering, the lonely days and lonelier nights , knowing I will never hear his voice again or feel his arms round me - the total sense of being on my own without my life’s partner, knowing that he will never see his grandchildren grow up and afraid they will forget him, losing the one person who understood me and loved me with all my faults. All those emotions frequently overwhelm me.
I am sincerely glad to gather that OP’s DH is on the mend enough to contemplate a holiday at the end of June and hope all goes smoothly.
However, “the best laid plans” etc and if things do not go quite as well as you hoped, be patient and just be grateful you do still have him.
When those of us who married in church used the words “until death do us part” - I wonder if we realised what we were saying?
One or other of a couple will have to face that reality.

annsixty Wed 08-May-19 19:21:56

I have only just read this thread.
I can assure the OP that if her husband did die she would be very fortunate if dull was the only feeling she had.
My husband died just under 3 weeks ago, bereft, unbelieving, numbness,grieving are just some of my emotions just now.
I am trying to imagine a future without my H of over 60 years and at the moment I cant, feeling life is now dull would be a relief.

Anneliese63 Wed 08-May-19 16:54:50

Like Luckygirl my DH has an incurable disease, and we have no idea how long he will live. And as it is a degenerative disease, his health will continue to deteriorate, which is the hardest thing to accept, as he has always been fit and healthy. I echo what mosaicwarts says about discussing your demise. We didn’t, and it is too hard to do at the moment. I’m trying hard to stay cheerful and to live one day at a time, and enjoy whatever time we have left. And I think that is the most important thing for us all, as the future is unpredictable and none of us knows what lies round the corner.

So Suzie and Susan I hope your husbands continue to improve and that you are both able to go on holiday.

Luckygirl Wed 08-May-19 15:43:35

My OH is here at home on palliative care. He has end-stage PD and had a fall about 6 weeks ago and since his surgery he has gone downhill very fast and is now basically a helpless invalid - cannot stand, or shift his position, cannot walk, incontinent etc.

I have no idea how long he will live - could be till tomorrow, or 6 months, or anything really. However my family and friends are encouraging me to do my best to keep up my normal activities as far as possible, and I am trying to do that - although it is very expensive as I have to pay for carers to be with him while I am out. I have got better at switching off when I am out; and I know it is the right thing to do.

Please do not dwell on the "might-be's" - you do not know the whether or when regarding his life's end; and all we can do is keep up normal life to the best we can. There really is no other way.

I do hope very much that your OH makes a full recovery and that you are able to share a holiday together - maybe not the one currently planned, but perhaps another.

mosaicwarts Wed 08-May-19 15:21:04

In hindsight, when my late husband became ill I wished we'd discussed our 'wishes' for our demise. It is a 'what if' opportunity and sadly we didn't take it. When he died suddenly of a heart attack it was hellish trying to find all the paperwork etc, choose the music for his funeral etc.

Illness does open the conversation and I've encouraged my kids to get their affairs in order from a young age, and to continue to do so throughout their adult life.

I hope your husband isn't in pain, and makes a full recovery. It is hard to concentrate when you are so shocked and scared - I recommend getting involved in a puzzle or crossword to occupy your mind during this stressful time.

Remember to look after you too. xx

Elderlyfirsttimegran Wed 08-May-19 14:57:20

Sorry, first words should have been - so many. Lesson: read before I press Post!

Elderlyfirsttimegran Wed 08-May-19 14:55:05

So MMA year of us share the same story. My husband died over 40 years ago from cancer. He was 41 we were married for only 7 years and had 3 children under 5. I kissed him goodbye at the hospital where was having chemo and got a phone at 6 a.m. the following morning saying he had died during the night. It was dreadful. I married again 6 years later and lost him to cancer 4 years ago. I’ve found it terribly difficult to live my own life as I had cared for my mother for 28 years and seem to have spent my whole life looking after other people but not myself.

Chino Wed 08-May-19 11:37:06

We have had to cancel 3 holidays in the last year due to various tests and not being covered by insurance for them, the last cancellation being in April when I broke my right wrist and had to have an operation 2 days before we should have travelled
We now have a 4 day holiday booked for July so hope we manage to get there especially as my 86 year old husband is now saying he will not want to go abroad after this as he is worried about being taken ill when out of the country

Ellpammar19 Wed 08-May-19 11:32:23

I thought that I would lose my husband 15 years ago. however things turned out OK but it changed my life. I have always enjoyed various hobbies and interests but became more pro active. I have met many widows, some with no family at all, most ‘get out there’ and seem to enjoy life. However, I have found that although they are friendly and warm, they do not seem to want to take it any further if I suggest coffee or meeting up. I wonder if they do not want to appear ‘needy or because I am married. One lady confided in me but had since distanced herself. Women are complex, perhaps more so than men. Some seem to talk endlessly about their various friends and relatives which really blocks you out. Have any of you got a take on this?

Pippa22 Wed 08-May-19 11:19:16

That’s lovely Kim and just how I feel having lost my husband at only 53. The grandchildren would have adored him and he would have been a very doting, hands on grandad. That is really sad.

A big part of being a couple I still miss is pottering about at home not actually doing anything together necessarily but just being there. Even silence as a couple can be comfortable.

Kim19 Wed 08-May-19 10:58:05

Like many, my 'fit, healthy, sporty' Husband died in an instant. Whilst I realise daily this is not the life I had hoped for, it is not so bad. The second best path can be adapted in the interests of those around us. Whilst I would drop everything at a stroke to have him back, I'm certainly not miserable and I do my sadness in private at all times. What I miss most is my heart flip at the sound of him coming through the door and, the ever faithful, someone to do nothing with. I'm sad that His GC never met him but he might have an eye on them. Who knows? I say again, in my experience, widowhood is not all bad. We never forget. Just adapt and try to honour the memory by not openly moping.

