My own mother causing so many problems.

O heck, I had similar with my mother, the telephoning, it's a form of torture.... I ended up nearly having a breakdown..... I agree with what a lot of the advice you have been given, try and take back control, it's not easy. Good luck, big hugs xx

I agree with most of the above. You must try and stand up to her, if you start agreeing with her or just smile when she says something she won't know how to react to that and perhaps she will stop (possibly not) you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Wear what you want, don't change your phone number, if she really needs you and you don't answer, you will never forgive yourself (even tho she drives you mad now). I see about the Will, she doesn't want your partner to get anything, but what you leave to anyone is your business alone. She possibly does this to see if she can get a reaction from you, well let her know she can say what she likes but you will do as you like. Good luck with everything.

Take her with you to make a will then make another later on your own, this will cancel the previous one, Buy a purple dress for the wedding and just turn up in it. You could be called nice nanny allen and she could be stroppy nanny allen, it doesn't really matter. By now if it was me I would be contemplating greasing the stairs, good luck! (I'm sure you love her really but she sounds very difficult to get on with)

I feel for you. I have had many posts on here about my mother. So my sympathy. At present she is quite frail at 87 but still argues everything i say. The latest is that ive got lots of joint pain including a tennis elbow. I have to lift her walker thing into the car. When i lift it i gasp in pain and she says . Huh its only once a week. No sympathy. It must be a form of defence at that age the fierce spirit keeps them going

How annoying she must be. she can't write your will for you, the solicitor won't allow it. When I went with my Mum some years ago, when the solicitor asked what she was there for Mum looked at me and said "You tell her" but was told firmly and politely that the will would be invalid if I did that and that Mum had to do all the talking!

Just another thought, Youngatheart, your first choice was the navy and cream (sounds lovely, by the way). Why not let your mum think you are wearing the pink and wear the navy, with accessories YOU have bought?,Get another outfit for the evening without telling her.
As for the will. It is important to have a will but, see the solicitor on your own and leave your property the way you want to.

Nonnie Please be aware that ‘letter of wishes’ means nothing in law. When we made our wills, we left everything in trust for tax reasons, citing my daughter and his as trustees. The letters of wishes stated that all was to go the surviving spouse and then on to the two daughters (his and mine) on the death of the second. My step-daughter refused to sign off the will so I had to pass on her share on his death. I had no intention of not leaving half to each of the two girls and had already made a new will stating that. It all caused a lot of heartache at a time when I was struggling with my husband’s death.

I think you should change your phone number to give yourself some peace. But maybe fit her up with a lifeline for emergencies.

you are 50? hmmm .i would put my foot down. and say have you quite finished? i am sorry mum but this is the way i am going to do my will(go and do it without her). if you dont like it tough luck......you really got to stand up to her........as for her being nanny ,tell grand children you are super nanny.......dont do tit for tat .it wont solve anything........

Baloo, no one should be grateful to be treated so poorly!

She sounds like my sister, only she dictated to our parents what to wear to family weddings.

Just nod obediently then go and do what you like. Buy an outfit in a totally different colour and not tell her. Write to the solicitor beforehand and let them know that you are just pretending to go along with her advice, and you will return another day to do another will, after all, unless you are due to pass into eternity first, she won't know, will she?

Whatever you do, do not be tempted to give in for a quiet life. That is the last thing you will have - a quiet life usually last a few days with controlling people, then they find something else.

Excellent advice girls.

I agree with Gonegirl ,she is a lady in her 80s ,be thankful you still have her & she buys you things ? Don't stress so much ,you seem as though you are competing with her. Just relax.

You must stop telling her things. The only reason she is like this is because you allow her to be. Do not allow her to dictate to you. Eg. Your Mum "What are you going to wear to wedding?" You "I am not sure I will think about it". Your Mum " when are you seeing grandchildren next?" You "I can't remember but probably soon". Be evasive and vague but smile pleasantly while doing it. She will give up if she gets no where. Encourage your children/grandchildren to see her separately from when they see you. Try to be patient as much as she annoys you now you will miss her when she is gone.

