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My own mother causing so many problems.

(123 Posts)
Youngatheart228 Sat 11-May-19 15:54:56

My mum is 81 and I am now 50.
I am tearing my hair out with her.

She is trying to run my life. I have not made a will, she has decided we will be going to the solicitor to make my will to her satisfaction. I have a cash inheritance coming in the future from my aunty for me to spend on me plus the house from my mum. My mum wants me to put aside 20k for each of my two grandchildren from my aunties estate. When I die all my estate is to be given to my grandchildren not my partner. How dare she decide how I leave my money.

She tells me how to have my hair and how to dress. My son is getting married end of this month and she went out and brought me a hat, shoes and bag. I am wearing navy and cream. She then decided she was wearing navy to. I protested and said I will wear my pink lace dress if she wears navy. So she went and brought a pink lace dress and jacket. She knew I would be changing into the pink dress for the evening. She keeps digging that she would have prefered it in navy but I was being awkward.and refused to let her wear navy.

She is now deciding what my two yr old grandson calls me. She insists on being called Nanny despite me being called nanny by my 3yr grandaughter. She sees my son and my grandson a lot more than me and tends to rub my nose in it. I protested she strops. She had got my grandson calling me nanny dee. I hate it and said forget it so then my mum tried to get him to call me nanny allen despite my own kids calling her that. I wont have that either.

She seems to get great joy in upsetting her sister as well.

If I dont pick up the phone she keeps ringing till I pick up and I get where have you been I have been ringing. I have my grandaughter today took her out and because she wanted to talk got nasy when I said I could not.

I am seeing both my sons and grandchildren for breakfast tomorrow. She invited herself,I didn't want her to come. Told her to call my son to see if he would collect her. Thinking she wont pick the phone up to him. She did she is now coming. It is embarrassing how she treats my grandson. She shovells food into his mouth like something possessed.

I dont want to speak to her, see her but no escape. HELP!!

Sara65 Sat 11-May-19 16:00:20

Oh my goodness, she sounds absolutely awful, I don’t know how you bear it!
You have to stand up to her, she’s interfering in things which are absolutely nothing to do with her!

phoenix Sat 11-May-19 16:08:38

She sounds like an absolute nightmare!

In your situation, I would give serious consideration to changing you phone number as a first move and then as Sara65 said, stand up to her!

Urmstongran Sat 11-May-19 16:10:07

Oh dear. What a difficult mother to have. She sounds a real tyrant. Has she always been like this - so controlling?

Sorry I have no answers. I just didn’t want to read and run.

DoraMarr Sat 11-May-19 16:12:40

You seem to have quite a few areas of tension with your mother.
1. The will. She can’t force you to make a will. It is a good idea to have a will, but you can make one without telling her, and if she finds out you do not need to tell her what is in it. Or, just make a will, then tell her afterwards, but say you are not disclosing any details.
2. The wedding clothes. Buy something else, but don’t tell her. Just turn up in it.
3. The nanny problem. He can call you grandma.
4. The phone. Ignore it. Don’t tell her what you are doing, just say you can’t talk or see her because you are busy, but you will ring her / drop in on her later.
5. The breakfast. You’ll just have to bite the bullet on this one. If she overfeeds your grandson, that is for his parents to decide what to do, just stay out of it.
It seems that you feel dominated by her, so you need to create some distance and autonomy. Set boundaries, and do not give in.

Buffybee Sat 11-May-19 16:13:52

Yes! How dare she, as you said.
Well, she dares because you have let her rule the roost.
Stand up to her, for goodness sake.
Tell her that you will be called Nanny to your Grandchildren and she can be something else.
Stop letting her buy clothes for you, refuse to accept them, stop telling her what you are wearing for the Wedding, she is being deliberately awkward and copying your choices.
Tell her in no uncertain terms that you will not have her accompanying you to the Solicitors to make your Will and who you leave your money to is nothing to do with her.
Stop her shovelling food into your Grandsons mouth.
She sounds like an absolute nightmare, only you can sort her out.
Is there some reason why you feel that you have to allow her to treat you in this way?

Nonnie Sat 11-May-19 16:23:50

Is this new or is it lifelong? If new, perhaps she is ill. If lifelong you are going to have a battle as she will be doing what she has always done.

aggie Sat 11-May-19 16:33:23

You do need a will , get an earlier appt with a Solicitor and set the ball in motion , just don't tell her . It takes more than one visit to get the will made , so keep out of her road till its done
Ditch the pink lace and get something else , but hide it
Unplug the landline , get call divert on the mobile
you get the idea ? grow a backbone !
Laugh the next time she suggests/ tells you what to do
BTW I am 81 and have a daughter your age , I wouldn't dream of treating her like a child

Poppyred Sat 11-May-19 16:41:14

Why don’t you show her this post and the angry reactions to her behaviour - that will shut her up!
Seriously, it is up to you to put your foot down once and for all.

EllanVannin Sat 11-May-19 16:41:16

Sounds like there's something radically wrong with her. ?