Newatthis Wed 08-May-19 10:31:27

Please, please don't worry about things you have no control over. It's difficult I know but try to change your mindset to more positive thinking. I used to be very a negative person, always thinking the worse might happen until it started making me ill (negative thoughts can have a serious effect on you immune system) so I changed to thinking more positively and life is much better. If you can't control the outcome then don't worry about it. Think about the positives you have in life such as spending time with your DGD - many of us can't spend time with our GC because of distance or whatever. I am sure it will all turn out well and you will have a fabulous holiday with your husband.

SusieB50 Wed 08-May-19 10:23:19

I know that feeling exactly .We had a life changing moment March 2018 . My DH had been diagnosed with gall stones (couple of small ones ) and was due to have an operation in April 2018 . Suddenly he became VERY ill and was taken to hospital with Sepsis and a ruptured gall bladder . He nearly died ,was in ITU for 2 weeks. He eventually came home with a large open abdominal wound and was looked after by the community nurses for weeks .Our holiday was cancelled ( a minor detail really) with no money back as he had already stated he had gall stones! One year later he is still not fully recovered, BUT we have booked a holiday with all the family . Here's hoping !
The whole event made me think seriously about things and to expect the unexpected . We have been together for nearly 50 years although not always hunky dory, I have a few friends whose partners have died and they have been amazing in picking themselves up and building a new life . It is definitely good to have a life other than your partner and your family . If I die first though DH will not have a clue . Despite my trying all the time encouraging him to learn to use the machines, all he can manage is the microwave ! At least he won't starve..

trendygran Wed 08-May-19 10:00:50

grannyticktock. How I agree with your wise words to Susiewakie. My DH died very suddenly from a ruptured aorta ,10 and and a half years ago now. Those ten years have been difficult,especially as I also lost my younger daughter,aged 33.
We had no retirement at all together. I had to make my own life and was glad that we did have some different interests ,so I could build on those and make new friends .I never expected to be left alone so suddenly .We had been married for 37 years and my DH was only 66. Susiewakie, hopefully your DH will make a good recovery so that you can have your holiday. Holidays are one of the most difficult areas when left alone. I have been on a few with female friends and a couple on my own, but they just aren’t the same . Make the most of time together, but try and stop worrying. ,if you can.

Tamayra Wed 08-May-19 09:56:58

Same story line My husband was 59 & we had 6 children
4 teenagers & 2 littlies
It was soooo hard
Now I have 7 adored Grandkids

Aepgirl Wed 08-May-19 09:54:47

Susiewakie you are clearly in great shock at the moment. Of course, you are worried, and you have nothing to be ashamed of. I think, like me, you have take each day as it comes. Nothing can stop you worrying about the future, but your husband is alive so you can be grateful for that. What I would say is that you should accept all the help offered to you, both practical and emotional, and share your feelings with people who are willing to listen. You WILL get through this. We women are strong and resilient.

chris8888 Wed 08-May-19 09:52:43

Give yourself time to adjust.

Dillyduck Wed 08-May-19 09:48:59

Your husband is still alive. I found mine dead in bed after a massive heart attack, he was 58, I was 54. Your husband may have had what a consultant referred to as a "life changing moment", this will be the beginning of an entirely new chapter in your life. Count your blessings, and for the moment, don't look too far ahead. You may have to change a few things around, temporarily at least, especially what you do for MIL. Contact your holiday insurer asap, hopefully you have insurance? Quite honestly, that's the least of your worries at the moment.
What is the nature of your husband's injuries? Has he had surgery?

Hm999 Wed 08-May-19 09:46:53

I think Susie's words resonate with all of us, being lonely/alone in our later years, regardless of marital situation.
Like retirement, we all have to plan in advance for major changes in our lives. I know of several couples who were convinced the husband would die first due to long-term health issues, when wife just dropped dead. My point is all of us have to prepare.
Three questions I would ask are
does one partner do all the cooking or household bills or driving?
do we have a life beyond the front door?
how will we cope when we can't drive?

Paperbackwriter Wed 08-May-19 09:44:28

CrazyH - I'd go round with a cake and apologise for not welcoming them sooner. Then you can ask her if she's settling in OK. I hope all is well for her but if not, she'll probably be thankful for a kind neighbour.

polnan Wed 08-May-19 09:43:14

oh ,, thank you for posting this Susie,, so like me, worrying about death and dying and possibility of being alone..

and all the encouraging comments... so love coming here, I find it very hard to share, I have had a good life, a good marriage, by many standards,, 50 years this coming January, perhaps as we get older most of us worry about these things, but don`t like to say, as there is so much unhappiness in the world.. perhaps this Western Society should acknowledge death and dying at an early age?
loving thoughts sent

Grammaretto Wed 08-May-19 09:40:28

Good for you! You are doing all the right things.
You are probably still in shock. We all tend to live as though we are immortal and something like this shakes us back into reality.
When DH was first diagnosed with cancer 2 years ago, it seemed the end of my world too.
I wanted us to do all the things we'd put off doing though many had lost their meaning. I told him I'd stop doing all "my things" to be always there for him.
He said "why? I'm not going to give up anything so why should you".
Of course he was right.

optimist Wed 08-May-19 09:36:51

My husband developed lung cancer and was told that he had about 5 years to live. He managed 4 as he declined all treatment. We packed a lot into that 4 years, trips abroad etc. But at the same time I prepared for a life without him, developing friendships, joined a choir, an art class, took up swimming and Pilates. He died nearly five years ago and although I miss him after 50 years of marriage I have a full and busy life. My advice to anyone at this stage in life is develop an independent life that might see you into widowhood. I have children and grandchildren but wouldnt want to burden them though I love seeing them. There is life after marriage, honestly!