son splitting up

Does anyone have experience of Son’s girlfriend wanting a future together & baby then having conceived , ditching DS & family. She has done this with a previous boyfriend 8 yrs ago & told me last year ( we got on well) she was wanting another baby. Her mother has had several marriages herself & is a Police Inspector fond of putting retraining orders on daughter’s boyfriends wanting to remain supportive & involved. DS is now on antidepressants - so sad, he was really looking forward at 31 to this planned, his first baby. I’m hoping he will be acknowledged & on the Birth Certificate once the baby is born in June but she says no, has severed all contact with us all & says very happy with the situation. As well as so sad for DS I’m also very sad at the prospect of no contact with my grandchild in the future.

I was responding to the OP, not realizing that she had posted almost a year ago. Sorry.

Correct, Chewbacca. Admittedly I may have confused readers by posting on this thread rather than starting my own. I’m new here.

Sorry agnurse but I've read Nanamar's posts 3 times and I just cannot find any single reference to where she has alluded/hinted/said anything whatsoever about seeing her GC. So why have you advised her Please do not put any pressure on her for you to see your GC. Pressure is not what she needs right now.

The information that I extrapolated from her post was that she was in a dilemma about scheduled holidays, for the whole family, for later in the year. So please could you direct me to where she was asking for advice about seeing her GC?
another example of not bothering to read what advice is actually being sought, as opposed to what advice you think should be thrust upon someone

The original OP post was from May last year.

I wonder how things panned out there?

Nope, do not get involved. As others have pointed out, you don't know what went on their marriage. It's likely that there was fault on both sides.

Please do not put any pressure on her for you to see your GC. Pressure is not what she needs right now. Probably your best bet is to ask your son if he can bring the GC to see you on his time with them.

My son just informed us that he and his wife are divorcing. As many of you have related, I haven’t stopped crying. They have one son who’s a toddler. They’ve just made this decision and haven’t ironed out any details yet but their tentative plan includes my son living with us while his wife and son stay in the house they occupied together. The house, however, is owned jointly by us and our son, not her. It’s been a very stressful couple of years. Our son has clinical depression and had a lengthy period during which he was out of work; my husband has stage 4 lung cancer; last year we purchased the home for them when they moved back from another state to be near us so that we could babysit and they could help with my husband. My son says they are determined to make their son the priority and hope that he can move freely between the two houses. My immediate dilemma, however is quite bizarre - I knew they were having problems, however, never pried and was hoping things were improving with the stability of solid jobs for them both and a solid home. So, I’ve planned several costly trips for all of us, including a trip to Europe for our 50th this year. When our son gave us this news, I immediately said that I guess I’d have to cancel our travel plans. He said that was up to me but that he and his wife are fine with going with us and their son since they feel they can still remain good friends - they are simply not lovers. I am so torn - on the one hand a family trip when they’re no longer a real couple doesn’t seem right to me, on the other hand we fully intend to stay in touch with our daughter-in-law whom we love and who has no parents if her own.

I agree with those saying make some contact with your DIL and let her know how you feel about her and your GS, however, I would not get too involved otherwise, you need to be careful that in an effort to stay in contact with your GS you don't cut off your DS. Be prepared for a different slant on things from your DIL.

My first H left me when I was 4 months pregnant - broke my heart but my MIL and FIL were wonderful, obviously he was their son and they loved him but they were so upset with his actions towards me. We kept in touch with each other so they knew their GS and when I re-married they took him to their hearts and we saw them until they both passed away when my DS was 20.

There is no reason why your DiL should not want to see you, let her know you are always there for them both all being well you will be close always.

I wish you luck. But don't lose touch with your DS life is too short.

I agree about supporting your DiL. Don't ignore her on account of your son.Because he leaves a situation doesn't mean that you have to follow suit, and tell him straight that it's not going to stop you from keeping in contact with your GS too, just carry on visiting as normal.

Just contact your daughter in law and tell her how you feel, don't keep it to yourself when you could be a great support to each other.

I am back again- son has now decided he will move out of the family home in the next few weeks, I am so hurt by this- cannot sleep, am on antidepressants as i am afraid i will lose my gs and dil whom i regard as my daughter.

Doings...

let you dil know that you are there for her.tell her you dont want to lose contact with gs.but i wouldnt get involved with anything else...

From the dil side. Tell her your there for her no matter what. Your will help her to get through things. My mil stepped up for me, had to step back a bit as son said if she kept being on my side ,she would never see him again. She still helped me a lot but just didnt tell him what she though.

When my marriage broke up nearly 30 years ago now, my in-laws were very upset with their son for leaving me and our three children. They were amazing in their support for me and their grandchildren for the next 25 years or so until they died and I felt truly blessed to have them in our lives. I realise how lucky I was and I was with them both when they died. They were an inspiration to me and our children in their generosity of spirit and by the sound of it, you will be exactly the same sort of supportive MiL and grandma. Our relationship never floundered even when I met my second husband. It can be done and I wish you all the very best in what I know is a very difficult time for you.

