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Help no idea how to handle this situation

(106 Posts)
Abuelana Sun 19-May-19 18:57:06

My daughter (we are very close) is due to give birth soon. Her partner today has said that he doesn’t want anyone else at the hospital. Firstly, he asked what do you want to do. Then when we said we’d head to hospital once our daughter was in labour. Then he claimed that he wanted no-one at the hospital except themselves. He wouldn’t even call to say they were on their way. I really don’t know what to say or do. I know it’s their decision - however in the back ground my daughter was shaking her head.
Never been in this position before so I really don’t know how to react.
Apart from that if he decides he doesn’t want to be in the delivery room it leaves my daughter alone.
Struggling with all sorts of emotions. And all he kept saying is I want control! Once you guys arrive I’ll have no control.
Want to do the right thing by everyone.
Feeling helpless

Bibbity Sun 19-May-19 19:00:02

It’s not their decision. It’s hers. Only hers.

I’d talk to her alone. Ask her what she wants and how she wants you to act. He can suck it up.

Eglantine21 Sun 19-May-19 19:29:39

Why does he think you’ll take control and sideline him - her husband and the baby’s father?

Does he have a reason for feeling this way?

It’s a special moment when a couple become parents, their own family unit.

Difficult if you and your daughter see it as your moment.

Sara65 Sun 19-May-19 19:36:06

Surely, unless your daughter has for some reason specifically requested you to be there, it’s a special time for her and her partner.

Don’t really blame him for not wanting you there

notanan2 Sun 19-May-19 19:38:27

Its not a family "do". The default is partners only unless others have been specifically requested.

EllanVannin Sun 19-May-19 19:43:50

Once upon a time it was only the baby's father who was allowed with his wife/partner.

Abuelana Sun 19-May-19 19:44:09

Thank you as never been in this position I had no reference to it.
I didn’t mean in delivery room tho and my daughter has asked us to be near by in the hospital. I guess we are going to have to play it by ear as there seems to be no hard and fast rules.
Feel better though by others saying it’s not our “do” brings it all into perspective.

Sara65 Sun 19-May-19 19:46:25

Is your daughter very young Abuelana?

Anniebach Sun 19-May-19 19:47:00

When my elder daughter started Labour with their first baby I drove them to the hospital, it was a quick labour , she asked me to go into the labour ward, I refused, said it was a time for just her and her husband .

When your son in law says he wants control he could mean he would feel in the back seat if others were there

HildaW Sun 19-May-19 19:47:29

Will just say what pops into my mind.

Giving birth is a very intimate time - unlike what one sees on 'One born every moment' its not a spectator sport.
Your daughter needs to be 'in charge' of the birth i.e. her wishes should be paramount. She and her husband need to be able to talk through exactly what they want without any one else's input.
Once they have decided they must be able to state their choice and it must be accepted by all...and by accepted I do not mean 'discussed'.
The shaking of the head could mean anything from 'he's being a bit blunt' to 'I do not agree'. Do not try to read anything definitive into it.
It sounds like one of those occasions when you are trying to have a meaningful conversation with someone that can be overheard by someone whose feelings you might hurt. You are trying desperately to be open and honest with one person and yet be tactful to the other...its a minefield.

Hold your tongue for the moment, give them space and let them sort it out. You will have all the time in the world to be a Grandma....but if you force things from the start you could be storing up problems for later.
You only have to read all the desperate threads on here from Grandparents who have little or no contact. Its a delicate balance and tact is needed. Play the long game and you will have the most wonderful time.

Avor2 Sun 19-May-19 19:50:29

Slightly concerning. Why does he think you will take over? What does your daughter say? Has he asked her what she wants?

It is difficult not knowing how you usually get on with each other, you need to all sit down and chat reasonably with each other, and get it sorted before the day, tell him you would like to be there but don't want to interfere. Hope all goes well and you enjoy your grandchild.

SynchroSwimmer Sun 19-May-19 19:55:54

Might also be worth having a browse over on Mumsnet too - I have seen a fair number of useful threads there from soon-to-be Mums with their own concerns that Mothers and MIL’s want to be at the hospitals/there for the soon as they are in labour

Will maybe give you some useful thoughts from another angle?

Eloethan Sun 19-May-19 19:58:43

It could be that he is feeling stressed himself and perhaps imagines that if you and your husband were there he would have to keep giving you progress reports, which would add to the pressure.

