My own mother causing so many problems.

Mmm interesting post and responses. How awful that your Mum can make you feel like this. With regard to your Will, go on your own and seek advice, get it done and when the subject comes up again, say that its been done and that she need not worry. With regard to clothes, stop telling her so much, buy your own outfit and suggest something nice for her to suit her complexion etc etc. With regard to the telephone. I would unplug it when I was some peace. I wouldnt change my number just in case something does happen and you need to be contacted. It is very difficult when it is your Mum and she has been doing this for some time with no objection. Be kind but firm and take back some control.

Go with her, make the will as she wants it. Next day make a new will which will supercede the first one. But don't tell her. Simples.
Get a new outfit for the wedding, just turn up in it, tell her that you ripped hers whist doing the splits.

Stop allowing her to control you and stop telling her everything. You need to learn boundaries.

No one can make anyone do anything. If you give into her she has power over you. Saying no to her will make things worse before it gets better.

We all have a part in everything, even if the other person is wrong. Our part is how we deal with it. You need to change to meet conditions.

I know about this stuff cos I had to learn it too with my own life. I am not preaching. Just identifying with what I found out through my own therapy.

Stop allowing her control

Just because she's 81 and your mother there's no need to allow her to ruin your life and everyone else's.
I take it she lives with you.

STOP telling her what you're wearing.
STOP telling her where you're going.
GO make a Will, secretly, without her in tow.
If she strops, let her, just walk out of the room and let her stew in her own juice like you would with a willful 2 year old.

Use the anger and desperation you felt when you wrote that post to claw back some of your independence and life.

As others have said, she's like this because she's been allowed to be and because people let her get her own way. And boy does she play on this - and probably her age too.

That's not good for her because it's turned her into a bitter, unhappy martinet.

It's not good for any generation of your family she comes into contact with - and where are the parents when she's shovelling food into the poor child?
Is no one prepared to protect him against this harridan?

What she is doing is ABUSE - to all of you.

Stop it right now. Don't have another day of, 'Yes Mum'.
For goodness sake stop her in her tracks, if not for your own sake, for that of your vulnerable grand children.

Lots of good advice here! Just want to add that since mum is at a distance, there's even less reason why she has to know so much. Park the information train in the station!

What you do with money you inherit is not really up to Aunty either. Nor could dad buy a house just "for you" if mum wanted conditions put on it. All of you need to realize, IMO, that once someone owns something - a house, money, whatever - it is theirs to do with as they choose. It's about boundaries, IMO.

No one can really stop you from marrying partner either. Maybe when you were younger but not now. Please just go and do it if and when you are both ready. Mum has no say.

It sounds as if mum was always controlling but got worse since her accident - maybe b/c felt less in control/more vulnerable? That's sad, and she probably needs counseling to help her adjust. But IDK if she would go.

You need to stand up to her regardless, and it seems that you are ready to do that. Good on you! Best of luck moving forward!

Couldn’t you suggest to your mother that she makes provision for the grandchildren/great grand children in her own will out of the proceeds of the sale of her property? In fact I think you should suggest it in case it hasn’t occurred to her or she doesn’t think she can do that.

I agree that you won't change her, just keep the details of your daily comings and goings to yourself and wedding details keep to a minimum. Hope you are able to enjoy the wedding day.

Again notanan2 hear hear !!!!

Tell her she is free to leave her money directly to the grandkids and leave you out of it if that is whom she intends the money for anyway.

Don't "protest" at her demands, just say "no thank you, that wont work for me" and repeat

You wont change her or her behaviour you can only change the amount you engage in it and how you react to it

That puts a different perspective on the issue. I think you have enough advice to decide how to handle things. Your mother doesn't sound a very happy person, seems very anxious. As do you. I hope you sort it out so that you have a more peaceful life. Meditation always useful..

