son splitting up

I'm another one who thinks you need to stay neutral/supportive to both sides. Yes, by all means, ring DIL and let her know you're there for her, but don't let her drag you into any negative conversations about DS. I wouldn't mention anything about GS, right now, or she may think you're being kind to her just to maintain contact w/ him. I'm confident that if you can keep up an amicable relationship w/ her, she'll be happy to let GS remain in contact w/ you.

Hopefully, even if she moves away, DS will have visitation. Since she'll be at a distance, I imagine that visitation will be extended - maybe not as frequent as you'd like, but whole weekends or weeks at a time. Surely, he'll be able to share some of that time w/ you. You may have to be patient and wait till things are sorted out. But, overall, I'm certain you'll be able to maintain a relationship w/ GS

I was in utter shock when I found out about my now ex and what he was up to. It's not an overstatement to say my life fell apart. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat. And there was silence from my MiL of over 25 years. I was the one that took her to concerts and days out and I felt she dumped me as much as her son had. And I never ever (8 years on) heard from his brother and wife. When MiL sent me a birthday card 4 weeks after finding out about my ex it was just "from April".
When she did contact me, eventually, some 8 months after, I was in a place where I made the decision if I could be dropped so easily after almost 30 years in her life (as her sons girlfriend/wife/mother of her first grandchild) she wasn't someone I wanted to have in my life.
Yes to stay neutral, but please contact her soon and tell her you love her. That abandonment by his family has brought tears to my eyes today, even after 8 years.

It's a terrible time for all concerned, you just have to be there if/when they want you. Have a chat with all concerned and let them know that you are not taking sides and you want to be in all of their lives. Good luck. x

I know how you are feeling as I have been there.
If it is any comfort I have a great relationship with my DiL & see the children all the time although they live about 30 miles away.
I always mention this when I hear of breakups but my DS & DiL saw a mediation expert for a couple of sessions who came up with all sorts of ideas to make their relationship work for the children after the break up. They have managed to stay friends ( it took a while) & do things together with the children all the time - they have a really good relationship due to this wonderful service & have not had a cross word since. I wish it had been available when my first marriage broke up.( Although we get on fine now too- with 6 DGC between us we sort of had to!)
I hope it all works out for you all.

We have been through similar when our 2nd split with his partner and they had a tiny son. They were both too young. We stayed neutral as we could. It wasnt a good split. We still have a good relationship with them all today and our grandson regularly. Not as much as we would like as they arent local however it works

Our only daughter split with her partner of 8 years. No children thank goodness. We were devastated. Our daughter is very private and wouldnt tell us anything as to why. With her living abroad it was very difficult to know much also. They did try to salvage the relationship though J moved out. It finally finished as she couldn't trust him.

Over a year later we found out he had cheated on her. I'm damn glad I didnt know else I think I would have had something to say to him none to polite as he got my daughter to move across Canada with his job then cheated whilst he was waiting for her to join him as she had to work notice sort the flat out etc.

We knew there was more to it than what she was saying.

My point is stay out as much as you can. By being there for your grandchildren and DiL you are showing your love and support. You dont have to like what your son has done. Its about his behaviour not him.

Remember not to say anything you cannot take back. Be neutral because you want to stay in touch with all of them. Sometimes, also, couples go for counselling and come back together. In that case your neutrality but loving support will be very important. However if one of them is so unhappy that the marriage is broken, you would not want your grandchild to be living in an unhappy home. Everyone is unhappy just now but with honesty, hopefully they will be less unhappy soon, and in time find a happier and stable future.

Right now I would say as little as possible except that you are sorry to hear they are divorcing and that you hope to still have a good relationship with your DIL and GS. This way you haven't said or done anything that could cause offence.

But honestly, if it were my son who was behaving badly, I would probably tell him so, after all I'm his mother, aren't I?

Hope everything turns out as well as possible.

Having been through the same thing my advice would be to not get involved, I know that's difficult as it's awful to see your DiL upset , I learned the hard way that blood is actually thicker than water in most cases, I loved my ex DiL we had a great relationship we were Nanny and Granddad to her two children from a previous relationship and the daughter they had together. Our son met somebody else and left his wife, we supported her 100%, he treated her badly and I hated him for it, I refused contact with the new girlfriend and stuck by my DiL, two years later she met a new man we were so happy for her, and then her and her children dumped us like a hot potato, I was devastated and cannot describe the hurt I felt, jump forward to now and I have a good relationship with my son and his new wife and two delightful little GDs, his oldest daughter is a super wonderful girl who is very close to us but her Mother and step brother and sister don't even acknowledge us, I am still so hurt that they could cut us from their lives, I have learned a valuable lesson and that is to stay neutral and never get involved in our sons relationships, they have changed me as a person, I will never allow anybody to get so close that they have the power to hurt me again

My DS wanted me to take sides, but I didn't. I am now fairly close to the ex DIL but only on brief rare text terms with my son. But I haven't lost much as he rarely contacted me before he even met her - we only got slightly closer while he was with her, because she used to nag him to remember my birthdays etc. Apparently she still does from time to time when he visits his son I gained a daughter, while the son was lost when he left home.

