Help no idea how to handle this situation

Annaram1 I expect, like me, you know this is a very old fashioned idea now but I do sometimes wonder if for every new father that enjoys the experience there is another who wishes he hadn't attended. Like you I got on with it with the midwife. I am sure that once Abuelana has spoken with her DD things will be clearer.

Personally I would have hated my husband or anyone from my family or my husband's family being present at the births of my children. Its OK for the medical or nursing staff to be present but not family, please. Its just too intimatel and I would not want family envisaging the birth and seeing my bits and reliving it ever afterwards in their minds.
But I am a very private person. My daughter, like me, when she had her baby, did not have any family with her and we only got to know she had had the baby when it was actually born,

Ask your daughter what she wants! If your son-in-law is not controlling her in some way, she can sort it all out. It sounds as if he's getting a bit nervous about the birth, and is striving to 'be in control' of himself. Probably feels that he has to be the strong one in this situation, and take care of his wife.

Whichever way it goes, you must make sure that your daughter is happy with the arrangements.

And do ask him to ring you when she goes into labour. That's the very least he could do!

And if I were you, (speaking from experience) I would pack a small bag: bottle of water, flannel & soap, hairbrush, and a packet of daughter's favourite biscuits - just in case they change their minds at the last minute!

Good luck, and congratulations, Grandma!

In my view this is for the mum-to-be to discuss with baby's dad and then for her to make the final decision.

I have been present at the births of several of my language students' babies, but I was more than a little surprised when my youngest daughter informed me that I was to be there at the birth of her first baby and equally surprised that her husband was in agreement. The birth was fairly traumatic (premature baby) and long (28 hours) - and my daughter has few memories of the birth herself. My daughter was widowed shortly afterwards and we're glad that I have memories to share with my grandson about his birth and the part his daddy had to play in it. Since then my daughter has remarried and now has two more children - and I was present at their births too.

My own mother declined to even stay at the hospital with me for any part of my first labour, even though my husband was posted abroad at the time, and I gave birth with just a harried midwife present.

What a shame. He is most likely insecure. Someone should tell your DD that she only has one mother and that in the scheme of things she may not even know what he looks like in five years time.

How secure is their partnership? Something like 75% of boys leave the girl after their curiosity as to how babies are born is satisfied, and then she will need you. I do not know how young your daughter is, but it is clear that many girls fall in 'love' with a boy, get pregnant and then the boy has 9 months of condom free sex at the end of which they get to see a baby being born, then after the birth they do not like the stretch marks and body shape and off they go.

If this is so in your case it would be a good idea to ask as softly and lovingly as you can of your daughter to let you be there so that you will have a wonderful memory of your grandchild which will help you cement a relationship with them both, because they are going to need it.

I agree with the majority of responders - this is a unique and intimate time for new Mum and Dad to spend together.

We were blessed to be the first in the family to be invited to see our gorgeous GD 2 hours after she was born. DD and SIL sent a text to say someone would like to meet us at xxx hospital. We had no idea DD was in labour ... but were there within 30 minutes of receiving the text

I didn't know my first grandchild had been born until an hour or so afterwards when my son rang me. To me it is a very intimate moment that should be shared only by the husband and wife. I couldn't wait to finish work and go to see them, they were far more relaxed by then and enjoyed the family meeting the little one. No-one was allowed anywhere near the delivery room in my day.

OMG, I would have hated for my mother or anyone else other than DH to be there. To us it was a private thing, meeting our child and bonding together as a new family. Luckily both sets of parents lived 100+ miles away, so they waited for that important phone call. Just listen to what your DD wants.

Have a quiet word with your daughter beforehand to see why she was shaking her head.If she really wants you nearby she will say.Depending on how far you live from the hospital you could be there quite quickly.They might change their minds once your daughter is in labor so let them know you are flexible.I was not at the birth of my daughters child but got regular updates and by her request was the first to see them afterwards.Ask them as a couple what help they would like afterwards they might appreciate meals and help with housework.

When my daughter & sil had their first child, both myself and mil were at the hospital. We sat in the waiting room until my sil came to tell us that the baby had been born. He then went back into the delivery room and spent around 15 mins with his wife before telling us we were welcome to go in. The same thing happened with the second child, but my daughter struggled with the very end stage of labour and delivery. My sil welcomed me into the room with open arms as he knew that I'd be a help not a hinderance. Watching the birth was a fantastic experience, but once the little one was born , I went to the waiting room, leaving them together as a family. Is there a reason why your sil thinks that you'll take over?