I think that you need to put your mother on an "information diet" so that she has less information about what you are doing that she can then contradict or pick apart. I also think you need to make yourself less available for shopping trips etc and go out yourself or with friends to choose clothes

Thank you everyone. To clarify I fully intend to leave the money from mum to my grandchildren. The money from my aunty is nothing to do with mum. I have been instructed that this money must not be left to them. It is to be spent and enjoyed. If I die then my partner can spend what we dont as a couple. We fully intend to be married and would already be if we had not had her interfere. Mum intends for me to make the will to cover the lot to my grandkids which goes against my aunties wish. Mum just says my aunty is bitter and jealous she has grandkids. She is safe guarding one who she has an obsession about. She was like this with my son his dad. My other son is the devil. He has not done a thing to her. She spoils my grandson and not my grandaughter. She changes her will to suitself depending how she feels. My dad brought the house for one reason only 40 plus yrs ago. For me. I do object to be marched to the solicitor. My aunty who is the other executor has advised do what she wants then make another one how I want it. I dont live close but I visit rarely due to how she is. Mum had a fall last yr and cracked her pelvis she was in hospital a month then she got home and after a while went like this. She has always tried to take control of my life. Didnt want me to settle down with anyone as it meant I would not be around at her beck and call. I dont shop with her as dont live close. Stood up to her over the nanny thing. Told me not going to breakfast sort it with my son. I have and yet she goes against his wishes too. Mum does and says what she wants with out think about anyone. My outfit for the wedding she hasnt seen just knows the colour. She is determined to wear navy so may shop this week to find something else. Thank you everyone

Is your mother unwell? It sounds as if her mind is not quite right.

Do try and stand up to her, as other people have suggested.

Regarding the Will, I must be honest and say I think you (all adults really) ought to make a Will but it should be up to you how you leave your money.

It may be a nice idea to leave some of your aunt's money to your grandchildren but it is your decision. You possibly don't mind at all if your grandchildren benefit.

If your aunt and your mother end up in nursing homes, there possibly won't be a tremendous amount left anyway.

Whoa! I agree that your mum is way out-of-line! Like others, I get it about the money, but I feel as if she's trying to control things from beyond the grave, and she has no right to do that. She gets to make her will when and how she wants, and then it's your turn to do it/not do it and leave things to whom you choose.

If you feel she'll change her will to skip you, IMO, you have two choices. You can decide you don't care and let that be as it may or, as PPs have suggested, you can tell her you intend to respect her wishes (or say that you already have) - then do as you choose. In the end, she has no say over your will, nor do you have one over hers.

If she weren't so controlling otherwise, I wouldn't think it mattered if she wears the same color to the wedding. But under the circumstances, I think it does. So I agree with those who say to get something else and don't let her know till you show up in it. If she makes a fuss, tell her you changed )mind about what to wear and change the subject. And too bad if she wasted her money buying you things you didn't ask for, that's how she'll learn (hopefully)

I also agree with those who say not to pick up for all her phone calls. You don't have to go to any fancy or extreme lengths to do this, caller display should do the trick - and voicemail - let things go to voicemail. When you do talk to her, if she starts to argue with you/try to tell you what to do, end the conversation as politely as you can. If she won't stop talking, hang up. I wouldn't change my phone number b/c she may really need you some time for health reasons, etc. But otherwise, cut back on how often you speak to her.

I also agree with those who say to stop telling her your plans. Why did she have to know you were meeting DS for breakfast? Sure, you might normally mention that to a mum, but, sadly, you can't behave normally with her.

As for her shoveling food into GS' mouth, that's his parents' concern. They need to deal with it. If they're ok with it, then you need to leave it alone. Please don't begin to overstep the way mum does. Stay in your lane.

"I dont want to speak to her, see her but no escape. HELP!!"

Yes, there is an escape. Maybe not totally if you don't want to CO her - and I don't think you should. But partially - just cut back on the visits and communication.

But I'm another one who is wondering how long she has been this way. If it's recent, you may need to try to get her to see a doctor. If not, then I wonder why you haven't set boundaries with her before. Either way, you need to start protecting yourself against her toxic behavior.