In case the reason you have not said no to her is because she is leaving you her house, a word of warning; she may change her will anyway - this is what happened to my mother, who looked after our gran although we had no spare room, while our aunt had two empty bedrooms, but said to mum ‘ you’re getting the house so you can have her’. In the event when she died she had left her house to all six grandchildren and mum got nothing.
Just live your life as a grown woman and do what you want, not telling your mother everything you do, and stop letting your mother get to you. So what if you wear the same colour to a wedding, you probably won’t be the only two in those colours. If you want your grandchildren to call you a specific name, tell them and their parents what to call you. If they say, great granny said to call you xxx just laugh and say great granny is a silly billy, Don’t make a big issue of it all. Make your own appointment with the solicitor and let him/her know that your mother is trying to interfere, He/she will know how ro deal with it.

I tried the not answering the phone so my dear Mother went through the phone book found a neighbour and asked them if I was in phew!!!

Don't engage in passive aggressive behaviour, that is avoidance and not assertive. Speak your mind, kindly and clearly and tell it like it is.

Sorry not to address the individual points in the OP, but I don't because these are symptomatic of the bigger picture. She's been able to get away with chipping away at you at every chance. It's not acceptable anymore. You have the support of posters on here.

Can I just say that whatever you do, please don't unplug your phone or change your number, as this would mean that she can't get you if she really needs you in a genuine emergency.

As I think one or two other posters have said, get yourself an answer machine, and tell her that you've got one, so that if you can't get to the phone, ie you're in the bath, or busy doing something, or you are out, she can always get hold of you by leaving a message, and you'll give her a call back as soon as you can. That way, if she's just pestering, you can pretend you're out, and then finally give her a ring when you're good and ready, but if it should be an emergency, you can call her straight back, as you will never forgive yourself, however much she's bullied you over the years, if you switched your phone off and she died while trying to get your help.

The rest of the advice is all good, and you can definitely manage her better by not giving her so much information about your everyday life. You're not too old to learn how to assert yourself, just try taking it one step at a time.

You're too nice. Are you worried about upsetting her by being assertive? Does she make you feel guilty? Why have you not challenged her about this in the past? She knows every one of your buttons and keeps pushing them. She knows how you are going to react. So, stop and react exactly the opposite of how you normally do. She needs a bit of a shock. Those gc are yours not hers, she has had her time as granny to your kids, it's your time now. I bet she thinks she's better than you, it's disgusting her rubbing your nose in it that they visit her more than you. I'd be happy to give her a piece of my mind..remember, she thinks you're a pushover..be strong and tell her what you think.

I agree also re. the will and the money going to family and not your partner.

My mother has always been critical of me since a child. She is also now in her 80's and has become worse. She too copies me, to the point when she wanted to get a wig like my natural blonde bob. I drew the line at that!

The only way I am managing her is to not contact her too much, and my visits are limited. It's the only way I can stop the unhappy feelings I get following conversations. It's sad, but that's the way it is.

Hi YoungatHeart and everyone else who has this problem with phone calls. Yes, get a caller display and you can ignore the call, but so that the ringing does not drive you demented, chose a nice tune that you can sing along to. Good luck at the wedding.

Sorry but - grow a backbone! Just because she's your mother doesn't mean she has the right to run your life. You're 50, not 5! Sounds like you've just fallen in with her plans all your life and now you're blaming her?? Remember the old maxim "we teach people how to treat us" and you've obviously taught her that she has the right to run your life. Of course you need to do a will - and right away - but don't tell her, and refuse to let her see a copy of it. It will be a good start to your learning to run your own life. (Sorry if this sounds a bit harsh - I had a similar problem with my own Mum and I had to learn to stand up to her; it was painful at first but, eventually, very satisfying).

She sounds very narcissistic, only tell her what she needs to know.Time to stand up to this awful woman and tell her you will use your money/inheritance as you deem fit. The more you allow her to dictate the more she will, be firm she won't break as she's not made of glass.