You can support them both through this whoisthis don't criticise either of them to the other or the children. It hurts when your own adult child is the cause of the problem or appears to be. As someone else said we don't know what goes on in other people's marriages. I would have a quiet word with your son though and remind him of his responsibilities. I hope things don't get too difficult for all of you.

whoisthis Almost 33years ago I was this Dil. My husband left saying he no longer loved me and couldn't cope with the responsibility of 2 children (aged 2 and 5 weeks). My Mil was devastated and rang to say she loved me and hoped I felt that I could call her if I needed anything. She saw the girls regularly as my ex took them to see her when he had them and we stayed in contact by phone. As they got older they would go with her to her caravan for a few days during their holidays and as young teens they met her every week one night after school and went out for tea, Contact between the two of us continued even though I met someone else and remarried when my daughters were 10 and 12. Today, almost 33 years on my youngest daughter and I have been to visit her, in the care home where she now lives. She's almost 92 has been diagnosed with a form of dementia and hasn't seen her son who is now on his 3rd marriage, for about 2-3 years. It saddens me when I see her, no longer the strong, forceful woman she once was, although her wicked sense of humour does still sometimes come through.I love her, she listened when I needed to sound off about her son, she often told me she loved him, because he was her son, but hated what he had done. I know she was always there if I needed her and at the end of the day was the only one who knew what he was like. My own parents were so hurt and upset about what happened they wouldn't even mention his name. Please don't despair, things can work out

Whoisthis - I’m sorry to hear of the upheaval in your family. As others have said, please try to remain neutral. Remember that once words have been spoken, they can never be unsaid. Currently, all emotions are very raw, but in time, things will settle down and, as a family, you should be able to move forward.
Jenpax, much respect for the manner in which you and your husband dealt with your family situation!

jenpax. It's people like you who make GNet work!
I'm so sorry to hear about the break-up. I do hope that time will see relationships settle down and that everybody is able to live positively and rewardingly.
You and your DH's attitude will certainly contribute to that!

whoisthis. I'm so sorry.
You can only reassure all three of them. Tell DS he is always welcome and you hope he will bring DGS to see you often.
Tell DIL that you will always love her and you hope she will visit and perhaps bring DGS as well.
Tell GS you love him and where ever you are he is welcome.

Then just be there for them.
Take care of yourself, today it is so sad. It may be a bumpy road for a while but it will sort out and there will be a solution. Don't despair.

I feel for you whoisthis it is very difficult when you are in the middle of it all. My husband left me with my tiny son, He never saw him again until my boy was 21, no cards, presents, nothing, but we continued to visit my MIL and FIL it wasn't their fault and we all got on so well, even when I re-married all was fine. Hopefully if your son continues to see his child you will be able to as well. Just let your DIL that you still love her and GS. and hopefully you will see each other as much as you can. Good luck it is a horrid time for all of you. Let your son know exactly how you feel and perhaps you can all come to an amicable arrangements.

Jenpax, sorry about DD's sudden split! And while she was post natal, of all times! I'm glad his parents have remained neutral and that DD allows them contact w/DGS. Also, IMO, you and DH are very wise and kind! They are all lucky to have you in the picture!

I'm sorry but IDKY some people are shocked when they are going through a divorce and their ILs drop them. I think it's "normal' for ILs to stand by their DS (or DD as the case may be). I don't think it should mean cutting off all contact w/ DIL (or SIL), but sometimes, it does b/c of DS' wishes, etc.

Don't get me wrong. I think it's just as "normal' for, say, MIL to want to keep in touch w/ a lovely DIL. (That's why I'm putting "normal' in quotes - b/c I think there are different kinds of normal in this situation). And, IMO, it's especially "normal" for ILs to want to maintain contact if there are GC involved. I just don't think anyone should EXPECT their ILs/XILs to stay in touch after a breakup, especially if there are no GC. Divorces, sad to say, impact more than just the couple, and, I'm afraid, most people are going to do whatever seems best for themselves in that situation.

Hideous situation for all concerned! My youngest DD and partner split up in March quite out of the blue; his parents have managed to keep out of the relationship issues and are managing regular contact with the DGS, this has not been easy as both DD and SIL have struggled to stay civil with each other especially DD who was hurt and confused and post natal. However we (her family) have been very much pro the other set of grandparents maintaining contact with the little ones as it’s so important for children to have as many people as possible in their lives who love and look out for them and we have advised her accordingly.
likewise we have also kept out of the relationship breakdown,and focused instead on how much both DD and ex SIL love the children.