Slightly different angle here - imitation is the sincerest form of flattery - she wants to be you! What I'm trying to say is approach this from a sideways angle - ie give her a phone number (a cheapy pay as you go phone) telling her it's a direct line to you - you then choose as and when to take her calls - this would not be a lie as no-one else is given the number. Flatter her about the wedding outfit ie navy looks so good with your complexion etc. whereas pink is so draining. The way round the grand naming is purely and simply to ask her what she wants to be called and then totally admiring it and saying that if and when you too are a great-grandparent you will adopt this name - as a mark of respect to her! I'm not saying it will be easy or that it will work but maybe it will - surely worth a go? Could be the way to a happier future together. As for the will business - make an appointment on your own and set it in stone but tell her that you have taken her opinion seriously and have acted upon it (which you probably will have to a certain degree) It's called being devious but I was trying hard to find a less disagreeable word - oh have just remembered it - diplomatic (as politicians use all the time)

This is probably a bit drastic for you, but 25 years ago I had my last argument with my mother, we’d always had a strained and awkward relationship, and at the time she was being ridiculous and childish about something I had no control over

I hadn’t planned on saying it, but I found myself saying we were done, I never wanted anything else to do with her, and I haven’t spoken to, or had any contact with her since, I cannot tell you what a massive weight was lifted from my shoulders, I have never regretted it

I never have expected anyone to take sides, it’s between her and I, she moved to the south coast to be near her widowed brother, and my husband goes to visit a couple of times a year, as do my children

There is no going back, as I said neither of us has attempted to make any contact, she just tells my children that if I want any of her money I should apologise! She doesn’t know me very well!

It’s a drastic step, certainly wouldn’t suit everyone

Yes I too understand where she's coming from with the money, you probably agree, but don't want her you tell you what you already know.
She sounds truly awful and so overbearing, I bet you feel like running away .Mum own mum is very bossy, but if it's any consolation she has become less so, now in her late 80s, me early 60s it's still not easy, she still sees herself as the matriarch of the family, and is very possessive of me , an only child and her now adult grandchildren.
What we have done as a family, is agreed to never tell her any bad news, she can't cope with it because of her anxiety, which in turn makes it a lot harder on us.We also don't tell her of our family get togethers unless of course she's invited too, what she doesn't know won't hurt her.If she phones incessantly, like my mum, we ignore it, and say we were out, so do family. You can't let her control your life, or your family's. Take back some control.Good luck.

mother not morher!

The OP hasn't responded to say if her mother has always been like this. Lying, pretending, ignoring. What a way to treat your mother. A mother who may well have been a good morher in the past.
Don't pin the dementia badge on her - but don't dismiss the possibility at this stage.
None of us know. ....

All very well, Gonegirl, but some mothers* are just out and out control-freak bullies, or even what they call 'toxic' now.
It can be terribly hard to break free, even just a little way, after a lifetime of it, and that's what the OP is asking for help with. I hope you find the strength and will to distance yourself somewhat, OP.
(*and fathers, of course.)

How awful for you there is no way you should have to put up with this treatment from your mother how ever old she is,she sounds a nightmare.
Go and see a solicitor asap and get your will in order don't tell her you are doing it just go.
As for the wedding outfit colours can you return the navy to the store and choose a different colour altogether and just put it on on the day of the wedding I certainly would.
Now is the time to change your life around altogether and not be bullied as that is what she is doing,it will be very hard for you I'msure but do you really want to carry on in this way for any longer I'm sure the answer is no. xx best of luck to you

....or just go along with it all in a kindly way, because she's your mum and you love her.

Sorry to be old fashioned.

Don't pick up the 'phone, let it ring. Later when she asks where you were calmly say 'I was in but it was not convenient to speak'. Keep doing this until she realises that you are not at her beck and call. If she asks why tell her to stop being so nosey! Smile as you say it, i.e. be pleasant, but stand firm. Tell her the nosier she is, the less she will be told.
I agree - go and choose a different outfit for the wedding. Tell no one, just turn up in it on the day.
I would put a bit of distance between you and her if possible. Stop telling her about everything then she can't invade your plans - just talk about the weather. Be vague.
Sort out your will yourself and tell her that it's done. If you are concerned that she might cut you out of hers, pretend that you have done as she suggested. Tell her it is with the solicitor. If she asks which solicitor, tell her to stop being so nosey!

You do need to stand up to her and do it nicely but firmly. I had this for years from mil. And had to have time away from her for a few weeks while she got the message but she did get a little better. I ended up being her main carer in the end with some help from hubby ( only son) she's gone now but some memories are still painful wish I had sorted stuff out earlier.

Certainly don't deny her your phone number!!! Abominal suggestion!