What advice to give a friend

He is 40 !!!!! how much longer does he think he can take advantage of his parents, he career obviously is going nowhere after all this time so he wants to pull his finger out and start looking after himself, still while his parents have done so much for him up till now he obviously feels he is entitled, send him round to me for a week he will soon find out what the real world is like!!! Hope they sort him out soon for their own sakes. My friend has a son that is a singer, and does quite a few gigs each month but he still has a job !! Good luck to your friend. xx

notanan2 - hear hear!!

You can build a local following if its not your main income and you do it for the love of it (and no one who plays only 2 gigs a year can claim to love it!)

Or you can make a local living out of it if you are willing to treat it as a job and do the money gigs: parties and weddings and other events & play requests etc.

But if you dont wanna be playing Darling you look Beautiful Tonight every other weekend you need to tour as a support act until you build up your name. A local following alone wont pay the bills.

Anyway this isnt really about the (lack of) music career, its about a dysfunctional family set up that is coming to a head...

I think TBH its past the point of sensible things like tennancy agreements.. the whole set up has gone rotten probably a long time ago..

All OP can do is listen. The situation will either bob along as it is till they die or blow up in all their faces and get worse.

I agree with "oohing" and "aahing" with these friends plus nodding and shaking of the head - then changing the subject. If you offer advice to these "intelligent people" who have instigated (albeit caringly) the situation they find themselves in they will probably not take too kindly to being given any advice from a friend or anyone!! If you want them to remain friends then take the path of passivity. (if there is such a word???)

I think when it comes down to it Beckett there’s nothing you can do to help your friends

They probably know they’ve made some serious errors of judgement over the years, if it does all blow up, at least you’ll be there for them, doesn’t always help to be too judgmental

I'd advise them to set up a formal tenancy agreement whether he likes it or not. Utility bills should be in his name so that if they are unpaid, he has to bear the responsibility. And provide him with a washing machine and an iron!

I agree with what has been said, they have managed to keep this kidadult close to home. He is not going to have a big break now, and everyone knows it. He has never worked, never had to. All he has to do now is hold out until the parents leave him an inheritance. As as been said, they really need to cut these apron strings, they have done him a great disservice.

I agree Phoenix, the chances of him making it big now, are pretty much zero!
A lot of musicians manage to make a pretty good living doing gigs locally, and have quite a following
I presume the young man in question is too good for that

I dont see how they had any intention of really supporting his career in music by tying him to their home town. Pretty much everyone knows that to get a foot in in that industry you gotta move about. Its a transient lifestyle. Maybe that scared both of them and the house is an excuse?

I feel that many of the posts made by notanan2 are spot on!

Also, if he hasn't made it big enough in the music business by now, then guess what.............

Thanks for all the replies - I can't say I disagree that they have brought this on themselves, although I disagree they are trying to control him.

It started out with them trying to support him in his chosen career. They have been suggesting for some time that he should get a job and pursue his music on a part time basis but he was always convinced the "big break" was just around the corner.

I think he is beginning to realise it is never going to happen and is taking his disappointment out on his parents.

The parents can't have earned enough to buy and maintain two properties without a degree of intelligence. So they should know they aren't doing their son any favours. He needs to be independent.
I see no point in anyone bothering to try changing things.
I wonder does he have problems to excuse his behaviour. Not speaking but dumping your washing is not normal behaviour. Either there is something wrong with him or he totally takes advantage of and doesn't respect his parents.

Well maybe they would all be happy, if the son just moved back in with mum and dad!
That way they could save a load of money, and son could just go back to being a little boy again

Apparent generocity can be a form of control. Having their son live in their house rent and utilities free isnt a leg up. I'll bet this free house isnt a million miles away from theirs.

In the example of the man I mentioned the siblings have begged the parents to butt out of their brothers life to give him a chance to sort himself out but they wont.

They swear they do it "for him" but really they do it for themselves and they can't/won't stop even for the sake of their son's welfare and sanity.

I just feel you’re being too hard on the parents, obviously they’ve done a lot of things wrong, but probably with the best of intentions

Yeah. Maybe I am. I just dont see how in extreme co dependancy situations like described, that the intentions are honourable. I think the parents are probably at best selfish or needy. At worst controlling.

There are other scenarios where ACs are greedy and entitled but the OPs situation.... I just cant spin it to make it fit the idea that the parents have the ACs welfare at heart. Its a bad situation all round.

There isn't really any advice you can give the parents. They have created the situation and been happy with it for over twenty years so it's not going to change overnight.
If they do want to change things it would need to be in small increments for all their sanity.
I think its a fifty fifty dependency situation.

The problem there is, whose going to give a man in his forties, with nothing on his CV but a couple of gigs, a job?

Does this man have any mental health problems?
No depression or autism or anything at all?
If not, then he needs to get at least a part time job.

I see everything you’re saying, and you’re undoubtedly right!

I just feel you’re being too hard on the parents, obviously they’ve done a lot of things wrong, but probably with the best of intentions

Anyway, they want to continue with the set up, they just don't know how to afford it..

Like Nannarose, I’m sure I’ve read about this scenario before. If he doesn’t have a job, can he claim Jobseekers’ allowance as a musician? I doubt it.
I wouldn’t worry about how to advise friends, I’m sure if this situation is real it either suits them or they know exactly what to do!

I think OP should just nod and make the right noises and think no more about it

I dont think it is one sided either. Both sides are having dysfunctional "needs" met. On the parents side it is remaining paternalistic and feeling indespensible.

If he suddenly didnt rely on them I think they would struggle with not being needed in such an involved way..

I just don't think that you could slip into doing a non disabled child's laundry for forty years unless it was partially motivated by not wanting to let go of the more active type of parenting that you do when you have a small child!