I was not expecting to be asked to be with my DD when she gave birth - I felt that was for her and my SIL alone. Having said that, if she had asked me to be with her I would have been delighted. She and her husband kept me posted all the way through and I was called by her a couple of minutes after my DGS delivery.

I was never invited or even thought about intruding on their special time together. My daughter informed me when babies were born and we made arrangements to visit and help out . I was visiting my daughter in law at her first labour, they went off to hospital and I got a call asking If I would like to visit. I was so excited before visiting I put up balloons and made sure her home was welcoming for them all.Cooked dinner visited, saw my adorable g randaughter then went home to make sure my daughter in law could rest. There were complications, so I stayed to support my son, but never presumed anything. My daughter in law called me when she was in labour with her second child I drove 50 miles to their house at 3am and stayed with my the granddaughter while they went off to hospital. I looked after the eldest , we were in the park when I received a call asking if we would like to visit. We went for a visit then went home to prepare for the new arrival the same day. I made sure a meal was cooked and the housework done, and daughter in law was very happy to see I had done all the jobs she couldn’t and that I was happy just to go along with whatever they needed.

Rosecarmel Mon 20-May-19 16:06:04
Every time I read the term "spectator sport" being used to describe birthing, I think back-woods, deliverance-like, incestual-internet-group-think-cowing and just smile etc

What a strange train of thought... ..

Why do you think you should be there? This is a private matter between your daughter and her partner. I’m sure the hospital wouldn’t want a whole entourage in the labour ward. You would really be of more help after the birth.

I am with those who are somewhat surprised at the thought of wanting to be there as daughter gives birth.

Abuelana I am very close to my daughter but when she had their first child (1st GC on both sides) they didn't tell either set of grandparents she was in labour - partly because in laws lived close. It's their time and their child, you will no doubt get to see the baby soon after it's born

The biggest issue here is 'shaking her head'.
I think, as others have said that you have to find out what your daughter wants.
What the rest of us think about our own or our daughter's birth experiences, or what we see on TV is irrelevant. You need to find out from her, on her own, and honour her wishes.
It's unclear from your post whether you have a controlling SiL, or whether he is setting good boundaries for the new family. A private conversation with your daughter, in which you make no mention of your own wishes, will help you decide what to do.

I had my son 39 years ago and can’t understand why women want anyone except their partner with them, unless they are on their own of course.we rang parents as soon as baby arrived.

I agree with posts. Please do not get upset. Tell your Sil you understand this is a very special time for parents and you will wait for him to phone you when the baby is born, but if they would like you to come to the hospital you would be happy to if you can help. If your daughter wants you there she needs to tell your Sil to avoid problems for you.

Congratulations on being grandparents. A few eggshells to walk on by the sound of it, but by taking a back sat now you will avoid problems in the future. Sil does not yet realise how much support young families need - he thinks he can do it all.

My daughter asked me to be at the birth of both my dgc. The first time she was only 16, the father 17 and not much help really.
Second time a year ago the father turned up for the last 4 hours. My daughter was rushed into theatre immediately after the birth leaving us holding the baby. I'm so relieved I was there.
It has to be your daughters choice...

I asked my daughter and son in law whether they would like me to be there or not and I would have been happy no matter what they decided. After they had discussed it together they decided they wanted me to be there as they felt quite unprepared and thought as an ex midwife I would be able to help them. I am so thankful I agreed to be there as my daughter had a very quick Labour and they were both scared and panicking and we were able to get her to the delivery suite with only 10 mins to spare. It was a close call and I had visions of delivering her in the hospital car park. I stayed well back from them so they could have their own special time and only helped when asked. I felt privileged to have been there and an active part of it and to have helped them both through the traumatic delivery. It has brought my daughter and myself much closer together and it worked for all of us as a family. It has to be said though that being at the delivery is not for everyone and that includes the partner and the wishes of the mum to be are of paramount importance.

The only one making the decisions should be your daughter the fact she is stood in the background shaking her head is worrying.

I am very much in favour of the parents dictating who and when they want to see , yes and even if that’s a week later. No one else knows what they’re feeling physically or emotionally and I think that their boundaries should be respected absolutely .

It is their time. Just wait for a call. I can't think why you want to be their anyway. This is a very precious time for mum and dad...let them have it.

Every time I read the term "spectator sport" being used to describe birthing, I think back-woods, deliverance-like, incestual-internet-group-think-cowing and just smile ..

"Hollis, shove that durn cow back in the shed and let 'er birth her own durn calf .. "



haha

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