Something similar has hit my family in the past two years. The split was triggered by DS's infidelity though he and his wife had been living almost separate lives for some time - different interests, different friends. However the divorce has been amicable and, as the children are teenagers, they have been able to choose with which parent they live. GD chose to live with their dad and GS lives with their mum, in the same community, Parents share the 'parental taxi' duties. My point is that it can work out amicably for all if their primary concern is the children, as it should be.

I'm so sorry - unfortunately we never know what is going on in other people's marriages .

All you can do is to be supportive of them all, and to hope that your DIL and the grandchildren remain in your life.

In my own case, I lost contact with my DIL because she moved on with another man, and I didn't see the GC for years. It was an awful time.

Good luck to you. Fingers crossed !

Tell your Dil that your fond & will always be there for her and your Gs
no need to take sides, just make it clear from the start
Its best to stay strong with her now as sometimes in the future she might have a new partner and unless still close you sadly could then get left behind or forgotten as her new family comes along.

Oh I feel for you, I’ve wept over losing the closeness with my beloved DiL.
Best wishes

My ex left a long time ago but his parents (who had divorced and married new partners themselves many years before) encouraged me and our young son to keep contact. They were almost as shocked as I was when he left and I was grateful for their support. We visited weekly for many years and I attended their funerals.

Don't take sides - you can tell each of them how sad you are it's happening but show them all you love them no matter what. You'll still have plenty to talk about and don't be afraid of mentioning each if the conversation heads that way.

It's a very sad event but you can all still find happiness together though apart, if you see what I mean

When this happened to me I told the adults concerned that they could do what they liked as my priority wasn't them, but my grandchild and as long as DGC stayed in mine and DH's life re visits etc then that was all I would say on the matter- and I let them get on with it. 7 years down the line, we see DGC at weekends when with Dad and school holidays and are still friendly with ex DIL's parents, so there is light at the end of the tunnel. All the best!

This is a fear we all have . With divorces happening all around us, it's a valid fear. Let's hope, that you manage to keep the relationship going with your d.i.l. and GC. All the best !

Never take sides. My son had an affair and I really thought they would part but they didn't. Nobody condoned what he did but who knows the reasons behind it. At the time my DIL made it clear that she would still want to see us with the 3 granddaughters as we had a good relationship. All the best xx

I totally agree with others, take a neutral stance, let S & DiL sort out details of the marriage breakdown but be supportive to both & GS of course, you want to maintain contact with GS.

My MiL stayed in our lives until her death, never taking sides but had really good contact with my DD. I moved away when I met DH but DD always visited her Granny when she went to stay with my Parents

It is heartbreaking. I have managed to stay in touch with one daughter in law but not the other. Fortunately this is the one with my lovely grandchildren. As long as you make it clear you want to be in touch and are prepared to do all the contacting she will want her child to know his granny if granny makes the effort.

I've had this the other way round - it isn't always the man who's at fault and I wish people wouldn't always assume that it is. My ex-DiL was the one who wanted the break and it wasn't that amicable because my DS was so shocked. He'd done most of the childcare and continued to do so.

I would say to encourage the amicable aspects of the split and certainly to make sure that your DiL knows that you care about her and your GS. She'll probably be glad of the support. My friend is still in touch with several of her son's exes (no GC involved)!

Your son should make sure that he and your DiL work out the best arrangements for him to spend time with your GS (our GD lives 50% with each parent at the moment, although that will have to change as she grows up). You should at least be able to see your GS when he's with your son.

We have nothing to do, directly, with our ex-DiL but I would communicate civilly with her if necessary. Give her her due, she has never objected to our GD spending time with us or going away with us on holiday without our son, although it's only been within the UK.

I hope that things will settle down so that your GS can grow up feeling loved by all his family, and secure.

It is heartbreaking when you love them both, I went thro this with one of my sons several years ago. DS and his ex are both now with new partners and I’m so glad that I remained neutral and supported both. My ex DIL now has another child with her new husband, and even he calls me Nanny even tho he is not mine. Take deep breaths ! And try to pacify things as much as you can.

I think you need to be open about this and say to both that you have no intention taking sides, that you are sorry their marriage has failed and that you would like to stay friends with everyone. It needs to be "out there" - I know it feels very emotional, but it is a simple fact that sometimes marriages fail, and what you do and say now will have a huge bearing on what happens in the future as regards your contact with them all.

When her son left me and our three children, my ex-mother-in-law and I stayed in touch until her death. She was the kids' nana and we all loved her dearly. She was also a great support to me and to them, while we were going through the divorce and for years after. So stay around. They all need you.

I don't agree with those who say stay out of it. Obviously you can't interfere, but when my ds' marriage was on the rocks, I made it clear that I was there for my ddil. Men get bored with domesticity and seem to think they can just leave. Often there's an OW in the background - not saying that'd what's motivated your DS but who knows? No one's perfect, including ddil, but usually she's the one who slogs her guts out and isn't appreciated and cherished as she deserves. Maybe if your DS knows how you feel, he might not treat his marriage so casually.

Sadly it happens and all you can do is accept it. Don.t lose you son just because you dont him to leave his wife that is his choice.