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son splitting up

(57 Posts)
whoisthis Sat 18-May-19 16:24:09

I am having a terrible time, cant stop thinking about my dear GS. DS has now decided that he does not love his wife and wants a amibicale spilt. I love my DIL and GS and can't bear to see her so unhappy. She will move back to her family home and I am afraid I will lose contact with my GS. I can't forgive my son for treating her this way.

FlexibleFriend Sat 18-May-19 16:45:58

It's hard but try to stay out of it, bite your tongue. It's good that he wants an amicable split that way your Dil is more likely to maintain contact. Just tell them both you're sorry and would like to stay in touch with your Dil and Gs as much as possible. Fingers crossed they remain civil and maintain contact.

Nonnie Sat 18-May-19 16:46:21

We can't be inside someone's marriage. May I suggest you support them all. Sounds like you and DiL get on OK so try to keep it that way. No need to take sides at all.

Telly Sat 18-May-19 16:51:58

Yes, you must stay impartial. At the end of the day he is your son and always will be, even if you don't agree with his actions. You will also need to maintain a good relationship with your DiL. Not easy but many of us walk this tightrope. There will be lots of difficulties along the way, especially while they sort things out but you will need to provide some stability for the sake of your GS if nothing else. Sad, but it happens all the time and they will all move on.

love0c Sat 18-May-19 17:00:24

Really sorry for you. Hopefully you will feel better and more able to cope. It is hard emotionally as it is new and therefore very raw. You say you love your dil so I am sure she knows this and loves you too. She will therefore want to keep in touch with you and for you to see your grandson. She will not have any bitterness towards you. Support her and your son. Your son must have been unhappy for a while in this marriage. I can't believe your son took this decision lightly. Love them both and let them know this. I feel this is most important. Stay strong for them and positive. Good luck.

TN Sun 19-May-19 09:14:17

I agree with all of the above. Stay neutral - you don't know the detail. Support your DIL and remain friends as she will be the main conduit to your GS as well and of course don't be judgmental to your son. I am still friends with my eldest son's first fiancee. She was devastated when he broke the engagement off, but I am sure now he made the right decision.
Love is a great healer so continue to love and support them all.

Harris27 Sun 19-May-19 09:17:48

I have three sons and this would be heartbreaking for me but you have a good relationship with your dil I'm sure she will want you still in your gs life. She's hurting now but will assess her future later and I'm sure you will be in it. Don't take sides but tell her you love her and want to still be part of your gs life. Good luck.

chris8888 Sun 19-May-19 09:28:05

Sadly it happens and all you can do is accept it. Don.t lose you son just because you dont him to leave his wife that is his choice.

Chinesecrested Sun 19-May-19 09:33:21

I don't agree with those who say stay out of it. Obviously you can't interfere, but when my ds' marriage was on the rocks, I made it clear that I was there for my ddil. Men get bored with domesticity and seem to think they can just leave. Often there's an OW in the background - not saying that'd what's motivated your DS but who knows? No one's perfect, including ddil, but usually she's the one who slogs her guts out and isn't appreciated and cherished as she deserves. Maybe if your DS knows how you feel, he might not treat his marriage so casually.

Misha14 Sun 19-May-19 09:37:10

When her son left me and our three children, my ex-mother-in-law and I stayed in touch until her death. She was the kids' nana and we all loved her dearly. She was also a great support to me and to them, while we were going through the divorce and for years after. So stay around. They all need you.

Luckygirl Sun 19-May-19 09:42:08

I think you need to be open about this and say to both that you have no intention taking sides, that you are sorry their marriage has failed and that you would like to stay friends with everyone. It needs to be "out there" - I know it feels very emotional, but it is a simple fact that sometimes marriages fail, and what you do and say now will have a huge bearing on what happens in the future as regards your contact with them all.

Coconut Sun 19-May-19 09:50:12

It is heartbreaking when you love them both, I went thro this with one of my sons several years ago. DS and his ex are both now with new partners and I’m so glad that I remained neutral and supported both. My ex DIL now has another child with her new husband, and even he calls me Nanny even tho he is not mine. Take deep breaths ! And try to pacify things as much as you can.

Septimia Sun 19-May-19 09:52:58

I've had this the other way round - it isn't always the man who's at fault and I wish people wouldn't always assume that it is. My ex-DiL was the one who wanted the break and it wasn't that amicable because my DS was so shocked. He'd done most of the childcare and continued to do so.

I would say to encourage the amicable aspects of the split and certainly to make sure that your DiL knows that you care about her and your GS. She'll probably be glad of the support. My friend is still in touch with several of her son's exes (no GC involved)!

Your son should make sure that he and your DiL work out the best arrangements for him to spend time with your GS (our GD lives 50% with each parent at the moment, although that will have to change as she grows up). You should at least be able to see your GS when he's with your son.

We have nothing to do, directly, with our ex-DiL but I would communicate civilly with her if necessary. Give her her due, she has never objected to our GD spending time with us or going away with us on holiday without our son, although it's only been within the UK.