If anything my D's would politely tell me if I was out of line. I wouldn't dream of treating them or anyone this way. It's called having respect.

annep1 Sat 11-May-19 16:51:15

You should have a will. Perhaps your mother is concerned that you will inherit her house and leave everything to your partner. And her grandchildren will lose out.
As for her other behaviour has she always been like this? My darling mum was a nightmare as she got older but she had dementia for years before being diagnosed. Constant telephone calling was a problem - same with other relatives who had dementia/altzheimers. It is very difficult to cope with.

Telly Sat 11-May-19 16:56:26

She only acts like this because you allow her. Why go shopping with her if you have to wear what she buys? Just go another day. Equally no one can tell you what to put into your will, tell her you will sort it yourself when you are ready. How did she know you were going to breakfast tomorrow? If you don't tell her then she can't muscle in. At the end of the day you will have to stand up to her, hard I know but you can do it!

paddyann Sat 11-May-19 16:59:04

get caller display on yout phone an dont pick up if its her,wait until you are ready to speak to her.Dont make a habit of calling her at the same time every day or she'll expect it and bombard you with complaints/worries that you didn't phone when she was waiting for it.As for the rest of it,just ignore what she wants its not up to her how you run your life

mcem Sat 11-May-19 17:01:09

I agree with these posts!
It isn't difficult to make and attend a solicitor appointment on your own so do it!
Go shopping ALONE, choose an outfit, hang it up and don't discuss it.
Change your phone number. Don't explain or justify any of your decisions.
Put up with short-term hassle for the sake of long-term peace.
Take back control of your life!

crazyH Sat 11-May-19 17:09:33

I have a 50year old daughter. I dare not tell her how to dress. She has her own mind. She is slightly bi-polar I think. She usually dresses quite well, but for her own 50th she wore a tatty old jumper. I was so annoyed. She wouldn't have listened to me anyway.
Re the will. I can understand. She doesn't want your partner to inherit. She wants your children/grandchildren to inherit. She is only protecting their rights. On the other hand, it's none of her business. I suspect a hint of dementia setting in..

SisterAct Sat 11-May-19 17:31:04

Please don’t show her the post -she might join - sounds a nightmare,

My own gran was nice at times (normally if she got her own way) and at others a witch to my poor mum and tried to control everything As you same colour at my wedding!! Mum did in the end blow her top and stood up to her. Not easy but had our support (sons and daughters). It did improve but then she tried blackmail. My mums response in an even tone became “ I hear what you say”. If needed she would just repeat it over again and it slowly stopped my gran.

As other posts and get you sons support for you and on how she treats their children Have a new hairstyle and colour on the day before the wedding. Hire a different hat.

Let us know how you go on and good luck, now don,t feel guilty

rosecarmel Sat 11-May-19 17:42:53

Youngatheart228, by the time I got to your last line where you said, I dont want to speak to her, see her but no escape. HELP!! I was was laughing so hard I was crying! You've described how my sister, and other female members of my family, is/are or could be!

You can turn over a new leaf at 50! And while in her company! If you don't want to cause a huff prior to and or during the wedding that's understandable- But after? Make it a personal mission! And have a bit of fun with it in process .. smile

Bagatelle Sat 11-May-19 17:45:24

She sounds like my mother. I fully understand your problem.

"Take back control of your life" - have you ever had control of your life?

My mother died at the age of 95 and I felt free for the first time. I still hate myself for that, even though it wasn't my fault.

(I suppose I can understand her wanting you to pass her money on to her grandchildren and/or great-grandchildren without denying the use of it to you; is there a danger that she might change her own will to leave it directly to them?)

Luckygirl Sat 11-May-19 17:53:07

If she buys you clothes, ask for the receipt - then take them back - looks like a tidy little income from where I'm sitting!

annep1 Sat 11-May-19 17:53:31

Change your number? How cruel! Some 80 year olds need allowances made for how they act. I would say a mother would be top of the list. And maybe your mother should change her will and leave her house partly to the grandchildren. She is obviously anxious about it. Having said all that, if she has dementia you do need to learn how to cope with it as things will most likely get worse.
Unless she has always been exactly the same as this?

Gonegirl Sat 11-May-19 17:54:35

I can see where she's coming from about the will. It's family money. It comes from her and your aunt. She doesn't want it to go out of the family ie to your partner. Perfectly reasonable.

The rest is all quite trivial tbh. Let her dress the same as you if she wants to. Why not?

Let the grandkids sort out for themselves what they call you both.

Ignore her advice about fashion if you don't agree with it.

Gonegirl Sat 11-May-19 17:58:18

And please don't pin the dementia badge on her! hmm

Nonnie Sat 11-May-19 17:58:39

Yes, I too understand about not leaving the money outside the family. In my 'letter of wishes' I have reminded DH and family that if he marries again he must make a will leaving everything to the family. He is so unwise about these things he really wouldn't have a clue.

Gonegirl Sat 11-May-19 17:59:59

Certainly don't deny her your phone number!!! Abominal suggestion! shock

Harris27 Sat 11-May-19 18:05:25

You do need to stand up to her and do it nicely but firmly. I had this for years from mil. And had to have time away from her for a few weeks while she got the message but she did get a little better. I ended up being her main carer in the end with some help from hubby ( only son) she's gone now but some memories are still painful wish I had sorted stuff out earlier.