Does he plan to stay with your daughter while she is in labour? If so, I think it's understandable that he wishes it to be an experience shared only by the two of them, and therefore probably best if you keep a low profile. If your daughter genuinely wants you to be at the hospital the whole time she is in labour, it is up to her to tell him that.

If she starts to feel that there is some sort of upset between you and her husband, it will make her anxious so try not to make waves at this sensitive time.

TerriBull Sun 19-May-19 20:13:42

Please back off, my son's ex partner's mother took over in the delivery and snatched those first precious moments away from my son by making sure she was the first to hold the baby. Under the right circumstances I think it should be a very intimate time for both parents and their newborn child, ideally a 3 way bonding session, that's what I remember, I was lucky. Unless as someone else has stated the mother is very, very young and really feels she needs her mum there, I do think grandmothers and prospective ones should always remember they are one step back.

TerriBull Sun 19-May-19 20:14:33

*delivery room

Luckygirl Sun 19-May-19 20:15:20

Please do not allow this to become a big issue. Simply say that you are happy to go along with whatever they want; and that you entirely trust your SIL to be a splendid birth partner. You will reap the rewards over the years.

I have 3 DDs - one wanted me to be with her during her 3 labours (only succeeded with one, as she had a CS for no.1 and I got there just too late for no.3!); the other two girls wanted just their partners to be there. Fine by me - no problem - whatever they wanted.

Do you have any reason to think that he might leave her on her own during labour? - I don't think so; it does not sound that way; you are worrying unnecessarily.

Let them have their moment together; and stand back.

notanan2 Sun 19-May-19 20:18:23

3 birth partners is too many unless the mum specifically wants that. Births do not progress naturally as well in a room full of people. If your daughter has nevet specifically asked you to be a birth partner, you shouldnt be there. Its not up to her to have to tell every family member that they are not invited if they havent heard otherwise, but sounds like you and your DH put them in the position of having to do exactly that. Which is a stress an expectant mum doesnt need

The dads get delegated the task of gatekeeper so the mum doesnt have to "fight her corner" whilst trying to relax about the birth: sounds like that is whats happening here.

notanan2 Sun 19-May-19 20:21:40

I didn’t mean in delivery room tho and my daughter has asked us to be near by in the hospital

Yikes! People waiting with baited breath outside the delivery room, thats one way to add pressure and stress to proceedings.

There arent waiting areas in delivery suites. Most babies are born at night when the cafes are closed. Sounds like it was mentioned before it was thought through

DanniRae Sun 19-May-19 20:31:08

My daughter is about to give birth to her first child (and our first grandchild). I have been told that I will be informed of the happy event after the baby has arrived - and I am delighted by this!

jura2 Sun 19-May-19 20:32:30

Agree with notanan2.

gillybob Sun 19-May-19 20:52:29

My DD ( in her 30’s so not so young ) asked me to be in the delivery room with her and her partner when she had her much longed for baby last year . She knew that her partner would go to pieces ( and she was right ) it was a very long and difficult birth and I am sure (in-fact she told me) she felt better with me being there. If she (and only she) has said it was a time only for her and her partner then of course I would have respected that absolutely . I never once asked to be there.

mcem Sun 19-May-19 21:02:30

My new GS is 3 weeks old. My son let me know when they set off for hospital around 4pm. Update text around 11pm and another at 3am to say all was well and baby had arrived. Absolutely no intentions of having anyone there apart from the 2 of them.

This was my DiL with their first baby but my DD has had 4 and at no time did I expect to be there.
At all times I was kept reasonably up to date ( no questions from me during labour but happy to have texts when it suited them).

All grandparents had the same messages and we saw the new born when he was 12 hours old.

It's their baby, their choice and if your DD has reservations about her husband being there they need to sort it out.
Step back!

Abuelana Sun 19-May-19 21:04:52

I can’t tell you how relieved I am by your messages - one step back is how I’m going to play it. Thank you all

BlueBelle Sun 19-May-19 21:25:18

I wasn’t anywhere near any hospitals when all seven grandkids were born They were all born in various countries overseas If they had been born in my home town I would never have dreamed of going to the hospital until invited I would have waited patiently at home for the wonderful phone call
I can understand that the father would feel perhaps a bit intimidated or over powered it’s there special time and they need to bond before inviting the rest of the family to view also you daughter was perhaps trying to keep the peace between you all and not wanting you hurt
You sound a lovely understanding mum Abulanalet them have their precious time as a threesome

BlueBelle Sun 19-May-19 21:26:15

Their not there sorry, oh edit button we would love you so