I hope that things will settle down so that your GS can grow up feeling loved by all his family, and secure.

searose Sun 19-May-19 09:55:30

It is heartbreaking. I have managed to stay in touch with one daughter in law but not the other. Fortunately this is the one with my lovely grandchildren. As long as you make it clear you want to be in touch and are prepared to do all the contacting she will want her child to know his granny if granny makes the effort.

Legs55 Sun 19-May-19 09:57:44

I totally agree with others, take a neutral stance, let S & DiL sort out details of the marriage breakdown but be supportive to both & GS of course, you want to maintain contact with GS.

My MiL stayed in our lives until her death, never taking sides but had really good contact with my DD. I moved away when I met DH but DD always visited her Granny when she went to stay with my Parents

sazz1 Sun 19-May-19 10:00:35

Never take sides. My son had an affair and I really thought they would part but they didn't. Nobody condoned what he did but who knows the reasons behind it. At the time my DIL made it clear that she would still want to see us with the 3 granddaughters as we had a good relationship. All the best xx

crazyH Sun 19-May-19 10:05:18

This is a fear we all have . With divorces happening all around us, it's a valid fear. Let's hope, that you manage to keep the relationship going with your d.i.l. and GC. All the best !

mamaa Sun 19-May-19 10:32:54

When this happened to me I told the adults concerned that they could do what they liked as my priority wasn't them, but my grandchild and as long as DGC stayed in mine and DH's life re visits etc then that was all I would say on the matter- and I let them get on with it. 7 years down the line, we see DGC at weekends when with Dad and school holidays and are still friendly with ex DIL's parents, so there is light at the end of the tunnel. All the best!

Swanny Sun 19-May-19 10:48:31

My ex left a long time ago but his parents (who had divorced and married new partners themselves many years before) encouraged me and our young son to keep contact. They were almost as shocked as I was when he left and I was grateful for their support. We visited weekly for many years and I attended their funerals.

Don't take sides - you can tell each of them how sad you are it's happening but show them all you love them no matter what. You'll still have plenty to talk about and don't be afraid of mentioning each if the conversation heads that way.

It's a very sad event but you can all still find happiness together though apart, if you see what I mean flowers

BabyLayla Sun 19-May-19 11:07:05

Oh I feel for you, I’ve wept over losing the closeness with my beloved DiL.
Best wishes

DeeDum Sun 19-May-19 11:11:10

Tell your Dil that your fond & will always be there for her and your Gs
no need to take sides, just make it clear from the start
Its best to stay strong with her now as sometimes in the future she might have a new partner and unless still close you sadly could then get left behind or forgotten as her new family comes along.

stella1949 Sun 19-May-19 11:12:28

I'm so sorry - unfortunately we never know what is going on in other people's marriages .

All you can do is to be supportive of them all, and to hope that your DIL and the grandchildren remain in your life.

In my own case, I lost contact with my DIL because she moved on with another man, and I didn't see the GC for years. It was an awful time.

Good luck to you. Fingers crossed !

annodomini Sun 19-May-19 11:16:39

Something similar has hit my family in the past two years. The split was triggered by DS's infidelity though he and his wife had been living almost separate lives for some time - different interests, different friends. However the divorce has been amicable and, as the children are teenagers, they have been able to choose with which parent they live. GD chose to live with their dad and GS lives with their mum, in the same community, Parents share the 'parental taxi' duties. My point is that it can work out amicably for all if their primary concern is the children, as it should be.

ReadyMeals Sun 19-May-19 11:21:03

My DS wanted me to take sides, but I didn't. I am now fairly close to the ex DIL but only on brief rare text terms with my son. But I haven't lost much as he rarely contacted me before he even met her - we only got slightly closer while he was with her, because she used to nag him to remember my birthdays etc. Apparently she still does from time to time when he visits his son smile I gained a daughter, while the son was lost when he left home.

britgran Sun 19-May-19 11:57:12

Having been through the same thing my advice would be to not get involved, I know that's difficult as it's awful to see your DiL upset , I learned the hard way that blood is actually thicker than water in most cases, I loved my ex DiL we had a great relationship we were Nanny and Granddad to her two children from a previous relationship and the daughter they had together. Our son met somebody else and left his wife, we supported her 100%, he treated her badly and I hated him for it, I refused contact with the new girlfriend and stuck by my DiL, two years later she met a new man we were so happy for her, and then her and her children dumped us like a hot potato, I was devastated and cannot describe the hurt I felt, jump forward to now and I have a good relationship with my son and his new wife and two delightful little GDs, his oldest daughter is a super wonderful girl who is very close to us but her Mother and step brother and sister don't even acknowledge us, I am still so hurt that they could cut us from their lives, I have learned a valuable lesson and that is to stay neutral and never get involved in our sons relationships, they have changed me as a person, I will never allow anybody to get so close that they have the power to hurt me again